On the present occasion al the deacons of the University in whom there lurked any spark of promise were exhaustively discussed,

and the upshot was that our friend Theobald was declared by Mrs Cowey to be about the best thing she could do that afternoon."I don't know that he's a particularly fascinating young man, my dear,"

said Mrs Cowey, "and he's only a second son, but then he's got his fel owship, and even the second son of such a man as Mr Pontifex the

publisher should have something very comfortable.""Why yes, my dear," rejoined Mrs Al aby complacently,

"that's what one

rather feels."CHAPTER XThe interview, like al other good things had to come to an end; the days were short, and Mrs Al aby had a six miles' drive to Crampsford. When she was muffled up and had taken her seat, Mr Al aby's _factotum_, James, could perceive no change in her appearance, and little knew what a series of delightful visions he was driving home along with his mistress.Professor Cowey had published works through Theobald's father, and

Theobald had on this account been taken in tow by Mrs Cowey from the beginning of his University career. She had had her eye upon him for some time past, and almost as much felt it her duty to get him off her list of young men for whom wives had to be provided, as poor Mrs Al aby did to try and get a husband for one of her daughters. She now wrote and asked him to come and see her, in terms that awakened his curiosity. When he came she broached the subject of Mr Al aby's failing health, and after the smoothing away of such difficulties as were only Mrs Cowey's due,

considering the interest she had taken, it was al owed to come to pass that Theobald should go to Crampsford for six successive Sundays and take the half of Mr Al aby's duty at half a guinea a Sunday, for Mrs Cowey cut down the usual stipend mercilessly, and Theobald was not strong enough to resist.Ignorant of the plots which were being prepared for his peace of mind and with no idea beyond that of earning his three guineas, and perhaps of

astonishing the inhabitants of Crampsford by his academic learning, Theobald walked over to the Rectory one Sunday morning early in

December--a few weeks only after he had been ordained. He had taken a great deal of pains with his sermon, which was on the subject of geology--then coming to the fore as a theological bugbear. He showed that so far as geology was worth anything at al --and he was too liberal entirely to poohpooh it--it confirmed the absolutely historical character of the Mosaic account of the Creation as given in Genesis. Any phenomena which at first sight appeared to make against this view were

only partial phenomena and broke down upon investigation. Nothing could be in more excel ent taste, and when Theobald adjourned to the rectory, where he was to dine between the services, Mr Al aby complimented him

warmly upon his debut, while the ladies of the family could hardly find words with which to express their admiration.Theobald knew nothing about women. The only women he had been thrown in

contact with were his sisters, two of whom were always correcting him, and a few school friends whom these had got their father to ask to Elmhurst. These young ladies had either been so shy that they and Theobald had never amalgamated, or they had been supposed to be clever and had said smart things to him. He did not say smart things himself and did not want other people to say them. Besides, they talked about Page 24

Butler, Samuel: The Way of All Flesh

music--and he hated music--or pictures--and he hated pictures--or books--and except the classics he hated books. And then sometimes he was wanted to dance with them, and he did not know how to dance, and did not want to know.At Mrs Cowey's parties again he had seen some young ladies and had been introduced to them. He had tried to make himself agreeable, but was

always left with the impression that he had not been successful. The young ladies of Mrs Cowey's set were by no means the most attractive that might have been found in the University, and Theobald may be excused for not losing his heart to the greater number of them, while if for a minute or two he was thrown in with one of the prettier and more agreeable girls he was almost immediately cut out by someone less bashful than himself, and sneaked off, feeling as far as the fair sex was concerned, like the impotent man at the pool of Bethesda.What a real y nice girl might have done with him I cannot tel , but fate had thrown none such in his way except his youngest sister Alethea, whom he might perhaps have liked if she had not been his sister. The result of his experience was that women had never done him any good and he was not accustomed to associate them with any pleasure; if there was a part of Hamlet in connection with them it had been so completely cut out in

the edition of the play in which he was required to act that he had come to disbelieve in its existence. As for kissing, he had never kissed a

woman in his life except his sister--and my own sisters when we were al smal children together. Over and above these kisses, he had until quite lately been required to imprint a solemn flabby kiss night and morning

upon his father's cheek, and this, to the best of my belief, was the extent of Theobald's knowledge in the matter of kissing, at the time of which I am now writing. The result of the foregoing was that he had come to dislike women, as mysterious beings whose ways were not as his ways, nor their thoughts as his thoughts.With these antecedents Theobald natural y felt rather bashful on finding himself the admired of five strange young ladies. I remember when I was a boy myself I was once asked to take tea at a girls' school where one of my sisters was boarding. I was then about twelve years old. Everything

went off wel during tea-time, for the Lady Principal of the

establishment was present. But there came a time when she went away and I was left alone with the girls. The moment the mistress's back was

turned the head girl, who was about my own age, came up, pointed her finger at me, made a face and said solemnly, "A na-a-sty bo-o-y!" Al the girls fol owed her in rotation making the same gesture and the same reproach upon my being a boy. It gave me a great scare. I believe I

cried, and I know it was a long time before I could again face a girl without a strong desire to run away.Theobald felt at first much as I had myself done at the girls' school, but the Miss Al abys did not tel him he was a nasty bo-o-oy. Their papa and mamma were so cordial and they themselves lifted him so deftly over conversational stiles that before dinner was over Theobald thought the

family to be a real y very charming one, and felt as though he were being appreciated in a way to which he had not hitherto been accustomed.With dinner his shyness wore off. He was by no means plain, his academic

prestige was very fair. There was nothing about him to lay hold of as unconventional or ridiculous; the impression he created upon the young ladies was quite as favourable as that which they had created upon himself; for they knew not much more about men than he about women.As soon as he was gone, the harmony of the establishment was broken by a

Page 25

Butler, Samuel: The Way of All Flesh

storm which arose upon the question which of them it should be who should become Mrs Pontifex.