The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel Read Online

The exact reverse of this is true. It is time that Archy, and his infatuated followers also, should understand that he is our subordinate, our creature. We admit that he has a certain superficial knack; but all the heavier, more solemn, respectable, and serious humor in the column is our own. His statement that he would like to work is entirely hypocritical. Since he won the strike he has done nothing but eat and sleep; he is gorged with food; between his triumph and his victuals he has become stupid. We knew food would ruin him, and it was in the interests of his literary ability, such as it is, that we kept him starved. Lord Tennyson noticed the same thing about a throstle … or maybe it was a blackbird. Anyhow, Lord Tennyson wrote a poem about it.… It was a bird that gorged itself and lived easy and ceased to be a poet. We have always thought it an indication of very high purpose and resolution that Lord Tennyson did not succumb himself in a similar manner; but after he became laureate he sang just as well as before. We believe that he was already laureate when he wrote “Come into the Garden, Maud.” Max Beerbohm has a cartoon of Lord Tennyson reading his poems to Queen Victoria in which the laureate looks both well fed and lyrical. We wish that Daisy Ashford’s Mr. Saltena had met a laureate at court and given us additional light upon this subject. But we still insist that in spite of Lord Tennyson’s experience, the rule holds good in the majority of cases; feed a poet and ruin him. The only thing that can save Archy now is a course of voluntary fasting, and we doubt that he has the will power for it. Give a cockroach enough jam and he will tangle his feet.

archy gets restless again

dear boss after thinking

over the terms of our temporary

settlement i

am forced to admit i

got the short end of the

deal you are a true diplomat and

a modest one at that but i want

you to know that your admission

to your readers in conceding me

a moral victory does not

suffice to fill an empty

stomach and nobody can work

without food so i am forced to

submit as the two chief subjects for

consideration in the final settlement the

necessity not only for deciding the

amount of salary but also a generous

allowance of food and good

food at that because since i

agreed to return to work i

met an old friend who took me to

a place where a lot of

nice people of the community

councils are distributing relief

food and by simply hiding in the

parcels that go out there are

lots of chances to get into all

kinds of fine homes we took a chance

and sneaked into one box of canned

goods and were placed in a fine

automobile that took us

to a swell house on the drive where

they have a pastry cook of their own and

we had the pastry all to our

selves and feasted on delicacies of

all sorts so half a piece of pie is

no longer any treat for me and

i can get acquainted with

some very aristocratic

cockroaches besides just by

attending food sales and i

am cultivating a taste for fancy

eatables that neither pie nor

25 per cent increase will satisfy

archy

It looks as if this Archy were getting ready to ask for more, no matter what we give him.

How human some cockroaches are!

say

maybe those guys

who are always

urging you

onward towards labor

and toil

and work and industry

just simply need

the money

your work produces

archy

seldom do i meet a person who will hold still long enough for me to get a meal

the cockroaches are not

the only insects

that are demanding more

consideration

i met a flea

last evening who

told me that he had come

into contact with

a great deal of unrest

lately and a mosquito remarked

to me only this

morning there is darned

little justice in this world the

way the human beings

run it seldom do i

meet a person who will hold

still long

enough for me to get a meal

archy

archy triumphs

thank you for the

advice to go and get

some of this

government food i do

not want to start all

over again

any controversy that has

been temporarily

settled but may i not

ask how

archy

well boss the time has

arrived for our permanent

settlement i propose

a plum plan

once a week i want a

pint jar of plum preserves

with bread and butter

and all the fixings that

go with them answer at once

i refuse to arbitrate

archy

We yield. We consider ourself lucky that Archy does not demand full ownership and control of the column. We yield while the yielding is still good.

boss i see by the

papers that there is

one income tax slacker who

owes 14 800 000 dollars lest

there be any possibility of

mistake i wish to state

publicly that i am not the

person the salary i receive for

my writings in the column

falls considerably below that

figure even in good

years yours for

vers libre as usual

archy

yes we have

i heard a good

story the other

day boss

i wonder if

you have heard it stop

me if you have wont you

it seems that

two cabbies in london

had had a bad day

it was raining

like anything and

neither one of them

had picked up a

fare in hours

have you heard it

they were driving along

side by side

bloodying their luck

when suddenly an old lady

came out of a house

and signaled to them

do you know it

they both stepped on the gas

neither of them had picked up a fare

and made

a mad dash for her

arriving at the same time

they drew

up before her

shes mine shouted one of

them at the top of his

lungs

im rotten at this

cockney dialect

like ell she

is shes mine hollered

the other

garn howled his rival

i seen the old bitch

first didnt i lady

archy

a wail from little archy

i can walk on six feet

or i can walk

on four feet

maybe if i tried hard enough

i could walk on two feet

but i cannot

walk on five feet

or on three feet

or any odd number of feet

it slews me around

so that i go catercornered

i mention this because

of my present

distressing condition

you have not fed

me lately let alone paying

me anything and

last night while eating

an apple core

in your waste paper basket

three of my feet

froze fast to it and are

useless at present writing

i wish you would

give me a set of galoshes

for my annual salary i

do not expect

real food from you any more

you always treat me

as if i were a constituent

and you were a politician

that my vote had just

elected to office

i dont know why i keep on

working for you

it is either a habit or a vice

archy

doing well

as i was

crawling through

a shoe store the

other day i

heard two pairs of shoes

talking to each other

well says the

first pair

you neednt feel

so smart

you have been

marked down from

twenty dollars to sixteen

while i have been marked

down from twenty one

dollars to

eighteen dollars

well said the

second pair i

make no claims to

superiority but

i will say i think

we are both doing

damned well for

five dollar shoes

archy

takes talent

there are two

kinds of human

beings in the world

so my observation

has told me

namely and to wit

as follows

firstly

those who

even though they

were to reveal

the secret of the universe

to you would fail

to impress you

with any sense

of the importance

of the news

and secondly

those who could

communicate to you

that they had

just purchased

ten cents worth

of paper napkins

and make you

thrill and vibrate

with the intelligence

archy

summer is icumen in

my scouts

from all over

the country tell

me that it is

getting along

towards the time

of year

when plump ladies

sit around

on the verandas

of summer hotels

and boarding houses

and swap

interesting yarns

about the times

they have been

under the knife

of the surgeon

archy

greetings old feather duster said i

archy climbs everest

may fifteenth nineteen

thirty five started climbing

mount everest early this morning

met the maharajah of nepal one hundred feet up

greetings old feather duster said i

that is not a feather duster he said

that is

stop i cried dont you tell me

that is your wife

that is my beard he said

i accept the apology i said

quick as a flash

may sixteen at one thousand feet

i met an avalanche coming down

as i was going up

we compromised and this morning

i am starting all over again

dancing on the avalanche

as it skidded towards sea level

were two strange figures

prancing on their hind legs

whom i identified as the dalai lama

mehitabel once was a Hindu nun

and mehitabel the cat

they were singing in part as follows

oh the lama here

is a son of a gun

and mehitabel once

was a hindu nun

skip skip my himalaya honey

the rarefied air

of the mountain side

has completely withered

the lamas pride

hike hike my himalaya honey

if the bottom of the hills

were placed at the top

when we wanted to go up

wed merely have to drop

drill drill my himalaya honey

may seventeen oh lord

the maharajah of nepal

is following me with a squirt gun

full of insect poison

here comes another avalanche

archy

archy on everest

may eighteenth fifteen

thousand feet up on mount

everest today i caught a ride

on an airplane going my way

everyone i meet is all hopped up

with the altitude

caught up with the maharajah of nepal

gaily hopping over the snow and ice

bare legged i said to him

hello spinach face are you starting

a nudist colony up here

and he replied

an avalanche

tore off my panche

and left me feeling funny

but we never rest

on everest

my himalaya honey

yes i says but who was that lady

i seen you walking with

a mile or so below

that wasnt no lady he says quick as a flash

that was the taj mahal

skipping along ahead of us were

the dalai lama and mehitabel the cat

mehitabel had written in the snow

send a message to my public

in america please archy give them

love and kittens from mehitabel

and the dalai lama

may nineteenth spent the day

riding up in airplanes

and coasting down on avalanches

if you dont know anything about asia

it would surprise you how much traffic

there is in the himalayas

may twentieth twenty thousand feet up

overtook a bum who says he is

nicholas romanoff formerly czar

of all the russias and when i say all

i mean all archy he said

the sun never set on my dominions

why not i asked him

because they were too cold

to hatch he replied ask me another

the reds missed me he said

and i have been in siberia ever since

i figure if i can get to the top

and stay there i will be safe

have you got a can opener

what for i enquired

i have some canned heat he said

but i cant get into it

i have practically lived on canned heat

ever since i escaped from russia

may twenty first got carried down

four thousand feet by a snow slide

when i came to myself

i was on a ledge of rock

and sitting in a row with their feet

hanging over nothing were mehitabel the cat

the dalai lama and the taj mahal

nicholas romanoff and the maharajah of nepal

all drinking canned heat and singing

in part as follows

we have tried all sorts

of winter sports

and spent a mint of money

we have skied the alps

and cracked our scalps

and burrowed like a bunny

but everest is sure the best

my himalaya honey

listen now said the former czar

and i will tell you the story of my life

it was going off of gold that ruined me

you mean the gold standard asked the lama

no said the maharajah

he means the gold cure

nevertheless said nicholas romanoff

i will tell you now the

story of my life

with slides asked the taj mahal

cant you try and forget it

mister romanoff asked the maharajah

no said the former czar

sniffing the canned heat

not while i have this rosemary

it is for remembrance

and he hit his insides

a terrific wallop with the horrid stuff

yes and rue is for you

said the taj mahal

kicking him five thousand feet downhill

and larkspur is for cooties

the dalai lama shouted

after him as he whirled into space

i discovered a virgin gold mine

the next morning how do you know

it is virgin asked mehitabel

yes said the taj mahal explain

tush tush said the dalai lama

give it the benefit of the doubt

well it seems reasonable said i

there is a snow slide

over it every twenty minutes

archy

and the result was hamlet

archy on the theater

Archy the Cockroach crawled into my office late the other night, scurried to my typewriter, and butted out the following ungenerous remark:

the theater is lousy

these days lousier than

it has been in three hundred years

“And what do you know about it?” I asked him.

