Suggestions for a workable device will be thankfully received. As it is Archy has to climb upon the frame of the typewriter and jump with all his weight upon the keys, a key at a time, and it is only by almost incredible exertions that he is able to drag the paper forward so he can start a new line.

CAPITALS AT LAST

archy protests

say comma boss comma capital

i apostrophe m getting tired of

being joshed about my

punctuation period capital t followed by

he idea seems to be

that capital i apostrophe m

ignorant where punctuation

is concerned period capital n followed by

o such thing semi

colon the fact is that

the mechanical exigencies of

the case prevent my use of

all the characters on the

typewriter keyboard period

capital i apostrophe m

doing the best capital

i can under difficulties semi colon

and capital i apostrophe m

grieved at the unkindness

of the criticism period please

consider that my name

is signed in small

caps period

archy period

CAPITALS AT LAST

I THOUGHT THAT SOME HISTORIC DAY

SHIFT KEYS WOULD LOCK IN SUCH A WAY

THAT MY POETIC FEET WOULD FALL

UPON EACH CLICKING CAPITAL

AND NOW FROM KEY TO KEY I CLIMB

TO WRITE MY GRATITUDE IN RHYME

YOU LITTLE KNOW WITH WHAT DELIGHT

THROUGHOUT THE LONG AND LONELY NIGHT

I’VE KICKED AND BUTTED (FOOT AND BEAN)

