That he who comes to an anchor on a wife, may find himself moored in damned foul ground, and after all, can't for his blood slip his cable; and that for his own part, thof he might make short trips for pastime, he would never embark in woman on the voyage of life, because he was afraid of foundering in the first foul weather.

In all probability, these insinuations made some impression on the mind of Mr. Pickle, who was not very much inclined to run great risks of any kind; but the injunctions and importunities of his sister, who was bent upon the match, overbalanced the opinion of his sea friends, who finding him determined to marry, notwithstanding all the hints of caution they had thrown out, resolved to accept his invitation, and honoured his nuptials with their presence accordingly.

 

 

Chapter IV

The Behaviour of Mrs. Grizzle at the Wedding, with an Account of the Guests

 

I hope it will not be thought uncharitable, if I advance by way of conjecture, that Mrs. Grizzle, on this grand occasion, summoned her whole exertion, to play off the artillery of her charms, upon the single gentlemen who were invited to the entertainment: sure I am, she displayed to the best advantage all the engaging qualities she possessed: her affability at dinner was altogether uncommon, her attention to the guests was superfluously hospitable, her tongue was sheathed with a most agreeable and infantine lisp, her address was perfectly obliging; and though, conscious of the extraordinary capacity of her mouth, she would not venture to hazard a laugh, she modelled her lips into an enchanting simper, which played upon her countenance all day long; nay, she even profited by that defect in her vision we have already observed, and securely contemplated those features which were most to her likeing, while the rest of the company believed her regards were disposed in a quite contrary direction. With what humility of complaisance did she receive the compliments of those who could not help praising the elegance of the banquet! and how piously did she seize that opportunity of commemorating the honours of her sire, by observing that it was no merit in her to understand something of entertainments, as she had occasion to preside at so many, during the mayoralty of her papa! Far from discovering the least symptom of pride and exultation, when the opulence of her family became the subject of conversation, she assumed a severity of countenance; and after having moralized on the vanity of riches, declared that those who looked upon her as a fortune, were very much mistaken; for her father had left her no more than poor five thousand pounds, which, with what little she had saved of the interest since his death, was all she had to depend upon: indeed, if she had placed her chief felicity in wealth, she should not have been so forward in destroying her own expectations, by advising and promoting the event at which they were now so happily assembled; but she hoped she should always have virtue enough to postpone any interested consideration, when it should happen to clash with the happiness of her friends. Finally, such was her modesty and self-denial, that she industriously informed those whom it might concern, that she was no less than three years older than the bride; though had she added ten to the reckoning, she would have committed no mistake in point of computation.

To contribute as much as lay in her power to the satisfaction of all present, she in the afternoon regaled them with a tune on the harpsichord, accompanied with her voice, which, though not the most melodious in the world, I dare say, would have been equally at their service, could she have vyed with Philomel in song; and as the last effort of her complaisance when dancing was proposed, she was prevailed upon, at the request of her new sister, to open the ball in person.

In a word, Mrs. Grizzle was the principal figure in this festival, and almost eclipsed the bride, who far from seeming to dispute the preheminence, very wisely allowed her to make the best of her talents; contenting herself with the lot to which fortune had already called her, and which she imagined would not be the less desirable, if her sister-in-law were detached from the family.

I believe I need scarce advertise the reader, that during this whole entertainment, the commodore and his lieutenant were quite out of their element; and this indeed, was the case with the bridegroom himself, who being utterly unacquainted with any sort of polite commerce, found himself under a very disagreeable restraint during the whole scene.

Trunnion, who had scarce ever been on shore till he was paid off, and never once in his whole life, in the company of any females above the rank of those who herd upon the point at Portsmouth, was more embarrassed about his behaviour than if he had been surrounded at sea by the whole French navy. He had never pronounced the word Madam since he was born, so that far from entering into conversation with the ladies, he would not even return the compliment, or give the least nod of civility when they drank to his health; and I verily believe, would rather have suffered suffocation, than allowed the simple phrase, your servant, to proceed from his mouth. He was altogether as inflexible with respect to the attitudes of his body; for, either through obstinacy or bashfulness, he sat upright without motion, insomuch that he provoked the mirth of a certain wag, who addressing himself to the lieutenant, asked whether that was the commodore himself, or the wooden lion that used to stand at his gate? An image to which, it must be owned, Mr. Trunnion's person bore no faint resemblance.

Mr. Hatchway, who was not quite so unpolished as the commodore, and had certain notions that seemed to approach the ideas of common life, made a less uncouth appearance; but then he was a wit, and though of a very peculiar genius, partook largely of that disposition which is common to all wits, who never enjoy themselves, except when their talents meet with those marks of distinction and veneration, which (in their own opinion) they deserve.

