Here I am, ready and willing to surrender myself to you completely rather than advertise myself in the public square. To do that, I might as well hire a matchmaker, and why not eliminate the middleman?’

“My brains no longer resided in my head just then, but somewhere farther south. All this tickled me no end. I also pictured her property transformed into cash on the barrelhead—not, I hasten to assure you, that I was thinking about anything but the allure that was holding my brains hostage.

“I told her that lady luck and the lord of heaven must be smiling on me to provide, as if by some miracle, a helpmeet like her to become the mistress of my fortune. That fortune of mine wasn’t too small to hope that, what with the chain I wore around my neck and other baubles I had at home, and by selling off some of my military decorations, I could scare up at least two thousand ducats. These, alongside her twenty-five hundred, would be enough for us to settle down in my hometown where I had family and a little land. The income from that, together with our grubstake, would allow us to lead a joyful life, and no one would dare say a word against us.

“To make a long story short, we set a date that very day. We posted the necessary legal announcements on the first three available holidays (which chanced to fall together). On the fourth we celebrated our marriage with two friends of mine and a young man Doña Estefanía introduced as her cousin, whom I greeted as a kinsman with a great show of flowery language. I’d got into that habit while pitching woo at my bride—just how dishonestly, I blush to say. Even though I’d never lie to you, you’re not my confessor either, and I prefer to husband the truth.

“My servant removed my trunk from my lodgings to my new wife’s. I put away my beloved chain and showed her three or four others, not so large but better made. Showing off my best clothes and accessories, I also gave her about four hundred reales to defray the household expenses. Then, for six days, I drank the sweet wine of wedlock, lolling around like an impoverished bridegroom in the house of his rich father-in-law. I walked on deep carpets, lounged in high-thread-count sheets, lit my path with silver candlesticks, enjoyed breakfast in bed, got up at eleven, ate lunch at twelve, and at two took my siesta in the parlor.

“Doña Estefanía and her serving girl indulged my every whim. My servant, who’d always struck me as lazy, suddenly grew nimble as a deer. If Doña Estefanía left my side even once, it was only to go into the kitchen and devote all her care to preparing enticing fricassees—first to whet my appetite, and then to satisfy it.

“My shirts, collars, and handkerchiefs smelled like a florist’s shop, so drenched were they with perfumes. Those days flew by fast, just as subject to time’s hasty dominion as the years. Such devoted ministrations were even beginning to transmute my base intentions.

“Then one morning, while I was still in bed with Doña Estefanía, a loud knocking and shouting sounded at the street door. Her serving girl popped her head out the window and immediately pulled it in again, saying, ‘There she is, sure enough. She came sooner than she mentioned in her letter the other day, but who are we to turn her away?’

‘Who, girl?’ I asked.

‘Who?’ she replied. ‘Why, my lady Doña Clementa Bueso, and with her Don Lope Melendez de Almendarez, two other servants, and Hortigosa the chaperone.’

‘Run, wench, and open the door for them,’ Doña Estefanía cried. ‘And you, señor, as you love me, don’t overreact, or reply to anything you hear said against me.’

‘Who would dare say anything to offend you, especially with me here? Tell me, who are these people whose arrival’s upset you like this?’

‘Not now,’ said Doña Estefanía. ‘Just know that whatever takes place here is all part of a plan, which I’ll tell you about later.’

“Before I could answer, in walked Doña Clementa Bueso dressed in lustrous green satin richly laced with gold, a hat with green, white, and pink feathers, and a fine veil covering half her face. Don Lope came in with her, wearing a traveling suit as elegant as it was rich. Hortigosa broke the silence: ‘Saints and angels, what’s this! My lady Doña Clementa’s bed occupied, and by a man, too! I swear, Doña Estefanía has taken advantage of milady’s friendship!’

‘That she has, Hortigosa,’ replied Doña Clementa, ‘but I blame myself for trusting people who only act like friends when it suits them.’

“To all this Doña Estefanía replied, ‘Please don’t be mad, milady Clementa. I promise you there’s more to this than you think, and when you hear it you’ll forgive me completely.’

“By now I’d put on my stockings and doublet, and Doña Estefanía, taking me by the hand, led me into another room. There she told me that this friend of hers wanted to play a trick on her fiancé, this Don Lope who’d come with her. The trick was to make him believe that the house and everything in it belonged to Doña Clementa. Once the couple married, when the truth came out it would hardly matter, that’s how confidently Clementa had Don Lope wrapped around her finger.