‘We’ll show them all, won’t we?’

Closing her eyes, she tried not to think about the birth film. If only someone could invent Ruth’s idea, and they could beam the baby out of her, Star Trek style. Up until then, she’d managed to avoid thinking about the actual birth, but tomorrow she was going to have to face it in full colour.

Chapter Five

Up until now, I’ve avoided looking into too much detail about the actual birth. So you can imagine my delight when Antenatal Sally started producing medical equipment which looked like evidence from a GBH trial. Long metal sticks to break your waters, forceps which belong on a BBQ and head thermometers that hook onto a baby’s halfway-born head. (I had been hoping for a baby at the end of all this, not a nine-pound carp.)

There is even a device that gets suctioned onto a baby’s head like a sink plunger to pull them out if they get stuck. Now I’ve got a vision of my baby’s birth turning into an ER version of The Enormous Turnip: one of these contraptions stuck between my legs whilst the doctor pulls it, and the nurse pulls him, and the cleaner pulls her and…

From ‘The Undercover Mother’

Day Two of Antenatal and, due to the baby having an emergency need for a bacon sandwich, the class had already started when Jenny and Dan arrived. Antenatal Sally ushered them in.

‘We’re splitting into two groups to start with. Daddies over there, please.’

Jenny squeezed Dan’s hand in an attempt to convey solidarity, then joined the other mums. Gail, Antonia and Ruth were on chairs; Naomi was perched on a huge inflatable ball, rolling her pelvis backwards and forwards. Jenny was tempted to give her a little nudge.

‘We’ve got to sort these cards into priority order.’ Ruth pointed at a set of laminated cards, curling at the edges. ‘For the first few weeks after the baby’s born.’

After the baby was born? Jenny was still getting her head around the whole birth thing. What else was there? She picked up the card nearest to her. ‘Taking a shower? Is this a joke one?’ Why the hell wouldn’t you have time for a shower if you were home all day?

Naomi had started gently bouncing up and down on the ball. Her bangles jangled. ‘Life can be unpredictable with a newborn. You can’t cling to old habits. We need to embrace the changes.’

Jenny had an urge to embrace Naomi around the neck. Who’d made her a Motherhood Master?

Ruth picked up a card which read ‘HOUSEWORK’. ‘I vacuum and clean every day. I can’t imagine not doing that.’

Cleaning? Well, that one could scoot itself to the bottom of the list. Maybe there were benefits to some of these ‘changes’.

‘Just get a cleaner, darling.’ Antonia didn’t look like she spent much time with a duster in her hand. Gail raised a judgemental eyebrow behind her back.

‘“Meeting friends” can go towards the bottom of the list.’ Naomi stopped bouncing and sat cross-legged on the floor, her arms encircling her bump. ‘Those first few weeks I want it to be just me, John and our baby, so we can really bond.’

Staying at home for weeks? Was she completely mad? That card was going right at the top of Jenny’s list. ‘I’ll need to see other people. I’d go insane stuck indoors on my own every day.’

Gail nodded. ‘Me, too. Although I’ll only have two months to fill. Then I’m back to work.’ She was dressed more casually today, but her smart trousers and collared maternity shirt were a far cry from the jersey dress stretched to breaking point that Jenny was wearing. She must have spent a fortune on her clothes.

‘Goodness, that’s early.’ Antonia tucked her thick blonde hair behind her ears and then placed her hands back in her lap.