These circumstances being premised, it is not to be wondered at, if this triumvirate made no objections to the proposal, when some of the grave personages of the company made a motion for adjourning into another apartment, where they might enjoy their pipes and bottles, while the young folks indulged themselves in the continuance of their own favourite diversion. Thus rescued, as it were, from a state of annihilation, the first use the two lads of the castle made of their existence, was to ply the bridegroom so hard with bumpers, that in less than an hour he made divers efforts to sing, and soon after was carried to bed, deprived of all manner of sensation, to the utter disappointment of the bridemen and maids, who, by this accident, were prevented from throwing the stocking, and performing certain other ceremonies practised on such occasions. As for the bride, she bore this misfortune with great good humour, and indeed, on all occasions, behaved like a discreet woman, perfectly well acquainted with the nature of her own situation.

 

 

Chapter V

Mrs. Pickle assumes the Reins of Government in her own Family; her Sister-in-law undertakes an Enterprize of Great Moment; but is for some time diverted from her Purpose, by a very interesting Consideration

 

Whatever deference, not to say submission, she had paid to Mrs. Grizzle before she was so nearly allied to her family, she no sooner became Mrs. Pickle, than she thought it incumbent upon her to act up to the dignity of the character; and the very day after the marriage, ventured to dispute with her sister-in-law on the subject of her own pedigree, which she affirmed to be more honourable in all respects than that of her husband; observing that several younger brothers of her house had arrived at the station of lord mayor of London, which was the highest pitch of greatness that any of Mr. Pickle's predecessors had ever attained.

This presumption was like a thunderbolt to Mrs. Grizzle, who began to perceive that she had not succeeded quite so well as she imagined, in selecting for her brother a gentle and obedient yoke-fellow, who would always treat her with that profound respect which she thought due to her superior genius, and be entirely regulated by her advice and direction: however, she still continued to manage the reins of government in the house, reprehending the servants as usual; an office she performed with great capacity, and in which she seemed to take singular delight, until Mrs. Pickle, on pretence of consulting her ease, told her one day she would take that trouble upon herself, and for the future assume the management of her own family. Nothing could be more mortifying to Mrs. Grizzle than such a declaration, to which, after a considerable pause, and strange distortion of look, she replied, »I shall never refuse or repine at any trouble that may conduce to my brother's advantage.« »Dear madam,« answered the sister, »I am infinitely obliged to your kind concern for Mr. Pickle's interest, which I consider as my own, but I cannot bear to see you a sufferer by your friendship; and therefore, insist upon exempting you from the fatigue you have borne so long.«

In vain did the other protest that she took pleasure in the task; Mrs. Pickle ascribed the assurance to her excess of complaisance, and expressed such tenderness of zeal for her dear sister's health and tranquillity, that the reluctant maiden found herself obliged to resign her authority, without enjoying the least pretext for complaining of her being deposed.

This disgrace was attended by a fit of peevish devotion that lasted three or four weeks; during which period, she had the additional chagreen of seeing the young lady gain an absolute ascendency over the mind of her brother, who was persuaded to set up a gay equipage, and improve his housekeeping, by an augmentation in his expence, to the amount of a thousand a year at least: tho' this alteration in the oeconomy of his houshold, effected no change in his own disposition, or manner of life; for, soon as the painful ceremony of receiving and returning visits was performed, he had recourse again to the company of his sea-friends, with whom he spent the best part of his time. But, if he was satisfied with his condition, the case was otherwise with Mrs. Grizzle, who finding her importance in the family greatly diminished, her attractions neglected by all the male-sex in the neighbourhood, and the withering hand of time hang threatning over her head, began to feel the horror of eternal virginity, and in a sort of desperation, resolved at any rate to rescue herself from that reproachful and uncomfortable situation. Thus determined, she formed a plan, the execution of which, to a spirit less enterprizing and sufficient than her's, would have appeared altogether impracticable; this was no other than to make a conquest of the commodore's heart, which the reader will easily believe was not very susceptible of tender impressions; but, on the contrary, fortified with insensibility and prejudice against the charms of the whole sex, and particularly prepossessed to the prejudice of that class distinguished by the appellation of old maids, in which Mrs. Grizzle was, by this time, unhappily ranked. She nevertheless took the field, and having invested this seemingly impregnable fortress, began to break ground one day, when Trunnion dined at her brother's, by springing certain ensnaring commendations on the honesty and sincerity of sea-faring people, paying a particular attention to his place, and affecting a simper of approbation at every thing he said which by any means she could construe into a joke, or with modesty be supposed to hear: nay, even when he left decency on the left hand, (which was often the case) she ventured to reprimand his freedom of speech with a gracious grin, saying, »Sure you gentlemen belonging to the sea have such an odd way with you.« But, all this complacency was so ineffectual, that, far from suspecting the true cause of it, the commodore, that very evening, at the club, in presence of her brother, with whom, by this time, he could take any manner of freedom, did not scruple to damn her for a squinting, block-faced, chattering piss-kitchen; and immediately after drank despair to all old maids; a toast which Mr. Pickle pledged without the least hesitation, and next day intimated to his sister, who bore the indignity with surprising resignation, and did not therefore desist from her scheme, unpromising as it seemed to be, until her attention was called off, and engaged in another care, which, for some time, interrupted the progress of this design. Her sister had not been married many months, when she exhibited evident symptoms of pregnancy, to the general satisfaction of all concerned, and the inexpressible joy of Mrs.