"I ain't caterin' to no special parties. That ain't in the regulations. In the regulations I just gotta provide three …"

"Mother," Hawkeye said, "you like Captain Waldowski, don't you?"

"That's right," Mother said. "In fact, there's somethin' about that man I greatly admire."

With that as his cue, and with the Duke nodding assent, Hawkeye launched into an explanation of the emotional and mental state of the Painless Pole and then an impassioned plea. When he finished, Mother Divine agreed to do his part to save the Pride of Hamtramck.

In the Clinic that evening the poker game was stopped, and the poker and pool facilities, along with the dental chair, were removed. Two long tables were transported from the mess hall, candles were lighted and the Swampmen tended bar. The guests—doctors, chopper pilots, enlisted men—began to warm up, but Painless Waldowski sat unhappily in a corner, barely acknowledging the greetings of his friends and admirers.

At the stroke of midnight the Last Supper was served, and no finer meal had ever been prepared at the 4077th MASH. This was due not only to the inspired efforts of Mother Divine but also to the fact that a Canadian supply truck had been hijacked a few miles to the south that very afternoon. As a result, smoked Gaspe salmon was followed by Pea Soup Habitant, roast beef sliced to the individual's preference, three vegetables, tossed salad, baked alaska, coffee or tea, Drambuie and Antonio y Cleopatra cigars.

Painless drank reluctantly and little, but Duke saw to it that the drinks were high in alcoholic content. Painless ate without appetite and at the conclusion of the meal, as each guest rose to make a short speech of fondness and farewell, he barely acknowledged the tributes and good wishes.

When the speeches had been completed, the coffin was carried in. It was lined with blankets and supplied with three fresh decks of cards, a box of poker chips, a fifth of Scotch, several basic dental instruments and pictures of Painless Waldowski's three fiancees. For the first time Painless showed some interest.

"What's that?" he asked.

"The coffin for y'all," the Duke informed him.

"But I'm not even dead yet."

"Yeah, but you're a pretty big guy," Hawkeye said. "We don't want to have to lug you around after you take the black capsule. We figured you could get in the box and then take it. Really, Painless, it'll be a helluva lot more convenient."

Painless looked doubtful.

"Hey, Painless," someone else asked, "which way do you think you'll go? Up or down?"

"I've asked the Father to arrange that," he said, glancing at Dago Red.

"You sure you still got an inside track, Red?" asked Trapper John. "If there's any chance of a slip-up, Painless might change his mind."

"My mind's made up," asserted the Painless Pole.

Father Mulcahy administered the last rites. As he concluded, there was a murmur of approval. This had been one of Red's best and most elaborate fixes.

"Well stroked," said the Duke.

As Painless prepared to enter the coffin and take the black capsule, Trapper and Hawkeye were watching the door anxiously. Suddenly it was thrown open and Radar O'Reilly burst in upon the gathering and, gasping for breath, yelled, "Hold everything!"

"What's the matter?" Hawkeye said.

"I just got the message," Radar said. "Painless needs a parachute. The fix didn't take, and he goes down."

A low, sudden rumble of discontent swept the room. The group turned its attention to Father Mulcahy.

"What's wrong, Red?" demanded Trapper John. "You lose your stuff?"

"Never mind the recriminations," said Hawkeye. "Let's get on with it."

He produced a parachute, and one of the chopper pilots helped him get Painless Waldowski into it. By now Painless was feeling the booze.

"I don't want to be a parachute jumper," he complained. "I might get killed."

"You just might," Hawkeye consoled him. "Get in here, Painless. It's time for take-off."

Complete with parachute, Painless got into the coffin. He took the black capsule and washed it down with a shot of Scotch. Within five minutes, he was in dreamland.

Trapper John came forward with a blue ribbon.