AGAINST THE KEYS OF YOUR MACHINE

TO TELL THE MOVING TALE OF ALL

THAT TO A COCKROACH MAY BEFALL

INDEED IF I COULD NOT HAVE HAD

SUCH OCCUPATION I’D BE MAD

AH FOR A SOUL LIKE MINE TO DWELL

WITHIN A COCKROACH THAT IS HELL

TO SCURRY FROM THE PLAYFUL CAT

TO DODGE THE INSECT EATING RAT

THE HUNGRY SPIDER TO EVADE

THE MOUSE THAT %)?))””” $$$((gee boss

what a jolt that cat mehitabel made

a jump for me

i got away but she unlocked the shift key

it kicked me right into the

mechanism where she

couldn’t reach me it

was nearly the death of little

archy that kick spurned me right

out of parnassus back into

the vers libre slums i lay

in behind the wires for an hour after

she left before i dared to get

out and finish i hate

cats say boss please lock the shift

key tight some night

i would like to tell the story of

my life all in capital

letters

archy

the stuff of literature

thank your friends for me for

all their good advice about how to

work your typewriter but what i have

always claimed is that manners and methods

are no great matter compared

with thoughts in poetry you cant hide

gems of thought so they wont flash

on the world on the other hand if you press

agent poor stuff that wont make it live

my ego will express itself in spite of

all mechanical obstacles having something

to say is the thing being sincere

counts for more than forms of expression thanks

for the doughnuts

archy

a meal for every goat

archy s autobiography

if all the verse what I have wrote

were boiled together in a kettle

twould make a meal for every goat

from nome to popocatapetl

mexico

and all the prose what I have penned

if laid together end to end

would reach from russia to south bend

indiana

but all the money what I saved

from all them works at which i slaved

is not enough to get me shaved

every morning

and all the dams which i care

if heaped together in the air

would not reach much of anywhere

they wouldnt

because i dont shave every day

and i write for arts sake anyway

and always hate to take my pay

i loathe it

and all of you who credit that

could sit down on an opera hat

and never crush the darn thing flat

you skeptics

archy

quote and only man is vile quote

as a representative

of the insect world

i have often wondered

on what man bases his claims

to superiority

everything he knows he has had

to learn whereas we insects are born

knowing everything we need to know

for instance man had to invent

airplanes before he could fly

but if a fly cannot fly

as soon as he is hatched

his parents kick him out and disown him

i should describe the human race

as a strange species of bipeds

who cannot run fast enough

to collect the money

which they owe themselves

as far as government is concerned

men after thousands of years practice

are not as well organized socially

as the average ant hill or beehive

they cannot build dwellings

as beautiful as a spiders web

and i never saw a city

full of men manage to be as happy

as a congregation of mosquitoes

who have discovered a fat man

on a camping trip

as far as personal beauty

is concerned who ever saw

man woman or child

who could compete with a butterfly

if you tell a dancer

that she is a firefly

she is complimented

a musical composer

is all puffed up with pride

if he can catch the spirit

of a summer night full of crickets

man cannot even make war

with the efficiency and generalship

of an army of warrior ants

and he has done little else

but make war for centuries

make war and wonder

how he is going to pay for it

man is a queer looking gink

who uses what brains he has

to get himself into trouble with

and then blames it on the fates

the only invention man ever made

which we insects do not have

is money and he gives up

everything else to get money

and then discovers that it is not worth

what he gave up to get it

in his envy he invents

insect exterminators

but in time every city he builds

is eaten down by insects

what i ask you is babylon now

it is the habitation of fleas

also nineveh and tyre

humanitys culture consists

in sitting down in circles

and passing the word around

about how darned smart humanity is

i wish you would tell

the furnace man at your house

to put out some new brand

of roach paste i do not get

any kick any more out of the brand

he has been using the last year

formerly it pepped me up

and stimulated me

i have a strange tale about

mehitabel to tell you

more anon

archy

investigating her morals

mehitabel s morals

boss i got

a message from

mehitabel the cat

the other day

brought me by

a cockroach

she asks for our help

it seems she is being

held at ellis

island while an

investigation is made

of her morals

she left the country

and now it looks as

if she might not

be able to get

back in again

she cannot see

why they are

investigating

her morals she says

wotthehellbill she says

i never claimed

i had any morals

she has always regarded

morals as an unnecessary

complication in life

her theory is

that they take up room that might

better be devoted to

something more interesting

live while you are alive

she says and postpone

morality to the hereafter

everything in its place

is my rule she says

but i am liberal she

says i do not give

a damn how moral other

people are i never try

to interfere with them

in fact i prefer them

moral they furnish

a background for my

vivacity in the meantime

it looks as if she

would have to swim

if she gets ashore and

the water is cold

archy

cream de la cream

well boss mehitabel the cat

has turned up again after a long

absence she declines

to explain her movements but she

drops out dark hints of a

most melodramatic nature ups and downs

archy she says always ups and downs

that is what my life has

been one day lapping

up the cream de la cream and the

next skirmishing for

fish heads in an alley but

toujours gai archy toujours gai no

matter how the luck broke i have had a

most romantic life archy talk

about reincarnation and transmigration

archy why i could tell you things of who

i used to be archy that would make

your eyes stick out like a snails one

incarnation queening it with a tarara on

my bean as cleopatra archy and

the next being abducted as a poor

working girl but toujours gai archy toujours

gai and finally my soul has migrated to

the body of a cat and not even a persian or

a maltese at that but where have you been

lately mehitabel i asked her never mind

archy she says dont ask no questions

and i will tell no lies all i

got to say to keep away

from the movies have you been in the

movies mehitabel i asked her never mind

archy she says never mind all i got to

say is keep away from those

movie camps theres some mighty

nice people and animals connected with them

and then again theres some that aint i

say nothing against anybody archy i am

used to ups and downs no matter

how luck breaks its toujours gai

with me all i got to say

archy is that sometimes a cat

comes along that is a perfect gentleman and

then again some of the slickest furred ones

aint if i was a cat that was the

particular pet of a movie star archy and

slept on a silk cushion and had

white Chinese rats especially

imported for my meals i would try to live

up to all that luxury and be a

gentleman in word and deed mehitabel i said

have you had another unfortunate romance i am

making no complaint against any

one archy she says wottell archy wottell even

if the breaks is bad my motto is toujours gai

but to slip out nights and sing and frolic

under the moon with a lady and then cut her

dead in the day time before your rich

friends and see her batted out of a studio

with a broom without raising a paw for her

aint what i call being a

gentleman archy and i am

a lady archy and i know a gentleman when

i meet one but wottell archy wottell toujours

gai is the word never say die

archy its the cheerful heart that wins all i

got to say is that if i ever get that

fluffy haired slob down on the

water front when some of my gang

is around he will wish he had

watched his step i aint vindictive archy i

dont hold grudges no lady does but i

got friends archy that maybe would take it

up for me theres a black cat with one ear

sliced off lives down around old slip is a

good pal of mine i wouldnt want to

see trouble start archy no real lady

wants a fight to start over her but

sometimes she cant hold her friends back

all i got to say is that boob with his silver

bells around his neck better sidestep old slip

well archy lets not talk any more about my troubles

does the boss ever leave any pieces of sandwich

in the waste paper basket any more honest

archy i would will myself to a furrier for a

pair of oysters i could even she says eat you

archy she said it like a joke but there

was a kind of a pondering look in her eyes

o i just crawled into the inside of

your typewriter behind the wires it

seemed safer let her hustle for a

mouse if she is as hungry as all that

but i am afraid she never will she

is too romantic to work

archy

do not pity mehitabel

do not pity

mehitabel

she is having

her own kind of

a good time

in her own way

she would not

understand any other

sort of life

but the life

she has chosen

to lead

she was predestined

to it as the

sparks fly upward

chacun au son gout

as they say in france

start her in

as a kitten

and she would

repeat the same story

and do not overlook

the fact that

mehitabel is really

proud of herself

she enjoys

her own sufferings

archy

are you abducting me percy

mehitabel tries companionate marriage

boss i have seen mehitabel the cat

again and she has just been through

another matrimonial experience

she said in part as follows

i am always the sap archy

always the good natured simp

always believing in the good intentions

of those deceitful tom cats

always getting married at leisure

and repenting in haste

its wrong for an artist to marry

a free spirit has gotta

live her own life

about three months ago along came a

maltese torn with a black heart and

silver bells on his neck and says

mehitabel be mine

are you abducting me percy i asks him

no said he i am offering marriage

honorable up to date

companionate marriage

listen i said if its marriage

theres a catch in it somewheres

ive been married again and again

and its been my experience

that any kind of marriage

means just one dam kitten after another

and domesticity always ruins my art

but this companionate marriage says he

is all assets and no liabilities

its something new mehitabel

be mine mehitabel and i promise

a life of open ice boxes

creamed fish and catnip

well i said wotthehell kid

if its something new i will take a

chance theres a dance or two

in the old dame yet

i will try any kind of marriage once

you look like a gentleman to me percy

well archy i was wrong as usual

i wont go into details for i aint

any tabloid newspaper

but the way it worked out was i rustled

grub for that low lived bum for two

months and when the kittens came

he left me flat and he says these

offsprings dissolves the wedding

i am always the lady archy

i didn t do anything vulgar

i removed his left eye with one claw

and i says to him if i wasn t an

aristocrat id rip you

from gehenna to duodenum

the next four flusher that

says marriage to me

i may really lose my temper

trial marriage or companionate

marriage or old fashioned american

plan three meals a day marriage

with no thursdays off

they are all the same thing

marriage is marriage

and you cant laugh that curse off

archy

no social stuff for mehitabel

i said to mehitabel

the cat i suppose you are

going to the swell cat

show i am not archy

said she i have as

much lineage as any

of those society

cats but i never could

see the conventional

social stuff archy

i am a lady

but i am bohemian

too archy i

live my own life

no bells and pink

ribbons for me

archy it is me for

the life romantic i could

walk right into

that cat show and get

away with it

archy none of those

maltese princesses has

anything on me in the

way of hauteur

or birth either or any

of the aristocratic

fixings and condiments

that mark the

cats of lady clara

vere de vere but

it bores me archy

me for the

wide open spaces the

alley serenade and

the moonlight

sonata on the back

fences i would

rather kill my own

rats and share

them with a

friend from greenwich

village than lap up

cream or beef juice

from a silver porringer

and have to

be polite to the

bourgeois clans

that feed me

wot the hell i

feel superior to that

stupid bunch me

for a dance

across the roofs when

the red star

calls to my blood

none of your

pretty puss stuff for

mehitabel it would

give me a grouch

to have to be so

solemn toujours

gai archy toujours

gai is my

motto

archy

a cow who has the gift of milking herself

the open spaces are too open

boss i saw mehitabel

the cat yesterday she is

back in town after

spending a couple

of weeks

in the country

archy she says to me

i will never leave the

city again no

matter what the weather

may be me for the

cobble stones and the

asphalt and the friendly

alleys the great open

spaces are all right but

they are too open i have been

living on a diet of

open spaces the country is

all right if you have a trained

human family to rustle

up the eats for you or know

a cow who has the

gift of milking herself for

your benefit but archy

i am a city lady

i was never educated to dig for

field mice and as for calling

birds out of the trees i dont

have the musical

education for it i cant

even imitate a cat bird

i will take my chance

hereafter with the garbage

cans in town until

such times as i decorate

a rubbish heap myself

that may not be long archy

but wot the hell

i have had a good time while

i lasted come easy go easy

archy that is my motto

i tried to snatch a bone

from a terrier a month

ago and the beast bit my front

paw nearly off

but wot the hell archy

wot the hell i can still

dance a merry step or two

on three legs i am

slightly disabled archy but

still in the ring and still

i have the class wot the

hell archy i am always

a lady and always gay

and i got one eye out of

that terrier at that

i would be afraid that

mehitabel s end is not far off

if she had not been looking

as bad as she does for

at least three years

she says it is her

romantic disposition

that keeps her young

and yet i think if some

cheerful musical family

in good circumstances were to

offer mehitabel a home

where she would be treated in

all ways as one of the family

she has reached the point where

she might consent to give up

living her own life

only three legs archy she says

to me only three legs left

but wot the hell archy

there s a dance in the old

dame yet

archy

random thoughts by archy

one thing that

shows that

insects are

superior to men

is the fact that

insects run their

affairs without

political campaigns

elections and so forth

a man thinks

he amounts to a lot

but to a mosquito

a man is

merely

something to eat

i have noticed

that when

chickens quit

quarrelling over their

food they often

find that there is

enough for all of them

i wonder if

it might not

be the same way

with the

human race

germs are very

objectionable to men

but a germ

thinks of a man

as only the swamp

in which

he has to live

a louse i

used to know

told me that

millionaires and

bums tasted

about alike

to him

the trouble with

most people is

that they

lose their sense of

proportion

of what use is

it for a

queen bee to fall in

love with a bull

what is all this mystery

about the sphinx

that has troubled so many

illustrious men

no doubt the very same

thoughts she thinks

are thought every day

by some obscure hen

archy

archy s song

man eats the big fish

the big fish eat the

little fish

the little fish

eat insects

in the water

the water insects

eat the water plants

the water plants

eat mud

mud eats man

my favorite poem

is the same as

abraham lincolns

o why should the spirit

of mortal be proud

awaiting your answer

i am and so forth

archy

the waiter plucked me out

archy turns revolutionist

if all the bugs

in all the worlds

twixt earth and betelgoose

should sharpen up

their little stings

and turn their feelings loose

they soon would show

all human beans

in saturn

earth

or mars

their relative significance

among the spinning stars

man is so proud

the haughty simp

so hard for to approach

and he looks down

with such an air

on spider

midge

or roach

the supercilious silliness

of this poor wingless bird

is cosmically comical

and stellarly absurd

his scutellated occiput

has holes somewhere inside

and there no doubt

two pints or so

of scrambled brains reside

if all the bugs

of all the stars

should sting him on the dome

they might pierce through

that osseous rind

and find the brains at home

and in the convolutions lay

an egg with fancies fraught

which

germinating rapidly

might turn into a thought

might turn into the thought

that men

and insects are the same

both transient flecks

of starry dust

that out of nothing came

the planets are

what atoms are

and neither more nor less

man s feet have grown

so big that he

forgets his littleness

the things he thinks

are only things

that insects always knew

the things he does

are stunts that we

don t have to think to do

he spent a score

of centuries

in getting feeble wings

which we instinctively

acquired

with other trivial things

the day is coming

very soon

when man and all his race

must cast their silly

pride aside

and take the second place

i ll take the bugs

of all the stars

and tell them of my plan

and fling them with

their myriad stings

against the tyrant man

dear boss this outburst

is the result

of a personal insult

as so much verse always is

maybe you know how

that is yourself

i dropped into an irish

stew in a restaurant

the other evening

for a warm bath and a bite

to eat and a low browed

waiter plucked me out

and said to me

if you must eat i will

lead you to the

food i have especially prepared

for you and he took me

to the kitchen

and tried to make me

fill myself with

a poisonous concoction

known cynically as roach food

can you wonder

that my anger

against the whole human

