I am sure it will be a very useful Work.’

‘She’s to tell you all what you’re to do,’ resumed Kitty, ‘and how you’re to do this – and all that.’

‘Exceedingly well defined, Kate.’ said Mr Crisp, ‘but pray, Fannikin, what shall you particularly treat of?’

‘O Sir,’ cried I, ‘all parts of life! it will be a very comprehensive work. – And I hope you’ll all have a copy.’

‘Pray what will it cost?’ demanded Mrs Moone, seriously.

‘A Guinea a Volume,’ answered I, ‘and I hope to comprize it in 9 Volumes.’

‘O lord!’ exclaimed she, ‘I shan’t give no such money for it.’

‘I will have 2 Copies,’ said Mlle Rosat, ‘let it Cost what it will. I am sure it will be exceeding well Executed.’

‘I don’t doubt in least,’ cried Mlle Courvoisyois, ‘of politeness of Miss Burney – but I should like to see the Book, to see if I should sought the same.’

‘Will it be like Swift’s Polite Conversation?’3 said Mr Crisp.

‘I intend to Dedicate it to Miss Notable,’ answered I. ‘It will contain all the newest fashioned regulations. In the first place, you are never again to Cough.’

‘Not to Cough?’ exclaimed every one at once, ‘but how are you to help it?’

‘As to that,’ answered I, ‘I am not very clear about it myself, as I own I am guilty sometimes of doing it. But it is as much a mark of ill breeding as it is to Laugh, which is a thing that Lord Chesterfield has stigmatized.’4

‘Indeed! – well, for my part,’ said Mrs Moone, ‘I think there’s no fun without it.’

‘Not for to Laugh!’ exclaimed Courvoisyois, with Hands uplifted – ‘well, I declare I did not sought of such a sing!’

‘And pray,’ said Mr Crisp, making a fine affected Face, ‘may you simper?’

‘You may smile, Sir,’ answered I. ‘But to laugh is quite abominable. Though not quite so bad as sneezing, or blowing the Nose.’

‘Why, if you don’t blow it,’ cried Kitty, taking me literally, ‘what are you to do with it, don’t you think it nastier not to?’

I pretended to be too much shocked to answer her.

‘But pray, is it permitted,’ said Mr Crisp, very drily, ‘to Breathe?’

‘That is not yet, I believe, quite exploded.’ answered I, ‘but I shall be more exact about it in my Book, of which I shall send you six Copies. I shall only tell you in general, that whatever is Natural, plain or easy, is entirely banished from polite Circles.’

‘And all is sentiment and Delicacy, hay Fannikin?’

‘No, Sir, not so,’ replied I, with due gravity, ‘sentiments and sensations were the last fashion; they are now done with – they were laughed out of use, just before laughing was abolished. The present Ton5 is refinement; – nothing is to be, that has been; all things are to be new polished, and highly finished. I shall explain this fully in my Book.’

‘Well, for my part,’ cried Mrs Moone, who took every word I said seriously, ‘I don’t desire to read no such tiddling Books. I’m very well as I am.’

It’s well you think so. thought I.

‘Pray ma’am,’ said Mlle Rosat, ‘is it within the Rules of politeness to pick the Teeth?’

‘Provided you have a little Glass to look in before you.’ answered I, and rose to go upstairs to my Father. –

‘And pray, Ma’am,’ cried she again, ‘is it polite, when a person talks, if you don’t understand them, to look at another as if you said “what Nonsence she says!”’

‘I should imagine not.’ answered I, moving off, alarmed, as I found these Questions were pointed against poor Kitty.

‘Pray is it polite, Ma’am,’ cried Mlle Rosat again, ‘to make signs and to whisper?’

‘I suppose not.’ cried I, opening the Door.

‘And pray,’ cried Kitty colouring, ‘is it pelite to be touchy? And has people any business to suspect, and to be suspicious?’

‘O,’ cried I, ‘these are things that don’t come into my Cognisance –’ and away I ran.

My Father, however, sent me down again to ask Mr Crisp up stairs to play at Back Gammon. I found them all silent. Mr Crisp went up immediately, and presently every body went out but Kitty, Courvoisyois, and me.

I told Kitty, who I saw was swelling with anger, that I began to be sorry she had mentioned the Book – ‘O, – it does not signify,’ – cried she, bursting into a violent fit of Tears – ‘I don’t mind – if people will be cross – it’s nothing to me – I’m sure I’m as obliging as I can – and if people don’t like me, they must let it alone.’ –

We tried to pacify her. Courvoisyois gave her a Glass of wine, and insisted on her Drinking it – ‘I did not sought,’ said she, ‘that Miss Rosat did mean you–I am sure she always says you are very good –’

‘You’re very obliging, Miss Crewe,’ cried Kitty, sobbing, ‘but I can see, as well as other people – and I know what Miss Rossiter meant –’ (N.B. She calls her Rossiter, no one knows why, not even herself) ‘because the thing was, that one Day my Cousin and I were together, and so Rossiter came in – and I’m sure I did not more than I do at this moment – my Cousin can witness for me – but she went out of the Room in a huff, Nobody knows for what, – and then afterwards, she goes and tells my aunt that when she came into the Room, I said Humph! – now I purtest I never said no such a thing, – and so my Cousin would say, if she was here – for I should scorn it – and though I a’n’t so pelite as Miss Rossiter, I’m sure I always try to be as obliging as I can, and if ever she wants any thing, at any Time, I’m always ready to go for her.’

‘I’m sure I always hear her say so, Miss Cooke,’ cried Courvoisyois, ‘I sink you are certainly of a mistake.’

I was very glad she spoke, as I could not, for the account of the cause of the disagreement was told so very ridiculously, that it required a painful effort to forbear laughing out – it was all I could do: however, after some Time, we consoled her, and made her dry her Tears, which she did, all the while protesting that she ‘would not say such a thing as Humph for the World,’ – and that ‘Nobody was further from it.’

They are now upon very good terms again. Poor Kitty has as honest and worthy a Heart as any human Being, and cannot bear to be thought ill of. Yet I can never cease to be astonished that she can have Lived so many years under the same Roof with such a man as Mr Crisp, and yet be so very unformed.

24. From Letter to Samuel Crisp 1 December 1774

St. Martin’s Street1

Thursday Night

My Brother [James] went last Monday to the play of Isabella2 at Drury Lane, – he sat in one of the Upper Boxes, from whence he spied Omai and Mr Banks3 – Upon which, he crossed over to speak to his friend. Omai received him with a hearty shake of the Hand, and made room for him by his side.

On Tuesday night, very late, there came a note which I will write down. It was directed to my Brother. – Omai presents his Compts to Mr Burney. And if it is agreeable and convenient to him, he will do himself the Honour of Dining with Mr Burney to morrow. But if it is not so, Omai will wait upon Mr Burney some other Time that shall suit him better. Omai begs to have an answer, and that if he is to come, begs Mr Burney will fetch him.

Early on Wednesday morning, Jem called at Mr Banks, with my Father’s Compts to him and to Dr Solander,4 and begging their company also. But they were Engaged at the Royal Society.

Mr Strange and Mr Hayes,5 at their own motion, came to Dinner to meet our Guest. We did not Dine till 4, but Omai came at 2, and Mr Banks and Dr Solander brought him, in order to make a short visit to my Father.