I have often wished to investigate the origin of all these differences. Why am I a Titular Councillor, and what are the reasons for my being a Titular Councillor? It may be that I am no such thing as a Titular Councillor. It may be I am a count or a general, and only appear to be a Titular Councillor. It may be I don’t myself know what I am. Are not there plenty of instances in history of a plain, I don’t say gentleman, but a mere tradesman or even a peasant being suddenly discovered to be a lord or a baron, or whatever you call it? If a peasant may turn out to be some such thing, what may not a gentleman turn out to be? Imagine me suddenly walking into the Director’s study in the uniform of a general: an epaulette on my right shoulder, another on my left shoulder, a blue ribbon on my chest—eh? What would my young lady say to that? What would her Papa, our Director, himself say? He is a very ambitious man, he is! He must be a freemason, most certainly a freemason. Though he pretends to be this and that, I saw at once that he was a freemason. When he shakes hands he extends only two fingers. And I—can’t I be this very minute created a governor-general, or a quartermaster, or any other great personage? I should like to know what makes me a Titular Councillor. Why precisely a Titular Councillor rather than anything else?

DECEMBER 5

SPENT the whole morning reading the newspapers. Strange things are happening in Spain. In fact I couldn’t quite make out what was happening. They say that the throne has been abolished, and that the Estates are in a difficulty as to the election of a successor, and that is why there is general trouble. This strikes me as exceedingly strange. How can the throne be abolished? They say that a Donna of some kind is to ascend the throne. It is impossible that a Donna should ascend the throne, absolutely impossible. The throne must have a King to occupy it. “But,” they say, “there is no King.” It cannot be that there is no King. A kingdom cannot be without a King. The King exists, only he must be in concealment. He may be there, in Spain, but either family considerations, or the suspicions of a neighbouring power, such as France or some other country, may be compelling him to hide; or there may be other reasons.

DECEMBER 8

I HAD quite decided to go to the Department, but various reasons and meditations prevented me from doing so. I can’t get the affairs of Spain out of my head. How is it possible that a Donna should become Queen? It won’t be tolerated. To begin with, England won’t tolerate it. Besides, the political affairs of the whole of Europe, the Emperor of Austria, our Tsar . . . I confess that all these events have so overwhelmed and shaken me that the whole day I was unable to do any work. Mavra made remarks on my absent-mindedness at table. Indeed, it would seem that I threw two plates on the floor, whereupon they got smashed. After dinner I went to look at the mountains: but did not find them helpful.