. the prisoner’s beloved will be forced to marry the villain . . . We can give the role of the villain to Pisarev. Then an escape from prison . . . shots . . . no need to scrimp on the gunpowder . . . a young maiden whose noble origins come to light only during the course of the play . . . Finally more shots, a conflagration, and the triumph of virtue . . . In short, a play baked in the mold of The Adventures of Rocambole or The Count of Monte Cristo . . .

Thunder, lightning, hoarfrost, dew. The volcano erupts; Lentovsky rushes out.

Act I

The audience, ushers, the Grand Maître du Ballet Hansen, and others.

ushers
(taking the audience members’ furs)

A small tip, Your Excellency? (Not receiving one, they grab the public by the coattails.) Oh black thanklessness! (They are ashamed for humanity.)

A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE

So, is Lentovsky over his illness?

ORCHESTRA CONDUCTOR

He’s been kicking up a fuss, so he must be better.

THE GRAND MAÎTRE DU BALLET HANSEN
(changing in the dressing room)

I’ll knock ’em dead! I’ll show them! All the newspapers will sing my praises!

The First Act continues, but the reader is no doubt impatient: he’s waiting for the Second Act. So, curtain.

Act II

The Palace of Charles XII. Backstage, our grand set designer Valtz is swallowing swords and red-hot coals. Thunder and lightning. Enter Charles XII and his courtiers.

CHARLES XII
(pacing the stage and rolling his eyes)

De la Gardie! You have betrayed the fatherland! Hand over your sword to the captain and off to prison with you!

De la Gardie utters a few heartfelt words and exits.

CHARLES XII

Tarnovsky! In your harrowing play you have made me live an extra ten years! Off to prison with you! (To the Baroness) You love De la Gardie and have a child by him. In the interest of the plot, however, it would be better if I knew nothing about that and give you in marriage to a man you do not love. Marry General Ehrensvärd!

BARONESS
(marries the General)

Ach!

General Ehrensvärd is appointed warden of the jail in which De la Gardie and Tarnovsky are being held.

GENERAL EHRENSVÄRD

I’ll make their life hell!

CHARLES XII

Well, that’s it for me until Act V. I’m off to the dressing room!

Acts IV and V

STELLA
(who usually is not such a bad actress)

Count, I love you!

YOUNG COUNT

And I love you too, Stella. But, in the name of love, I beseech you, tell me why Tarnovsky had to put me in this damn play. It goes on forever! What does he need me for? What in God’s name does this plot have to do with me?

BURL

It’s the octopus that’s behind all this. It was only because of the octopus that I ended up a soldier. He beat me, hounded me, bit me . . . He is the one who wrote this play, or my name isn’t Burl! He’ll do anything to make my life hell!

STELLA
(realizing her noble origins)

I shall go to my father and free him!

On the way to the prison she meets the Grand Maître du Ballet Hansen. He executes a few entrechats.

BURL

It’s all because of the octopus that I ended up a soldier and am now in this play, and it’s the octopus that has made Hansen dance in order to make my life hell! Well, we’ll see about that!

Bridges fall. The scene is engulfed. Hansen executes a great leap that makes the elderly spinsters in the audience faint.

Acts V and VI

In the prison Stella meets her father for the first time and they come up with a plan to escape.

STELLA

I shall save you, Father . . .