He was as hungry as a wolf,
he said, but he hardly ate anything; on the other hand, he was
consumed with thirst. On leaving the table he said that he wished
to stay there a few days to sleep. They thought that he was joking,
but he slept uninterruptedly until the afternoon of the next day.
He was then awakened, ate a little and drank a great deal, for he
had perspired profusely; after which he fell asleep again. He
passed the next twenty-four hours in much the same way.
When he awoke the following morning he found himself
alone.
Had not a doctor been there, and had he not said
that it was a good thing for him to sleep? It seemed to him that he
had heard a buzz of voices; but he was sure that he was well now,
only furiously hungry and thirsty, and when he raised himself he
felt giddy. But that passed off by degrees, when he had eaten some
of the food which had been left there. He drank out of the
water-jug--the carafe was empty - and walked once or twice up and
down before the open window. It was decidedly cold, so he shut it.
Just then he remembered that he had written a frightful letter to
his mother!
How long ago was it? Had he not slept a long time?
Had he not turned grey? He went to the looking-glass, but forgot
the grey hair at the sight of himself. He was thin, lank, and
dirty. - The letter! the letter! It will kill my mother! There had
already been misfortunes enough, more must not follow.
He dressed himself quickly, as if by hurrying he
could overtake the letter. He looked at the clock - it had stopped.
Suppose the train were in! He must go by it, and from the train
straight to the steamer, and home, home to Hellebergene! But he
must send a telegram to his mother at once. He wrote it - "Never
mind the letter, mother. I am coming this evening and will never
leave you again."
So now he had only to put on a clean collar, now his
watch - it certainly was morning - now to pack, go down and pay the
bill, have something to eat, take his ticket, send the telegram;
but first - no, it must all be done together, for the train WAS
there; it had only a few minutes more to wait; he could only just
catch it. The telegram was given to some one else to send off.
But he had hardly got into the carriage, where he
was alone, than the thought of the letter tortured him, till he
could not sit still. This dreadful analysis of his mother, strophe
after strophe, it rose before him, it again drove him into the
state of mind in which he had been among the hills and woods of
Eidsvold. Beyond the tunnel the character of the scenery was the
same. - Good God! that dreadful letter was never absent from his
thoughts, otherwise he would not suffer so terribly. What right had
he to reproach his mother, or any one, because a mere chance should
have become of importance in their lives?
Would the telegram arrive in time to save her from
despair, and yet not frighten her from home because he was coming?
To think that he could write in such a way to her, who had but
lived to collect the information which would free him! His
ingratitude must appear too monstrous to her. The extreme reserve
which she was unable to break through might well lead to
catastrophes. What might not she have determined on when she
received this violent attack by way of thanks? Perhaps she would
think that life was no longer worth living, she who thought it so
easy to die. He shuddered.
But she will do nothing hastily, she will weigh
everything first. Her roots go deep. When she appears to have acted
on impulse, it is because she has had previous knowledge. But she
has no previous knowledge here; surely here she will
deliberate.
He pictured her as, wrapped in her shawl, she
wandered about in dire distress - or with intent gaze reviewing her
life and his own, until both appeared to her to have been
hopelessly wasted - or pondering where she could best hide herself
so that she should suffer no more.
How he loved her! All that had happened had drawn a
veil over his eyes, which was now removed.
Now he was on board the steamer which was bearing
him home. The weather had become mild and summerlike; it had been
raining, but towards evening it began to clear. He would get to
Hellebergene in fine weather, and by moonlight. It grew colder; he
spoke to no one, nor had he eyes for anything about him.
The image of his mother, wrapped in her long shawl -
that was all the company he had. Only his mother! No one but his
mother! Suppose the telegram had but frightened her the more - that
to see HIM now appeared the worst that could happen. To read such a
crushing doom for her whole life, and that from him! She was not so
constituted that it could be cancelled by his asking forgiveness
and returning to her. On the contrary, it would precipitate the
worst, it must do so.
The violent perspiration began again; he had to put
on more wraps. His terror took possession of him: he was forced to
contemplate the most awful possibilities - to picture to himself
what death his mother would choose!
He sprang to his feet and paced up and down.
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