Nor did he cause the river to overflow its banks (as it did) and wipe out thirty-five fishing villages and bring crocodiles ten miles into the forest where they fought in a beastly fashion with leopards and buffaloes.

Nor, and this must be placed to his credit and widely advertised, was he in the least degree responsible for the presence and personality of one who was flippantly described as “Lords.”

New brooms may not always sweep clean, but, generally speaking, they raise enough dust to choke some men and bring tears to the eyes of others. Macalister Campbell-Cairns was the newest broom that was ever landed from a surf-boat to agitate the fever-bitten back-blocks, and bring to the surface the murder urge which lies so close to the skin of the most law-abiding.

This man was an Excellency, had on the lapel of his coat miniature noughts and crosses that glittered at the end of variegated ribbons; wore, as his right on such occasions, a radiant paste star over his pancreas, and could put a string of letters after his name as long as the name itself. He fell from the surf-boat into the arms of a sergeant of King’s Houssas, fell from the tawdry little horse carriage which brought turn to Government House, into the presence of a second and third secretary, a Chief Staff Officer, and the Master of his Household; and eventually fell into the thickly padded chair which was his by right of his high office. And almost immediately the new broom began to move around the dusty places, and there was issued from Administrative Headquarters an Order of the Day which was, to all intents and purposes, an Address of Welcome to Sir Macalister Campbell-Cairns, written by Sir Macalister Campbell-Cairns and signed in his indecipherable hand. He had come (he said) to bring Light into Dark Places; to do justice to white and black alike; to offer an Inspiration and a Hope to the most Debased; to establish Centralisation and curb the undesirable tendencies of officials to usurp the functions of the Law. (He did not exactly say this, but he meant this.) And last, but not least, he Intended Making Himself Acquainted with every Frontier Post of Civilisation for which he was responsible. And if anybody had grievances would they kindly keep them until he came along.

“O my God!” gasped thirty-three Commissioners, Inspectors, Officers Commanding troops and the like when this reached them.

Attached to the address of welcome was a “Very Secret and Highly Confidential” note for the more important of his subordinates.

It has been brought to the Administrator’s attention that judgment of death is frequently given and executed by subordinate officials, particularly in the Reserved Territories. This practice must cease. All inquiries into cases of murder, treason, and incitement to rebellion must be remitted to A.H.Q., accompanied by a report of the evidence in triplicate, depositions (in duplicate) and of report of the findings of the court.

A month after this order was issued. Lieutenant Tibbetts, whose other name was Bones, chased a man who had murdered N’kema, the woodman, and stolen his wife, caught him on the borders of the old king’s country, and hanged him within an hour of his arrest.

Thereupon was Hell let Loose at Administrative Headquarters, and the musical career of Lieutenant Tibbetts was threatened with extinguishment.

Adolescence is a disorder which is marked by well-defined periods of fevers and flushings, shiverings of body and whizzings of head. Peculiar and symptomatic of these phases are strange cravings and aberrations, and a certain eccentric choice in the matter of condiment. For the bread of youth is better enjoyed when flavoured with an opsonium which is indigestible and even repulsive to the more educated taste.

The child who does not fix wistful eyes upon the cab of a railway engine is scarcely normal, the youth who has not envied the conductors of orchestras is hardly human. The young man who wishes that he could sit down at a piano and with an air of nonchalance run his fingers along the keys and dash straight away into the most complicated of musical compositions, has something wrong with him.

Bones had come to a state of development when he most passionately desired to make music. He had a portable harmonium in the corner of his hut and a viola under his bed. He could tell almost at a glance the difference between B flat and F sharp on any printed sheet. He had a small library on the Theory of Music, every book bound in royal blue with his monogram in gold on the covers. A trap drummer’s outfit occupied a table usually and more properly reserved for the study of Cleary’s Tactics and the Manual of Military Law.

Bones started his infamous musical career by the purchase of a clarinet–a long thing of wood and glittering metal. He bought this, as he bought most unnecessary things, because in the pages of his favourite magazine he had read an advertisement which told him to:

Learn to Play the Clarinet. Was Clerk, now Leader of Tawoomba Silver Band. Learning Clarinet Made This Man Owner of His Own House and Put $10,000.00 into Farmers Bank.

“This man’s” portrait was given to prove the bona fides of the claim. Bones thought $10,000.00 was ten millions, and sent 25 dollars by the next mail. He could never resist these bullying advertisements that order you to “fill in that coupon and send your money right away.”.

“I’ve got a soft heart, dear old officer,” he apologised for the clarinet when eventually it came. “It’s like drink to me, dear old captain. The minute I see one of those dashed old coupons I’ve got to sign it. I’m easily led, dear sir and brother officer–you can’t drive old Bones. You can lead him but you can’t drive him. That sort of thing runs in the family.”

“Weak-minded?” suggested Hamilton.

“Not weak-minded–naughty, naughty!” Bones was waggishly reproachful.

“The point is this. Bones”–Captain Hamilton swung round in his chair and his eye was cold, his manner distinctly unfriendly–“I’m not going to allow you to learn to play that infernal instrument within five miles of the Residency.”

“Ham, old sir,” said Bones gently, “are you being just, dear old sir–justice, Ham, old superior, as jolly old Shakespeare says, blesses him or she who gives and him or she who takes.”

Hamilton often blamed himself for his weakness in the matter of the clarinet. He should have put Bones under arrest or poisoned him or something.

Bones’s love of music grew with what it fed upon. The harmonium was not a nuisance until he brought it into the open one warm night and played to 120 fascinated soldiers of the King’s Houssas, their innumerable wives and progeny. The handbells (which marked the next stage of the disease) were a curse: twice Hamilton sprinted to the Residency, thinking he was late for lunch, only to discover that Bones was practising “Ring Out Wild Bells.” Once the whole camp was turned out at midnight to catch Alt Ahmet’s pet chimpanzee who had broken his chain and gone on a foraging expedition.