for fox terrier and M. for mastiff. All these dogs were taken by Bretschneider from Schweik to the police headquarters. They were hideous freaks which had nothing whatever in common with any of the pure breeds, as which Schweik foisted them off upon Bretschneider.

The St. Bernard was a cross between a mongrel poodle and a sort of dubious cur ; the fox terrier had the ears of a dachshund, was the size of a mastiff and had bandy legs as if it had suffered from rickets. The mastiff had a shaggy head resembling the jowl of a collie and lopped tail ; it was no taller than a dachshund, and was shorn behind.

Then Detective Kalous went there to buy a dog and he returned with a cowed monstrosity resembling a spotted hyena, with.the mane of a Scottish sheep dog, and to the items of the secret funds was added : R. 90 cr.

This monstrosity was supposed to be a retriever.

But not even Kalous managed to worm anything out of Schweik. He fared the same as Bretschneider. Schweik transferred the most skilful political conversation to the subject of how to cure distemper in puppies, and the only result produced by the most artfully contrived traps was that Schweik foisted off upon Bretschneider another incredibly cross-bred canine freak.

7.

Schweik Joins the Army.

While the forests by the river Raab in Galicia beheld the Austrian troops in full flight, and in Serbia the Austrian divisions, one by one, were receiving the drubbing they so richly deserved, the Austrian Ministry of War suddenly thought of Schweik as a possible means for helping the monarchy out of its fix.

When Schweik received notice that within a week he was to present himself for medical examination, he was in bed with another attack of rheumatism.

Mrs. Muller wae making him coffee in the kitchen.

"Mrs. Mùller," came Schweik's tranquil voice from the bedroom. "Mrs. Muller, come here a moment."

When the charwoman was standing by his bedside, Schweik said in the same tranquil tones : "Sit down, Mrs. Muller."

There was something mysteriously solemn in his voice.

When Mrs. Muller had sat down, Schweik sat up in bed and announced : "I'm going to join the army."

"My gracious me !" exclaimed Mrs. Muller, "and what are you going to do there?"

"Fight," replied Schweik in a sepulchral voice. "Austria's in a bad way. Up in the North we've got our work cut out to keep them away from Cracow, and down in the South they'll be all over Hungary if we don't get busy soon. Things look very black whichever way you turn, and that's why they're calling me up. Why, only yesterday I read in the paper that clouds are gathering above our beloved country."

"But you can't walk."

"That doesn't matter, Mrs. Muller, I'll join the army in a Bath chair. You know that confectioner round the corner, he's got the kind of thing I want. Years and years ago he used to wheel his lame grandfather—a bad-tempered old buffer he was too—in it, for a breath of fresh air. That's the Bath chair you're going to wheel me to the army in, Mrs. Miiller."

Mrs. Miiller burst into tears. "Hadn't I better run for the doctor, sir?"

"Not a bit of it. Except for my legs I'm a sound piece of cannon fodder, and at a time when Austria's in a mess, every cripple must be at his post. Just you go on making the coffee."

And while Mrs. Miiller, tear-stained and flustered, was straining the coffee, the good soldier Schweik began to warble in bed :

"General Windischgraets and all his commanders Started the battle at the break of day; Hop, hop, hop !

They started the battle and began to pray: Help us, O Lord, with the Virgin Mary; Hop, hop, hop!"

Mrs.