Why? You do more in this, sir. It were a vengeance centuple, for all facinorous acts, that could be named, to do that you do ––

TRU. Alas, sir, I am but a messenger: I but tell you what you must hear. It seems your friends are careful after your soul's health, sir, and would have you know the danger (but you may do your pleasure, for all them, I persuade not, sir). If, after you are married, your wife do run away with a vaulter, or the Frenchman that walks upon ropes, or him that dances the jig, or a fencer for his skill at his weapon, why it is not their fault; they have discharged their consciences: when you know what may happen. Nay, suffer valiantly, sir, for I must tell you all the perils that you are obnoxious to. If she be fair, young, and vegetous, no sweetmeats ever drew more flies; all the yellow doublets and great roses i' the town will be there. If foul and crooked, she'll be with them, and buy those doublets and roses, sir. If rich, and that you marry her dowry, not her, she'll reign in your house, as imperious as a widow. If noble, all her kindred will be your tyrants. If fruitful, as proud as May, and humorous as April; she must have her doctors, her midwives, her nurses, her longings every hour: though it be for the dearest morsel of man. If learned, there was never such a parrot; all your patrimony will be too little for the guests that must be invited to hear her speak Latin and Greek: and you must lie with her in those languages too, if you will please her. If precise, you must feast all the silenced brethren, once in three days; salute the sisters, entertain the whole family, or wood of 'em; and hear long-winded exercises, singings, and catechizings, which you are not given to, and yet must give for: to please the zealous matron your wife, who, for the holy cause, will cozen you, over and above. You begin to sweat, sir? But this is not half, i' faith: you may do your pleasure notwithstanding, as I said before, I come not to persuade you. The Mute is stealing away. Upon my faith, master servingman, if you do stir, I will beat you.

MOR. Oh, what is my sin! What is my sin?

TRU. Then if you love your wife, or rather, dote on her, sir: oh, how she'll torture you! And take pleasure i' your torments! You shall lie with her but when she lists; she will not hurt her beauty, her complexion; or it must be for that jewel, or that pearl, when she does; every half hour's pleasure must be bought anew: and with the same pain, and charge, you wooed her at first. Then, you must keep what servants she please; what company she will; that friend must not visit you without her licence; and him she loves most she will seem to hate eagerliest, to decline your jealousy; or feign to be jealous of you first; and for that cause go live with her she-friend, or cousin at the college, that can instruct her in all the mysteries of writing letters, corrupting servants, taming spies; where she must have that rich gown for such a great day; a new one for the next; a richer for the third; be served in silver; have the chamber filled with a succession of grooms, footmen, ushers, and other messengers; besides embroiderers, jewellers, tire-women, sempsters, feather-men, perfumers; while she feels not how the land drops away; nor the acres melt; nor foresees the change, when the mercer has your woods for her velvets; never weighs what her pride costs, sir: so she may kiss a page, or a smooth chin, that has the despair of a beard; be a stateswoman, know all the news, what was done at Salisbury, what at the Bath, what at court, what in progress; or so she may censure poets, and authors, and styles, and compare 'em, Daniel with Spenser, Jonson with the tother youth, and so forth; or be thought cunning in controversies, or the very knots of divinity; and have often in her mouth the state of the question: and then skip to the mathematics, and demonstration and answer, in religion to one; in state, to another, in bawdry to a third.

MOR. Oh, oh!

TRU. All this is very true, sir. And then her going in disguise to that conjurer, and this cunning woman: where the first question is, how soon you shall die? Next, if her present servant love her? Next that, if she shall have a new servant? And how many? Which of her family would make the best bawd, male or female? What precedence she shall have by her next match? And sets down the answers, and believes 'em above the scriptures. Nay, perhaps she'll study the art.

MOR. Gentle sir, ha' you done? Ha' you had your pleasure o' me? I'll think of these things.

TRU. Yes, sir: and then comes reeking home of vapour and sweat, with going afoot, and lies in a month of a new face, all oil and birdlime; and rises in asses' milk, and is cleansed with a new fucus: God b'w'you, sir. One thing more (which I had almost forgot). This too, with whom you are to marry, may have made a conveyance of her virginity aforehand, as your wise widows do of their states, before they marry, in trust to some friend, sir: who can tell? Or if she have not done it yet, she may do, upon the wedding day, or the night before, and antedate you cuckold. The like has been heard of, in nature. 'Tis no devised impossible thing, sir. God b'w'you: I'll be bold to leave this rope with you, sir, for a remembrance.