Then she went on to tell me how she fell into a good Family, where behaving herself well, and her Mistress dying, her Master married her, by whom she had my Husband and his Sister, and that by her Diligence and good Management after her Husband's Death, she had improved the Plantations to such a degree as they then were, so that most of the Estate was of her getting, not of her Husband's, for she had been a Widow upwards of Sixteen Years.
I heard this part of the Story with very little Attention, because I wanted much to retire and give vent to my Passions, and let any one judge what must be the Anguish of my Mind, when I came to reflect, that this was certainly no more or less than my own Mother, and that I had now had two Children, and was big with another by my own Brother, and lay with him still every Night.
I was now the most unhappy of all Women in the World: O! had the Story never been told me, all had been well; it had been no Crime to have lain with my Husband, if I had known nothing of it.
I had now such a Load on my Mind that it kept me perpetually waking; to reveal it I could not find would be to any Purpose, and yet to conceal it would be next to impossible; nay, I did not doubt but I should talk in my Sleep, and tell my Husband of it whether I would or no: If I discover'd it, the least thing I could expect was to lose my Husband, for he was too nice and too honest a Man to have continu'd my Husband after he had known I had been his Sister, so that I was perplex'd to the last Degree.
I leave it to any Man to judge what Difficulties presented to my View, I was away from my Native Country at a Distance prodigious, and the return to me unpassable; I liv'd very well, but in a Circumstance unsufferable in itself; if I had discover'd my self to my Mother, it might be difficult to convince her of the Particulars, and I had no way to prove them: On the other hand, if she had questioned or doubted me, I had been undone, for the bare Suggestion would have immediately separated me from my Husband, without gaining my Mother or him, so that between the Surprize on one hand, and the Uncertainty on the other, I had been sure to be undone.
In the mean time, as I was but too sure of the Fact, I liv'd therefore in open avowed Incest and Whoredom, and all under the appearance of an honest Wife; and tho' I was not much touched with the Crime of it, yet the Action had something in it shocking to Nature, and made my Husband even nauseous to me. However, upon the most sedate Consideration, I resolv'd, that it was absolutely necessary to conceal it all, and not make the least Discovery of it either to Mother or Husband; and thus I liv'd with the greatest Pressure imaginable for three Years more.
During this time my Mother used to be frequently telling me old Stories of her former Adventures, which however were no ways pleasant to me; for by it, tho' she did not tell it me in plain Terms, yet I could understand, joyn'd with what I heard my self, of my first Tutors, that in her younger Days she had been Whore and Thief; but I verily believe she had liv'd to repent sincerely of both, and that she was then a very Pious, Sober, and Religious Woman.
Well, let her Life have been what it would then, it was certain that my Life was very uneasy to me; for I liv'd, as I have said, but in the worst sort of Whoredom, and as I could expect no good of it, so really no good Issue came of it, and all my seeming Prosperity wore off and ended in Misery and Destruction. It was some time indeed before it came to this, for every thing went wrong with us afterwards, and that which was worse, my Husband grew strangely alter'd, froward, jealous, and unkind, and I was as impatient of bearing his Carriage, as the Carriage was unreasonable and unjust: These things proceeded so far, and we came at last to be in such ill Terms with one another that I claim'd a Promise of him which he enter'd willingly into with me, when I consented to come from England with him, viz. that if I did not like to live there, I should come away to England again when I pleas'd, giving him a Year's warning to settle his Affairs.
I say, I now claim'd this Promise of him, and I must confess I did it not in the most obliging Terms that could be neither; but I insisted that he treated me ill, that I was remote from my Friends, and could do my self no Justice, and that he was Jealous without Cause, my Conversation having been unblameable, and he having no Pretence for it, and that to remove to England, would take away all Occasion from him.
I insisted so peremptorily upon it, that he could not avoid coming to a Point, either to keep his Word with me, or to break it; and this, notwithstanding he used all the Skill he was Master of, and employ'd his Mother and other Agents to prevail with me to alter my Resolutions; indeed the bottom of the thing lay at my Heart, and that made all his Endeavours fruitless, for my Heart was alienated from him. I loathed the Thoughts of Bedding with him, and used a Thousand Pretences of Illness and Humour to prevent his touching me, fearing nothing more than to be with Child again, which to be sure would have prevented, or at least delay'd my going over to England.
However, at last I put him so out of Humour that he took up a rash and fatal Resolution, that in short I should not go to England; that tho' he had promis'd me, yet it was an unreasonable thing, that it would be ruinous to his Affairs, would unhinge his whole Family, and be next to an Undoing him in the World; that therefore I ought not to desire it of him, and that no Wife in the World that valued her Family and her Husband's Prosperity, would insist upon such a thing.
This plung'd me again, for when I considered the thing calmly, and took my Husband as he really was, a diligent careful Man, in the main, and that he knew nothing of the dreadful Circumstances that he was in, I could not but confess to my self that my Proposal was very unreasonable, and what no Wife that had the good of her Family at Heart wou'd have desir'd.
But my Discontents were of another Nature; I look'd upon him no longer as a Husband, but as a near Relation, the Son of my own Mother, and I resolv'd some how or other to be clear of him, but which way I did not know.
It is said by the ill-natur'd World, of our Sex, that if we are set on a thing, it is impossible to turn us from our Resolutions: In short, I never ceas'd poring upon the Means to bring to pass my Voyage, and came that length with my Husband at last, as to propose going without him: This provok'd him to the last degree, and he call'd me not only an unkind Wife, but an unnatural Mother, and ask'd me how I could entertain such a Thought without Horror, as that of leaving my two Children (for one was dead) without a Mother, and never to see them more. It was true, had things been right, I should not have done it, but now, it was my real desire never to see them, or him either any more; and as to the Charge of unnatural, I could easily answer it to my self, while I knew that the whole Relation was unnatural in the highest degree.
However, there was no bringing my Husband to any thing; he would neither go with me, or let me go without him, and it was out of my Power to stir without his Consent, as any one that is acquainted with the Constitution of that Country knows very well.
We had many Family Quarrels about it, and they began to grow up to a dangerous Height; for as I was quite estrang'd from him in Affection, so I took no heed to my Words, but sometimes gave him Language that was provoking: In short, I strove all I could to bring him to a parting with me, which was what above all things I desir'd most.
He took my Carriage very ill, and indeed he might well do so, for at last I refus'd to Bed with him, and carrying on the Breach upon all occasions to extremity, he told me once he thought I was Mad, and if I did not alter my Conduct, he would put me under Cure; that is to say, into a Mad-house: I told him he should find I was far enough from Mad, and that it was not in his power, or any other Villains, to Murther me; I confess at the same time I was heartily frighted at his Thoughts of putting me into Mad-house, which would at once have destroy'd all the possibility of bringing the Truth out; for that then, no one would have given Credit to a word of it.
This therefore brought me to a Resolution, whatever came of it, to lay open my whole Case; but which way to do it, or to whom, was an inextricable Difficulty; when another Quarrel with my Husband happen'd, which came up to such an Extream as almost push'd me on to tell it him all to his Face; but tho' I kept it in so as not to come to the particulars, I spoke so much as put him into the utmost Confusion, and in the End brought out the whole Story.
He began with a calm Expostulation upon my being so resolute to go to England; I defended it, and one hard Word bringing on another, as is usual in all Family Strife, he told me, I did not treat him as if he was my Husband, or talk of my Children, as if I was a Mother; and in short, that I did not deserve to be us'd as a Wife: That he had us'd all the fair Means possible with me; that he had argu'd with all the kindness and calmness, that a Husband or a Christian ought to do, and that I made him such a vile return, that I treated him rather like a Dog than a Man, and rather like the most contemptible Stranger than a Husband: That he was very loth to use Violence with me, but that, in short, he saw a Necessity of it now, and that for the future he should be oblig'd to take such Measures as should reduce me to my Duty.