i know everything about it

my ancestors have lived in theaters

for centuries

i am the repository of thousands

of generations of theatrical tradition

one of my ancestors was living

contentedly in a pile of old scripts

when a manager jerked one out

from underneath him one day

and handed it to a guy named shakespeare

and said bill get this old

junk into shape so we can

start rehearsals on it next tuesday

stick in a couple of murders

and some of your low browed comedy

and your smutty wisecracks

and philosophical hokum

and i dont need to tell you what to do

and the result was a play called hamlet

and another of my ancestors

was living in kit marlowes

fine elizabethan ruff

getting fat on starch

when marlowe was writing doctor faustus

my family has always lived around

theaters and theatrical hangouts

and one of my grandfathers grandfathers

used to live in edwin booths room

at the players club under the rug

and i repeat again that the theater

these days is lousy

“What’s the matter with it?” I asked him. And the insignificant insect replied, at length, as follows:

no glamour no illusion

that has all been thrown out of doors

and the movies have picked it up

and are doing the best they can with it

in their bungling way

the movies are struggling in a dumb headed

thumb handed way to give the public

some escape from the realities of life

and a glimpse into the fourth dimension

but the legitimate stage

goes right on presenting

stereotyped patterns of what is called

realism by which it means

the surface of the lives

of insignificant people

the reason the movies are doing business

and the theater is not

is not altogether one of price

or the financial condition of the country

the movies are young and crude

and are not afraid of gusto and the heroic

whether they sentimentalize

some lousy gunman and his doings

or put across an incredible western

or splurge with hokum melodrama

or embark on an adventure

of pure phantasy like wait disneys stuff

they are instinctively trying

to hand the public some kind of stuff

that wins the audience away from

the sordid surface of existence

they may do it badly

they may do it obviously

they may do it crudely

but they do have the hunch

that what the millions want is to be shown

that there is something possible

to the human race

besides the dull repetition

of the triviality which is the routine

of common existence

“You can certainly use some highbrow expressions, when you set yourself to it, Archy,” I said to the incredible cockroach. But the conceited insect kept right on butting his opinions out on the keyboard.

the legitimate stage

is afraid of ranting

the legitimate stage is afraid

of any breadth of gesture

the legitimate stage is afraid

of being kidded if it puts across

a genuine fervor of emotion

it is all tightened up and narrowed down

by its various fears

but the movies from the start

have had to please the millions

in order to exist in a business way

and they have had to keep in touch

with the mind of the mob

and the mob always wants a hero in a story

with whom it can identify itself

in some attempt to break through

into a better condition of existence

the great fault of the movies

has also been their great virtue

that is their necessity to cater to millions

it has compelled them to keep in touch

with the modern equivalent of folk lore

every now and then they have blundered

into doing something with a touch

of the universal in it just

because they follow ignorantly

this instinctive hunch of theirs

Archy ceased to write, and held his head with four of his feet. I thought he was grieving for the condition of the theater, and asked him if this was the case.

