But your dim-witted doctor here would feel himself equal to his task and in a seventh heaven if fate, in the name of principle and the common ideals of mankind, gave him the opportunity to get me by the throat and wallop me publicly on the snout.

LEBEDEV: Young people are all temperamental. My uncle was a Hegelian13 ... so he used to have his house full of guests, get up on a chair and begin: ‘You’re all ignoramuses! You’re a dark force! The dawn of a new life!’ Ta-ta, ta-ta, ta-ta ... He really kept on giving it to them ...

SASHA: And what did the guests do?

LEBEDEV: Nothing ... They listened and drank. But once I challenged him to a duel ... my own uncle. It was over Francis Bacon.14 I remember, I was sitting, God help my memory, just as Matvey is now, and my uncle was standing with the late Gerasim Nilych just here, more or less, where Nikolasha is ... Well, my friend, Gerasim Nilych asks the question ...

[Enter BORKIN.]

V

[The same and BORKIN. He enters by the right-hand door, dressed very smartly, with a package in his hands, jumping up and down and singing. A buzz of approbation.]

[All together:]

YOUNG LADIES: Mikhail Mikhaylovich!

LEBEDEV: Michel Michelich!15 Talk of the devil ...

SHABELSKY: The life and soul of the party!

BORKIN: And here I am! [Runs up to Sasha.] Noble signorina, I make so bold as to congratulate the universe on the birth of so marvellous a flower as you ... As tribute of my rapture, I venture to present [gives her the package] fireworks and Bengal lights of my own manufacture. May they illuminate the night as you lighten the gloom of the kingdom of darkness. [Bows theatrically.]

SASHA: Thank you.

LEBEDEV [laughing, to Ivanov]: Why don’t you fire that Judas!

B0RKIN: [to Lebedev] Pavel Kirillych! [To Ivanov] Master ... [5Y»gs] Nicolas-voilà, ho-hi-ho! [He goes round everyone.] Most esteemed Zinaida Savishna ... Divine Marfa Yegorovna ... Most ancient Avdotya Nazarovna ... Most serene Count ...

SHASELSKY [laughing loudly): The life and soul of the party...Immediately he came in, the atmosphere loosened up. Did you notice?

BORKIN: Ouf, I’m exhausted ... I think I’ve greeted everyone. Well, ladies and gentlemen, what’s new? Is there nothing special, nothing that hits you in the face? [To Zinaida Savishna, animatedly] Oh, listen, mother ... I was driving to you just now ... [To Gavrila] Gavryusha, give me some tea, only no gooseberry jam! [To ZinaidaSavishna] I was driving to you just now and the peasants were stripping the willows on your river. Why don’t you farm out the willows?

LEBEDEV [to Ivanov]: Why don’t you fire that Judas?

ZINAIDA SAVISHNA [alarmedly]: Yes, that’s true, it never came into my head ...

BORKIN [performing gymnastics with his arms]: I’ve got to be moving ... Mother, what could we put on that’s special? Marfa Yegorovna, I’m feeling on top of the world ... I’m in a state of exaltation. [Sings] ‘Afresh before thee I ...’

ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: Do organize something, we’re all bored.

B0RKIN: Ladies and gentlemen, why are you so glum? Sitting there like a jury after it’s been sworn in! ... Let’s think up something. What would you like? Forfeits, tug of war, catch, dancing, fireworks?

YOUNG LADIES [clapping their hands]: Fireworks, fireworks! [They run into the garden.]

SASHA [to Ivanov]: Why are you so boring today?

IVANOV: I’ve got a headache, Shurochka, and I’m bored ...

SASHA: Let’s go into the drawing-room.

[They go out of the right-hand door; everyone else goes out into the garden except ZINAIDA SAVISHNA and LEBEDEV.]

ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: Now there’s my idea of a young man: he’s only been here a minute and he’s cheered everyone up. [Turns down the biglamp.] While they’re all in the garden there’s no point in the candles burning uselessly.