My Blood was now fir'd to the utmost, and nothing could appear more provok'd; I told him, for his fair means and his foul they were equally contemn'd by me; that for my going to England, I was resolv'd on it, come what would; and that as to treating him not like a Husband, and not showing my self a Mother to my Children, there might be something more in it than he understood at present; but I thought fit to tell him thus much, that he neither was my lawful Husband, nor they lawful Children, and that I had reason to regard neither of them more than I did.
I Confess I was mov'd to pity him when I spoke it, for he turn'd pale as Death, and stood mute as one Thunder-struck, and once or twice I thought he would have fainted; in short, it put him in a Fit something like an Apoplex; he trembl'd, a Sweat or Dew ran off his Face, and yet he was cold as a Clod, so that I was forced to fetch something to keep Life in him; when he recover'd of that, he grew sick and vomited, and in a little after was put to Bed, and the next Morning was in a violent Fever.
However, it went off again, and he recovered, tho' but slowly, and when he came to be a little better, he told me, I had given him a mortal Wound with my Tongue, and he had only one thing to ask before he desir'd an Explanation; I interrupted him, and told him I was sorry I had gone so far, since I saw what disorder it put him into, but I desir'd him not to talk to me of Explanations, for that would but make things worse.
This heighten'd his Impatience, and indeed perplex'd him beyond all bearing; for now he began to suspect that there was some Mystery yet unfolded, but could not make the least guess at it; all that run in his Brain was, that I had another Husband alive, but I assur'd him, there was not the least of that in it; indeed as to my other Husband he was effectually dead to me, and had told me I should look on him as such, so I had not the least uneasiness on that score.
But now I found the thing too far gone to conceal it much longer, and my Husband himself gave me an Opportunity to ease my self of the Secret much to my Satisfaction; he had laboured with me three or four Weeks, but to no purpose, only to tell him, whether I had spoken those Words only to put him in a Passion, or whether there was any thing of Truth in the bottom of them: But I continued inflexible, and would explain nothing, unless he would first consent to my going to England, which he would never do, he said, while he liv'd; on the other hand, I said it was in my power to make him willing when I pleas'd, NAY to make him entreat me to go; and this increas'd his Curiosity, and made him importunate to the highest Degree.
At length he tells all this Story to his Mother, and sets her upon me to get it out of me, and she us'd her utmost Skill indeed; but I put her to a full stop at once, by telling her that the Mystery of the whole Matter lay in herself; that it was my Respect to her had made me conceal it, and that, in short, I could go no farther, and therefore conjur'd her not to insist upon it.
She was struck dumb at this Suggestion, and could not tell what to say or to think; but laying aside the Supposition as a Policy of mine, continued her Importunity on account of her Son, and if possible, to make up the Breach between us two; as to that, I told her, that it was indeed a good Design in her, but that it was impossible to be done; and that if I should reveal to her the Truth of what she desir'd, she would grant it to be impossible, and cease to desire it: At last I seem'd to be prevail'd on by her Importunity, and told her I dare trust her with a Secret of the greatest Importance, and she would soon see that this was so, and that I would consent to lodge it in her Breast, if she would engage solemnly not to acquaint her Son with it without my Consent.
She was long in promising this Part, but rather than not come at the main Secret she agreed to that too, and after a great many other Preliminaries, I began and told her the whole Story: First I told her how much she was concern'd in all the unhappy Breach which had happen'd between her Son and me, by telling me her own Story, and her London Name; and that the Surprize she see I was in, was upon that Occasion: Then I told her my own Story, and my Name, and assur'd her by such other Tokens, as she could not deny, that I was no other, nor more or less than her own Child, her Daughter born of her Body in Newgate; the same that had sav'd her from the Gallows by being in her Belly, and that she left in such and such Hands when she was Transported.
It is impossible to express the Astonishment she was in; she was not inclin'd to believe the Story, or to remember the Particulars; for she immediately foresaw the Confusion that must follow in the Family upon it; but every thing concurr'd so exactly with the Stories she had told me of herself, and which, if she had not told me, she would perhaps have been content to have denied, that she had stop'd her own Mouth, and she had nothing to do but take me about the Neck and kiss me, and cry most vehemently over me, without speaking one word for a long time together; at last she broke out, Unhappy Child! says she, What miserable Chance could bring thee hither? and in the Arms of my Son too! Dreadful girl! says she, why we are all undone! Married to thy own Brother! Three Children, and two alive, all of the same Flesh and Blood! My Son and my Daughter lying together as Husband and Wife! All Confusion and Distraction, miserable Family! What will become of us? What is to be said? What is to be done? And thus she run on a great while, nor had I any Power to speak, or if I had, did I know what to say, for every Word wounded me to the Soul: With this kind of Amazement we parted for the first time, tho' my Mother was more surpriz'd than I was, because it was more News to her than to me: However, she promis'd again, that she would say nothing of it to her Son, till we had talk'd of it again.
It was not long, you may be sure, before we had a second Conference upon the same Subject; when, as if she had been willing to forget the Story she had told me of herself, or to suppose that I had forgot some of the Particulars, she began to tell them with Alterations and Omissions; but I refresh'd her Memory, in many things which I supposed she had forgot, and then came in so opportunely with the whole History, that it was impossible for her to go from it; and then she fell into her Rhapsodies again, and Exclamations at the Severity of her Misfortunes: When these things were a little over with her, we fell into a close Debate about what should be first done before we gave an account of the matter to my Husband. But to what purpose could be all our Consultations? we could neither of us see our way thro it, or how it could be safe to open such a Scene to him; it was impossible to make any judgment, or give any guess at what Temper he would receive it in, or what Measures he would take upon it; and if he should have so little Government of himself, as to make it publick, we easily foresaw that it would be the ruin of the whole Family, and if at last he should take the Advantage the Law would give him, he might put me away with Disdain, and leave me to sue for the little Portion that I had, and perhaps waste it all in the Suit, and then be a Beggar; and thus I should see him perhaps in the Arms of another Wife in a few Months, and be my self the most miserable Creature alive.
My Mother was as sensible of this as I; and upon the whole, we knew not what to do; after some time, we came to more sober Resolutions, but then it was with this Misfortune too, that my Mother's Opinion and mine were quite different from one another, and indeed inconsistent with one another; for my Mother's Opinion was, that I should bury the whole thing entirely, and continue to live with him as my Husband, till some other Event should make the Discovery of it more convenient; and that in the mean time she would endeavour to reconcile us together again, and restore our mutual Comfort and Family Peace; that we might lie as we us'd to do together, and so let the whole matter remain a Secret as close as Death; for Child, says she, we are both undone if it comes out.
To encourage me to this, she promis'd to make me easy in my Circumstances, and to leave me what she could at her Death, secur'd for me separately from my Husband; so that if it should come out afterwards, I should be able to stand on my own Feet, and procure Justice too from him.
This Proposal did not agree with my Judgment, tho' it was very fair and kind in my Mother, but my Thoughts run quite another way.
As to keeping the thing in our own Breasts, and letting it all remain as it was, I told her it was impossible; and I ask'd her how she could think I could bear the Thoughts of lying with my own Brother? In the next place I told her, that her being alive was the only support of the Discovery, and that while she own'd me for her Child, and saw reason to be satisfied that I was so, no body else would doubt it; but that if she should die before the Discovery, I should be taken for an impudent Creature that had forg'd such a thing to go away from my Husband, or should be counted Craz'd and Distracted: Then I told her how he had threaten'd already to put me into a Mad-house, and what Concern I had been in about it, and how that was the thing that drove me to the Necessity of discovering it to her as I had done.
From all which I told her, that I had, on the most serious Reflections I was able to make in the Case, come to this Resolution, which I hop'd she would like, as a Medium between both, viz. That she should use her endeavours with her Son to give me leave to go for England, as I had desired, and to furnish me with a sufficient Sum of Money, either in Goods along with me, or in Bills for my Support there, all along suggesting, that he might one time or other think it proper to come over to me.