no he said

the theater has deserted me

and i am willing to let it go

it saddens me a little to think

that thousands of generations of us

devoted cockroaches are left in the lurch

but the fact is that the legit stage

is no longer the theater in a big way

the moving picture is the theater now

the living and real theater

archy flies

well boss i have had

some experiences you know that

fellow with the teeth that glitter

and the eyes that glitter who

comes in to see you and

who has been talking about his aeroplane

for six months you thought he

was always a liar and

so did i he is the kind of a liar who

looks so much like a liar no one

believes him when he tells the

truth i thought i would call

his bluff so i crawled into

his outside breast pocket the other day

and went out to a place near mineola

with him he really has an aeroplane he

went up in it the next morning and

i went along boss i must have

picked out the wrong position i sat

on top of one of the planes thinking i would see

more of the country boss

dont ask me for any sensations the

only thing i felt was wind i felt

like a sigh in a cyclone i had

about as much control of myself as a

bullet that is going through the

barrel of an airgun i dont want

to rub anything in boss but it

was as hard to hang onto as the water

wagon which is a simile

you may be able to appreciate i

i must have picked out the wrong position

dug all my feet and claws

and teeth in but the wind rushed by

me like a church scandal going

through a little village i would have

felt nausea if

my stomach hadnt been scared to death

it was only a question of time before i

would let loose thank heaven i thought i am

not an elephant i didnt

want to die again so soon just because

i can come to life again is

no reason for overworking a good thing too

many deaths and transmigrations look

vulgar and ostentatious

and when i did let go i must have

been two miles high around and

around i spun whirling like a flake of

soot that has been flipped

off of a devils wing between the

worlds and is spinning back home to

hell and beneath me it looked

like hell there was a vast expanse of water

with the sun making it

seem like melted metal i suppose i said

i will get all my feet wet now and

take my death of cold if a fish

dont eat me and just then i saw

beneath me a great fish grinning as if

he had heard a joke on the

bottom of the sea and come up to

laugh at the cosmos get that

cosmic stuff boss it goes great in some

circles i lit on one of his great white teeth

and waited for the gulp that should land

me in his interior department oh

lord i said if i ever see dry land i

will never mock at that jonah story

again i dont want to die in

midocean and be reincarnated as a

sardine or as an oyster

a cockroach isnt much but

he has a look in in society where

an oyster is never mentioned except as an

article of food but if it

must be it must be kismet and karma and

that bunch of bullies vote us the way they

please we are only instructed delegates

in the universal convention every

time i die it makes me more of a fatalist and

i waited for him to gulp but

he didnt gulp i hopped over to

the next tooth to the right as you go in

and investigated and finally climbed

out where his upper lip would have been if he had

had one and worked up to his eye it was

glassy in death i was floating on a dead shark

and it was all the more unpleasant

because he had not had any dental work done for a

long time or else he had adenoids or maybe

he had died of ptomaine poisoning boss what i am

delicately trying to convey is

that he had been dead so long he had a right to

be ashamed of it just then i

heard human voices and looking around i saw

two young men in bathing suits and

a motor boat a shark a shark cried one

of them put her about the motor is still

busted said the other row row for your

life but wait said the first one this

shark seems deceased bill lets haul him to land

and say we slew him right o torn says

bill it will make a hit with all the girls he

attacked us says torn and i jumped into the water and

cut his throat with my jackknife you

did eh says bill what was i doing then put two

slashes into him which they did one for each and

fastened him to the stern of their boat with a

line and as they towed him to the beach with

me sitting listening they fixed

up an awful lie talk about ovations boss when they

came to the beach they got one the

more i see of human nature the less i know

whether to despise it for being so easily

gulled or for being so ready to

gull by the time they had told

that story eight times each believed that

he was telling the truth although he

still thought maybe the other one was lying well

i left those two heroes

surrounded six deep by girls and came to

town in a little bunch of dress goods samples a

commuters wife has been trying to make

him remember to match my

sympathies being with the shark poor feeble old

thing he had likely perished of old age

to be killed a second time is hard luck but

this is the truth of a story that you

may read another version of in

the news columns

archy

archy and the suicide

well boss i have just

been assisting at a suicide i think the

gentleman who killed himself was

quite right in doing so too

i went into the kitchen of an

up town hotel the other

evening for a bite to eat and after

i had dined i thought

i would look the place over and if

i found a room that appealed to me i

would spend the night there

the room i got into was already

infested by a little old bald headed fellow

with scared eyes and a face like

a petrified turnip who was

hunched up under a reading lamp

reading a

bible all of a sudden he gave a

jump and said gawd gawd there it

is again and i saw a puff of

smoke floating across the

table in front of him it seemed to come

from nowhere in particular smoke

smoke cried the old man i am

haunted by smoke and as

he spoke another puff of smoke

suddenly appeared from nowhere on

the table in front of him

gawd gawd he cried spare me spare

me do not persecute me this way

and i will give all the money to charity

i will give it to the red

cross or any church you

may designate i know

i did wrong to burn down that

building for the

insurance money but how was i

to know there was any one in it i

did not plan a murder a third

puff of smoke seemed to start out of

his own shoulder and floated in

front of his eyes and a fourth

puff hit him on his bald head and made

a little veil in front of his face

gawd gawd he cried and threw

himself on the rug and began to

pray with his face hidden i

thought to myself those

puffs of smoke are peculiar there

isnt anything on fire in

here and then i got a whiff of it

and it smelled like tobacco smoke

then i saw something that looked

like a gray globe floating from the

direction of the bathroom door it

drifted across the room and hit

the reading lamp and vanished with a

puff of smoke i looked at the

bathroom door and i thought i

heard some one chuckle over there and

then i saw another gray globe of smoke forming

at the keyhole it slowly grew and grew till it

was as big as a baseball and then it

detached itself from the door and

floated across the room

i crawled noiselessly under the bath

room door it was one of those bath

rooms midway between two sleeping

rooms and there were a couple of

chuckle headed young fellows sitting

on the floor laughing to

themselves both were about half

soused and they were having a good

time one of them had a slender hollow

brass curtain rod and he was soaping

the end of it and

sticking it into the keyhole then he

would fill his mouth with cigarette

smoke and blow a soap bubble which

drifted into the old mans room what

is he doing now said one of them he

is on the floor praying said the

other taking the rod out of the

keyhole and looking through let me

blow a couple said the first young

man you are too soused said the

second one dont be selfish said the

first one gawd gawd said the voice

from the room i had just left i am

haunted by ghostly smoke i will live

right all the rest of my life if you

only let me off this time

give him another bubble said the

first young man he has got it

coming to him evidently so

they gave him half a dozen more

bubbles the noise

in the haunted mans room ceased for

some minutes what is he doing now

said the first young man i cant see

him said the second one just then

there came a kicking kind of a noise

on the wall i went into the

haunted mans room and found his

closet door was open i went in and he

was just dying he had hanged himself

to a hook on the wall with a trunk

cord those two young fellows had

just the wrong man for their little

practical joke or

just the right man if you want to

look at it that way i

went away from there at once not

wishing to be on hand if there

was any investigation yours

for conscience and coincidence

and may they never meet

archy

and found out too late

comforting thoughts

a fish who had

swallowed an angle worm

found all too late

that a hook was nesting

in its midst ah me

said the poor fish

i am the most luckless

creature in the world

had you not pointed

that out said the worm

j might have supposed

myself a trifle

unfortunate

cheer up you two said

the fisherman jovially

the first two minutes

of that hook are always

the worst you must

cultivate a philosophic

state of mind

boss there is always

a comforting thought

in time of trouble when

it is not our trouble

archy

inspiration

excuse me if my

writing is out of alignment i

fell into a bowl of

egg nog the other

day at the restaurant down

the street which the doctor

says he is glad to

hear you are keeping away

from and when i

emerged i was full of happy

inspirations alas they

vanished ere the break of

day i am sure they

were the most brilliant and

witty things that ever

emanated from the mind of

man or cockroach or poet i

sat inside a mince pie

and laughed and laughed at

them myself the world seemed all

one golden glory boss

i came up the

street to get all this

wonderful stuff onto paper for

you but when i tried to

operate the typewriter

my foot would slip and

by the time i had control

of the machine again

the thoughts had gone

forever it is the

tragedy of the artist

archy

gossip

well boss it is

surprising how many

gossips there are left in

this world and how

easy it is to ruin a

person s reputation

a few days ago an

alleged friend of yours

remarked to another

alleged friend i saw

archy on a bun in

a cafe down town the other

day and the second alleged

friend told another person

that archy had been seen

publicly intoxicated and

the other person went

around saying poor

archy he drinks like a

water bug until my

reputation is ruined you

would think i was

the habitual companion of

the well known dipsas snake

and the truth of

the whole thing is very

simple your alleged friend did

see me on a bun

in a cafe it was a

common ordinary bun such as

you spread butter on

and eat and i

was eating at it

just as i would sit on any other

piece of bread and eat but

now all my friends are

saying to me

did i see you on a

bun or did i not

answer yes or no and if i

answer no they say

prevaricator i saw you on a

bun and if i answer yes they

say i thought so and

will not let me explain and

if i do not answer

at all they say

aha too full for

utterance sometimes i

bate the world

archy

a close call

thank you boss for the

swiss cheese i hardly hoped

for a whole one i

took up quarters in it at once

the little galleries and caves and

runways appealed to

my sense of adventure after

i had made a square

meal i lay down in the inner

chamber for a nap feeling

safe i had hardly composed my limbs

for slumber when i heard

a gnawing sound and squeaks

of glee cautiously i

approached the north gallery a mouse

was there i hastily

retreated thinking i would make

my escape by way of one of the

windows on the south facade another

mouse was there the citadel

in short was attacked on all sides mice

mice mice coming nearer and nearer

their cold blooded squeaks and the champing

of their cruel teeth made the night

hideous minute after minute i lay

in the stokehold

until the slow minutes grew into

intolerable hours of agony great drops

of perspiration broke through the callus

on my brow i prayed for

dawn or the night watchman suddenly

into my retreat protruded a whisker it

was so near it tickled me closer and

closer it came it twitched i knew

that it had felt me a moment more and

all would be over just as

i prepared myself for another

transmigration mehitabel the cat

bounded into the room and i was saved

if you get me another cheese please

put a wire cage over it

archy

kidding the boss

well boss if i

were you i would not

put too much

trust in the

candor of those people

who tell you that you

will ever learn to

play kelley pool a

cockroach who lives

in one of the

pockets of the

pool table of that place

where you are so

often inveigled into playing

tells me that he

has never yet had to

dodge a ball that

you hit he sticks his

head out of his dugout

and watches the

game in perfect security

while you are shooting he

says it is a shame

the way you fall for the

flattery of those who

tell you that you are

improving my only

interest in the

matter is connected

with the fact that if

you wasted less

money on what will

always remain a game of

chance to you

you might be able to

do the square thing by

me and slip a

little money my way

now and then

for my contributions

archy

a sermon

well boss here

we are on the job again

you simply cannot

keep a good bug down

as a cockroach friend

of mine once

remarked to a fat man

who had

inadvertently

swallowed him along

with a portion

of hungarian goulash

although the remark

i understand

originated with jonah

well the main

thing is to keep

cheerful in spite

of the ups and

downs as i

heard an oyster

remark to his mate

last evening

only six weeks till

may says he

and if we go that long

without being eaten

we will get through

till September and

maybe by that time

nobody will want to

eat us no such

luck for us says

she nonsense says

he be more optimistic

i have noticed

every year that if

i get through

march i always

get through the rest

of the year

and just at that

moment a waiter

put the melancholy

oyster on a plate to

be served and eaten

and rejected the

cheerful oyster

there is a great

moral lesson

in this i pick

up a great many

little sermons of this

sort in my capacity as a

roach about town

archy

difficulties of art

boss why dont you get a

ribbon put into your typewriter it is only

after the most desperate exertions that

i am able to pound out these few lines i

had to get a sheet of carbon paper

and insert it between two sheets of white paper

and fix it in the machine in order to

write at all and would never have got it

done if it hadnt been that mehitabel the

cat and all the rest of the gang

around here helped me i had something

important i wanted to write you but all this

frightful physical labor has driven it out

of my mind it is always so with the

artist by the time he has overcome the

difficulties that lie between him and

his masterpiece

he is tired i wish you would get me an

electric typewriter and why not have me

endowed so i would not have to worry about

material things at all i would like to write

and eat and sleep and not work at anything else

archy

We said to Archy the other day: “You are welcome to our house any time you wish, if you come alone. But please cease bringing your friends and kinsfolk with you.” To which he replied:

boss

you should have learned

by this time

that literature

  makes strange

bedfellows

the captain s little golden headed daughter flung crumbs to the hungry porpoises

a spiggoty hero

i met a big spiggoty cockroach

down by one of the

docks where the fruit steamships come in

the other day who says he

is quite a hero

the deed he did will soon be

shown in the movies he thinks for

he is certain that a camera

man was present

an american battleship was going through

one of the locks of the

panama canal he says and

the captain s little golden

headed daughter was sitting in the

bows flinging crumbs from a sea

biscuit to the hungry porpoises

which flocked about the vessel when

in hurling a large crumb she lost her

balance and fell overboard the

old lock keeper immediately became rattled the

ship was half way through the gate when

the child fell among the

porpoises and the old lock keeper

saw her fall and let

loose of the lever

the ponderous gates were swinging shut and

both the battleship and the

little golden haired girl would

have been caught between them and

pinched into nothingness if

this spiggoty cockroach

according to his story had not retained his

presence of mind

he gave one leap he says and landed

on one of the cog wheels that

are worked by the old lock keeper s lever

he braced himself between a cog on one

wheel and a cog on the other and

exerted all his strength and in

an instant the machinery was stopped because

the wheels could no longer revolve he

made himself a wedge he says

it was a great strain he says and the

pressure on his forehead and feet was

something frightful the old lock keeper

plunged in among the porpoises and handed up

the little golden haired girl

to the ship and just then the captain of

the vessel noticed that the

heroic cockroach was weakening and hastily

sent a cabin boy to find a

bootjack which when found

he inserted among the cogs thus

releasing the heroic cockroach who fell

unconscious to the deck of the vessel the

old lock keeper returned to his duty grasped the

lever again and the bootjack was

removed the ship sailing onward happy

and safe the captain insisted on decorating

him in front of the crew for his

heroism he would have shown me the decorations

he said but on his way north he

was very hungry and ate them up

in his sleep one night he dreamed he

was eating he says and when he woke at

dawn he found the decorations had

disappeared but he did show me the scars

on his forehead and feet to

prove his story i will not say there

was rum on the ship that he came north on but

i will say that there was

something that did not smell quite like

molasses on his breath as he talked to me and i

should like to see the movie

films before i underwrite the story i told

him so and he acted sad and

injured if i had been lying he said i

could have thought of a better lie than

that something more picturesque i would have

said that the old lock keepers whiskers got caught

in the cog wheels and he was

being slowly drawn into the

machinery and would have

died a horrible death and that i

rescued him as well as the little

girl and the battleship well we went

down the street and met another

roach a friend of mine and this

spiggoty told the story to him and when he

told it he said that the old

lock keepers whiskers had been caught and

so forth

and showed a gray horsehair he had

picked up on the street a moment before and

said it was a hair from the old

lock keepers beard which he

had given him as a keepsake in

vino veritas may be right but rum if

it was rum i smelled seems to work

differently

archy

sociological

when the cold weather

comes i always

get a new interest in sociology

i am almost human that way

it worries me as to how

the other half

are going to get through

the winter

last evening i went

into a cheap eating house

and dropped into a beef stew

and had a warm bath

and a bite to eat

and listened afterwards

to a couple of bums

who had begged enough

during the day to get a supper

they were talking

about this new movement

on the part of the jobless

and homeless

to take possession of the churches

and live there during

the cold weather

said the first bum

i dont think i could do it

it would bring up

too many associations

you see i am a minister s son

you too exclaimed the second bum

why i also

am the son of a preacher

my father was a minister

in small towns all his life

he worked himself to death at it

he never got paid enough

to live on

and it was not until i left home

and became a hobo that i ever

got as much as i wanted to eat

at one meal

precisely my experience

said the other bum

have you ever had any temptation

said number one

to quit being a hobo

and take a regular job

yes said number two

very often

but i have always had

the strength of character

to resist temptation

it is my duty to my fellow men

to see that they have

material on which to wreak

their passion to be charitable

during the christmas holidays

it makes the well to do

more comfortable and gives

them a warm virtuous glow

when they give me a dime

and i should not feel justified

in taking from them

such a simple and inexpensive pleasure

yes said the other bum

the rich we have always with us

they are the great problem of the age

we must treat them as well

as we can and help them

to have a little fun by the way

so that they can forget

at least temporarily

the biblical assurance

that it is as hard for them to enter

the kingdom of heaven

as for a camel

to pass through a needle s eye

well said the other one

sometimes i think i would

be willing to change places

with a rich man

and run the risk

oh certainly said the other

i have never had any instinctive

hatred for riches

it is only work that i detest

riches are all very well

if you inherit them

but i doubt if they are worth

toiling for

think of all the millions

toiling miserably in order

to be damned

it is a pathetic sight

but if one inherits riches

he knows that the fates

have doomed him to be damned

before his birth

and it is of little use to struggle

that is far different from striving

desperately all one s life

to lay up enough wealth

to damn one

i perceive said his new found friend

that your early training

has stayed by you

you have a truly religious nature

yes replied the other

at the cost of great

personal sacrifice in many ways

i have kept myself

an object of charity

in order to foster

the spirituality of the well to do

the most passionate piety

could do but little more

but if you had inherited

great riches said the other bum

would you have given them to the poor

i doubt was the reply

that i would have felt justified

in doing that

i would more likely have said to myself

that providence

had by that token

marked me out as one destined

to hell fire

and i would have considered it

impious to struggle against

the manifest wishes of heaven

well sighed the other

life is full of terrible problems

indeed it is

rejoined his friend

but i am afraid that i shall

never solve even the least of them

when i am empty and cold

i am not in the mood for meditation

and when i am warm and replete

i go to sleep

the few guiding principles

i learned in father s church

have carried me thus far

and i shall go on to the end

never thinking beyond them

i merely apply them literally

and they work

they have made me what i am

he concluded complacently

archy

never blame the booze

as i go up and down the town

hither to and fro i gather many a

smile and frown and talk of

thus and so i lately

listened and i heard two chaps

their luck bewail life did not get

a pleasant word they

told an awful tale for one of them

had just been fired he

glummed and wondered why he cried

into his beer

aspired

to punch the boss his eye too

true the other one exclaimed this

world s a burning shame the

game of living has been framed it is

a rotten game and ever as they railed

at fate and wooed the sombre muse

they steadily absorbed a great

sufficiency of booze but neither one

that cursed his luck and beat his burning bean

would blame the downfall on the truck

that passed his lips between

and as i listened there i thought it were

more candid far to give its dues to what they bought

across the varnished bar they should indeed

be far more frank about their hard lucks boss

they should remark

each genial tank unto their bosses faces

you can t expect a man to drink as much as i do boss

and have much time to work and think

and put the job across

oh boss you ask too much of me

i do the best i can but who can lush

continually and be a working man

you can t expect a man to booze from morning

until night and feel quite nimble

in his shoes and add his figures right oh boss

you ask too much of us we have no flair for toil

we d rather daily dally thus imbibing joyful oil

you can t expect a man to souse

and do work for your business house so do not be unjust

twere more like reason if they said such words

unto their bosses than tear the hair

and beat the head and blame luck

for their losses

archy

the sad crickets

well boss it may

surprise you to learn

that a cricket does not

sing to be cheerful

as chas dickens believed

he sings because he

feels so melancholy i

asked one with whom

i have become well

acquainted what his song

meant and he

replied

there are no words

to go with

that music but the

music is sad i

make that music these

hot nights because i

have prickly heat

and there is nothing else

to do and another

cricket said yes

our song is sad i am

not troubled by the

heat but my song is

melancholy too the words to

my song said the second

cricket are as follows

and he repeated them for

me to wit

my love fell into a spiders web

squeak squeak squeak

and she screamed with pain as he

crunched her bones into his

bloody beak squeak squeak

squeak yes i said that is

sad very sad said the

cricket but not as sad as the

second stanza which goes

as follows my love got caught in

the crack of the door squeak

squeak squeak and i think with

grief of the way she died whenever

i hear it creak

squeak squeak squeak

whenever i hear it creak

squeak squeak squeak

that brings tears to my eyes

i said yes he said

there is nothing you could call

jolly about the

second stanza nor the

third fourth and fifth stanzas

friend i said

hurriedly let me hear the

last stanza

he looked at me as if

i had struck him

and hurried off with

tears in his gentle eyes

one thing that

makes crickets so

melancholy is that

they have the artistic

temperament

archy

fond recollections

boss i saw a

pitiful sight yesterday i

was crawling across the

ruins of an old house that

the workmen are tearing

down up town and