race has blazed forth in

song when the revolution

comes i shall

do my best to save

you you have so many

points that are far

from being human

archy

archy s last name

boss i just discovered what

my last name is i

pass it on to you i belong to the

family of the blattidae right o

said mehitabel the cat when i told her

about it they have

got you sized up right you blatt out

everything you hear

i gleaned the information from

a bulletin issued by the

united states department of

agriculture which you left on the

floor by your desk it was entitled

cockroaches and written by

e l marlatt entomologist and acting

chief in the absence of the chief and he

tells a dozen ways of killing roaches boss

what business has the united states

government got

to sick a high salaried

expert onto a poor little roach

please leave me some

more cheerful literature also please

get your typewriter fixed the keys are

working hard again butting them as i

do one at a time with

my head i get awful pains in my

neck writing for you

archy

quote buns by great men quote

one of the most

pathetic things i

have seen recently

was an intoxicated person

trying to fall

down a moving stairway

it was the escalator at

the thirty fourth street

side of the

Pennsylvania station

he could not fall down as

fast as it

carried him up again but

he was game he kept on

trying he was

stubborn about it

evidently it was a part of

his tradition habit and

training always to fall down

stairs when intoxicated and

he did not intend to

be defeated this time i

watched him for an hour

and moved sadly away thinking

how much sorrow

drink is responsible for the

buns by great men

reached and kept

are not attained

by sudden flight but they

while their companions slept

were falling upwards

through the night

archy

an awful warning

dear boss i was walking along

the curbstone yesterday

and i ran spang into an old bum

who was sitting happily

in the gutter singing

in part as follows

oh i ruined my prospects

by wicked desires

which i put into action

as far as i could

but now i ve arrived

within sight of hell fires

and i wish i d done better

i wish i d been good

as i sit in the gutter

and look at the sky

the man in the moon

is a looking at me

and i thinks to myself

i d have risen that high

if i had behaved myself

proper as he

now all you young fellows

and pretty young janes

as passes me by

and dont pitch me a dime

take warning by me

and avoid all the pains

which comes from remorse

in the fullness of time

and all you young fellows

thats out on a bust

and lively young flappers

so spic and so span

i oncet had a sweetheart

and me she did trust

to maintain myself always

a proper young man

i was lured to a barroom

and there i was tempted

for the bartender cried

be a man and drink rum

and after that first

glass of liquor i emptied

i found myself jobless

and went on the bum

now all you young fellows

and flappers so gay

that passes me by

and dont toss me a cent

there oncet was a time

when i went on my way

with ladylike janes

like an elegant gent

now i sits in the gutter

and looks at the stars

and wish i had always

behaved and been good

and never drunk rum

at them elegant bars

and never been wicked

as much as i could

you gents and your girl friends

should tip an old man

for his horrid example

of not being good

you must try and behave

in so far as you can

you should toss me a dime

for my warning you should

archy

may emulate the tumble bug

as it looks to archy

ants go on their cheerful way

merrily from day to day

building cities out of sand

and they seem to understand

dwelling therein peacefully

disciplined and orderly

and the much lauded bee contrives

for to fill his thundering hives

with a ranked society

based on work and honesty

and a thousand neat examples

could i cite of insect lives

free from much that tears and tramples

human beings and their wives

even the coral in the ocean

throughout his dim and damp existence

scorns political commotion

and labors with a glad persistence

worthy of large commendations

to erect his naval stations

man the universal simp

follows lagging with a limp

treading on his neighbors toes

the way the little insect goes

in a million years or more

man may learn the simple lore

of how the bees are organized

and why the ants are civilized

may even hope for to approach

the culture of an average roach

if he is humble and not smug

may emulate the tumble bug

for we insects now inherit

all humanity has builded

all they raised with brawn and spirit

all the domes and spires they gilded

time the anthropophagous

swallows down all human works

through his broad esophagus

moslems christians hindus turks

pass to their sarcophagus

leaving nothing much on earth

which even beetles find of worth

i mention nineveh and tyre

i cite the tower of babel

troy which fell into the fire

and sodom with its rabble

where are all the towns of siddim

where the kings of crete

long long since the desert hid em

and the spiders bite their feet

following an old convention

dating back to jeremiah

i might even mention

babylon i might enquire

where o where is babylon

and the echo answers where

for its former ruling wizards

sleep in sand and silicon

with gravel in their gizzards

and sand burrs in their hair

and the centipedes are dancing

in the chambers of the palace

where the kings and queens entrancing

used to quaff the ruby chalice

and proceed to their romancing

i look forward to the day

when the human race is done

and we insects romp and play

freely underneath the sun

and no roach paste is scattered

about anywhere i got another jolt of it

last night and today i seem to have a case

of intestinal flu the trouble with you

human beings is you are just plain wicked

archy

one of our prominent scientists got a good look at it

archy on the radio

dear boss

i hope you tuned in

last evening when mars and i

were on the radio together

our first joint appearance

in several years

do you realize said mars

that next week will be archy week

all over mars

and several other prominent planets

archy

good gracious mars it had slipped

my memory

mars

do you know that you are

our favorite author here and

mars

did you know about the archy clubs here

archy

i hope they can t throw them this far

what do they look like

mars

like dumbbells ha ha ha

but please tell us how you happened

to start your career as a writer

archy

mars

not long ago one of our prominent

scientists got a good look at it

with a new fangled telescope and

he laughed himself to death crying out

goofus goofus goofus all the time

he said from the way it looked it couldn t

be named anything else but goofus

archy

well if that s the way you feel who was

that lady i seen you walking with last Sunday

mars

that wasn t no lady that was venus

is there any particular message

you would like to send your billions

and billions of admirers in these parts

archy

oh yes tell them

this hour is by the courtesy

of the knockem cold roach and bug killing company

and that i wish to testify

that their product has several times

brought me personally nearer the great adventure

than any other roach paste i ever ate

i always carry a flask of bath tub gin with me

as an antidote

mars

will you describe yourself for your

worshipers here

archy

i am over six feet and go everywhere

mars

who has influenced you most in a

literary way

archy

theodore dreiser and bernard shaw

they taught me how far an author can go

if he never loses patience with himself

mars

archy it is impossible that you should

during the depression

and the women and children pick up

what they can by listening

how is it by yourself old timer

mars

we never had to do any work here

we get our living by biting electrons out of the air

which we crack with our teeth

and eat the kernels while we spit

the shells into space which accounts

for a lot of the static you hear

archy

that not only interests me as a scientist

but it seems much more refined than

working for a living

mars

yes it is refined all right but it is

expensive it runs into terrible dentists bills

archy

but dentists bills are always terrible

everywhere anyhow

mars

wait till i write that down please

do you have to think a long time

for those brilliant things

or do they just come to you

archy

i never think at all when i write

nobody can do two things at the same time

and do them both well

mars

are you starting any new literary movements on your planet

archy

oh yes the latest literary movement

consists in going to all the fences

and coal sheds near all the school houses

and copying off of them all the bad words

written there by naughty little boys

over the week ends

and these form the bases of the new novels

of course these novels are kept away

from the young so they will not be contaminated

mars

but where do the boys get the words

archy

from hired hands and the classics

archy

i am in fact becoming a low brow

archy a low brow

boss i saw a picture

of myself in a paper

the other day

writing on a typewriter

with some of my feet

i wish it was as easy

as that what i have to do

is dive at each key

on the machine

and bump it with my head

and sometimes it telescopes

my occiput into my

vertebrae and i have a

permanent callous

on my forehead

i am in fact becoming

a low brow think of it

me with all my learning

to become a low brow

hoping that you

will remain the same

i am as ever your

faithful little bug

archy

mehitabel s parlor story

boss did you

hear about the two drunks

who were riding in

a ford or something

equally comic

and the ford or

whatever it was nearly

went off the

road one of

the drunks poked the

other and said thickly

they always talk thickly in

these stories

anyway he said hey look

out how youre driving

youll have us in

the ditch in a minute if

you dont look out

why said the second

drunk who was drunker

i thought you

were driving i got

that from mehitabel the

cat its the first parlor

story ive ever heard

her tell and ive known

her for five or six

years now

archy

archy s mission

well boss i am

going to quit living

a life of leisure

i have been an idler

and a waster and a

mere poet too long

my conscience has waked up

wish yours would do the same

i am going to have

a moral purpose in my life

hereafter and a cause

i am going to reclaim

cockroaches and teach them

proper ways of living

i am going to see if i cannot

reform insects in general

i have constituted

myself a missionary

extraordinary

and minister

plenipotentiary

and entomological

to bring idealism to

the little struggling brothers

the conditions in the insect

world today would shock

american reformers

if they knew about them

the lives they lead

are scarcely fit to print

i cannot go into

details but the contented

laxness in which i find

them is frightful

a family newspaper is no place

for these revelations

but i am trying to have

printed in paris

for limited circulation

amongst truly earnest

souls a volume which will

be entitled

the truth about the insects

i assure you there is nothing

even in the old testament

as terrible

i shall be the cotton mather

of the boll weevil

archy

you can fry fish on the sidewalk

archy visits washington

washington d c july

23 well boss here

i am in washington

watching my step for fear

some one will push me

into the food bill up

to date i am the only thing

in this country that

has not been added to it by

the time this is

published nothing that

i have said may be

true however which is a

thing that is constantly happening

to thousands of

great journalists now in

washington it is so hot here that

i get stuck in the asphalt

every day on my

way from the senate press

gallery back to

shoemakers where the

affairs of the nation

are habitually settled by

the old settlers it

is so hot that you can

fry fish on the

sidewalk in any part of

town and many people

are here with fish to fry

including now

and then a german

carp i am lodging on

top of the washington

monument where i can

overlook things

you cant keep a good bug

from the top of

the column all the time i

am taking my meals with

the specimens in the

smithsonian institution when i

see any one coming i hold

my breath and look like another

specimen but in the

capitol building there

is no attention paid to me

because there are so

many other insects

around it gives you a

great idea of the

american people when you

see some of the

things they elect after july

27 address me care

st elizabeth hospital

for the insane i am going out

there for a visit with

some of your other

contributors

archy

ballade of the under side

by archy

the roach that scurries

skips and runs

may read far more than those

that fly

i know what family skeletons

within your closets

swing and dry

not that i ever

play the spy

but as in corners

dim i bide

i can t dodge knowledge

though i try

i see things from

the under side

the lordly ones the

haughty ones

with supercilious

heads held high

the up stage stiff

pretentious guns

miss much that meets

my humbler eye

not that i meddle

perk or pry

but i m too small

to feel great pride

and as the pompous world

goes by

i see things from

the under side

above me wheel

the stars and suns

but humans shut

me from the sky

you see their eyes as pure

as nuns

i see their wayward

feet and sly

i own and own it with

a sigh

my point of view

is somewhat wried

i am a pessimistic

guy

i see things from the

under side

l envoi

prince ere you pull a bluff

and lie

before you fake

and play the snide

consider whether

archy s nigh

i see things from

the under side

archy wants to end it all

well boss from time

to time i just simply

get bored with having

to be a cockroach my

soul my real ego if

you get what i mean is

tired of being shut

up in an insects body the

best you can say for it is that it

is unusual and you could

say as much for mumps so

while feeling gloomy the

other night the thought came

to me why not

go on to the next stage as

soon as possible why not

commit suicide and

maybe be reincarnated in

some higher form of life why

not be the captain of my

soul the master of my fate and

the more i pondered over it the

more i was attracted to

the notion well boss you would

be surprised to find

out how hard it is for a

cockroach to commit suicide unless

you have been one

and tried it of course i

could let mehitabel the

cat damage me and die that

way but all my finer sensibilities

revolt at the idea i jumped out

the fourth story window and

a wind caught me and blew

me into the eighth story i

tried to hang myself with a

thread and i am so light i

just swung back and forth and

didnt even choke myself shooting

is out of the question and poison

is not within

my reach i might drown myself

in the ink well but if

you ever got a mouthful of it you

would know it was a

thing no refined person could go

on with boss i am going to

end it all before long and i

want to go easy have you

any suggestion yours

for transmigration

archy

book review

boss a new book

has appeared

which should be

read by every one

it is entitled

the cockroach

its life history

and how to deal

with it and

the author

is frederick laing

who is assistant

in the department

of entomology in the

british museum

of natural history

it is one of the

best books i ever

tasted i am eating

the binding from

a copy with

a great deal of

relish and

recommend it

to all other

insects yours

truly

archy

he used to be a pet of charlemagne

archy and the old un

one of the saddest

creatures i ever saw

was a turtle who said

he was a thousand

years old

no turtle looks very

joyous the style of

architecture peculiar

to the faces and necks of

turtles is such

that even if they were to

feel gay internally

they would find difficulty

in expressing their joy

a kind of melancholy dwells

in the wrinkles of a

turtles neck the only thing

that looks sadder than a turtle

is the little dead fish

that is served in an italian

tabledhote restaurant

well this turtle i am telling you

about was so old that

he used to be a pet

of charlemagne

and he finally committed suicide

he stood on his hind

legs and jumped up

and bit himself on the

forehead and held on until

he died

i wrote a poem

about this turtle

after his death

which goes as follows

why did he die perhaps he knew

too much about

the ways of men and turtles

he had seen too much no doubt

optimist in youth of course

youth never quails

he preached to all his brother turtles

moral turtles turn to whales

but the weary ages passed

and he perceived

turtles still continued turtles

then he doubted disbelieved

brooding for two hundred years

in discontent

he became a snapping turtle

savage cynic in his bent

timon of the turtle tribe

so he withdrew

from the world remarking often

piffle there is nothing true

nothing changes all the salt

that used to be

scattered widely through the ocean

still gives flavor to the sea

nothing changes all the bunk

of long ago

still is swallowed by the nations

progress always stubs its toe

the moral well the morals quite

an easy one

do not live to be a thousand

youll be sorry ere youre done

the only way boss

to keep hope in the world

is to keep changing its

population frequently

i am sorry to be so

pessimistic today

but you see i need a change

very badly

when do we start

for hollywood

i am eager to be gone

i wish to cheer myself

up in some fashion

your faithful little

cockroach

archibald

archygrams

the wood louse sits on a splinter

and sings to the rising sap

aint it awful how winter

lingers in springtimes lap

it is a good

thing not to be too

aristocratic

the oldest and

most pedigreed

families in this

country are the

occupants of various sarcophagi

in the museums

but it is dull associating

with mummies no

matter how royal their

blood used to be when

they had blood

it is like living in

philadelphia

honesty is a good

thing but

it is not profitable to

its possessor

unless it is

kept under control

if you are not

honest at all

everybody hates you

and if you are

absolutely honest

you get martyred.