That when I was gone she should then in cold Blood, discover the Case to him gradually, and as her own Discretion should guide; so that he might not be surpriz'd with it, and fly out into any Passions and Excesses; and that she should concern herself to prevent his slighting the Children, or marrying again, unless he had a certain account of my being Dead.
This was my Scheme, and my Reasons were good; I was really alienated from him in the Consequence of these Things; indeed I mortally hated him as a Husband, and it was impossible to remove that riveted Aversion I had to him; at the same time, it being an unlawful incestuous Living, added to that Aversion, and every thing added to make Cohabiting with him the most nauseous thing to me in the World; and I think verily it was come to such a height, that I could almost as willingly have embrac'd a Dog, as have let him offer any thing of that kind to me, for which Reason I could not bear the Thoughts of coming between the Sheets with him; I cannot say that I was right in carrying it such a length, while at the same time I did not resolve to discover the thing to him; but I am giving an account of what was, not of what ought or ought not to be.
In this directly opposite Opinion to one another my Mother and I continued a long time, and it was impossible to reconcile our Judgments; many Disputes we had about it, but we could never either of us yield our own, or bring over the other.
I insisted on my Aversion to lying with my own Brother; and she insisted upon its being impossible to bring him to consent to my going to England; and in this uncertainty we continued, not differing so as to quarrel, or any thing like it; but so as not to be able to resolve what we should do to make up that terrible Breach.
At last I resolv'd on a desperate Course, and told my Mother my Resolution, viz. That in short, I wou'd tell him of it my self; my Mother was frighted to the last degree at the very Thoughts of it; but I bid her be easy, told her I would do it gradually and softly, and with all the Art and good Humour I was Mistress of, and time it also as well as I could, taking him in good Humour too: I told her, I did not question but if I cou'd be Hypocrite enough to feign more Affection to him than I really had, I should succeed in all my Design, and we might part by Consent, and with a good Agreement, for I might love him well enough for a Brother tho' I could not for a Husband.
All this while he lay at my Mother to find out, if possible, what was the meaning of that dreadful Expression of mine, as he call'd it, which I mention'd before; namely, That I was not his lawful Wife, nor my Children his legal Children: my Mother put him off, told him she could bring me to no Explanations, but found there was something that disturb'd me very much, and she hop'd she should get it out of me in time, and in the mean time recommended to him earnestly to use me more tenderly, and win me with his usual good Carriage; told him of his terrifying and affrighting me with his Threats of sending me to a Mad-house and the like, and advis'd him not to make a Woman Desperate on any account whatever.
He promis'd her to soften his Behaviour, and bid her assure me that he lov'd me as well as ever, and that he had no such design as that of sending me to a Mad-house, whatever he might say in his Passion; also he desir'd my Mother to use the same Perswasions to me too, and we might live together as we us'd to do.
I found the Effects of this Treaty presently; my Husband's Conduct was immediately alter'd, and he was quite another Man to me; nothing could be kinder and more obliging than he was to me upon all Occasions; and I could do no less than make some return to it, which I did as well as I could, but it was but in an awkward manner at best, for nothing was more frightful to me than his Caresses, and the Apprehensions of being with Child again by him, was ready to throw me into Fits; and this made me see that there was an absolute necessity of breaking the Case to him without any more delay, which however I did with all the Caution and Reserve imaginable.
He had continued his alter'd Carriage to me near a Month, and we began to live a new kind of Life with one another; and could I have satisfied my self to have gone on with it, I believe it might have continued as long as we had continu'd alive together. One Evening as we were sitting and talking together under a little Awning, which serv'd as an Arbour at the Entrance into the Garden, he was in a very pleasant agreeable Humour, and said abundance of kind things to me, relating to the Pleasure of our present good Agreement, and the Disorders of our past Breach, and what a Satisfaction it was to him, that we had room to hope we should never have any more of it.
I fetch'd a deep Sigh, and told him there was no Body in the World could be more delighted than I was, in the good Agreement we had always kept up, or more afflicted with the Breach of it, but I was sorry to tell him that there was an unhappy Circumstance in our Case, which lay too close to my Heart, and which I knew not how to break to him, that rendred my part of it very miserable, and took from me all the Comfort of the rest.
He importun'd me to tell him what it was; I told him I could not tell how to do it, that while it was conceal'd from him, I alone was unhappy, but if he knew it also, we should be both so; and that therefore to keep him in the dark about it was the kindest thing that I could do, and it was on that account alone that I kept a Secret from him, the very keeping of which I thought would first or last be my Destruction.
It is impossible to express his Surprize at this Relation, and the double importunity which he used with me to discover it to him: He told me I could not be call'd kind to him, nay, I could not be faithful to him, if I conceal'd it from him; I told him I thought so too, and yet I could not do it. He went back to what I had said before to him, and told me he hoped it did not relate to what I said in my Passion; and that he had resolv'd to forget all that, as the Effect of a rash provok'd Spirit; I told him I wish'd I could forget it all too, but that it was not to be done, the Impression was too deep, and it was impossible.
He then told me he was resolv'd not to differ with me in any thing, and that therefore he would importune me no more about it, resolving to acquiesce in whatever I did or said; only begg'd I would then agree, that whatever it was, it should no more interrupt our Quiet and our mutual Kindness.
This was the most provoking thing he could have said to me, for I really wanted his farther importunities, that I might be prevail'd with to bring out that which indeed was like Death to me to conceal; so I answer'd him plainly, that I could not say I was glad not to be importuned, tho' I could not tell how to comply; but come, my Dear, said I, what Conditions will you make with me upon the opening this Affair to you?
Any Conditions in the World, said he, that you can in reason desire of me; well, said I, come, give it me under your Hand, that if you do not find I am in any Fault, or that I am willingly concern'd in the Causes of the Misfortunes that is to follow, you will not blame me, use me the worse, do me any Injury, or make me be the Sufferer for that which is not my fault.
That, says he, is the most reasonable Demand in the World; not to blame you for that which is not your fault; give me a Pen and Ink, says he, so I ran in and fetch'd Pen, Ink, and Paper, and he wrote the Condition down in the very Words I had proposed it, and sign'd it with his Name; well, says he, what is next, my Dear? Why, says I, the next is, that you will not blame me for not discovering the Secret to you before I knew it. Very just again, says he, with all my Heart; so he wrote down that also and sign'd it.
Well, my Dear, says I, then I have but one Condition more to make with you, and that is, that as there is no body concern'd in it but you and I, you shall not discover it to any Person in the World, except your own Mother; and that in all the Measures you shall take upon the Discovery, as I am equally concern'd in it with you, tho' as Innocent as your self, you shall do nothing in a Passion, nothing to my Prejudice, or to your Mother's Prejudice, without my Knowledge and Consent.
This a little amaz'd him, and he wrote down the Words distinctly, but read them over and over before he sign'd them, hesitating at them several times, and repeating them; my Mother's Prejudice! and your Prejudice! What mysterious thing can this be? however, at last he sign'd it.
Well, says I, my Dear, I'll ask you no more under your Hand, but as you are to hear the most unexpected and surprizing thing that perhaps ever befel any Family in the World, I beg you to promise me you will receive it with Composure and a Presence of Mind suitable to a Man of Sense.
I'll do my utmost, says he, upon Condition you will keep me no longer in suspence, for you terrify me with all these Preliminaries.
Well then, says I, it is this, as I told you before in a Heat, that I was not your lawful Wife, and that our Children were not legal Children, so I must let you know now in calmness, and in kindness, but with Affliction enough, that I am your own Sister, and you my own Brother, and that we are both the Children of our Mother now alive, and in the House, who is convinc'd of the Truth of it, in a manner not to be denied or contradicted.