i saw a middle

aged man sitting on a

pile of bricks with

his gray hair in his hands he

was weeping and moaning

and i gathered from his

remarks that the place was once

a boarding house where

he had spent

many happy years i caught

a few strophes of his

song of woe as

follows

o workman spare that bathtub o

that bathtub made of zinc

that bathtub in the boarding house

that i lived in for years

fond recollections of

my youth surge oer

me when i think

upon that bathtub in that

boarding house and i

choke up with tears

when splashing of a Sunday

morn a peevish voice and surly

would tell me to make

haste and be

myself again adorning

throughout the week it

had few friends

but o on sunday morning

that bathtub in the

boarding house was

busy bright and early

how well i can remember how

as i tripped down the hall

the boarders heads would

be poked out along the

corridor

the sound of some one singing

upon my ears would fall

and sounds of others waiting

and getting very sore

o workman spare that

bathtub to me it does

bring back

the merry days when i was

young and all the world was pink

o workman spare that bathtub

from ruin and from rack

the bathtub in the

boarding house

the bathtub made of zinc

archy

immorality

i was up to central

park yesterday watching some

kids build a snow man when

they were done and had

gone away i looked it

over they had used two

little chunks of wood for

the eyes i sat on one

of these and stared at

the bystanders along came a

prudish looking

lady from flatbush she

stopped and regarded the

snow man i stood

up on my hind legs in

the eye socket and

waved myself at her

horrors she cried even the

snow men in manhattan

are immoral officer arrest

that statue it winked

at me madam said the cop

accept the tribute

as a christmas present

and be happy my own

belief is that some

people have immorality

on the brain

archy

archy is excited

dear boss i am

acquiring more

and more contempt

for you humans

i heard a couple

of girls yesterday

saying what a nice

christmas present it

would make to catch

a live archy

and have him gilded and

wear him on

a little chain

attached to a scarf

pin yours for red rum

ruin revolt and rapine

archy

archy reports

ive got just one

resolution for this year boss

and here it is

better stuff and more rhymes

what have i got to look

forward to otherwise if

a vers libre poet is

reincarnated into

a cockroach what will

a vers libre cockroach

be reincarnated into i

ask you

i don t want to be

a amoeba next time do i

i sing the glad noo year

thats tending toward the norm

my song is one of cheer

im going to reform

see

archy

archy says

i suppose the human race

is doing the best it can

but hells bells thats

only an explanation

its not an excuse

i heard a dry telling a flapper

the other day that since repeal

the women are drinking

too much gin

and the young lady

thoughtfully replied o nerts

there aint too much gin

there aint hardly enough

mehitabel the cat

was running around with a torn cat

off a cruiser when the fleet

was in new york

and she said to me yesterday

archy i wish you would come

down to shinbone alley

and see the seven funny little

sea serpents yowling around there

trying to put it across on me

that i am their parent

every time i go in for

a platonic friendship

there aint too much gin there aint hardly enough

it turns out plutonic

my maternal instinct

has proved to be a great drawback

it started when i was practically

a debutante and has been going

from bad to worse ever since

my ideals are putty

your ikons made of mud

and so you think me nutty

and i think youre a dud

archy

the book worm

well boss i had one gay

time last night i ran

onto a book worm in one of

the tomes on your desk and

found him a friendly

little cuss come he said to

me with his little eyes

shining brightly through his

horn rimmed glasses let us

make a night of it let us

have a gay evening lead on

says i we will go says

he to the annual

exhibit of the new york

microscopical society at the

american museum of natural

history they have there

some treponema pallidum some

models of amoeba and

paramoecium and some

pediculus capitis the deuce you

say said i yes said he it

will be a rare treat

indeed there are also some

ziroons there showing their

pioochroic halos the

nerve of them i said do

the authorities know it my

word yes says he the department of

health is responsible for

it come let us hasten there is

also a fine selection

of diplococci to say nothing

of the protococcus nivalis and

a specimen of phlogopito

from canada it sounds like a

jolly gang i said will there

be anything to drink

at this party i understand

he said that cerebro spinal

fluid will flow

like water the gay dogs i

said guide me to

it professor its always

fair weather when good fellows get

together i must warn

you he says that one

is not allowed to feed the

animalculae well when we

got there what do you

suppose the bunch was

germs boss germs just

ordinary germs pardon me i said

i will associate

with insects humans and

ghosts but not knowingly

with germs you must excuse me

one must draw the line somewhere

these friends of yours look

like alien enemies to me they

may have noble names but

their blood is thin

so i left

him flat and dropped into

a beef steak pie in one

of these arm chair restaurants for

a bite to eat and a

warm bath before

going to bed

that book worm was

out for some wild

evening boss its strange how

many of these quiet

looking little high brows have

bohemian tastes

archy

i rode on it that s how i got back here

archy s comet

several persons have

asked me during

the last few days have

you seen the comet

and my answer has been

seen it why

i rode on it

that is how i got

back here after my

travels it is my private

comet i park

it up there and it

waits until i am ready

to go somewhere

else ask me something

different

archy

progress

if mars

and earth ever do

get into communication

probably they will be

swapping

scandalous stories

inside of three hours

archy

he has enemies

boss i dont want to

be importunate or nag you or

anything like that but

working nights and sleeping by day as

much as i do i dont get

time to hustle up any

grub for myself wont

you please leave

something behind the radiator it has

been three days since i ate i might

have dined on an apple core last night

but there was white powder

sprinkled near it and over it i

have my enemies boss a little scrap of

dried beef would be appreciated

archy

barbarous

in a restaurant uptown

i dropped into a beef stew

yesterday for a warm bath

and a bite to eat

and i heard a horrid discussion

between a waiter and a customer

they were talking about fishing

and the customer says the best luck

he ever had was one time when he

was staying at a run down hotel

in the country and he used cockroaches for bait

the waiter made a note

and says he is going to write

to a rod and gun column in a paper about it

yes says the customer do so and i bet you

in a year from now

they won t be using anything but cockroaches

and they will be worth almost

their weight in gold

boss please petition congress at once

and get a law passed

against cruel and unusual bait

after all i have done for this country

am i to be in danger

of getting the hook like that

if you abolish the cockroaches

no boarding house will seem like home

and no home like a boarding house

why i have lived in places

which would have fallen down

if the spider webs and cockroaches

had been removed

i consider fishing a barbarous sport anyhow

archy

pulled a piece of cheese rind over my head

the demon rum

well boss on these

rainy days i wish i was

web footed like a jersey mosquito no

one has yet invented

an umbrella for cockroaches i was

over across the street

to the barroom you used to

frequent before you reformed today

and it was raining outside i

pulled a piece of cheese

rind over my head to

protect me from the weather and

started for the door as i

passed by one of the booths a man

who was sitting in it said to

his companion please call a

taxi for me where do you want to go

said his companion i am

bad again said the man i want to

go to some place where they

treat nervous diseases

at once you look all right

said his companion i may look all

right said he but i don t see

all right i just saw a piece

of cheese rind crawling along the

floor and as i passed by i

said to myself beware the demon rum

it gives your brain a quirk

it puts you on the bum

and gives the doctors work

archy

ancient lineage

professor slosson

says that the cockroach

is one of the eldest of the

creatures that inhabit

the globe

two hundred and fifty

millions of years

ago the cockroach

existed just as he exists

today of course it is

very flattering

to have this scientific

testimony to my ancient

lineage i can trace my

ancestry back without

a break to old adam cockroach

himself but the real question is

how much has the cockroach

learned in two hundred and

fifty million of years

well i can tell you

in a few brief words

the cockroach has learned

how to make man

the so called lord

of creation work for him

the cockroach lives

in peace and plenty

while the human race

hustles to support him

all the social institutions

of all time have existed

merely for the purpose

of forming a pyramid

on the apex of which

perches the cockroach triumphant

it has taken us a long

time but we point

with pride to the achievement

if you don t believe me

read professor slosson s

article

archy

quaint

“Does Archy ever visit Greenwich Village?” asks R.P. “I found myself in company with a cockroach of a dissipated but still scholarly appearance in one of the cafés over there the other evening.…”

Archy, we regret to say, will frequent the Village. Indeed, we hear that he is planning to open a café of his own to be known as “Ye Crusty Cockroach.”

“But why the ‘Ye,’ Archy?” we asked him. “Why not merely ‘The’?”

And Archy, loping six-leggedly to the typewriter, laboriously replied:

it is going to be one

of those quaint

places boss and all those

quaint places have to

be ye instead of the

in a ye place you can

serve almost anything

and get away

with it but in a

the place you have to

have a certain amount

of eats and drinks

and that increases the

expense of operation

enormously i am no

pig but i do wish to

make enough money once in

my life to be

among the

excess prophets or the

excise profits or

what ever you call

them

For our part, we shall never eat goulash in a place that is conducted by Archy—so many of these Greenwich Village artists are always Putting Themselves Into Their Work.