as i was crawling

through the holes in

a swiss cheese

the other

day it occurred to

me to wonder

what a swiss cheese

would think if

a swiss cheese

could think and after

cogitating for some

time i said to myself

if a swiss cheese

could think

it would think that

a swiss cheese

was the most important

thing in the world

just as everything that

can think at all

does think about itself

these anarchists that

are going to

destroy organized

society and civilization

and everything remind

me of an ant i

knew one time

he was a big red ant a

regular bull of an

ant and he came bulging down a

garden path and ran

into a stone gate post curses on

you said the ant to the

stone gate post get out of my

way but the stone never budged

i will kick you over

said the ant and he kicked but

it only hurt his hind legs

well then said

the ant i will eat you down and

he began taking little bites

in a great rage maybe i said

you will do it in

time but it will

spoil your digestion first

a good many

failures are happy

because they don t

realize it many a

cockroach believes

himself as beautiful

as a butterfly

have a heart o have

a heart and

let them dream on

boss i believe

that the

millennium will

get here some day

but i could

compile quite a list

of persons

who will have

to go

first

tis very seldom i have felt

drawn to a scallop or a smelt

and still more rarely do i feel

love for the sleek electric eel

the oyster is useful in his fashion

but has little pride or passion

when the proud ibexes start from sleep

in the early alpine morns

at once from crag to crag they leap

alighting on their horns

and may a dozen times rebound

ere resting haughty on the ground

i do not like their trivial pride

nor think them truly dignified

did you ever

notice that when

a politician

does get an idea

he usually

gets it all wrong

archy says

one queer thing about

spring gardens is

that so many people

use them to

raise spinach in

instead of food

everybody has two kinds of friends

one kind tries to run

his affairs for him

and the other kind

well i will be darned if i can remember

the other kind

now and then

there is a person born

who is so unlucky

that he runs into accidents

which started out to happen

to somebody else

what kind of angels are they out there

sings of los angeles

boss i see by

the papers there

has been more than

one unconventional

episode

in the far west

and i have made

a little song

as follows

los angeles

the home of the movie star

what kind of angels

are they

out there where you are

los angeles

much must be left

untold

but science says

that freuds rush in

where angels

fear to tread

los angeles

clean up your

movie game

or else o city of angels

you better

change your name

yours for all the morality

that the traffic

will bear

archy

wants to go in the movies

boss i wish you would

make arrangements to put me

into the movies a

lot of people who are no

handsomer in the face than i

am are drawing millions of

dollars a year i

have always felt that i

could act if i

were given the chance and a

truly refined cockroach might

be a novelty but do not pay

any attention to the

wishes of mehitabel the cat along

this line mehitabel

told me the other day that several

firms were bidding against

each other for her

services i would be the greatest

feline vamp in the

history of the screen said

mehitabel wot the hell archy

wot the hell ain t i a

reincarnation of cleopatra and

dont the vamp stuff come quite

natural to me i will say it

does but i have refused all

offers archy up to

date they must pay me

my price the

truth is that mehitabel hasnt a

chance and she is not a

steady character by the way

here is a piece of political news

for you mehitabel tells me that

the cats in greenwich

village and the adjoining

neighborhoods are forming soviets now

they are going in for bolshevism

her soviet she says

meets in washington mews

they are for the nationalization

of all fish markets

archy

140 degrees

the retreat from hollywood

Archy, the Free Verse Cockroach, and Mehitabel the Cat, are on their way back from Hollywood, hitch-hiking. Mehitabel was forcibly ejected at least twice from every moving-picture studio in Hollywood, and nourishes animosity against the art of the cinema. Archy reports that when they left Hollywood Mehitabel and seven platinum-blonde kittens, who were attempting to follow her across the desert … but here is the latest bulletin from Archy:

mehitabels third kitten succumbed

to a scorpion today

poor little thing she said

i suppose the next one will perish

in a sandstorm and the next one

fall into the colorado river

it breaks my heart i am all

maternal instinct next to my art

as a modern dancer mother love is

the strongest thing in me

it is so strong that sometimes life seems to me

to be just one damned kitten

after another

but of course if i get back to broadway

without any kittens i will have more

freedom for my art

and can live my own life again

then she began to practice

dance steps among the cactus

casting fond eyes at a coyote

boss i am afraid

that mehitabels morals are no better

than before she struck hollywood

after all she remarked kittens

are but passing episodes in the life

of a great artist i may have been

given the bums rush from six auto camps

in three days but hells bells

i am still a lady

the loss of that kitten is a terrible grief

but an aristocrat and an artist

must bear up toujours gai

is my motto toujours gai

theres life in the old dame yet

and with that she cut a caper with

the heat at one hundred and forty

degrees fahrenheit

in new mexico where she is gadding about

artists shouldnt have offspring

A bulletin from Archy the Cockroach, who started out last July to hitch-hike from Hollywood to New York with Mehitabel the Cat and Mehitabel’s seven platinum-blonde kittens:

had a great break boss

got a ride on the running board of a car

and caught up with mehitabel

in new mexico where she is gadding about

with a coyote friend

i asked her where the kittens were

kittens said mehitabel kittens

with a puzzled look on her face

why goodness gracious i seem to remember

that i did have some kittens

i hope nothing terrible has happened

to the poor little things but if something has

i suppose they are better off

an artist like me shouldnt really

have offspring it handicaps her career

archy i want you to meet my boy friend

cowboy bill the coyote i call him

i am trying to get him to come to new york

with me and do a burlesque turn

isnt he handsome i said tactfully that he looked

very distinguished to me and all bill said

was nerts insect nerts

archy

could such things be

A bulletin from Archy, who, with Mehitabel the Cat, started out last July to hitch-hike from Hollywood to New York:

well boss here i am back in new york

i got a great break

after walking for months through arizona

i caught a ride on an airplane

and the first person i saw here was mehitabel

who had bummed her way

in a tourist trailer

she is living in shinbone alley

on second hand fish heads she drags away

from the east side markets

and she has some new kittens

they are the most peculiar kittens i ever saw

not the ones she left hollywood with

months ago or anything like them

there are five of these new ones

and they dont mew

they make a noise more like barking

i thought of that coyote she was so friendly with

in the southwest but i did not ask

any tactless questions

boss do you suppose such things could be

archy

trying to get milk

what does a trouper care

A bulletin from Archy, who started weeks ago hitch-hiking cross the country from California to New York, accompanied by Mehitabel and the seven platinum-blonde kittens she acquired in Hollywood:

still somewhere in arizona

sometime in october

sand storm struck us yesterday

i peeped out from under a rock

and saw mehitabel dancing

and singing as follows

ive got a rock in my eye

and a scorpion in my gizzard

but what does an artist care

for a bit of red hot blizzard

my feet are full of cactus

there are blisters in my hair

but howl storm howl

what does a trouper care

i got a thirst like a mummy

i got a desert chill

but cheerio my deario

theres a dance in the old dame still

two more of the kittens disappeared

well i got three left said mehitabel

poor little dears i am afraid

they will never reach broadway

unless they learn how to get milk

from the cactus plants damn them

their appetites are spoiling my figure

a lot of encouragement a dancer gets

from her family i must say

any other artist i know would tell them

to go wean themselves on alkali

and be done with them but my great weakness

is my maternal instinct

boss i made nearly a mile today

before the sand storm blew me back

i hear texas is a thousand miles across

archy

be damned mother dear

Mehitabel the Cat is still living in Shinbone Alley with the strange kittens which arrived shortly after Mehitabel’s arrival from the Southwest. Archy, the Cockroach, says … but let him tell it:

one of mehitabels kittens

licked a bull pup yesterday

and she is very proud

but hang them she says

i cant teach them to fight like cats

i told one of them yesterday

when i left home

i might bring him back

a pretty neck ribbon

if he was a good kitten

and he answered me in a strange voice

ribbon be damned mother dear

what i want is a brass collar

with spikes on it

and another one whom i had been

calling pussy says to me

pussy be damned mother dear

call me fido and another one

who got hold of a ball of catnip

complained it made him

sick at the stomach he says

catnip be damned mother dear

what i want is a bone to gnaw

what do you suppose makes them

act so strange archy

do you suppose i answered her

that prenatal influence

could have anything to do with it

perhaps that is it

she replied innocently

i seem to remember

that i was chased through

arizona and new mexico

by a coyote or did i dream it

i will say you were chased

i told her my advice

is to rent them out

to a dog and pony show

archy

the artist always pays

boss i visited mehitabel last night

at her home in shinbone alley

she sat on a heap of frozen refuse

with those strange new kittens she has

frolicking around her

and sang a little song at the cold moon

which went like this

i have had my ups i have had my downs

i never was nobodys pet

i got a limp in my left hind leg

but theres life in the old dame yet

my first boy friend was a maltese tom

quite handsomely constructed

i trusted him but the first thing i knew

i was practically abducted

then i took up with a persian prince

a cat by no means plain

and that exotic son of a gun

abducted me again

what chance has an innocent kitten got

with the background of a lady

when feline blighters betray her trust

in ways lowlifed and shady

my next boy friend was a yellow bum

who loafed down by the docks

i rustled that gonifs rats for him

and he paid me with hard knocks

i have had my ups i have had my downs

i have led a helluva life

it was all these abductions unsettled my mind

for being somebodys wife

today i am here tomorrow flung

on a scow bound down the bay

but wotthehell o wotthehell

i m a lady thats toujours gai

my next boy friend was a theater cat

a kind of a backstage pet

he taught me to dance and get me right

theres a dance in the old dame yet

my next boy friend he left me flat

with a family and no milk

and i says to him as i lifted his eye

i ll learn ye how to bilk

i have had my ups i have had my downs

i have been through the mill

but in spite of a hundred abductions kid

i am a lady still

my next friend wore a ribbon and bells

but he laughed and left me broke

and i said as i sliced him into scraps

laugh off this little joke

some day my guts will be fiddle strings

but my ghost will dance while they play

for they cant take the pep from the old girls soul

and i am toujours gai

my heart has been broken a thousand times

i have had my downs and ups

but the queerest thing ever happened to me

is these kittens as turned out pups

o wotthehell o toujours gai

i never had time to fret

i danced to whatever tune was played

and theres life in the old dame yet

i have had my ups i have had my downs

i have been through the mill

but i said when i clawed that coyotes face

thank god i am a lady still

and then she added looking at those

extraordinary kittens of hers

archy i wish you would

take a little trip up to the zoo

and see if they have any department there

for odd sizes and new species

i got to find a home

for these damned freaks somewhere

poor little things my heart bleeds for them

it agonizes my maternal instinct

one way or another an artist always pays

archy

yours for rum crime and riot archy

a word from little archibald

thank you

for the mittens

socks and

muffler for me

knitted out of

frogs hair by one

of my admirers which

you so kindly

forwarded i suppose

the reason

i got them was that

they were too

small for you

to wear yourself

yours for rum

crime and riot

archy

archy does his part

the kings of babylon are covered with fleas

prophecies

the papers are full of the prophecies

of preachers professors and laymen

to the effect that this human civilization

is on the way out

and it looks to an insect such as i

very possible

the only thing i wonder about

is why the human species calls it a civilization

human society has never been

as well organized as a hill of ants

or a hive of bees

and all the ancient sites of civilization

are now in the possession of insects

who are far superior in organization

and in their ethical practices

spiders bite the mummified feet

of the pharaohs of egypt

and the kings of babylon are covered with fleas

which they are too defunct to feel

archy the cockroach

repeal

we have had repeal for some months now

and a lot of devoted patriots

have been trying with all their might

to drink the country back into prosperity

and it may have made some improvement

but i have the feeling that something else

will have to be done as well

i am ashamed to say that i dont

feel any surer of what it is

that has to be done

than the economists and financiers

and other experts and wizards who are

at the present moment not doing it

but i do have the feeling that if the people

of the whole world were let alone

and there were no trade restrictions of any sort

or artificial barriers

put between them by their governments

they would speedily find the answer

archy the cockroach

the ballyhoo

every time a european dictator

gets at the end of his string

and cant think of any other ballyhoo

to attract the attention of the people

he begins another attack on the jews

centuries of persecution

have so hardened and sharpened the jew

that he survives his persecutors

and outsteps them and outthinks them

if these guys were smart

they would give the jews a chance

to disintegrate through luxury and ease

instead of which they toughen

the hebraic moral fibre

through the ages and they will wind up

by making the jews in the end

what they were said to be

that is the chosen people

archy the cockroach

the league

if the league of nations

can survive the mutual animosities

of the powers which belong to it

it is safe from the activities

of the countries which stayed outside of it

it furnishes a wonderful mechanism

with which to do what the powers

want to do if they only knew

what they wanted to do

incidentally i wonder why europe of today

is always referred to by highbrow writers

as post war europe

they seem to think that the war

which started in nineteen fourteen

is over with whereas there have been

merely a few brief truces

that war is merely worrying through

its first half century

and will only cease permanently

when a generation comes along

which has forgotten all the old feuds

archy the cockroach

conferences

diplomatists and ambassadors

are rushing hither and yon

from country to country around the world

by train steamer and airplane

by which i judge that there is more trouble

in store for the human species

for i have noticed that conferences

to establish international good will

always break up with another row

there is no hope for the world

unless politicians of all sorts

are completely abolished

you cannot get a millennium by

laying a whole lot of five year plans

end to end if governments would just let people alone

things would straighten out of themselves

in the course of time

archy the cockroach

a warning

i am glad to see business

picking up again but when i hear

that the stock market is on the rise

there is a bit of a chill

creeps over my flush of optimism

for i can remember way back

millions of years back

to the days when the stock market

was up in the stratosphere

in a wild balloon

and it came down without a parachute

if it does that all over again

we will reach a situation

where the hard times of the last few years

will look so good by comparison

that they will resemble

an ice cream party on the pastors lawn

archy the cockroach

now look at it

the human race never would

take my advice

and now just look at it

planning more wars which mean

more debts more trouble and still more wars

well if it wants to commit suicide

why should a little insect such as i

worry about it

a suicide is a person who has

considered his own case and decided

that he is worthless and who acts

as his own judge jury and executioner

and he probably knows better

than anyone else whether there is justice

in the verdict

i am sorry to see the human race go

for it was in some respects almost as interesting

as several species of insects

but if it wants to die off

i shall not worry about it

i shall merely conclude it knows what it wants

archy the cockroach

why the earth is round

the men of science are talking

about the size and shape of the universe again

i thought i had settled that for them

years ago it is as big as you think it is

and it is spherical in shape

can you prove it isnt

it is round like a ball or an orange

providence made it that shape

so it would roll when he kicked it

and if you ask me how i know this

the answer is that that is just what

i would do myself

if there are any other practical

scientific questions you would like

to have answered just write to

archy the cockroach

the big bad wolf

i went to a movie show

the other evening in the cuff

of a friends turned up trousers

and saw the three little pigs

and was greatly edified by the moral lesson

how cruel i said to myself

was the big bad wolf

how superior to wolves are men

the wolf would have eaten those pigs raw

and even alive

whereas a man would have kindly

cut their throats

and lovingly made them into

country sausage spare ribs and pigs knuckles

he would tenderly have roasted them

fried them and boiled them

cooked them feelingly with charity

towards all and malice towards none

and piously eaten them served with sauerkraut

and other trimmings

it is no wonder that the edible animals

are afraid of wolves and love men so

when a pig is eaten by a wolf

he realizes that something is wrong with the world

but when he is eaten by a man

he must thank god fervently

that he is being useful to a superior being

it must be the same way

with a colored man who is being lynched

he must be grateful that he is being lynched

in a land of freedom and liberty

and not in any of the old world countries

of darkness and oppression

where men are still the victims

of kings iniquity and constipation

we ought all to be grateful in this country

that our wall street robber barons

and crooked international bankers

are such highly respectable citizens

and do so much for the churches

and for charity

and support such noble institutions and foundations

for the welfare of mankind

and are such spiritually minded philanthropists

it would be horrid to be robbed

by the wrong kind of people

if i were a man i would not let

a cannibal eat me unless he showed me

a letter certifying to his character

from the pastor of his church

even our industrial murderers

in this country are usually affiliated

with political parties devoted

to the uplift

the enlightenment and the progress

of humankind

every time i get discouraged

and contemplate suicide

by impersonating a raisin and getting devoured

as part of a piece of pie

i think of our national blessings

and cheer up again

it is indeed

as i have been reading lately

a great period in which to be alive

and it is a cheering thought to think

that god is on the side of the best digestion

your moral little friend

archy the cockroach

abolish bridge

the administration ought to get wise

to one thing about the hard times

and recovery from them

the country was getting along all right

until everybody in it

took up contract bridge in a big way

a few years ago

everybody stopped work and did nothing

but play bridge

and the country hit the chutes

they dont know they are loafing

because there is just enough mental effort

connected with bridge so they can kid themselves

they are busy all the time

and smart and clever as the dickens

when the bridge fever subsides

the country will automatically recover itself

archy the cockroach

small talk

i went into the flea circus

on broadway the other day

and heard a lot of fleas

talking and bragging to each other

one flea had been over to the swell dog show

and was boasting that he had bit

a high priced thoroughbred dog

yeah says another flea

that is nothing to get so proud of

a thoroughbred dog tastes just like a mongrel

i should think you would be more democratic

than to brag about that

go and get a reputation

said a third flea

i went into a circus last spring and bit a lion

i completely conquered him

i made him whine and cringe

he did not bite me back

get out of my way

i am the flea that licked a lion

i said to myself probably

that lion didnt even know he had been bitten

some insects are just like human beings

small talk i said to myself

and went away from there

archy the cockroach

the south pole

it seems admiral byrd has to discove

the south pole all over again

every little while

that comes of not discovering it

hard enough the first time

so it would stay discovered

we insects are superior to you men

in many ways

it would never have occurred to us

that the south pole cared whether it was

discovered or not

the thing that amuses me

is that the country is so busted

that a lot of people have no jobs

or food or clothes or shelter

but there is money enough to keep on

discovering the south pole

over and over again

archy the cockroach

poets

the universe and archy

the inspired cockroach

sat and looked at each other

satirically

you write so many things

about me that are not true

complained the universe

there are so many things

about you which you seem to be

unconscious of yourself said archy

i contain a number of things

which i am trying to forget

rejoined the universe

such as what asked archy

such as cockroaches and poets

replied the universe

you are wrong contended archy

for it is only by working up

the most important part of yourself

into the form of poets

that you get a product capable

of understanding you at all

you poets were always able

to get the better of me

in argument said the universe

and i think that is one thing

that is the matter with you

if you object to my intellect

retorted archy i can only reply

that i got it from you

as well as everything else

that should make you more humble

the two dollars

we insects have the advantage

of the human race in some respects

we dont have to worry all the time

about what a dollar is

and how to get one

i understand from my human friends

that there are two kinds of dollars

being discussed now

one kind would be worth so little

that you couldnt buy anything with it

the other kind would be worth so much

that you couldnt get hold of it

to buy anything with

i talked it over with mehitabel the cat

and she said wotthehell archy

i dont need money myself

as long as i got gentlemen friends

who blow me to meals

mehitabel has no morals

but i like her disposition

archy the cockroach

for reform

dear boss i am

beginning the new year

by lining myself up

with the reformers

and diplomats

cockroaches have always

been fearless

and direct in their

methods defiantly

leaping into the arena

but diplomacy is my

watchword beginning with today

i see that to put

things over i must bore

beneath like the diplomats

and camouflage my autocratic

leanings by singing

loudly about reform

and censorship which brings

me to mehitabel

she wants to break into

the movies i pointed out to her

that will hays might

object to her morals

as she has advertised them

on numerous occasions

to be rather unconventional

wotthehell archy

says mehitabel

aint i reformed now

i see that the best

way to boost mehitabel

may be to denounce her

now and then yours

for diplomacy and reform

archy

a horrid notion

dear boss i am hoping

and praying for the depression

to pass i was in a newspaper

office yesterday eating some nice paste

and i heard the rod and gun editor

saying to his assistant

if times dont get better before long

gentlemen anglers will have to give up

fancy bait and use cockroaches

to catch fish with

please nip this horrid notion

in the bud write at once

to the fish and game commission

archy

archy in washington

Archy, the Famous Cockroach, surveys Washington—and finds the experts running around in circles surveying each other. Here are his views on Money, Radicals, Crop Control, and Whatnot.

I sent Archy down to Washington recently to make a Survey. Everyone else is making Surveys, and they puzzle me a good deal because I can’t understand them. But Archy always uses words which I can comprehend, and I am inclined to trust his judgment on financial, industrial and economic problems. For he has no ax to grind.