I saw him turn pale, and look wild, and I said, now remember your Promise, and receive it with Presence of Mind; for who cou'd have said more to prepare you for it, than I have done? However, I call'd a Servant, and got him a little Glass of Rum, which is the usual Dram of the Country, for he was fainting away.
When he was a little recover'd, I said to him, this Story you may be sure requires a long Explanation, and therefore have Patience and compose your Mind to hear it out, and I'll make it as short as I can, and with this, I told him what I thought was needful of the Fact, and particularly how my Mother came to discover it to me, as above; and now, my Dear, says I, you will see Reason for my Capitulations, and that I neither have been the Cause of this Matter, nor could be so, and that I could know nothing of it before now.
I am fully satisfied of that, says he, but 'tis a dreadful Surprize to me; however, I know a Remedy for it all, and a Remedy that shall put an End to all your Difficulties, without your going to England. That would be strange, said I, as all the rest; No, no, says he, I'll make it easy, there's no Body in the way of it all, but my self: He look'd a little disorder'd, when he said this, but I did not apprehend any thing from it at that time, believing, as it us'd to be said, that they who do those things never talk of them; or that they who talk of such things never do them.
But things were not come to their height with him, and I observ'd he became Pensive and Melancholly; and in a Word, as I thought a little Distemper'd in his Head: I endeavour'd to talk him into Temper, and into a kind of Scheme for our Government in the Affair, and sometimes he would be well, and talk with some Courage about it; but the Weight of it lay too heavy upon his Thoughts, and went so far that he made two Attempts upon himself, and in one of them had actually strangled himself, and had not his Mother come into the Room in the very Moment, he had died; but with the help of a Negro Servant, she cut him down and recover'd him.
Things were now come to a lamentable height: My pity for him now began to revive that Affection, which at first I really had for him, and I endeavour'd sincerely, by all the kind Carriage I could, to make up the Breach; but in short, it had gotten too great a Head, it prey'd upon his Spirits, and it threw him into a ling'ring Consumption, tho' it happen'd not to be Mortal. In this Distress I did not know what to do, as his Life was apparently declining, and I might perhaps have Marry'd again there, very much to my Advantage, had it been my Business to have staid in the Country; but my Mind was restless too, I hanker'd after coming to England, and nothing would satisfy me without it.
In short, by an unwearied importunity, my Husband, who was apparently decaying, as I observ'd, was at last prevail'd with, and so my Fate pushing me on, the way was made clear for me, and my Mother concurring, I obtain'd a very good Cargo for my coming to England.
When I parted with my Brother, for such I am now to call him; we agreed that after I arriv'd, he should pretend to have an Account that I was dead in England, and so might Marry again when he wou'd; he promis'd, and engag'd to me, to Correspond with me as a Sister, and to Assist and Support me as long as I liv'd; and that if he dy'd before me, he would leave sufficient to his Mother to take Care of me still, in the Name of a Sister, and he was in some respects just to this; but it was so oddly manag'd that I felt the Disappointments very sensibly afterwards, as you shall hear in its time.
I came away in the Month of August, after I had been Eight Years in that Country, and now a new Scene of Misfortunes attended me, which perhaps few Women have gone thro' the like.
We had an indifferent good Voyage, till we came just upon the Coast of England, and where we arriv'd in two and thirty Days, but were then ruffled with two or three Storms, one of which drove us away to the Coast of Ireland, and we put in at Kinsale: We remain'd there about thirteen Days, got some Refreshment on Shore, and put to Sea again, tho' we met with very bad Weather again, in which the Ship sprung her Main-mast, as they call'd it: But we got at last into Milford Haven in Wales, where, tho' it was remote from our Port, yet having my Foot safe upon the firm Ground of the Isle of Britain, I resolv'd to venture it no more upon the Waters, which had been so terrible to me; so getting my Cloaths and Money on Shore, with my Bills of Loading and other Papers, I resolv'd to come for London, and leave the Ship to get to her Port as she could; the Port whither she was bound, was to Bristol, where my Brother's chief Correspondent liv'd.
I got to London in about three Weeks, where I heard a little while after, that the Ship was arriv'd at Bristol, but at the same time had the Misfortune to know that by the violent Weather she had been in, and the breaking of her Main-mast, she had great Damage on Board, and that a great part of her Cargoe was spoil'd.
I had now a new Scene of Life upon my Hands, and a dreadful Appearance it had; I was come away with a kind of final Farewel; what I brought with me, was indeed considerable, had it come safe, and by the help of it, I might have married again tollerably well; but as it was, I was reduc'd to between two or three hundred Pounds in the whole, and this without any hope of Recruit. I was entirely without Friends, nay, even so much as without Acquaintances, for I found it was absolutely necessary not to revive former Acquaintance; and as for my subtle Friend that set me up formerly for a Fortune, she was dead and her Husband also.
The looking after my Cargoe of Goods soon after obliged me to take a Journey to Bristol, and during my Attendance upon that Affair, I took the Diversion of going to the Bath, for as I was still far from being old, so my Humour, which was always Gay, continu'd so to an Extream; and being now, as it were, a Woman of Fortune, tho' I was a Woman without a Fortune, I expected something or other might happen in the way, that might mend my Circumstances, as had been my Case before.
The Bath is a Place of Gallantry enough; Expensive, and full of Snares; I went thither indeed in the View of taking what might offer; but I must do my self Justice, as to protest I meant nothing but in an honest way, nor had any Thoughts about me at first that look'd the way, which afterwards I suffered them to be guided.
Here I stay'd the whole latter Season, as it is call'd there, and contracted some unhappy Acquaintance, which rather prompted the Follies I fell afterwards into, than fortify'd me against them: I liv'd pleasantly enough, kept good Company, that is to say, gay fine Company; but had the Discouragement to find this way of Living sunk me exceedingly, and that as I had no settled Income, so spending upon the main Stock, was but a certain kind of bleeding to Death; and this gave me many sad Reflections: However I shook them off, and still flatter'd my self that something or other might offer for my Advantage.
But I was in the wrong Place for it; I was not now at Redriff, where if I had set my self tollerably up, some honest Sea Captain or other might have talk'd with me upon the honourable Terms of Matrimony; but I was at the Bath, where Men find a Mistress sometimes, but very rarely look for a Wife; and Consequently all the Particular Acquaintances a Woman can expect there, must have some Tendency that way.
I had spent the first Season well enough, for tho' I had contracted some Acquaintance with a Gentleman, who came to the Bath for his Diversion, yet I had enter'd into no felonious Treaty: I had resisted some Casual Offers of Gallantry, and had manag'd that way well enough; I was not wicked enough to come into the Crime for the meer Vice of it, and I had no extraordinary Offers that tempted me with the main thing which I wanted.
However, I went this length the first Season, (viz.) I contracted an Acquaintance with a Woman in whose House I lodg'd, who, tho' she did not keep an ill House, yet had none of the best Principles in her self: I had on all Occasions behav'd my self so well as not to get the least Slur upon my Reputation, and all the Men that I had convers'd with, were of so good Reputation that I had not gotten the least Reflection, by conversing with them; nor did any of them seem to think there was room for a wicked Correspondence, if they had offered it; yet there was one Gentleman, as above, who always singled me out for the Diversion of my Company, as he call'd it, which, as he was pleased to say, was very agreeable to him, but at that time there was no more in it.