the artist

i called on some friends in a

studio building the other evening and

while we were foraging about

for something to eat

we got caught on a

palette smeared over with all

the colors there are

leaping from this danger seven

or eight of us

landed upon an untouched canvas

that stood upon an easel

nearby waiting for the masters hand

and we walked across the

canvas on our way out of that

place it seems that we builded

better than we knew before

we could get to any safer place

than a spot behind a

gas radiator we heard human footsteps

approaching and an

instant later two men entered the

studio one of them switched on

the lights and the

other gave an exclamation of

pleasure and astonishment by jove

tommy he said to the owner of

the studio what is this new thing

of yours on the easel it is

the best thing you have done yet

i thought you were against

modernism and all

the new fangled stuff but i see

that you have come over to the new

school your style has

loosened up wonderfully old kid

i always said that if you

could only get away from the stiffness

and absurdity of the

conventional schools you had the

makings of a great painter in

you what do you call this

picture tommy

well said tommy with rare

presence of mind i have not

named it yet it is not altogether in

the newer mode you will observe i

have been struggling for a

compromise between the two methods

that would at the same time

allow me to express my

individuality on canvas i do

think myself that i have got more

freshness and directness into this

thing you have said his friend

it has the direct and naive approach

of the primitives and it

also has all that is

worthy to be retained of the

reticent sophistication of

the post pre raphaelites but what

do you say you are going to

call it it is said tommy as

you see a nocturne i have

been thinking of calling it

impressions of brooklyn

bridge in a fog and when his

friend went out he stood and looked at

the picture for a long time and

said now i wonder who in

hell slipped in here and did that it

is nothing short of genius could

i have done it myself when i

was drunk i must have done so

anyhow i will sign it and

taking up a brush he did so well i

stole a look at the canvas

myself and it looked like nothing

on earth to me but a canvas over

which a lot of cockroaches had

walked i may be a

critic but still i know what i

dont like yours for another

renaissance of the arts every

spring and every autumn

archy

the suicide club

boss i ran onto a queer bunch

in the back room of a saloon on william street

the other night there were six of them

two cockroaches

a grass hopper

a flea

and two crickets

they have what they call a suicide club

not the sort our old

friend r l s made famous

the members of which intend to kill

themselves but each member of this

club has committed suicide already

they were once humans

as i was myself

at least i was a poet

after they killed themselves their souls

transmigrated into the bodies

of the insects mentioned

and so they have got together and

formed a club the other night the grass

just as i got my shoe off we passed a glue factory

hopper told why he had killed himself

it was a misunderstanding

with one i loved he said

which impelled me to the rash act

she and i were walking down a country

road and i got some gravel in one

of my shoes shortly afterward we

boarded a trolley car would you

mind i asked her if i took my shoe off

and shook out the gravel

help yourself she said

just as i got my shoe off we passed

a glue factory

i hastily put the shoe on again by the

time it was on again we were well past

the glue factory

the period during which the shoe was off

and the period during which we

were passing the glue factory exactly

synchronized

she did not see the glue factory

and refused to believe there had been

one in the neighborhood i could

never explain a month later

i killed myself tough luck

old top said the flea i will now

tell you why i took the fatal

plunge i will

tell you how it was i

committed suicide and transmigrated

into the body of an insect i was

the india rubber man in a circus side

show and fell in love with a

pair of beautiful Siamese twins

public opinion was against

me marrying both of them

although both of them loved me as i

loved them both you

must choose between them said the

manager what god has joined together

let no man put asunder i said but

public opinion was too much for me

but the surgical operation which

severed them changed their

dispositions you cant fool with

a freak without running some such

risk when they were cut apart one of

them eloped with the surgeon

who had done the work and the other

married an interne in the

hospital they had a double

wedding and i slew myself that night

well said one of the crickets i will

now tell you how i shuffled off

this mortal coil and

transmigrated into the

body of a cricket and became a

member of this has been club my father

belonged to a religious sect which

forbids shaving and i was

brought up in that way no

razor ever touched my face when i was

forty years old i had a beard that hung

down to my knees it was red and

glossy i went around the country

posing as a doctor for a medicine

company hitting the tank towns in a

wagon and giving a spiel and

playing on the banjo i did well as

my beard attracted

crowds and was happy and

prosperous until one day a

malignant old man who

had just bought six bottles of tonic

for five dollars made of roots herbs

and natures own remedies

containing no

mineral ingredients and brewed from

juniper leaves hazel roots choke

cherries and the bark of the

wild cohosh exactly

as the indians made it for a

thousand years

in the unpathed forests before the

pale face came said to me mister

can i ask you a question yes i

said i have nothing to conceal i am on

the level if one wine glass full before

meals does not give you an appetite

take two or three

mister he says the question is

personal go ahead i says i am the

seventh son

of a seventh son a soothsayer and a

seer i can tell by the way

you chew tobacco you have liver

trouble i will make a

special price to you fourteen

bottles for ten dollars cash no he said

it is about your beard it grew i told

him through using this medicine

my chin was bald at

birth it is a specific for erysipelas

botts neuralgia stomach trouble loss

of appetite hearts disease dandruff and

falling hair thirty bottles to you

for twenty dollars and i will throw

in an electric belt

mister he said i only want to ask

you if you sleep

with all your beard outside

of the covers or

under the covers when you go to

bed at night and he gave me an evil

grin and went on i

never thought of it

before i had just gone to bed and slept

as a rule but that night when i

climbed into bed i thought of the old

mans question i spread all my

beard outside of the covers and it

was immediately apparent to me

that i did not have the habit of

sleeping with it that way then i put it

under the covers and was

no less certain that i did not

sleep with it that way i worried

about it till morning and each way i

put it seemed at

once to be the wrong way

the next night it was the same

thing i could not keep from

thinking about it i got no sleep at all

and became the mere shadow of my

former self it so preyed upon me

that at last i saw i must either

shave off the beard or end it all but i

could not shave off the beard

without deserting the religious principles

instilled into me by my father and so i

took the fatal plunge hard lines said the

second cricket the way i happened to

commit suicide and undergo

transmigration and

thus qualify for a member of this club

was this when i was a

human i was wedded to a lady whose

mother had a very strong

and domineering character she

lived with us night after

night i would lie awake thinking

up schemes to get even

with her i thought up

some lovely schemes but when

morning came my nerve would

leave i never had the courage to

put them into execution finally

the thought came to me that if i was

a ghost i could haunt her and

she would have no come back i slew

myself but alas my soul transmigrated

into the body of a cricket and

if you had ever seen that strong and

bitter old woman slaying spiders and

crickets you could realize

the despair that has settled down on me

since too bad said one

of the cockroaches i will now narrate the

events which led up to my

determination to

take the leap into the

darkness

i cant say that i

had any good reason for

slaying myself i had done everything

else at least once i was a

young man possessed of a

considerable fortune which it was my only

occupation to dissipate when

everything else palled i

took up theology i made a bet

with another student that the soul

was not immortal the only way to

settle it was to die and find out we both

did well fellows we both lost mine

proved to be immortal for here i am but his

was not it completely disappeared and

has never been heard of again

which shows you never can tell and

yet i am still interested in

games of chance

archy

psychic

boss i have had a terrible time

since i last wrote you as i

told you long ago i was originally a

vers libre poet and my

soul after leaving that body

migrated into the

body of a cockroach before that

happened i did not believe in the

doctrine of transmigration of

souls but after it happened

how could i refuse to credit it well

it gave me a great deal of interest

in all psychic matters and it

struck me not many weeks ago that

if it were possible for a soul

to leave a poet that way and go into

the body of a cockroach

at the poets death it might be

possible to manage it without death the

truth is that i got tired of being a

cockroach and wanted to be

human again i practised and practised

until i found myself able to get out

of the cockroach body and

naked on the air of heaven ride but it

is not all that it is cracked up to be

there is nothing that can get so

cold as a soul these autumn nights

when it has no body and no blankets

and in winter it is worse yet after i

had gained proficiency i began

to look around for a human to

get into but as far as i could

learn every human was filled with

a soul already but i began to

make longer and longer trips away from

my cockroach body imagine my

consternation and surprise one day

some weeks ago upon returning to the

cockroach body which i had left to find

that it had been squashed and swept out

with a broom i looked at the fragments

with horror it was a very discouraged

looking set of remains but there i

was out in the world with

no shelter all sould up as you might

say and no place to go it may strike you

as nothing to worry about and it

wasnt so bad for a day or two but there

is a horrid sense of helplessness

about it if you are interested in

psychic research and that

sort of thing you can get a

little fun for a while appearing in

seances and balling up the messages

but believe me psychic research is more

interesting when you are the human calling

up the spirits than when you

are the ghost too often

they make you the goat that

soon palled on me and i wandered for

weeks the most lonely thing in new york

city at last in despair i

got into the carcase of another cockroach

again of about the same size and

general appearance of my old frame but

the whole affair has had a most

depressing effect on me imagine taking

all that trouble to get away from

being a cockroach and then get

shoved back into one by

fate again i think i will

stick to the old homestead for a

while how do i know but what the next

time i might get into the body of a

flea or a communist

archy

destiny

well boss here i

am a cockroach still boss

i have often been disgusted

with life but now i am

even more disgusted

with death and transmigration i

would rather not inhabit

any body at all than

inhabit a cockroachs

body but it seems i

cant escape it that

is my destiny my doom my

punishment

when you struck me that

terrific blow a few

days ago and i

died there at

your feet my first

sensation was one of glad

relief what body will

the soul of archy transmigrate

into now i asked

myself will i go

higher in the scale of

life and inhabit the

body of a butterfly

or a dog or a

bird or will i sink

lower and go into the

carcase of a poison

spider or a politician

i sat on a blade of

grass and waited and wondered

what it would be i

hoped it wouldnt be

anything at all too soon

because if you remember

it was a hot

day and as i sat

on that blade of grass

in my naked soul and

let my feet hang over i

was deliciously

cool try it some of

these hot nights leave

your body in the

bed and go up on the

roof in your

spirit and float around

like a toy balloon its

great stuff well while

i was sitting there

thinking what i

would inhabit next if

it was up to me

personally i had

a swooning sensation

and when i came

to i was in the

flesh again dad gum

it i lifted first

one leg and then

another to see what i

was this time and

imagine my chagrin and

disappointment when i

found myself inside

another cockroach the

exact counterpart of the

one you smashed whats

the use of dying if

it dont get you

anywhere i was so

sore i went and

murdered a tumblebug i

suppose as a cockroach

i was not good enough

to be promoted

and not bad enough to

be set back boss a

thing like that makes a

fellow feel awful humble i

came back to town in

that special delivery letter i

would rather dodge

the thing

they cancel stamps with

all day than walk again

say boss

please thank my friends

for all the kind

words and flowers i

must close in haste there

is a new rat

in your office since i

was here last i

wish you would sprinkle a

little cereal in the

bottom of the waste paper

basket

archy

a discussion

there is a good deal

of metaphysical discussion going on

amongst my own little group here

i said freddy the rat was no

more he expired at the moment he

slew that tarantula well he had

once been a human and had

transmigrated into a rat just

as i had transmigrated into a

cockroach the question now

is where will freddy turn up next will

he go up or down the scale and

that has led to the further question as

to what is up and what is down

producing considerable dissension all the

spiders claim they are higher in

the scale than the cockroaches and that

lazy cat mehitabel looks on superciliously

as if confident that she has it on

all of us spiritually speaking

well all i have to say is that in

my case a soul got out of a vers libre

bard into a cockroach but i have

known cases which are exactly the

reverse if you get what i mean

not that i would name any names

archy

quarantined

well boss i suppose you

wonder what has become of

me lately i have been

quarantined or rather

i quarantined myself

voluntarily lest

i help spread the

influenza on the

back of a cockroach

no larger than

myself millions of

influenza germs may lodge i

have a sense of responsibility

to the public and i

have been lying for two weeks

in a barrel of moth

balls in a drug store

without food or water it

strikes me as a good time to

come across with that

raise of salary you

are always promising me

archy

archy s statue

say boss but its great to

be famous when i saw that pedestrian

statue of myself on your desk i reflected that not

every one is privileged to see his

monument erected before he dies nor

after either for that matter it

gave me the feeling that i was looking at my own

tombstone erected in memory of my good

deeds how noble i will have to be to live up

to all that i felt just as a person might

feel who was hearing his own funeral

sermon preached over him i

stared at the statue and the statue stared at

me and i resolved in the future to be

a better cockroach of course it doesn’t flatter me

any my middle set of legs arent really

that bowed but the intellectual look

on my face is all there

archy

the open spaces

one trouble with

cockroaches is that they

do not get

out into the open

air enough

even the tumble

bugs play golf

and it keeps

them serene and

wholesome even the

angle worms feel

drawn to the

brook side in the

spring i am trying

to start a

back to nature movement

among my fellow

cockroaches maybe i

can count on the

co operation of the

housewives league i

am convinced that a

great deal of the

popular prejudice against

cockroaches would

vanish if they

took to the great

open spaces yours

archy

short course in natural history

