Roger Bacon, thou wouldst say?

COB. I say rasher-bacon. They were both broiled o' the coals? And a man may smell broiled meat, I hope? You are a scholar, upsolve me that now.

MAT. Oh, raw ignorance! Cob, canst thou show me of a gentleman, one Captain Bobadil, where his lodging is?

COB. Oh, my guest, sir! You mean.

MAT. Thy guest! Alas! Ha, ha.

COB. Why do you laugh, sir? Do you not mean Captain Bobadil?

MAT. Cob, 'pray thee, advise thyself well: do not wrong the gentleman, and thyself too. I dare be sworn, he scorns thy house: he! He lodge in such a base, obscure place, as thy house! Tut, I know his disposition so well, he would not lie in thy bed if thou'dst gi'it him.

COB. I will not give it him, though, sir. Mass, I thought somewhat was in't, we could not get him to bed all night! Well, sir, though he lie not o' my bed, he lies o' my bench: an't please you to go up, sir, you shall find him with two cushions under his head, and his cloak wrapped about him, as though he had neither won nor lost, and yet (I warrant) he ne'er cast better in his life than he has done tonight.

MAT. Why? Was he drunk?

COB. Drunk, sir? You hear not me say so. Perhaps, he swallowed a tavern-token, or some such device, sir: I have nothing to do withal. I deal with water, and not with wine. Gi'me my tankard there, ho. God b'w'you, sir. It's six o'clock: I should ha' carried

two turns by this. What ho? My stopple? Come.

MAT. Lie in a waterbearer's house! A gentleman of his havings! Well, I'll tell him my mind.

 

Enter Tib

 

COB. What Tib, show this gentleman up to the Captain. Exeunt Tib, Matthew Oh, an' my house were the Brazen Head now! Faith, it would e'en speak, ›Mo fools yet‹. You should ha' some now would take this Master Matthew to be a gentleman, at the least. His father's an honest man, a worshipful fishmonger, and so forth; and now does he creep and wriggle into acquaintance with all the brave gallants about the town, such as my guest is: (oh, my guest is a fine man) and they flout him invincibly. He useth every day to a merchant's house (where I serve water), one Master Kitely's, i' the Old Jewry; and here's the jest, he is in love with my master's sister, Mistress Bridget, and calls her mistress: and there he will sit you a whole afternoon sometimes, reading o' these same abominable, vile (a pox on 'em, I cannot abide them) rascally verses, poyetry, poyetry, and speaking of interludes, 'twill make a man burst to hear him. And the wenches, they do so jeer, and tee-hee at him – well, should they do so much to me, I'd forswear them all, by the foot of Pharaoh. There's an oath! How many waterbearers shall you hear swear such an oath? Oh, I have a guest (he teaches me), he does swear the legiblest of any man christened: by St. George, the foot of Pharaoh, the body of me, as I am a gentleman, and a soldier: such dainty oaths! And withal, he does take this same filthy roguish tobacco, the finest, and cleanliest! It would do a man good to see the fume come forth at his tunnels! Well, he owes me forty shillings (my wife lent him out of her purse, by sixpence a time) besides his lodging: I would I had it. I shall ha'it, he says, the next action. Helter- hang sorrow, care'll kill a cat, up-tails all, and a louse for the hangman.

 

Exit

 

 

Scene 5

Cob's house

 

Bobadil is discovered lying on his bench

 

BOB.