I had many Melancholly Hours at the Bath after all the Company was gone, for tho' I went to Bristol sometimes for the disposing my Effects, and for Recruits of Money, yet I chose to come back to the Bath for my Residence, because being on good Terms with the Woman, in whose House I lodg'd in the Summer, I found that during the Winter I liv'd rather cheaper there than I could do any where else; here, I say, I pass'd the Winter as heavily as I had pass'd the Autumn chearfully; but having contracted a nearer Intimacy with the said Woman, in whose House I lodg'd, I could not avoid communicating something of what lay hardest upon my Mind, and particularly the narrowness of my Circumstances: I told her also, that I had a Mother and a Brother in Virginia in good Circumstances, and as I had really written back to my Mother in particular to represent my Condition, and the great Loss I had receiv'd, so I did not fail to let my new Friend know, that I expected a Supply from thence, and so indeed I did; and as the Ships went from Bristol to York-River, in Virginia, and back again generally in less time than from London, and that my Brother corresponded chiefly at Bristol, I thought it was much better for me to wait here for my Returns, than to go to London.
My new Friend appear'd sensibly affected with my Condition, and indeed was so very kind, as to reduce the rate of my living with her to so low a Price during the Winter, that she convinc'd me she got nothing by me; and as for Lodging, during the Winter, I paid nothing at all.
When the Spring Season came on, she continu'd to be as kind to me as she could, and I lodg'd with her for a time, till it was found necessary to do otherwise; she had some Persons of Character that frequently lodg'd in her House, and in particular the Gentleman, who, as I said, singled me out for his Companion in the Winter before; and he came down again with another Gentleman in his Company and two Servants, and lodg'd in the same House: I suspected that my Landlady had invited him thither, letting him know that I was still with her, but she deny'd it.
In a Word, this Gentleman came down and continu'd to single me out for his peculiar Confidence; he was a compleat Gentleman, that must be confess'd, and his Company was agreeable to me, as mine, if I might believe him, was to him; he made no Professions to me, but of an extraordinary Respect, and he had such an Opinion of my Virtue, that, as he often profess'd, he believ'd, if he should offer any thing else, I should reject him with Contempt; he soon understood from me that I was a Widow, that I had arriv'd at Bristol from Virginia by the last Ships; and that I waited at the Bath till the next Virginia Fleet should arrive, by which I expected considerable Effects; I understood by him, that he had a Wife, but that the Lady was distemper'd in her Head, and was under the Conduct of her own Relations, which he consented to, to avoid any Reflection that might be cast upon him for mismanaging her Cure; and in the mean time he came to the Bath to divert his Thoughts under such a melancholly Circumstance.
My Landlady, who of her own accord encourag'd the Correspondence on all Occasions, gave me an advantageous Character of him, as a Man of Honour and of Virtue, as well as of a great Estate; and indeed I had Reason to say so of him too, for tho' we lodg'd both on a Floor, and he had frequently come into my Chamber, even when I was in Bed, and I also into his, yet he never offered any thing to me farther than a Kiss, or so much as sollicited me to any thing till long after, as you shall hear.
I frequently took Notice to my Landlady of his exceeding Modesty, and she again used to tell me, she believ'd it was so from the Beginning; however she used to tell me that she thought I ought to expect some Gratifications from him for my Company, for indeed he did as it were engross me. I told her, I had not given him the least Occasion to think I wanted it, or that I would accept of it from him; She told me, she would take that part upon her, and she manag'd it so dextrously, that the first time we were together alone, after she had talk'd with him, he began to enquire a little into my Circumstances, as how I had subsisted my self since I came on shore, and whether I did not want Money? I stood off very boldly, I told him that tho' my Cargoe of Tobacco was damag'd, yet that it was not quite lost: that the Merchant that I had been consigned to, had so honestly managed for me that I had not wanted, and that I hop'd, with frugal Management, I should make it hold out till more would come, which I expected by the next Fleet; that in the mean time I had retrench'd my Expences, and whereas I kept a Maid last Season, now I liv'd without; and whereas I had a Chamber and a Dining Room then on the first Floor, I now had but one Room two Pair of Stairs, and the like; but I live, said I, as well satisfy'd now as then; adding, that his Company had made me live much more chearfully than otherwise I should have done, for which I was much oblig'd to him; and so I put off all room for any Offer at the present: It was not long before he attack'd me again, and told me he found that I was backward to trust him with the Secret of my Circumstances, which he was sorry for; assuring me that he enquir'd into it with no design to satisfy his own Curiosity, but meerly to assist me if there was any Occasion; but since I would not own my self to stand in need of any Assistance, he had but one thing more to desire of me, and that was, that I would promise him that when I was any way streighten'd, I would frankly tell him of it, and that I would make use of him with the same Freedom that he made the Offer; adding, that I should always find I had a true Friend, tho' perhaps I was afraid to trust him.
I omitted nothing that was fit to be said by one infinitely oblig'd, to let him know, that I had a due Sense of his Kindness; and indeed from that time, I did not appear so much reserv'd to him as I had done before, tho' still within the Bounds of the strictest Virtue on both sides; but how free soever our Conversation was, I could not arrive to that Freedom which he desir'd, viz. to tell him I wanted Money, tho' I was secretly very glad of his Offer.
Some Weeks pass'd after this, and still I never ask'd him for Money; when my Landlady, a cunning Creature, who had often press'd me to it, but found that I could not do it, makes a Story of her own inventing, and comes in bluntly to me when we were together, O! Widow, says she, I have bad News to tell you this Morning: What is that, said I, is the Virginia Ships taken by the French? for that was my Fear. No, no, says she, but the Man you sent to Bristol Yesterday for Money is come back, and says he has brought none.
I could by no Means like her Project; I thought it look'd too much like prompting him, which he did not want, and I saw that I should lose nothing by being backward, so took her up short; I can't imagine why he should say so, said I, for I assure you he brought me all the Money I sent him for, and here it is, said I (pulling out my Purse with about 12 Guineas in it) and added, I intend you shall have most of it by and by.
He seem'd distasted a little at her talking as she did, as well as I, taking it as I fancy'd he would, as something forward of her; but when he saw me give such an Answer, he came immediately to himself: The next Morning we talk'd of it again, when I found he was fully satisfied; and smiling said, he hop'd I would not want Money, and not tell him of it, and that I had promis'd him otherwise: I told him I had been very much dissatisfied at my Landlady's talking so publickly the Day before of what she had nothing to do with; but I suppos'd she wanted what I ow'd her, which was about Eight Guineas, which I had resolv'd to give her, and had given it her the same Night.
He was in a mighty good Humour, when he heard me say, I had paid her, and it went off into some other Discourse at that time; but the next Morning he having heard me up before him, he call'd to me, and I answer'd; he ask'd me to come into his Chamber; he was in Bed when I came in, and he made me come and sit down on his Bed side, for he said he had something to say to me. After some very kind Expressions, he ask'd me, if I would be very honest to him, and give a sincere Answer to one thing he would desire of me: After some little Cavil with him at the word Sincere, and asking him if I had ever given him any Answers which were not Sincere, I promis'd him I would; why then his Request was, he said, to let him see my Purse; I immediately put my Hand into my Pocket, and laughing at him, pull'd it out, and there was in it three Guineas and a Half; then he ask'd me, if there was all the Money I had? I told him no, laughing again, not by a great deal.
Well then, he said, he would have me promise to go and fetch him all the Money I had, every Farthing: I told him I would, and I went into my Chamber, and fetch'd him a little private Drawer, where I had about six Guineas more, and some Silver, and threw it all down upon the Bed, and told him there was all my Wealth, honestly to a Shilling: He look'd a little at it, but did not tell it, and huddled it all into the Drawer again, and then reaching his Pocket, pull'd out a Key, and bad me open a little Walnut-tree Box he had upon the Table, and bring him such a Drawer, which I did: in this Drawer, there was a great deal of Money in Gold, I believe near 200 Guineas, but I knew not how much: He took the Drawer, and taking me by the Hand, made me put it in, and take a whole Handful; I was backward at that, but he held my Hand hard in his Hand, and put it into the Drawer, and made me take out as many Guineas almost as I could well take up at once.
When I had done so, he made me put them into my Lap, and took my little Drawer, and pour'd out all my own Money among his, and bad me get me gone, and carry it all into my own Chamber.
