It’s something else, Nikolasha, but what - I don’t understand.

IVANOV: I myself don’t understand. I think, either ... but no!

[A pause.]

You see, this is what I wanted to say. I had a workman, Semyon, whom you will remember. Once at threshing time he wanted to show off his strength before the girls, he heaved two sacks of rye up on to his back and overstrained himself. He died soon after. I think I must have overstrained myself too. The Gymnasium,10 university, then running the estate, schools, projects ... My religious beliefs weren’t like everyone else’s, nor was my marriage, I became excited, I took risks, I threw my money right and left, as you yourself know, I’ve been happy and I’ve suffered like no one else in the entire district. All that, Pasha, is my two sacks of rye ... I heaved the load up on to my back and my back broke. At twenty we are all heroes, we take on everything, we can do everything, and at thirty we’re already worn out, we’re good for nothing. How, how do you explain this tendency to exhaustion? But perhaps it’s not that ... Not that at all! ... Go, Pasha, bless you, I’ve been a nuisance to you.

LEBEDEV [animatedly]: Do you know what? You’ve got depressed by your environment, my friend.

IVANOV: That’s silly, Pasha, and it’s been said before. On your way!

LEBEDEV : Indeed it’s silly! I see now myself that it’s silly. I’m going, I’m going! ... [Exit.]

VI

[IVANOV, then LVOV.]

IVANOV [alone]: I am a bad, pathetic and worthless individual. One needs to be pathetic too, worn out and drained by drink, like Pasha, to be still fond of me and to respect me. My God, how I despise myself! I so deeply loathe my voice, my walk, my hands, these clothes, my thoughts. Well, isn’t that funny, isn’t that shocking? Less than a year ago I was healthy and strong, I was cheerful, tireless, passionate, I worked with these very hands, I could speak to move even Philistines to tears, I could cry when I saw grief, I became indignant when I encountered evil. I knew inspiration, I knew the charm and poetry of quiet nights when from dusk to dawn you sit at your desk or indulge your mind with dreams. I believed, I looked into the future as into the eyes of my own mother ... And now, my God, I am exhausted, I do not believe, I spend my days and nights in idleness. I can’t control my brain, my hands, my legs. The estate is going to the dogs, the woods are crashing down before the axe. [Weeps.] My land looks at me like an orphan. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing moves me to pity, my soul trembles with fear of tomorrow ... And my story with Sara? I swore eternal love, I prophesied our happiness, I opened before her eyes a future such as she had not seen even in her dreams. She believed me.