He’s guessed it.

CAPTAIN MACNURE. If it’s a question of killing Wenceslas, I’m with you. I am his deadly enemy, and I can answer for my men.

PA UBU (throwing himself upon him to embrace him). Oh, M’Nure, I love you dearly for that.

CAPTAIN MACNURE. Pooh, how you stink, man! Don’t you ever wash ?

PA UBU. Occasionally.

MA UBU. Never!

PA UBU. I’m going to tread on your toes.

MA UBU. Fat lump of pschittl

PA UBU. Right, M’Nure, that’s all for now. But by my green candle, I swear on the head of Madam Ubu to make you Duke of Lithuania.

MA UBU. But ...

PA UBU. Silence, my angel ...

 

They all go out.

SCENE FIVE

 

PA UBU, MA UBU, A MESSENGER.

 

PA UBU. What do you want, Sir ? Piss off. You make me sick and tired.

MESSENGER. Sir, you are summoned immediately to the royal presence.

 

He goes out.

 

PA UBU. Oh pschitt God’s whiskers ! By my green candle, all is discovered. I’ll be beheaded. Woe is me!

MA UBU. What a feeble creature! And time’s getting short.

PA UBU. Ah! I’ve got an idea. I’ll say it was Ma Ubu and M’Nure.

MA UBU. You big P.U., you just try ...

PA UBU. I’d better get out while the going’s good.

 

He goes out.

 

MA UBU (running after him). Oh! Pa Ubu, Pa Ubu, I’ll give you some fine fat sausages.

 

She goes out.

 

PA UBU (offstage). Oh pschitt! You’re a fine fat sausage yourself.

SCENE SIX

 

The King’s Palace.

 

KING WENCESLAS, surrounded by his OFFICERS, MAC NURE the king’s SONS, BOLESLAS, LADISLAS and BOGGERLAS.

 

PA UBU (entering). Oh! you know, it wasn’t me, it was the old woman and M’Nure.

THE KING. What’s up with you, Old Ubu?

CAPTAIN MACNURE. He’s tight.

THE KING. Like me this morning. I was tight as two Poles.

PA UBU. Yes, I’m tight. It’s because I’ve drunk too much champagne.

THE KING. Master Ubu, I have resolved to reward you for your many services as Captain of Dragoons, and I therefore proclaim you Count of Sandomir.

PA UBU.