I relate this Story the more particularly, because of the good Humour of it, and to show the Temper with which we convers'd: It was not long after this, but he began every Day to find Fault with my Cloaths, with my Laces, and Head-dresses; and in a Word, press'd me to buy better, which by the way I was willing enough to do, tho' I did not seem to be so; I lov'd nothing in the World better than fine Cloaths, but I told him I must Housewife the Money he had lent me, or else I should not be able to pay him again. He then told me in a few Words, that as he had a sincere Respect for me, and knew my Circumstances, he had not lent me that Money, but given it me, and that he thought I had merited it from him, by giving him my Company so intirely as I had done: After this, he made me take a Maid, and keep House, and his Friend being gone, he obliged me to dyet him, which I did very willingly, believing, as it appear'd, that I should lose nothing by it, nor did the Woman of the House fail to find her Account in it too.
We had liv'd thus near three Months, when the Company beginning to wear away at the Bath, he talk'd of going away, and fain he would have me to go to London with him: I was not very easy in that Proposal, not knowing what Posture I was to live in there, or how he might use me: But while this was in Debate, he fell very Sick; he had gone out to a Place in Somersetshire, call'd Shepton, and was there taken very ill, and so ill that he could not Travel, so he sent his Man back to the Bath, to beg me that I would hire a Coach and come over to him: Before he went, he had left his Money and other things of Value with me, and what to do with them I did not know, but I secur'd them as well as I could, and lock'd up the Lodgings and went to him, where I found him very ill indeed, so I perswaded him to be carry'd in a Litter to Bath, where was more Help and better Advice to be had.
He consented, and I brought him to the Bath, which was about fifteen Miles, as I remember: here he continued very ill of a Fever, and kept his Bed five Weeks, all which time I nurs'd him and tended him as carefully as if I had been his Wife; indeed if I had been his Wife I could not have done more; I sat up with him so much and so often, that at last, indeed he would not let me sit up any longer, and then I got a Pallet Bed into his Room, and lay in it just at his Bed's Feet.
I was indeed sensibly affected with his Condition, and with the Apprehensions of losing such a Friend as he was, and was like to be to me, and I us'd to sit and cry by him many Hours together: At last he grew better, and gave hopes that he would recover, as indeed he did, tho' very slowly.
Were it otherwise than what I am going to say, I should not be backward to disclose it, as it is apparent I have done in other Cases; but I affirm, through all this Conversation, abating the coming into the Chamber when I or he was in Bed, and the necessary Offices of attending him Night and Day, when he was Sick, there had not pass'd the least immodest Word or Action between us. O! that it had been so to the last.
After some time he gathered Strength and grew well apace, and I would have remov'd my Pallet Bed, but he would not let me, till he was able to venture himself without any Body to sit up with him, when I remov'd to my own Chamber.
He took many Occasions to express his Sense of my Tenderness for him; and when he grew well he made me a Present of fifty Guineas for my Care, and, as he call'd it, hazarding my Life to save his.
And now he made deep Protestations of a sincere inviolable Affection for me, but with the utmost reserve for my Virtue, and his own: I told him I was fully satisfy'd of it; he carried it that length that he protested to me, that if he was naked in Bed with me, he would as sacredly preserve my Virtue, as he would defend it, if I was assaulted by a Ravisher; I believ'd him, and told him I did so; but this did not satisfy him, he would, he said, wait for some Opportunity to give me an undoubted Testimony of it.
It was a great while after this that I had Occasion, on my Business, to go to Bristol, upon which he hir'd me a Coach, and would go with me; and now indeed our Intimacy increas'd: From Bristol he carry'd me to Gloucester, which was meerly a Journey of Pleasure to take the Air; and here it was our hap to have no Lodgings in the Inn, but in one large Chamber with two Beds in it: The Master of the House going with us to show his Rooms, and coming into that Room, said very frankly to him, Sir, It is none of my Business to enquire whether the Lady be your Spouse or no, but if not, you may lye as honestly in these two Beds, as if you were in two Chambers, and with that he pulls a great Curtain which drew quite cross the Room, and effectually divided the Beds; well, says my Friend, very readily, these Beds will do, and as for the rest, we are too near a Kin to lye together, tho' we may lodge near one another; and this put an honest Face on the thing too. When we came to go to Bed, he decently went out of the Room till I was in Bed, and then went to Bed in the other Bed, but lay there talking to me a great while.
At last, repeating his usual saying, that he could lye naked in the Bed with me, and not offer me the least Injury, he starts out of his Bed, and now my Dear, says he, you shall see how just I will be to you, and that I can keep my Word, and away he comes to my Bed.
I resisted a little, but I must confess I should not have resisted him much, if he had not made those Promises at all; so after a little struggle, I lay still and let him come to Bed; when he was there he took me in his Arms, and so I lay all Night with him, but he had no more to do with me, or offer'd anything to me, other than embracing me, as I say, in his Arms, no not the whole Night, but rose up and dress'd him in the Morning, and left me as innocent for him as I was the Day I was born.
This was a surprising thing to me, and perhaps may be so to others, who know how the Laws of Nature Work; for he was a vigorous brisk Person; nor did he act thus on a Principle of Religion at all, but of meer Affection; insisting on it, that tho' I was to him the most agreeable Woman in the World, yet because he lov'd me he could not injure me.
I own it was a noble Principle, but as it was what I never saw before, so it was perfectly amazing. We travell'd the rest of the Journey as we did before, and came back to the Bath, where, as he had Opportunity to come to me when he would, he often repeated the same Moderation, and I frequently lay with him, and altho' all the Familiarities of Man and Wife were common to us, yet he never once offered to go any farther, and he valu'd himself much upon it; I do not say, that I was so wholly pleas'd with it as he thought I was; for I own I was much wickeder than he.
We liv'd thus near Two Years, only with this Exception, that he went three times to London in that time, and once he continu'd there four Months, but to do him Justice, he always supply'd me with Money to subsist on very Handsomely.
Had we continu'd thus, I confess we had had much to boast of; but as wise Men say, it is ill venturing too near the brink of a Command, so we found it; and here again I must do him the Justice to own that the first Breach was not on his Part: It was one Night that we were in Bed together warm and merry, and having drank, I think, a little more both of us, than usual, tho' not in the least to disorder us, when after some other Follies which I cannot Name, and being clasp'd close in his Arms, I told him, (I repeat it with shame and horror of soul) that I could find in my Heart to discharge him of his Engagement for one Night and no more.
He took me at my Word immediately, and after that, there was no resisting him; neither indeed had I any mind to resist him any more.
Thus the Government of our Virtue was broken, and I exchang'd the Place of Friend, for that unmusical harsh sounding Title of Whore. In the Morning we were both at our Penitentials, I cried very heartily, he express'd himself very sorry; but that was all either of us could do at that time, and the way being thus clear'd, and the Bars of Virtue and Conscience thus remov'd, we had the less to struggle with.
It was but a dull kind of Conversation that we had together for all the rest of that Week, I look'd on him with Blushes; and every now and then started that melancholly Objection, What if I should be with Child now? What will become of me then? He encouraged me by telling me, that as long as I was true to him, he would be so to me; and since it was gone such a length (which indeed he never intended), yet if I was with Child, he would take care of that and me too: This harden'd us both; I assured him if I was with Child, I would die for want of a Midwife rather than name him as the Father of it; and he assured me, I should never want if I should be with Child: These mutual Assurances harden'd us in the thing, and after this we repeated the Crime as often as we pleased, till at length, as I fear'd, so it came to pass, and I was indeed with Child.
After I was sure it was so, and I had satisfied him of it too, we began to think of taking Measures for the managing it, and I propos'd trusting the Secret to my Landlady, and asking her Advice, which he agreed to: My Landlady, a Woman (as I found) us'd to such things, made light of it; she said, she knew it would come to that at last, and made us very merry about it: As I said above, we found her an experienced old Lady at such Work; she undertook everything, engag'd to procure a Midwife and a Nurse, to satisfy all Enquiries, and bring us off with Reputation, and she did so very dexterously indeed.