you should be glad

you re not a tomcat

for when all is said

and done

you know youd hate

to pay insurance

on nine lives instead of one

be glad you re not

a centipede

you might your whole

ambition lose

if you had to find

the cash

to keep a centipede

in shoes

be glad you re not

a devilfish

if you had four pairs

of feet

what a trail

you d leave behind you

when you staggered

with the heat

archy

archy protests

well boss now youve got

your desk all cleaned up for the

first time since ive known you what

am i going to do for

a safe retreat in times of dire

need formerly i could crawl under a

bushel of poems and mehitabel the

cat could not find me this

room is as bare as the inside of

a drum you might at

least have left me a tobacco can i

feel as visible as a hyphen and not

half so sure of myself

archy

archy on amateur gardens

well boss i have

been looking over your

garden and my

thoughts on the

subject have fallen naturally

into the form of a little

dialogue among the

plants and inhabitants of the

garden to wit as follows

garter snake

how wan on the first of july

the gardens of april appear

now the plants that aspired to the sky

droop and think of the bier

first onion

i am a disillusioned onion plant

so sad so sad am i

that if one fed me to a maiden ant

she would curl up and die

indeterminate vegetable

in youth i hoped a bean to grow

but what i am i do not know

first beet

i have malaria croup and botts

second beet

i have such leprous looking spots

third beet

i was a beet of promise as a young beet

but now i have the mournful feeling

that neither root nor top nor peeling

will ever be fit to eat

garter snake

ah what a melancholy patch

toad

yon egg plant there will never hatch

indeterminate vegetable

one paused by me but yesterday

and spoke of me as hay

but what i really am i do not know

cucumber vine

strange insects walk me to and fro

pepper plant

had i been treated with formaldehyde

that goat that in the dewy eves

came here to feast upon my leaves

might not have died

second onion

the great splay feet of destiny

have trodden me have trampled me

rhubarb

ah once i hoped to line a pie

cucumber vine

will you marauding hen pass by

or must i die

indeterminate vegetable

what thing i am i do not know

men have no name for me

garter snake

i think you are a spinach vine

toad

and i should call you eglantine

sparrow

perhaps you are a pea

first bean

i was a bean

unto some glad tureen

i might have given tone

but a dog yestereen

hiding a bone

took from me all my mundane hope

indeterminate vegetable

sometimes i think i am a canteloupe

second bean

drooping between two hills of corn

i am the butt of all mens scorn

third bean

ah how i aspired

in the glad may morn

fourth bean

i am so tired so tired

sparrow

friend toad from yonder plant keep you away

i saw a neighbor child but yesterday

from off its foliage pluck a spray

and then how he yelled

and his hand turned black and swelled

indeterminate vegetable

perhaps im not a plant at all

but some strange sort of animal

first cabbage

pigeons have riddled me and weasels

second cabbage

im spotted as with german measles

first corn stalk

woe

second corn stalk

woe

third corn stalk

woe is me ah woe woe woe

fourth corn stalk

even the weeds beside me do not grow

first turnip

gott

second turnip

gott gott gott

third turnip

mildew blight and rot

fourth turnip

and smallpox like as not

indeterminate vegetable

but cheer brothers cheer

perhaps before the year

dwindles to winter drear

well poison some one here

i know not what i am

parsley from siam

a vegetable ham

or a long island clam

but this i know i hate

my miserable state

and all human beans

i hate life and fate

i hate men and greens

i hate hens and grass

i hate garden sass

who gets me on a plate

shall learn how i hate

i hate chards romaine

children and goats

old men and young men

people and oats

and im full of ptomaine

who puts me within him

scorpions had better skin him

who puts me inside her

had better eat a spider

i know not what i be

alfalfa corn or pea

but cheer brothers cheer

before the glad new year

well poison some one here

i might give you some advice

about your garden

boss but likely you would

not thank me for it

so i will only make one

suggestion to wit if the

garden were mine i

would set out another cabbage

plant in it and then

give it to the butterflies for

an aviation ground

archy

i would rather far get pally with a pretzel and a seidel

archy on this and that

1

an old stomach

reforms more whiskey drinkers

than a new resolve

and the sexton

stops more than either

2

the world would take its ethics

as seriously as its amusements

three em dash

if they were as amusing

3

a man who is so dull

that he can learn only by personal experience

is too dull to learn

anything important by experience

4

a great many people

who spend their time mourning

over the brevity of life

could make it seem longer

if they did a little more work

5

judging by the number and variety

of pills and religions in the world

the chief preoccupation of man

has been the state of his digestion

and the condition of his soul

and just look at both of them

6

a lot of people

would get back to work now

but they cant afford to take the time off

from keeping the relief agencies going

for if they shut up

that would throw a lot of specialists

out of jobs

i heard one of these bozos

talking to a buddy the other day and made

a little song out of his sentiments

as follows

the dignity of labor

is a phrase i like to see

imposing on my neighbor

but it cant impose on me

i had rather dilly dally

rest and loaf and idle

i would rather far get pally

with a pretzel and a seidel

of beer

mehitabel sees it through

dear boss i met mehitabel

last night and asked her if

she did not think times were getting

a little better

she was digging for sustenance in a trash heap

at the moment and she looked as if

she might be a part of the heap herself

one of her legs has been damaged again

in a fight with a rival in love

but she began to caper when i spoke to her

and replied as follows

good times and bad times

recoveries and depressions

wotthehell do i care

as long as somethings doing

when i lived on salmon

and oysters stewed in cream

i wasnt always happy

when i dug my scoffins

out of frozen garbage heaps

i wasnt always sad

economic problems

never tell the story

as far as im concerned

once i lived a fortnight

on moonlight wind and grass

and i danced every evening

with the shadows in the alley

and entertained my boy friends

with my melodious songs

wotthehell do i care

if the stomachs empty

when the spirits full

i have had my ups

boss i think mehitabel is mistaken about the milky way

and i have had my downs

but whether i was up

or whether i was down

there was something in my blood

that always set it dancing

and when the blood was jigging

the feet began to caper

some day i will voyage

on top a garbage scow

just a stiff dead feline

wreathed in orange peel and melon rinds

with shop worn salad garnished

down the bay theyll take me

to the dumping grounds

defunct as ancient nut shells

but wotchehell do i care

that day has not arrived

and good times or bad times

hard times or easy

there are three good feet

on old mehitabel

and she will keep them jigging

till the grim reaper slices

two more of them off

and then she ll dance on one

till its frozen and resigns

and then her soul will caper

along the milky way

theres a dance or two in the old dame yet

and the word is toujours gai

boss i think mehitabel is mistaken

about the milky way

i think she is more like to dance

on hot cinders in the hereafter

archy

mehitabel meets her mate

tis the right of a modern tabby to choose

the cats who shall father her kits

and its nice to be sure their pasts have been pure

and theyre free from fleas or fits

trial marriage i tried till i thoroughly tired

and i suffered somewhat from abduction

and my heart it was broken again and again

but twas excellent instruction

i always have been rather awesomely blest

with the instincts of a mother

and my life and my fate have been down to date

one kitten after another

triplets quadruplets quintuplets

in a most confusing succession

and it seems to keep up whether times are good

or wallowing in depression

and this is in spite of the terrible fact

i am not a real home body

but an artiste who views the domestic career

as damnably dull and shoddy

for i am a lady who has her whims

no torn cat holds my love

if i come to feel i have plighted my troth

to a little mauve turtle dove

but at last i have found my real romance

through the process of trial and error

and he is a ribald brute named bill

one eyed and a holy terror

his skull is ditched from a hundred fights

and he has little hair on his tail

but the son of a gun of a brindled hun

is indubitably male

over the fences we frolic and prance

under the blood red moon

and sing to the stars we are venus and mars

as we caper and clutch and croon

his good eye gleams like a coal of hell

from the murk of alley or yard

and the heart that jumps in the cage of his ribs

is hot and black and hard

says he as we rocket over the roofs

can you follow your limber bill

says i to him my demon slim

theres a dance in the old dame still

you pussies that purr on a persian rug

or mew to some fool for cream

little you know of the wild delight

of the outlaws midnight dream

a fish head filched from a garbage can

or a milk bottle raided at dawn

is better than safety and slavery

you punks that cuddle and fawn

you can stuff your bellies with oysters and shrimp

you may have your ribbon and bell

for bill and me it is liberty

o wotthehell bill wotthehell

says he to me old battle axe

you never was raised a pet

says i to willie i aint any lily

but theres pep in the old dame yet

last night when a bull pup gave us chase

bill turned and a rip of his claw

completely unseamed that slavering mutt

from his chin to his bloody jaw

we dance with the breeze of the summer nights

we dance with the winter sleet

with velvet paws on the velvet shadows

or whirl with frozen feet

we riot over the roof of the world

mehitabel and bill

you son of a gun of a brindled hun

theres a dance in the old dame still

she flung a party in shinbone alley

mehitabel pulls a party

dear boss mehitabel shows

no evidences of reform

she flung a party in shinbone alley

last night and six of the toughest

tabbies i ever saw were her guests

all seven of them danced on the ash cans

flirting their tails in the moonlight

and chanting as follows

oh wotthell do we care

if we are down and out

theres a dance or two in the old janes yet

so caper and swing about

up and down the alley

through and over the fence

for still we are attractive

to various feline gents

meow meow meow

now then sadie dont talk shady

try and remember you and myrtie

that you was raised a lady

that goes for you too gertie

oh i was chased down broadway

by a tom with a ribbon and bell

i says to him my limber jim

you seem to know me well

says he to me oh can it be

you are mehitabel

oh wotthell girls wotthell

as long as the gents is for us

we still got a job in the chorus

we aint no maltese flappers

we all seen better days

but we got as much it

as an ingenue kit

and it is the art that pays

meow meow meow

arch your back and caper

and kick at the golden moon

mebby some yeggs

who sell butter and eggs

will fling us a party soon

now then gertie dont get dirty

frankie frankie dont get cranky

and call any lowlife names

remember that you and your sister

were once society dames

and me and nance was debutants

before we was abducted

remember pearl that you was a girl

that a college went and instructed

dont chew the fat with no common cat

for you still got an honored place

oh climb the fence and caper

and kick the moon in the face

oh mebby we all are busted

oh mebby the winters are chill

but all of us girls seen better days

and we are ladies still

remember nell you was once a swell

you was raised a social pet

be careful sweet and act discreet

you may have come down in the world my dear

and you got a cauliflower

onto your ear

but you are a lady yet

meow meow meow

oh wotthell oh wotthell

as i came into the alley

i met a brindle swell

he says to me oh this can be

none but mehitabel

oh willie says i as i passed him by

you know me far too well

then cheerio my deario

prance and pirouette

as long as gents has such intents

theres life in the old world yet

meow meow meow

oh wotthell oh wotthell

i spy you brindle bill

come off the fence you feline gents

theres a dance in the old dame still

meow meow miaow

now then girls no shady jests

here come the gentlemen guests

you try and dance refined

remember you all was ladies born

and still are so inclined

now then sadie dont talk shady

or out you go on your nut

this aint any lousy harlem brawl

this aint any party in webster hall

we gotta recall we are nice girls all

and never was anything but

meow meow meow

archy

was not a ship at all it was a dive in harlem

mehitabel joins the navy

expenses going up

and income going down

but wotthehell do i care

the sailors are in town

a tom cat off a cruiser

was seeing of the city

says he between his whiskers

hello my pretty kitty

oh i am pure and careful

in manner well instructed

i ve seldom spoke to strangers

and seldom been abducted

so i replied discreetly

aint you the nervy guy

how dare you brace a lady

so innocent and shy

oh look he said our warships

have all their flags unfurled

oh come and join the navy

and we will see the world

but the first place that he took me

was not a ship at all

it was a dive in harlem

where they hailed him admiral

a loud shebeen in harlem

which flowed with song and cheer

and we danced upon the tables

for oysters stewed in beer

the second place he took me

he had been there before

we danced for smelt and fishballs

and they called him commodore

twas down in coney island

they named me puss cafe

as we danced among the bottles

for cream and gin frappe

my room rent keeps a mounting

and credit going down

but wotthehell do i care

the sailors are in town

the next place that we landed

he done a noble deed

he sliced the eye from a fresh wharf cat

who tried to make my speed

avast you swabs and lubbers

when a sailor says ahoy

tis a patriotic duty

to give the navy joy

oh i always am the lady

discreet as well as gay

but the next place that he took me

the devil was to pay

for we seen the icebox open

and tried to raid the loot

and the next we knew we was out in the street

ahead of the barkeep s boot

but wotthehell do i care

i neither whine nor fret

what though my spine is out of line

there s a dance in the old dame yet

i would not desert the navy

nor leave it in the lurch

though each place that he took me

was less and less like a church

and now the fleet is sailing

with all its flags unfurled

and five little kittens with anchor marks

are tagging me round through the alleys and parks

but i have seen the world

oh my maternal instinct

has proved to be my curse

it started when i was an ingenue

and went from bad to worse

but wotthehell do i care

whether its tom or bill

for any sailor off of the fleet

there s a dance in the old dame still

mehitabel the cat

what is a lady

mehitabel has

asseverated that

she is a lady

now to decide a bet

will you please

let her tell us

what constitutes

a lady

she must be

an authority on

the subject or else

you would not

print an account

of her doings which seem

to some of us girls

inconsistent with the

standards of

highly respectable conduct

that prevail in this

midvictorian village of

westport conn

i don t know

how it ever got

a name like that

for there ain t anything

sporty about it except it s name

and only half of that

but us girls

want to be ladies and

live up to our

village ideals in

that respect

so please let

mehitabel tell us

what constitutes a lady

and is it

possible for a lady

to be a cat

give my love

to darling archy

  yours truly

lady bug

p s

do real ladies

smoke pipes

or drink cocktails

or other alcoholic

beverages

or go joy riding

or have

petting parties

or wear onepiece

bathing costumes

where anybody

can see them

or do they instead

knock their

friends and

neighbors every

chance they get

and take a great

interest in civic

affairs and local

politics and

go around

doing good

and being

gracious to

their inferiors

The answer is yes and no.