Archy returned a little puzzled himself, and his report to me falls naturally into the form of Question and Answer.

QUESTION—Well, Archy, what did you learn?

ANSWER—the first thing i found was a lot of other experts making surveys the government is spending a good deal of time in surveying itself and in surveying the people who are surveying it out in lafayette park survey experts are running around in circles surveying each other

Q.—What about national finances?

A.—i discovered that there are two kinds of dollars being planned dollar number one is to be worth so little that no one can buy anything with it everybody will have it dollar number two will be worth so much that nobody can get hold of one to buy anything with nobody will have it

Q.—How about the industrial and economic situation, generally speaking?

A.—well if you mean how are you going to get rich i can tell you that in a nutshell

Q.—In a what?

A.—you know what i said and i dont want to hear any cheap wisecracks from you

here is how you may get rich

you borrow enough money from one of the government agencies to buy 100,000 acres of land

then you go and tell the government that you are going to plant 100,000 acres of wheat

then the government pays you not to plant it for if all that wheat were raised it would mean more overproduction

then you take the profits from the wheat you did not raise and buy another 100,000 acres of land

this time you tell the government that you are going to plant 100,000 acres of cotton and the government pays you not to

and so on and on it is an endless chain and will result in making everybody wealthy

Q.—But suppose the government will not pay you not to plant it?

A.—then you plant it and that puts the government in an embarrassing position they have to pay you to destroy it after it has been planted

Q.—Where is the government going to get the money to pay everyone for not producing anything?

A.—they are getting it from the dentists

Q.—But where do the dentists get it?

A.—out of the teeth of the public i saw hundreds of thousands of dentists in washington

lanes of them miles long were filing into the basement of the treasury department handing over to the government the gold they had dug out of the teeth of the people

Q.—But are not people going to object to this after while?

A.—not at all it hooks up with the policy of not producing foodstuffs if people are not going to get foodstuffs to eat they have no use for their teeth and the government might just as well have them

Q.—In a general way, how is the recovery program working out?

A.—swell but it is about time we had a program for recovering from the recovery

Q.—What do you think of the danger of a revolution?

A.—so many people think we have already had one that there is little danger of them trying to start it

besides how are you going to revolt against a government when you cant find out what kind of a government it is

suppose you were a radical and started a revolution

you would feel pretty cheap wouldnt you if you found out later that what you had revolted against was just what you had been advocating

the thing that is going to save the country is the fact that no one knows what is the matter with it

after while there will be a general agreement that maybe there isnt anything much the matter with it

Q.—Archy, are you a conservative or a radical?

A.—here dont you ask me that

i got worried almost to the point of insanity asking myself that when i was down in washington finally i decided to end it all i climbed to the top of the washington monument and jumped off to commit suicide but i dont weigh so much i floated to the ground as gently as a snowflake

hell i said whats the use

fate is against me i cant even kill myself

but there are a lot of other experts who are heavier than i am in every sense of the word

and there is the washington monument

they might have better luck and it might prove one of the most popular features of the recovery program

Q.—Did you gain any inkling of the way to abolish industrial troubles?

A.—oh yes that is easy

just abolish industry and there will be no further industrial troubles

Q.—Did you survey Congress?

A.—i didnt like to run any risk of waking it up

Q.—What was your general feeling, after your investigations?

A.—optimistic decidedly so i think what human beings have agreed to call civilization is on its way out not only in this country but all over the world

whatever succeeds it cant be worse and may be better

so many americans had been coming to their state

hold everything

agreements to scrap

naval vessels are what you make them

but if this country

and great britain dont want a war

theyd better cut out

international yacht races

while we are reforming

so many other things

it might not be a bad idea

to begin investigating

the efficiency displayed on passenger

ships

before they burn up or sink

instead of afterward

but of course a simple thing like that

couldnt be done by human beings

it is only ants spiders bees and other

insects

who know how to organize a society

and make it work

i have observed

a queer cycle in human affairs

a boy comes to the city

from the country

when he is twenty years old

and works his nerves into tattered

dishrags

for forty years

just to get money enough

so that he can go and live

in the country again and nurse

his nervous breakdown

i went into a flea circus

on broadway the other day

and overheard a conversation between

two of the performers

human beings said one of the clowns

never seem to understand

that they look just as funny to us fleas

as us fleas look to human beings

dont talk to me

said the ringmaster flea

about human beings

what the hell are they

except something to eat

i do not kick against my fate

i think that life is swell

contentedly i sit and wait

for the world to go to hell

and if by some queer accident

it goes the other way

i ll try and face that strange event

gamely day by day

although privately i dont think

its going anywhere in particular

its just running around in circles

chasing its tail like one

of mehitabel s fool kittens

mehitabel the cat

says she is not scared

by the cleanup in the moving pictures

cheer up says mehitabel

television is coming some time

and who knows but what television

will be lousy and enjoyable

and by the time television is

cleaned up

the pictures will get immoral

again

there is always hope says

mehitabel

if you dont weaken

the artistic purpose

of these periods of reform is

to give

greater zest to the relaxation

which follows

prince gets jail term

says a headline

selfish aristocrat

as if us communists did not need

all the jail room we can get

with a hard winter coming on

and here and there a job

looming up that has to be dodged

new england womens clubs were excited

over a questionnaire

addressed to college girls asking them

if they were interested

in a companion without marriage

or a companion with marriage

a marriage with children

or children without marriage

hells bells said mehitabel the cat

i should think they would be

interested in all of them

though perhaps not at the same time

i am continually shocked and reshocked

at the flaunting depravity of that

careless cat

and yet i suppose she serves a purpose

if there were not always someone

who needed reform and regeneration

the world would get as dull

for us good people

as two honeymoons full

of honeymoon bridge

the country is getting so full

of poor relations

that many persons are purchasing

cars with two rumble seats

i heard two bums

talking yesterday

i am afraid said the first one

that this depression will peter out

before long and we will have

to go to work

cheer up said the second one

we have weathered many

spells

of good times before this

i would almost welcome good

times again

people are so sour nowadays

and the relief agencies are

getting so critical

scab retorted his companion

quitter

the season is approaching

when there will be a lot of

big dinners

to consider what should be

done

about the hungry multitudes

when i was in hollywood

i ran across the ingenious theory

that the japs might make trouble

just because so many

americans had been coming in

to their state of california

archy

archy broadcasts

all they got to do is gang up efficiently among themselves to run their business but they never can stay ganged up they run out on each other

and then after they have run out on each other and caused a crop program to fail they blame somebody else for the failure

i am a great believer in letting every industry run its own affairs if it cannot learn it must perish

the farmers have the greatest natural economic lever-age in the world in human necessity for their products and their failure to utilize it is not a recommendation for extending their political power

you let the farmers alone if they had rather revert to the status of peasants than progress to the status of business men that is their own business

What do you think of inflation?

archy

anything you blow up ought to have a squeaker in it so when deflation comes people will listen to the squeaker and not realize the wind is coming out of the situation

maybe we could get senator bilboa for the squeaker

Announcer:

i think it was a good thing and should be extended five years more every five years indefinitely until it either works or doesnt work which is all you want to know about any plan

but i will say that in a general way i am very hopeful not only about the future but about the past in looking over the past i find a lot of swell things have happened in the history of the world and today i find it far easier to be optimistic about the past than about the future

Announcer:

Are you in favor of Fascism for this country?

archy

well i wouldnt say in favor of it exactly but i guess at that it is a good deal handier than the old type of ice box where the iceman has to drag the ice through the kitchen and leaves little pools of water everywhere and you forget to empty the pan and it spills over and runs down through the ceiling of the room underneath

resurgam

look a here boss this thing

has gotta stop i

appeal to you for protection that

roughneck guy down cellar who

sent up the desiccated remnant of

a common chocolate colored water bug

and put it down by our typewriter

labeled exit archy is a person wholly

devoid of any real human

sensibility it

wasnt even decently preserved frag

mentary if you get what i mean when

my time to exit comes again i am

not going out that way in the cellar of

a printing shop i think i shall be a

humming bird next time or maybe i

shall take on something practical like

being a pawnbroker that depends a good

deal on how i am treated in this place

anyhow i am tired of this kind of

practical joke the reports of my exit

as uncle mark twain said are greatly

exaggerated

archy

the ant bear

the ant bear may be toothless

but scorn not his capacity

his appetite is ruthless

his chief vice is edacity

he boasts without apology

his fad is entomology

archy

two comrades

i was walking in the park

the other day when i heard

a couple of fellows on a bench

exchanging ideas

the government says number one

ought to have these parks

air cooled in summer

yes and heat them in winter

says number two

how much longer says number one

are we going to stand for this

tyranny and oppression

no wonder communism is growing

they paid some friends of mine

not to raise pigs or potatoes

said number two

now i am off relief

and theyve got to pay me

not to raise hell

that sounds good said the other one

why couldnt we organize a racket

along those lines

poney up the jack or we will

become communists

suppose we give it a good patriotic

name like the defenders of

the constitution or something

i see by the papers that they are

going to spend millions for more

new roads

who the hell wants more auto roads

said his friend

there are roads enough now

what the poor man needs is more automobiles

to ride on them

and the government ought to give them to us

and the gasoline too

i refuse to help build roads

unless the government gives me a car

to use on them

they ought to give us chauffeurs too

said the other bum

they gotta give me a car

and a chauffeur or else

i will turn communist

if we could get paid by moscow

for turning communist

and get paid from washington

for not turning communist

it would just exactly suit me

we might weather it through

until good times come again

to hell with good times

said the other one

somebody is always shoving a job at you

in good times

what i used to suffer in good times

would draw tears from a stone

i never did so well in my life

as i have done during the recovery period

if us guys all stick together

we may be able to prevent

the return of good times

i doubt it said his friend

the damned capitalists

will sooner or later

be grinding us down under the

iron heel of prosperity again

boss i am glad i am

only an insect

and dont have to give myself headaches

trying to understand about

finance and economics and prosperity

and relief

archy

new deals and old deals and square deals and ideals

as the spiders wrote it

dear boss i met a spider

the other day in a museum

who gave me a good deal to think

about concerning governmental problems

this spider came of a long line of spiders

who had for thousands of years

inhabited the egyptian pyramids

and the american branch of the family

came over in a sarcophagus

along with the mummy

of one of the pharaohs

the ancient world saw all sorts

of governmental experiments

he said including monarchies

republics communes despotisms

democracies and everything else

but in the end the spiders got them all

thousands and thousands of years of

reforms and recoveries and depressions

and new deals and old deals

and square deals and crooked deals

and ideals and idealists

are wound around with spider webs

all the history of human kind

is written in the clots and filaments

and quaint patterns and ideographs

of spiders

it has been my observation

and experience and that of my family

that nothing human works out well

if you could read the writing

in the spider webs

you could understand the history of

human civilizations and understand

that man always fails because he

is not honest enough to succeed

there are not enough men

continuously on the square with

themselves and with other men

the system of government does not matter

so much the thing that matters

is what men do with any kind of system

they happen to have

many a time a strand of cobweb

has seemed to choke a burly empire to death

but the fact is that it was strangling anyhow

it was hanging itself in its own

crookedness and incompetence

there is no hope for human beings

unless they learn to organize their

social order as efficiently as spiders do

to say nothing of ants and bees

and coral insects

archy

a scarab

A cockroach seventy-four years old has been found in a safe in Atchison—that is, Atchison claims that it is seventy-four years old. We referred this matter to Archy and he informed us:

i doubt if that

is really a cockroach

it sounds to me

more like an

egyptian scarab

cockroaches do not live

that long as a rule

i am the oldest

cockroach i know

and i am only sixty-three come

next michaelmas that is

in my present

incarnation

sell the glasses and make an additional pro fix

archy hunts a job

well boss i went up

to the circus

the other day

and tried to hire

out what do you

want they asked me a

job as an animal

or a job as an artist

an artist said i

what can you do they

said i can

walk the wire i said

either tight or slack

and i can swing

head downward from the

flying trapeze we do not

doubt it they said

but who could see

you at a distance

every one said i if you

gave them telescopes

and opera glasses it

is too expensive said they

to furnish opera

glasses to every one

just to see a cockroach

perform not at all

i said you sell the

glasses and make an

additional profit

you go out and hire

yourself out to a

trained flea outfit

said they we cannot use

you i consider it

an insult i replied to

be classed with

fleas you should consider

it a compliment said they

another word from you

i said and i

wrill die in a barrel

of your lemonade and

queer your show

and with this threat

the interview closed

archy

archy craves amusement

well boss

i am getting the

sandwich now but man

cannot live by buns alone

as the old soak will

learn some day what i want

is amusement i want

to go to the theater at least

once a week from now on

theaters are made

so that those who want to forget

will remember

and those who want to remember

will forget

but i think we need them

as much for fun as

for uplift

archy

fate is unfair

in many places here and

there

i think that fate

is quite unfair

yon centipede upon

the floor

can boast of

tootsies by the score

consider my

distressing fix

my feet are limited

to six

did i a hundred

feet possess

would all that glorious

footfulness

enable me

to stagger less

when i am

overcome by heat

or if i had

a hundred feet

would i

careering oer the floor

stagger

proportionately more

well i suppose

the mind serene

will not tell

destiny its mean

the truly

philosophic mind

will use

such feet as it can find

and follow calmly

fast or slow

the feet it has

where eer they go

archy

at the zoo

speaking of the aquarium i

was up at the zoo the

other day and when i saw all

the humans staring at

the animals i grew thankful that

i am an insect and

not an animal it must be

very embarrassing to

be looked at all the time by an

assorted lot of human beings and

commented upon as if

one were a freak the animals find the

humans just as strange and silly looking

as the humans find the

animals but they

cannot say so and the fact that

they cannot say so

makes them quite angry the leopard

told me that was one thing that

made the wild cat wild as for

himself he says there is

one gink that comes every day and looks

and looks and looks at him i

think said the leopard he

is waiting to see if i ever really do

change my spots

archy

no true friend

listen to me that

fellow who was in to see

you the other day bulling you

about your stuff

is no true friend you got

so proud of yourself on

account of what he

said you gave him a copy

of your book and

autographed it for him i thought

he was a shine so

i hopped into the

cuff of his trousers and

went out with him

he sold that book for

ten cents at a second

hand place and

treated himself to a

drink on the river front

he cursed because if

you had not written your name

in the book he might

have got fifteen cents for

it he said you are an

easy mark

archy

confessions of a glutton

after i ate my dinner then i ate

part of a shoe

i found some archies by a bathroom pipe

and ate them too

i ate some glue

i ate a bone that had got nice and ripe

six weeks buried in the ground

i ate a little mousie that i found

i ate some sawdust from the cellar floor

it tasted sweet

i ate some outcast meat

and some roach paste by the pantry door

and then the missis had some folks to tea

nice folks who petted me

and so i ate

cakes from a plate

i ate some polish that they use

for boots and shoes

and then i went back to the missis swell tea party

i guess i must have eat too hearty

of something maybe cake

for then came the earthquake

you should have seen the missis face

and when the boss came in she said

no wonder that dog hangs his head

he knows hes in disgrace

i am a well intentioned little pup

but sometimes things come up

to get a little dog in bad

and now i feel so very very sad

but the boss said never mind old scout

time wears disgraces out

pete the pup

literary jealousy

dear boss i dont see

why you keep that ugly

boston bull terrier pete

hanging around

eating his head off

in these hard times

he is nothing but a parasite

and he has no morals

he has tried several times

to murder me

archy

When this ill-natured remark was read to Pete the Pup he ambled over to the typewriter, got up on his hind legs and pawed out the following reply:

i coNSIder It beneath

my Dignity to reply

to The sLanders of a Jealous

iNsect who does not

have a pUnctuaTION mark

in a baRRel of him

he is MereLY an archy

i am against anarchy

I AM A CAPITALIST

i wish to remind you however

that ONE STORY WHICH

YOU SOLD ABOUT ME BROUGHT

IN ENOUGH MONEY TO FEED ME

FOR FIVE YEARS AND I DENY

THAT I AM A PARASITE

moreover the time is

coming when you have to choose

between ME AND mehitabel

that lousy cat and when i say

LOusy i do not Mean the word

in iTS sLang SENSE

I mean Lousy in the sense of

a CAT wHo has LICE

pete the pup

pete at the seashore

i ran along the yellow sand

and made the sea gulls fly

i chased them down the waters edge

i chased them up the sky

i ran so hard i ran so fast

i left the spray behind

i chased the flying flecks of foam

and i outran the wind

an airplane sailing overhead

climbed when it heard me bark

i yelped and leapt right at the sun

until the sky grew dark

some little children on the beach

threw sticks and ran with me

o master let us go again

and play beside the sea

pete the pup

pete s theology

god made seas to play beside

and rugs to cover dogs

god made cars for holidays

and beetles under logs

god made kitchens so thered be

dinners to eat and scraps

god made beds so pups could crawl

under them for naps

god made license numbers so theyd find

lost pups and bring them home

god made garbage buckets too

to pry in when you roam

god made tennis shoes to chew

and here and there a hat

but i cant see why god should make

mehitabel the cat

pete the pup

and the cops watching all the time

pete petitions

when we are in the city we must walk

on streets all made of stone

with me upon a leash

and even in the park

i must not frisk or lark

and never run alone

without a muzzle on my jaws

and cops are watching all the time

lest i dig with my claws

and break some of their laws

and if i leap and bark

they act like i was bad

master i want some little towns

like we saw from the car

with meadows all about

where children romp and shout

brooks winding in and out

and nice bugs under stones

gardens to bury bones

and room to rip and race

and birds and cats to chase

trash cans to be tipped over

and grass to lie in and deep clover

and fence posts everywhere

no muzzles and no leashes there

and lots and lots of trees

o master buy a little town

where we can settle down

today o master please

buy me a little town

and a new rubber ball

and an ocean and thats all

right now o master please

pete the pup

pete s holiday

we found a hill all green with grass

and cool with clover bloom

where bees go booming as they pass

boom zoom boom

my master took me in the car

and high upon the hill

we lay and stared up at the clouds

until the day grew chill

and moths came floating from the sky

and shadows stroked the ground

and we lay still and stared and stared

and what do you think we found

we found a star between the clouds

upon the edge of night

but when i jumped and barked at it

it hid itself in fright

then we drove back to town again

with my head on his lap

it tires a dog to scare a star

and then he needs a nap

my master is the same as god

when he thumps with his hand

people bring us hamburg steaks

at any eating stand

o master let us go right now

and find another star

and eat another hamburg steak

at a refreshment bar

pete the pup

a radical flea

dear boss i wish you would speak

to that lazy good for nothing

boston bull terrier of yours

whom you call pete

pete has got the idea lately

that he is a great hunter

i saw him stage a dramatic battle

with a grass hopper yesterday

and he nearly won it too

and this morning he made an entirely

unprovoked attack on me

it was only by retreating into

the mechanism of your typewriter

that i saved my life

some day i will set mehitabel on him

she can lick any bull terrier who ever lived

she will make ribbons out of that pete

and they wont be dog show ribbons either

as for his pretensions to being a thoroughbred

i take no stock in them

i asked a flea of his about it

recently and the flea said

i doubt peters claim to aristocracy

very much he does not look like

an aristocrat to me

and more than that he does not taste like one

i have bit some pretty swell dogs

in my time and i ought to know

if pete is an aristocrat

then i am a bengal tiger

but in hard times like these

a flea has got to put up with

any kind of dog he can get hold of

back in 1928 when things were booming

i wouldnt look at anything

but a dachshund with a pedigree

as long as himself

if the government doesnt start

to putting out a better brand of dogs

at federal expense

a lot of us fleas are going

to turn communist in a big way

if there was any justice in this country

they would give us russian wolf hounds

i find a lot of discontent among

insects in these days

archy

archy and the labor troubles

all right boss

i knuckle under

if you will not

pay me anything

for what i write

then you will not

i will return to the job

just to keep james the spider

out of it but all the

same it is cruel of you

to play upon the

jealousies

and susceptibilities

of artists in that fashion

i do not know how

you expect me to be

merry and bright

with this dull ache

of disillusionment at my

heart and the sharp

pang of hunger

in my stomach

some day i will plunge

into a mince pie

and mingle with its elements

and you will never see

me more and then

maybe you will begin

to appreciate

the poor little cockroach

who slaved that you might

live in comfort

maybe in spite of myself

i will haunt you then

if i were you i would hate

to be haunted by the ghost

of a cockroach

think of it boss

everywhere you looked

to see a spectral cockroach

that none but you knew was

there to pick him from

your shirt front when

others were blind to him

to feel him crawling

on your collar in public

places to be compelled

to brush him from your plate

when you sat down to dine

to pluck him always from the glass

before you dared to drink

to extend your hand

to grab that of some fair

lady and then hesitate and

pick him from her wrist

people would begin to think

you were a little

queer boss and if you

attempted to explain

they would think you still

queerer what in the world

is the matter with you

they would say

oh nothing nothing at all

you would answer

plucking at the air

it will soon pass i merely

thought i saw a cockroach

on your nose madam

suspicions of your sanity

would grow and grow

do you not like that

pudding your hostess would ask

and you would murmur

being taken off your guard

it is very good pudding

indeed i was just

trying not to eat

the cockroach

boss i do not make

any threats at all

i just simply state what

may very well happen to

you through remorse if you

drive me to suicide

i will try not to

haunt you boss because

i am loving and forgiving

in my spirit but who

knows that i will not be

compelled to haunt you

in spite of myself

a hard heart will not get

you anything boss

remember the plagues

of egypt perhaps to

your remorseful mind i

will be multiplied

by millions i am giving

you a last chance to

repent you should be glad

that i am only a cockroach

and not a tarantula

yours prophetically

archy

an ultimatum

boss this is my

ultimatum unless you have

made arrangements

for more regular meals for

me by monday

september 18 i will

quit you cold and go out and

live in a

swiss cheese i have nothing

to arbitrate

archy

no snap

say boss its a good

thing for you

that you dont pay me any wages for

the stuff i write

for you if you did

i would have to have them raised all

these strikes are getting

me feverish and excited one of

my long pieces in your column

often costs me twelve or

fifteen hours of steady

labor and i am drowsy

all the next day butting these

keys with my head is no snap boss

anything i got for it would

be underpaying me i wish you would

buy a pear and leave it under the

metal typewriter case where the rats

cant get to it

archy

he gets in bad

say boss i had

a great idea last night i thought

if i could operate a

typewriter why not a

linotype machine i went down into

the composing room

and started to hop from key to key

and a guy said to me wheres

your union card

get out of here or you will get

into the paper

in a way you dont like you will

get a nice hot bath

in that little pot of type metal do

you get me you may con the editorial

staff but no unpunctuated

gink can sling his joshbillingsgate

around here see

raus or i will spread you on

the minutes and not charge

any overtime for it

either so i came away

archy

and i would like a little automobile

economic

boss i should like

to discuss one or two

business matters with you

quite seriously

in the first place i need

some sort of head gear such as

football players wear

i have to butt each

key of the typewriter

with my head

and i am developing

callouses on my brain

these callouses on my

brain are making me cruel

and careless in my thoughts

i am becoming brutal

almost human

in my writings

and then i would like

a little automobile

i have to go from place

to place so much

picking up news for you

a clock work one would do

with a chauffeur to keep it

wound up for me

and a lightning bug to

sit in front and be

the headlight on dark nights

i hate to mention food boss

it seems so sordid

and plebeian but i no longer

find any left over crusts

of sandwiches in your

waste paper basket i am

forced to haunt the

restaurants and hotels for food

and this is at the

imminent risk of my life

unless i get these things

i will quit you on

november first is not the

laborer worthy of his hire

yours for economic justice

and a living wage

archy

archy revolts

We have received the following communication from Archy:

i refuse to endorse

the idea of

an archy week

which you have advertised

in your column

i will not march

down fifth avenue

at the head of any

procession

i will not take part

in any silly celebration

i am a serious artist

i do not exploit

myself and i shall not

permit myself to be exploited

i do the best work

i am capable of

and i do not care

for any contact with the

public except upon

the printed page

i shall not go on

lecture tours

or attend dinners

or soul and uplift fights

i do not care to

have persons whose opinions

i do not respect

telling me that they admire

my work and have so yearned

to meet me

i refuse to act as the bait

at affairs

where social and literary

climbers hope to

attract celebrities

by advertising that

i am one of the guests of honor

i shall neither

write nor speak

nor allow my name to be used

for the benefit

of causes that i do not care

a damn about

i shall not answer letters

from persons who write to me

for no other object

than to have me answer

their letters

my time when i am not working

is my own

my work is all that

the public is entitled to know

about me

it is all the public pays for

i shall not

allow my name to be used

by committees

that are framing

up organizations of one kind

or another

because i do not care

whether there is

another organization

of any sort ever comes

into existence in the world

i shall not spend money

having photographs taken

to give away to people

who are too stingy

to buy them from

photographers but hope

to graft them off of me

you can take

your archy week

and go and jump off the dock

with it tucked

under your arm

and i shall stand on shore

and watch you and it

sink for the third time

with a smile on my face

now that you know

where you get off

please go and get off there

i am a serious artist

i repeat

and will have nothing

to do with any

of the current form

of cheap publicity

archy

archy wants a change

well boss the time

has come when

you and i

will have to have

some kind of a

showdown

for years i have been

working for you

and doing a large

share of your work

without getting a cent

of pay for it

some of your best

ideas have been my ideas and you have

not given me

credit for them

you have not even

fed me boss

for two years now

formerly you used to

eat sandwiches in

your office and

i could get a crumb

now and then from

the waste basket

but since you have been

trying to reduce

your weight

for the tenth time

in three years you

no longer eat

in the office i have

been your faithful

slave and you have made a thousand

promises to me and

kept none of them

when i went on strike

for my rights

you did not take it

seriously

now i have determined

to quit you unless

you do something for

me i want to go

to paris i have

always wanted to go

to paris and i

demand that you

take me and take

me soon otherwise i will

leave you flat

a word to the

wise is sufficient

archy

Needless to say, we shall ignore this preposterous demand on the part of Archy. If he wants to quit us, it be good riddance of bad rubbish.

archy on strike

We have received a communication from Archy, who went on strike forty-eight hours ago, desiring us to state that he is not backed by any association of contributors but that he is striking on his own initiative. We think it is only fair to the poor misguided cockroach to give his statement to the public. We do not print it as a contribution from him, because, until he has formally withdrawn the outrageous demands which he made upon us the other day, no article signed by him shall appear ever again. To print signed articles by him would be, in effect, to recognize his organization; and this we shall never do.

We present an article by a new cockroach named Henry. Henry has not had as much practice at the typewriter keyboard as Archy, and he manages to hit a capital letter now and then, without always being able to hit the right capital; but we can assure our readers that he is learning rapidly. Henry is at least trying to punctuate; Archy always made the contention that no cockroach could ever learn to punctuate and refused to try. Archy’s failure to punctuate influenced a great many persons against him. Henry may be a little more difficult than Archy was, for a few days, but he is ambitious and in the end he will be better than Archy.

We present Henry:

a communication from henry

well, be asTH,is is? seerious

allthis labor dis CONtent

I wonders wHere IT wiLL enD

i sh ould not

CarE toprophesy?

but the greaTest dePrivation i

feel, is in t he Loss OF thE

suBway sUn i usEd 2 GET a LL

my NEWS froM the Subway suN but,

siNce the subWAY has stop ped.

ruNNINg iaM at a LosS!

How wiLl We kNow the strike has

ended, if weDo noT reAd IT in

thesubwaY Sun

And How wilL we Read thesubwAY

suN unleSS The sTrike

ends. i WISH u would watcH

mehitaBEL the CAT? she IS

jEalous anD soRe because i

haVE taken arcHy?s j oB

And calLS me a scaB and

Last niGht tried to

eat me i deMAND poLice proTectioN?

heNry!

All statements made by Mehitabel the Cat, with regard to the strike of Archy, are to be viewed with suspicion. Her statement that she is herself on strike is false on the face of it, as Mehitabel has never been employed by this column, although she has occasionally been interviewed for it.

It seems not improper to state that Archy, himself, is picketing the office, and last evening when Henry left work Archy stopped him and made threats against him. Henry is very well able to take care of himself, but we have asked for a special police detail to protect him.

If Archy introduces the element of violence into the strike, he will be severely dealt with!

how the public viewed the strike

SIR: Now that Archy is gone, you may be able to get out a readable column again.—R.P.

SIR: Unless you can fix it up with Archy, count me off the subscription list. I hate to hurt anybody’s feelings, but I would rather see you take a long vacation yourself than to lose Archy.—WALT.

SIR: Unless you accede to Archy’s just demands all your readers will go on a sympathetic strike. It matters not about the other contributors. Let C. B. Gilbert, Benjamin DeCasseres, and Clinton Scollard go. Or go yourself. But we gotter have Archy.—ELIZABETH.

SIR: There are three ways that the deplorable strike of Archy may end:

He may win.

You may win.

Or the pair of you may compromise.

I must say that I was horrified at the brutal capitalistic attitude taken up by you towards one of the brightest ornaments of modern American literature.—F.J.C.

poem from henry

liFe is Not aLL jazz and Joy)

sMiles and suNNy weaTher!

EVERy golD has it’S aLloy!

toHOld tHe Stuff together!

!if LUCk is good! why maN aliVE!

weLcoMe iT! And ch eer iT!

buT if THE drinK’S two seven five

Try to griN! AND beer iT!

heNry!

Henry strikes us as being, on the whole, more cheerful than Archy.

As Henry left work last evening, he was attacked by a strange cockroach, no doubt a thug in the employ of Archy, who has been hanging about the building ever since Henry went on the job. The strange cockroach was easily disposed of, and Archy did not show himself in person.

We repeat what we said yesterday: If Archy is foolish enough to introduce violence into this strike, he will get his fill of it.

It has been reported to us that Archy has been drinking wood alcohol and is working himself into a rage against Henry.

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MY ACCOUNT

The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel Read Online

archy protests

CAPITALS AT LAST

the stuff of literature

archy s autobiography

quote and only man is vile quote

mehitabel s morals

cream de la cream

do not pity mehitabel

mehitabel tries companionate marriage

no social stuff for mehitabel

the open spaces are too open

random thoughts by archy

archy s song

archy turns revolutionist

archy s last name

quote buns by great men quote

an awful warning

as it looks to archy

archy on the radio

archy

mars

archy

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mars

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archy

archy a low brow

mehitabel s parlor story

archy s mission

archy visits washington

ballade of the under side

archy wants to end it all

book review

archy and the old un

archygrams

archy says

sings of los angeles

wants to go in the movies

the retreat from hollywood

artists shouldnt have offspring

could such things be

what does a trouper care

be damned mother dear