When I grew near my time, she desir'd my Gentleman to go away to London, or make as if he did so; when he was gone, she acquainted the Parish Officers that there was a Lady ready to lye in at her House, but that she knew her Husband very well, and gave them, as she pretended, an account of his Name, which she call'd Sir Walter Cleave; telling them, he was a worthy Gentleman, and that he would answer for all Enquiries, and the like: This satisfied the Parish Officers presently, and I lay Inn in as much Credit as I could have done if I had really been my Lady Cleave; and was assisted in my Travail by three or four of the best Citizens Wives of Bath, which however made me a little the more Expensive to him; I often expressed my concern to him about that part, but he bid me not be concerned at it.
As he had furnish'd me very sufficiently with Money for the extraordinary Expences of my lying Inn, I had every thing very handsome about me; but did not affect to be so Gay or Extravagant neither; besides, knowing the World, as I had done, and that such kind of things do not often last long, I took care to lay up as much Money as I could for a wet Day, as I call'd it; making him believe it was all spent upon the extraordinary Appearance of things in my lying Inn.
By this Means, with what he had given me as above, I had at the end of my lying Inn 200 Guineas by me, including also what was left of my own.
I was brought to Bed of a fine Boy indeed, and a charming Child it was; and when he heard of it, he wrote me a very kind obliging Letter about it, and then told me, he thought it would look better for me to come away for London as soon as I was up and well, that he had provided Apartments for me at Hamersmith, as if I came only from London, and that after a while I should go back to the Bath, and he would go with me.
I lik'd his Offer very well, and hir'd a Coach on purpose, and taking my Child, and a Wet-Nurse to tend and suckle it, and a Maid Servant with me, away I went for London.
He met me at Reading in his own Charriot, and taking me into that, left the Servant and the Child in the hir'd Coach, and so he brought me to my new Lodgings at, Hamersmith; with which I had abundance of Reason to be very well pleas'd, for they were very handsome Rooms.
And now I was indeed in the height of what I might call Prosperity, and I wanted nothing but to be a Wife, which however could not be in this Case, and therefore on all Occasions I studied to save what I could, as I said above, against the time of Scarcity; knowing well enough that such things as these do not always continue, that Men that keep Mistresses often change them, grow weary of them, or Jealous of them, or something or other; and sometimes the Ladies that are thus well us'd, are not careful by a prudent Conduct to preserve the Esteem of their Persons, or the nice Article of their Fidelity, and then they are justly cast off with Contempt.
But I was secur'd in this Point, for as I had no Inclination to change, so I had no manner of Acquaintance, so no Temptation to look any farther; I kept no Company but in the Family where I lodg'd, and with a Clergyman's Lady at next Door; so that when he was absent I visited no Body, nor did he ever find me out of my Chamber or Parlour whenever he came down; if I went any where to take the Air it was always with him.
The living in this manner with him, and his with me, was certainly the most undesigned thing in the World; he often protested to me that when he became first acquainted with me, and even to the very Night when we first broke in upon our Rules, he never had the least Design of lying with me; that he always had a sincere Affection for me, but not the least real Inclination to do what he had done; I assured him I never suspected him, that if I had, I should not so easily have yielded to the Freedoms which brought it on, but [that it] was all a Surprize, and was owing to our having yielded too far to our mutual Inclinations that Night; and indeed I have often observ'd since, and leave it as a Caution to the Readers of this Story, that we ought to be cautious of gratifying our Inclinations in loose and lew'd Freedoms, lest we find our Resolutions of Virtue fail us in the Juncture when their Assistance should be most necessary.
It is true that from the first Hour I began to converse with him, I resolv'd to let him lye with me, if he offered it; but it was because I wanted his Help, and knew of no other way of securing him: But when we were that Night together, and, as I have said, had gone such a length, I found my Weakness, the Inclination was not to be resisted, but I was obliged to yield up all even before he ask'd it.
However, he was so just to me that he never upbraided me with that; nor did he ever express the least dislike of my Conduct on any other Occasion, but always protested he was as much delighted with my Company as he was the first Hour we came together.
It is true that he had no Wife, that is to say, she was no Wife to him, but the Reflections of Conscience oftentimes snatch a Man, especially a Man of Sense, from the Arms of a Mistress, as it did him at last, tho' on another Occasion.
On the other hand, tho' I was not without secret Reproaches of my own Conscience for the Life I led, and that even in the greatest height of the Satisfaction I ever took, yet I had the terrible prospect of Poverty and Starving, which lay on me as a frightful Spectre, so that there was no looking behind me: But as Poverty brought me into it, so fear of Poverty kept me in it, and I frequently resolv'd to leave it quite off, if I could but come to lay up Money enough to maintain me; But these were Thoughts of no weight, and whenever he came to me they vanish'd; for his Company was so Delightful, that there was no being Melancholly when he was there, the Reflections were all the Subject of those Hours when I was alone.
I liv'd six Years in this happy, but unhappy Condition, in which time I brought him three Children, but only the first of them liv'd; and tho' I remov'd twice in that Six Years, yet I came back the Sixth Year to my first Lodgings at Hamersmith: Here it was that I was one Morning surpris'd with a kind but melancholly Letter from my Gentleman; intimating, that he was very ill, and was afraid he should have another Fit of Sickness, but that his Wife's Relations being in the House with him, it would not be practicable to have me with him, which however he express'd his great Dissatisfaction in, and that he wish'd I could be allow'd to tend and Nurse him as I did before.
I was very much concern'd at this Account, and was very impatient to know how it was with him; I waited a Fortnight or thereabouts, and heard nothing, which surpriz'd me, and I began to be very uneasy indeed; I think, I may say, that for the next Fortnight I was near to distracted: It was my particular Difficulty, that I did not know directly where he was; for I understood at first he was in the Lodgings of his Wife's Mother; but having remov'd my self to London, I soon found, by the help of the Direction I had for writing my Letters to him, how to enquire after him, and there I found that he was at a House in Bloomsbury, whither he had remov'd his whole Family; and that his Wife, and Wife's Mother, were in the same House, tho' the Wife was not suffer'd to know that she was in the same House with her Husband.
Here I also soon understood that he was at the last Extremity, which made me almost at the last Extremity too, to have a true Account: One Night I had the Curiosity to disguise my self like a Servant Maid in a round Cap and Straw Hat, and went to the Door, as sent by a Lady of his Neighbourhood, where he liv'd before, and giving Master and Mistress's Service, I said I was sent to know how Mr. –––– did, and how he had rested that Night; in delivering this Message I got the Opportunity I desir'd, for speaking with one of the Maids, I held a long Gossips Tale with her, and had all the Particulars of his Illness, which I found was a Pluresy, attended with a Cough and Fever; she told me also who was in the House, and how his Wife was, who, by her Relation, they were in some hopes might recover her Understanding; but as to the Gentleman himself, the Doctors said there was very little hopes of him, that in the Morning they thought he had been dying, and that he was but little better then, for they did not expect that he could live over the next Night.
This was heavy News for me, and I began now to see an end of my Prosperity, and to see that it was well I had plaid the good Housewife, and sav'd something while he was alive, for now I had no view of my own Living before me.
It lay very heavy upon my Mind too, that I had a Son, a fine lovely Boy, about five Years old, and no Provision made for it, at least that I knew of; with these Considerations, and a sad Heart, I went home that Evening, and began to cast with my self how I should live, and in what manner to bestow my self, for the residue of my Life.
You may be sure I could not rest without enquiring again very quickly what was become of him; and not venturing to go my self, I sent several sham Messengers, till after a Fortnights waiting longer, I found that there was hopes of his Life, tho' he was still very ill; then I abated my sending to the House, and in some time after I learnt in the Neighbourhood that he was about House, and then that he was Abroad again.
