Then she said, quickly and suddenly, ‘Do you know what I want you to do for me, doctor, or don’t you?’

‘I believe I do. But let’s be quite plain about it. You want an end put to your condition … you want me to cure you of your fainting fits and nausea by … by removing their cause. Is that it?’

‘Yes.’

The word fell like a guillotine.

‘And do you know that such attempts are dangerous … for both parties concerned?’

‘Yes.’

‘That I am legally forbidden to do such a thing?’

‘There are cases when it isn’t forbidden but actually recommended.’

‘They call for medical indications, however.’

‘Then you’ll find such indications. You’re a doctor.’

Clear, fixed, unflinching, her eyes looked at me as she spoke. It was an order, and weakling that I am, I trembled with admiration for her demonically imperious will. But I was still evasive, I didn’t want to show that I was already crushed. Some spark of desire in me said: don’t go too fast! Make difficulties. Force her to beg!

‘That is not always within a doctor’s competence. But I am ready to ask a colleague at the hospital … ’

‘I don’t want your colleague … I came to you.’

‘May I ask why?’

She looked coldly at me. ‘I have no reservations about telling you. Because you live in seclusion, because you don’t know me—because you are a good doctor, and because,’ she added, hesitating for the first time, ‘you probably won’t stay here very much longer, particularly if you … if you can go home with a large sum of money.’

I felt cold. The adamant, commercial clarity of her calculation bemused me. So far her lips had uttered no request—she had already worked it all out, she had been lying in wait for me and then tracked me down. I felt the demonic force of her will enter into me, but embittered as I was—I resisted. Once again I made myself sound objective, indeed almost ironic.

‘Oh, and you would … would place this large sum of money at my disposal?’

‘For your help, and then your immediate departure.’

‘Do you realise that would lose me my pension?’

‘I will compensate you.’

‘You’re very clear in your mind about it … but I would like even more clarity. What sum did you envisage as a fee?’

‘Twelve thousand guilders, payable by cheque when you reach Amsterdam.’

I trembled … I trembled with anger and … yes, with admiration again too. She had worked it all out, the sum and the manner of its payment, which would oblige me to leave this part of the world, she had assessed me and bought me before she even met me, had made arrangements for me in anticipation of getting her own way. I would have liked to strike her in the face, but as I stood there shaking—she too had risen to her feet—and I looked her straight in the eye, the sight of her closed mouth that refused to plead, her haughty brow that would not bend, a … a kind of violent desire overcame me. She must have felt something of it, for she raised her eyebrows as one would to dismiss a trouble-maker; the hostility between us was suddenly in the open. I knew she hated me because she needed me, and I hated her because … well, because she would not plead. In that one single second of silence we spoke to each other honestly for the first time. Then an idea suddenly came to me, like the bite of a reptile, and I told her … I told her …

But wait a moment, or you’ll misunderstand what I did … what I said. First I must explain how … well, how that deranged idea came into my mind.”

 

Once again the glass clinked softly in the dark, and the voice became more agitated.

“Not that I want to make excuses, justify myself, clear myself of blame … but otherwise you won’t understand. I don’t know if I have ever been what might be called a good man, but … well, I think I was always helpful. In the wretched life I lived over there, the only pleasure I had was using what knowledge was contained in my brain to keep some living creature breathing … an almost divine pleasure. It’s a fact, those were my happiest moments, for instance when one of the natives came along, pale with fright, his swollen foot bitten by a snake, howling not to have his leg cut off, and I managed to save him. I’ve travelled for hours to see a woman in a fever—and as for the kind of help my visitor wanted, I’d already given that in the hospital in Europe. But then I could at least feel that these people needed me, that I was saving someone from death or despair—and the feeling of being needed was my way of helping myself.

But this woman—I don’t know if I can describe it to you—she had irritated and intrigued me from the moment when she had arrived, apparently just strolling casually in. Her provocative arrogance made me resist, she caused everything in me that was—how shall I put it?—everything in me that was suppressed, hidden, wicked, to oppose her.