He has just been crowned, so y'all do him honor."

Then the members of the Chief Surgeon's court broke into song:

"Hail to the Chief,

And King of all the surgeons.

He needs a Queen,

To satisfy his urgins."

"That's right," Trapper John, still reclining on his sack, said. "And who's that over there?"

He pointed toward the back of the mess hall. There, sitting apart from the others and evidencing complete disgust, were Major Houlihan and Captain Burns.

"Oh them, Your Highness?" Hawkeye said. "That's just the goose girl and the swine herd."

"I don't like the swine herd," Trapper John said, "but I might get to like the goose girl."

Major Houlihan and Captain Burns retreated to console each other and plot their revenge. They retreated to the Major's tent, where they consoled and plotted until 1:30 a.m. At least that was the report which Corporal Radar O'Reilly submitted in the morning.

The Swampmen were at breakfast when Major Houlihan and Captain Burns entered. As the two started to pass the table, eyes front, Duke spoke up.

"Mornin', Frank," he said.

"Hiya, Hot Lips," said the Chief Surgeon to the Chief Nurse. "Now that I'm a chief, too, we really oughta get together."

Frank stopped, turned and made one menacing step toward the Swampmen.

"Join us if you wish, Frank," invited Hawkeye. "Looks like a great day to set a hen."

Captain Burns thought better of it. He escorted Major Houlihan to a distant table, but his moment came that night when he and Hawkeye found themselves together in the utility room, next to the OR, where coffee was available. Hawkeye had just poured himself a cup and was seated at the table, sipping and smoking, when Captain Burns entered and approached the coffee pot.

"Hey, Frank," said the Hawk, "is that stuff you're tappin' really any good?"

"One more word out of you," Frank erupted, screaming it, "and I'll kill you!"

"So kill me," Hawkeye said.

At that moment Colonel Henry Blake entered, and what he saw was enough to do it. He saw Captain Pierce sitting peacefully with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. He saw Captain Burns, on the other side of the room, pick up the coffee pot and hurl it at Captain Pierce, who ducked. Then he saw Captain Burns follow the coffee pot and start flailing away at Hawkeye with his fists. Hawkeye, having spotted the Colonel, did nothing but cover his head with his arms and scream.

"Henry!" he screamed. "Help me, Henry! He's gone mad!"

The next day Captain Burns was reassigned to a stateside hospital. Although the Swampmen were happy, Colonel Blake wasn't, and entered The Swamp to define his unhappiness.

"OK," he said. "You guys win another round. You ditched Frank. I could have put up with him screwing Hot Lips, if he was, which I doubt, but you guys had to have your way. I just want you to know that I know what you did. He was a jerk, I admit, but he was needed, and now we don't have him and it's your fault."

"Henry," said Hawkeye, "for Crissake, sit down and relax. Nobody needs guys like him. You're all concerned with numbers of people. The clown created more work than he accomplished. We're better off without him."

"Maybe so," Henry sighed. "I don't know."

"Henry," Duke asked, "if I get into Hot Lips and jump Hawkeye Pierce can I go home, too?"

7

Each doctor's tent at the MASH had a young Korean to clean it, keep the stove going, shine shoes, and do the laundry and other chores. He was called a houseboy.

Naturally The Swamp's houseboy was called a Swampboy. His name was Ho-Jon. Ho-Jon was tall for a Korean.