he is not true to me what shall i do

archy denies it

dear sir i view with alarm

and it breaks my heart to see it

that archy is associating

with that hussy mehitabel

you must know that he

is my affinity

and my affianced lover

and now he has been going

around with

that disreputable old cat

and he

is not true

to me

what shall i do

i ask you

i am a nice girl

i live in a lovely rosebush

and when we got married

i thought archy would

live at home with me and mama

i am afraid now i will have to break

my engagement

as well as my heart

and i will burn up my

wedding dress which is

beautiful red with polka dots

my life is wrecked

my happiness blighted

o how could he be so false

lady bug

When this serious charge was called to the attention of Archy he hopped over to the typewriter and bumped out the following reply:

this is the sort of thing

that happens to people

who get their

names in the papers

that is all

the comment i care

to make

archy

a farewell

archy

i cant believe

you are the hen hater

you profess

you are too handsome

i saw you

the day you walked down

fifth avenue

heading the roach delegation

you were magnificent

as the sun s rays

glinted off

your bronzed back

and your speech was beautiful

about adequate housing

conditions

and better treatment

for stranger cockroaches

within thy gates

but never mind

i will write no more

yet whenever i hear

your name mentioned

i shall be seized in the grasp

of a great grief

thinking what might have been

if you had only known

how really charming

i am

i have letters

from my first two husbands

to prove it

which i have always

kept

farewell

jennie

Archy, touched to the quick by the above epistle—and so ignorant of feminine wiles that he does not know the females of all species are most dangerous when they appear to retreat—dictated the following reply:

poor thing i wonder

if it would not be

a kindness to

walk by her house

and let her just

look at me

once more

poor thing

archy

archy still in trouble

archy

believe me

i don t quite

know how to thank you

for your generous emotion

over my unfortunate regard

but i beg of you

not to permit this melancholy

to disturb you unduly

i shall be strong

and shall throw myself

into my work

inspired by the thoughts

of my happy children

for i am a good mother

not like

mehitabel

jennie

p s on Wednesdays at four

we have tea and nice cakes

at our house

should you care to come

i can promise you

food

that can be trusted

how welcome

you would be

p s no 2

my ancestors

came over on the may flower

To which Archy dictated the following reply:

say doesnt

she know when

she has been ignored

archy

the feline tribe were worshipped in ancient egypt

not any proof

mehitabel the cat

tells me the feline

tribe were worshipped

in ancient egypt

and for that reason i

should hold her in more

respect

well says i

minerva burst from

the head of jove

with a heluva yell

but that does not prove

that we should

stand in awe

of every case of

mastoiditis

archy

go to the country and become grasshoppers

statesmanship

i was talking

with an insect the

other day about the

hard times that

cockroaches have to

get a living every

mans hand is against them

and occasionally his

foot meals

are few and far between

why in the world

says this

insect do you not

go to the country and become

grasshoppers if

living in town and being

cockroaches is getting

too difficult for you

i was astonished

at the simplicity of the

solution but as i

thought it over it occurred

to me that

perhaps it sounded more

statesmanlike than it

really was

how i asked him are

cockroaches to become

grasshoppers

that is a mere

detail he said which i

leave to you for

solution i have outlined

the general scheme for your

salvation so do not ask

me to settle the mere

details i trust to you for

that you must do

something for yourself

we philosophers cannot do it all

for you unaided you

must learn self help

but alas i fear that

your inherent stupidity will

balk all efforts

to improve your condition

boss i offer you

this little story

for what it is worth

if you are able to

find in it something

analogous to a number

of easy schemes

for the improvement of the

human race you

may do immense good by

printing it

yours for reform

archy

a ragout where i may drop in for a warm bath and a bite to eat

spring

i get about

a good deal

among the insects

especially when

spring arrives

and yesterday

i heard an

argument between

an early cricket

and a busy bee

the cricket spoke

in part as follows

the harps of spring

are in the air

the blackbird

sings

i do not care

a damn if school

keeps in

or not

the jonquil says

all work is rot

the pollywog

has hours to spare

let us rejoice

and from us tear

in glee

our winter

underwear

and let us

dance

and let us

swat

the harps of spring

considering

the lilies there

how do the wicked

ploughmen dare

to lard

their fields with sweav

and plot

increase of gear

by toil begot

we scorn them

we that dance

and bear

the harps of spring

to which the

little busy bee

retorted hummingly

you bards and birds

make such a din

when april s

heedless days begin

flouting

all honest industry

all providence

and husbandry

from every

flower thatched

wayside inn

though heaven

may forgive your sin

of mockery

yet none may win

earth s pardon

for such levity

you bards

and birds

when winter s

sleets

pierce plume and skin

then comes

the ploughman s turn

to grin

by hearth logs

blazing merrily

and feasting burghers

laugh to see

such piping tune fools

cold and thin

you bards and birds

the argument

is one that

does not touch me

personally

no matter what

the season

i can always find

a ragout

where i may drop in

for a warm bath

and a bite to eat

archy the cockroach

the author s desk

i climbed upon my boss his desk

to type a flaming ballad

and there i found a heap grotesque

of socks and songs and salad

some swedenborgian dope on hell

with modernistic hunches

remnants of plays that would not jell

and old forgotten lunches

a plate once flushed with pride and pie

now chill with pallid verses

a corkless jug of ink hard by

sobbed out its life with curses

six sad bedraggled things lay there

inertly as dead cats

three sexless rhymes that could not pair

and three discouraged spats

the feet of song be tender things

like to the feet of waiters

and need when winter bites and stings

sesquipedalian gaiters

peter the pup sprawled on the heap

disputing all approaches

or growled and grumbled in his sleep

or waked and snapped at roaches

i found a treatise on the soul

which bragged it undefeated

and a bill for thirteen tons of coal

by fate left unreceipted

books on the modern girl s advance

wrapped in a cutey sark

with honi soit qui mal y pense

worked for its laundry mark

mid broken glass the spider slinks

while memories stir and glow

of olden happy far off drinks

and bottles long ago

such is the litter at the root

of song and story rising

or noisome pipe or cast off boot

feeding and fertilizing

as lilies burgeon from the dirt

into the golden day

dud epic and lost undershirt

survive times slow decay

still burrowing far and deep i found

a razor coldly soapy

and at the center of the mound

some most surprising opi

some modest pages chaste and shy

for pocket poke or sporran

written by archy published by

doubleday and doran

archy the cockroach

what the ants are saying

dear boss i was talking with an ant

the other day

and he handed me a lot of

gossip which ants the world around

are chewing over among themselves

i pass it on to you

in the hope that you may relay it to other

human beings and hurt their feelings with it

no insect likes human beings

and if you think you can see why

the only reason i tolerate you is because

you seem less human to me than most of them

here is what the ants are saying

it wont be long now it wont be long

man is making deserts of the earth

it wont be long now

before man will have used it up

so that nothing but ants

and centipedes and scorpions

can find a living on it

man has oppressed us for a million years

but he goes on steadily

cutting the ground from under

his own feet making deserts deserts deserts

we ants remember

and have it all recorded

in our tribal lore

when gobi was a paradise

swarming with men and rich

in human prosperity

it is a desert now and the home

of scorpions ants and centipedes

what man calls civilization

always results in deserts

man is never on the square

he uses up the fat and greenery of the earth

each generation wastes a little more

of the future with greed and lust for riches

north africa was once a garden spot

and then came carthage and rome

and despoiled the storehouse

and now you have sahara

sahara ants and centipedes

toltecs and aztecs had a mighty

civilization on this continent

but they robbed the soil and wasted nature

and now you have deserts scorpions ants and centipedes

and the deserts of the near east

followed egypt and babylon and assyria

and persia and rome and the turk

the ant is the inheritor of tamerlane

and the scorpion succeeds the caesars

america was once a paradise

of timberland and stream

but it is dying because of the greed

and money lust of a thousand little kings

who slashed the timber all to hell

and would not be controlled

and changed the climate

and stole the rainfall from posterity

and it wont be long now

it wont be long

till everything is desert

from the alleghenies to the rockies

the deserts are coming

the deserts are spreading

the springs and streams are drying up

one day the mississippi itself

will be a bed of sand

ants and scorpions and centipedes

shall inherit the earth

men talk of money and industry

of hard times and recoveries

of finance and economics

but the ants wait and the scorpions wait

for while men talk they are making deserts all the time

getting the world ready for the conquering ant

drought and erosion and desert

because men cannot learn

rainfall passing off in flood and freshet

and carrying good soil with it

because there are no longer forests

to withhold the water in

the billion meticulations of the roots

it wont be long now it won’t be long

till earth is barren as the moon

and sapless as a mumbled bone

dear boss i relay this information

without any fear that humanity

will take warning and reform

archy