I began to indulge in this debauchery in the same way as I began to drink and smoke. Yet there was something strangely moving about that first fall. I remember that immediately after it was over, right there in the room, I felt terribly, terribly sad; I wanted to weep, weep for my lost innocence, for my relation to women which had been forever spoiled, corrupted. Yes, the simple, natural relation I had had to women had been ruined for ever. From that day on I ceased to have a pure relation to women, nor was I any longer capable of one. I had become what is known as a fornicator. Being a fornicator is a physical condition similar to that of a morphine addict, an alcoholic or a smoker of opium. Just as a morphine addict, an alcoholic or a smoker of opium is no longer a normal individual, so a man who has had several women for the sake of his pleasure is no longer a normal person but one who has been spoiled for all time – a fornicator. And just as an alcoholic or a morphine addict can immediately be recognized by his features and physical mannerisms, so can a fornicator. A fornicator may restrain himself, struggle for self-control, but never again will his relation to women be simple, clear, pure, that of a brother to a sister. A fornicator can be instantly recognized by the intent look with which he examines a woman. I, too, became a fornicator and remained one, and that was my undoing.’

V

‘Yes, that’s how it happened. After that it got worse and worse; I became involved in all kinds of moral deviations. My God! I recoil in horror from the memory of all my filthy acts! I, whom all my friends used to laugh at because of what they called my innocence! And when one looks at our golden youth, at our officers, at those Parisians! And when all those gentlemen and myself, debauchees in our thirties with hundreds of the most varied and abominable crimes against women on our consciences, go into a drawing-room or a ballroom, well scrubbed, clean-shaven, perfumed, wearing immaculate linen, in evening dress or uniform, the very emblems of purity – aren’t we a charming sight?

‘Just give some thought for a moment to the way things ought to be and the way things actually are. This is the way things ought to be: when one of these gentlemen enters into relations with my sister or my daughter, I go up to him, take him aside and say to him quietly: “My dear fellow, I know the sort of life you lead, how you spend your nights and who you spend them with. This is no place for you. The girls in this house are pure and innocent. Be off with you!” That’s how it ought to be. Now how things actually are is that when one of these gentlemen appears and starts dancing with my sister or my daughter, putting his arms round her, we rejoice, as long as he’s rich and has connections. Always supposing, of course, that after Rigolboche4 he considers my daughter good enough for him. Even if there are consequences, an illness… it doesn’t matter. They can cure anything nowadays. Good heavens, yes, I can think of several girls from the highest social circles whose parents enthusiastically married them off to syphilitics. Ugh, how vile! But the time will come when all that filth and deception will be shown for what it is!’

He made his strange sound several times and began to sip his tea. The tea was horribly strong, and there was no water with which to dilute it. I felt it was the two glasses of the stuff I had already drunk that were making me so agitated. The tea must also have been having an effect on him, for he was growing more and more excited. His voice was increasingly acquiring a singing, expressive quality. He shifted position constantly, now removing his hat, now putting it on again, and his face kept altering strangely in the semi-darkness where we sat.

‘Well, and so that’s the way I lived until I was thirty, without ever for one moment abandoning my intention of getting married and building for myself the most elevated and purest of family lives, and with that end in view I was keeping an eye out for a girl who might fill the bill,’ he continued. ‘I was wallowing in the slime of debauchery, and at the same time looking for girls who might be pure enough to be worthy of me! I rejected a lot of them because of that – because they weren’t pure enough; but at last I found one whom I considered worthy of me.