In the calculation made by Mrs. Peak and her sister,
outlay on books had practically been lost sight of; it was presumed
that ten shillings a term would cover this item. But Godwin could
not consent to be at a disadvantage in his armoury for academic
contest. The first month saw him compelled to contract his diet,
that he might purchase books; thenceforth he rarely had enough to
eat. His landlady supplied him with breakfast, tea, and supper—each
repast of the very simplest kind; for dinner it was understood that
he repaired to some public table, where meat and vegetables, with
perchance a supplementary sweet when nature demanded it, might be
had for about a shilling. That shilling was not often at his
disposal. Dinner as it is understood by the comfortably clad, the
'regular meal' which is a part of English respectability, came to
be represented by a small pork-pie, or even a couple of buns, eaten
at the little shop over against the College. After a long morning
of mental application this was poor refreshment; the long afternoon
which followed, again spent in rigorous study, could not but reduce
a growing frame to ravenous hunger. Tea and buttered bread were the
means of appeasing it, until another four hours' work called for
reward in the shape of bread and cheese. Even yet the day's toil
was not ended. Godwin sometimes read long after midnight, with the
result that, when at length he tried to sleep, exhaustion of mind
and body kept him for a long time feverishly wakeful.
These hardships he concealed from the people at Twybridge.
Complaint, it seemed to him, would be ungrateful, for sacrifices
were already made on his behalf. His father, as he well remembered,
was wont to relate, with a kind of angry satisfaction, the miseries
through which he had fought his way to education and the
income-tax. Old enough now to reflect with compassionate
understanding upon that life of conflict, Godwin resolved that he
too would bear the burdens inseparable from poverty, and in some
moods was even glad to suffer as his father had done. Fortunately
he had a sound basis of health, and hunger and vigils would not
easily affect his constitution. If, thus hampered, he could
outstrip competitors who had every advantage of circumstance, the
more glorious his triumph.
Sunday was an interval of leisure. Rejoicing in deliverance from
Sabbatarianism, he generally spent the morning in a long walk, and
the rest of the day was devoted to non-collegiate reading. He had
subscribed to a circulating library, and thus obtained new
publications recommended to him in the literary paper which again
taxed his stomach. Mere class-work did not satisfy him. He was
possessed with throes of spiritual desire, impelling him towards
that world of unfettered speculation which he had long indistinctly
imagined. It was a great thing to learn what the past could teach,
to set himself on the common level of intellectual men; but he
understood that college learning could not be an end in itself,
that the Professors to whom he listened either did not speak out
all that was in their minds, or, if they did, were far from
representing the advanced guard of modern thought. With eagerness
he at length betook himself to the teachers of philosophy and of
geology. Having paid for these lectures out of his own pocket, he
felt as if he had won a privilege beyond the conventional course of
study, an initiation to a higher sphere of intellect. The result
was disillusion. Not even in these class-rooms could he hear the
word for which he waited, the bold annunciation of newly discovered
law, the science which had completely broken with tradition. He
came away unsatisfied, and brooded upon the possibilities which
would open for him when he was no longer dependent.
His evening work at home was subject to a disturbance which
would have led him to seek other lodgings, could he have hoped to
find any so cheap as these. The landlady's son, a lank youth of the
clerk species, was wont to amuse himself from eight to ten with
practice on a piano. By dint of perseverance he had learned to
strum two or three hymnal melodies popularised by American
evangelists; occasionally he even added the charm of his voice,
which had a pietistic nasality not easily endured by an ear of any
refinement. Not only was Godwin harassed by the recurrence of these
performances; the tunes worked themselves into his brain, and
sometimes throughout a whole day their burden clanged and squalled
incessantly on his mental hearing. He longed to entreat forbearance
from the musician, but an excess of delicacy—which always ruled his
behaviour—kept him silent. Certain passages in the classics, and
many an elaborate mathematical formula, long retained for him an
association with the cadences of revivalist hymnody.
Like all proud natures condemned to solitude, he tried to
convince himself that he had no need of society, that he despised
its attractions, and could be self-sufficing.
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