I made no doubt then but that I should soon hear of him, and began to comfort my self with my Circumstances, being, as I thought, recovered; I waited a Week, and two Weeks, and with much surprize near two Months and heard nothing, but that being recovered he was gone into the Country for the Air, after his Distemper; after this it was yet two Months more, and then I understood he was come to his City-House again, but still I heard nothing from him.
I had written several Letters for him, and directed them as usual, and found two or three of them had been call'd for, but not the rest: I wrote again in a more pressing manner than ever, and in one of them let him know, that I must be forc'd to wait on him my self, representing my Circumstances, the Rent of Lodgings to pay, and the Provision for the Child wanting, and my own deplorable Condition, destitute of Subsistance after his most solemn Engagement, to take Care of, and provide for me; I took a Copy of this Letter, and finding it lay at the House, near a Month, and was not call'd for, I found Means to have the Copy of it put into his Hands at a Coffee-House, where I found he had us'd to go.
This Letter forc'd an Answer from him, by which, tho' I found I was to be abandon'd, yet I found he had sent a Letter to me some time before, desiring me to go down to the Bath again; its Contents I shall come to presently.
It is true that Sick Beds are the times, when such Correspondences as this are look'd on with different Countenances, and seen with other Eyes, than we saw them with before: My Lover had been at the Gates of Death, and at the very brink of Eternity; and it seems struck with a due Remorse, and with sad Reflections upon his past Life of Gallantry and Levity; and among the rest, his criminal Correspondence with me, which was indeed neither more or less than a long continu'd Life of Adultery, had represented itself as it really was, not as it had been formerly thought by him to be, and he look'd upon it now with a just Abhorence.
I cannot but observe also, and leave it for the Direction of my Sex in such Cases of Pleasure, that whenever sincere Repentance succeeds such a Crime as this, there never fails to attend a Hatred of the Object; and the more the Affection might seem to be before, the Hatred will be more in Proportion: It will always be so, indeed it cannot be otherwise; for there cannot be a true and sincere Abhorence of the Offence, and the Love to the Cause of it remain; there will with an Abhorence of the Sin be found a Detestation of the fellow Sinner; you can expect no other.
I found it so here, tho' good Manners, and Justice in this Gentleman, kept him from carrying it on to any Extream; but the short History of his Part in this Affair was thus; he perceived by my last Letter, and by the rest, which he went for after, that I was not gone to the Bath, and that his first Letter had not come to my Hand, upon which he writes me this following:
Madam,
I am surpris'd that my Letter dated the 8th of last Month, did not come to your Hand; I give you my Word it was deliver'd at your Lodgings, and to the Hands of your Maid.
I need not acquaint you with what has been my Condition for some time past; and how having been at the Edge of the Grave, I am by the unexpected and undeserved Mercy of Heaven restor'd again: In the Condition I have been in, it cannot be strange to you that our unhappy Correspondence has not been the least of the Burthens which lay upon my Conscience; I need say no more, those things that must be repented of, must be also reform'd.
I wish you would think of going back to the Bath; I enclose you here a Bill for 50l. for clearing your self at your Lodgings, and carrying you down, and hope it will be no Surprize to you to add, that on this Account only, and not for any Offence given me on your side, I can SEE YOU NO MORE; I will take due care of the Child, leave him where he is, or take him with you, as you please; I wish you the like Reflections, and that they may be to your Advantage; I am, &c.
I was struck with this Letter, as with a thousand Wounds, the Reproaches of my own Conscience were such as I cannot express, for I was not blind to my own Crime; and I reflected that I might with less Offence have continued with my Brother, since there was no Crime in our Marriage on that Score, neither of us knowing it.
But I never once reflected that I was all this while a marry'd Woman, a Wife to Mr. –––– the Linnen-Draper, who tho' he had left me by the Necessity of his Circumstances, had no Power to discharge me from the Marriage Contract which was between us, or to give me a legal liberty to marry again; so that I had been no less than a Whore and an Adulteress all this while: I then reproach'd my self with the Liberties I had taken, and how I had been a Snare to this Gentleman, and that indeed I was principal in the Crime; that now he was mercifully snatch'd out of the Gulph by a convincing Work upon his Mind, but that I was left as if I was abandon'd by Heaven to a continuing in my Wickedness.
Under these Reflections I continu'd very pensive and sad for near a Month, and did not go down to the Bath, having no Inclination to be with the Woman who I was with before, least, as I thought, she should prompt me to some wicked Course of Life again, as she had done; and besides, I was loth she should know I was cast off as above.
And now I was greatly perplex'd about my little Boy; it was Death to me to part with the Child, and yet when I consider'd the Danger of being one time or other left with him to keep without being able to support him, I then resolv'd to leave him; but then I concluded to be near him my self too, that I might have the Satisfaction of seeing him, without the Care of providing for him. So I sent my Gentleman a short Letter that I had obey'd his Orders in all things, but that of going back to the Bath, that however parting from him was a Wound to me that I could never recover, yet that I was fully satisfied his Reflections were just, and would be very far from desiring to obstruct his Reformation.
Then I represented my own Circumstances to him in the most moving Terms: I told him that those unhappy Distresses which first mov'd him to a generous Friendship for me, would, I hope, move him to a little Concern for me now; tho' the Criminal part of our Correspondence, which I believd neither of us intended to fall into at that time, was broken off; that I desir'd to repent as sincerely as he had done, but intreated him to put me in some Condition, that I might not be expos'd to Temptations from the frightful prospect of Poverty and Distress; and if he had the least Apprehensions of my being troublesome to him, I beg'd he would put me in a Posture to go back to my Mother in Virginia, from whence he knew I came, and that would put an end to all his Fears on that account; I concluded, that if he would send me 50l. more to facilitate my going away, I would send him back a general Release, and would promise never to disturb him more with any Importunities; unless it were to hear of the well-doing of the Child, who, if I found my Mother living, and my Circumstances able, I would send for and take him also off of his Hands.
This was indeed all a Cheat thus far, viz. that I had no intention to go to Virginia, as the Account of my former Affairs there may convince any Body of; but the Business was to get this last Fifty Pounds of him, if possible, knowing well enough it would be the last Penny I was ever to expect.
However, the Argument I us'd, namely, of giving him a general Release, and never troubling him any more, prevail'd effectually, and he sent me a Bill for the Money by a Person who brought with him a general Release for me to sign, and which I frankly sign'd; and thus, tho' full sore against my will, a final End was put to this Affair.
And here I cannot but reflect upon the unhappy Consequence of too great Freedoms between Persons stated as we were, upon the pretence of innocent Intentions, Love of Friendship, and the like; for the Flesh has generally so great a share in those Friendships, that it is great odds, but Inclination prevails at last over the most solemn Resolutions; and that Vice breaks in at the Breaches of Decency, which really innocent Friendship ought to preserve with the greatest strictness; but I leave the Readers of these things to their own just Reflections, which they will be more able to make effectual than I, who so soon forgot my self, and am therefore but a very indifferent Monitor.
I was now a single Person again, as I may call my self; I was loos'd from all the Obligations either of Wedlock or Mistressship in the World; except my Husband the Linnen-Draper, who I having not now heard from in almost Fifteen Years, no Body could blame me for thinking my self entirely freed from; seeing also he had at his going away told me, that if I did not hear frequently from him, I should conclude he was dead, and I might freely marry again to whom I pleas'd.
I now began to cast up my Accounts; I had by many Letters, and much Importunity, and with the Intercession of my Mother too, had a second return of some Goods from my Brother, as I now call him, in Virginia, to make up the Damage of the Cargo I brought away with me, and this too was upon the Condition of my sealing a general Release to him, which though I thought hard, but yet I was oblig'd to promise.
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