War with the Newts

Praise for War with the Newts and Karel Čapek:

A bracing parody of totalitarianism and technological overkill, one of the most amusing and provocative books in its genre.

—Philadelphia Inquirer

[This] depiction of man’s propensity to bring environmental disaster on himself through pure technological hubris … brilliantly illustrates the danger of our untempered search for “solutions” to nature.

—Chicago Tribune

A sendup of multiple early-20th-century isms.

—Washington Post Bk. World

Issued in a new, vibrant translation, this immensely entertaining novel has lost none of its relevance and spark.

—Library Journal

Karel Čapek (1890-1938; CHOP-ek) was Czechoslovakia’s leading novelist, playwright, story writer, columnist, and critic during the first twenty years after the founding of the nation in 1918. He was the inventor of the literary robot in R.U.R. (Rossum’s Universal Robots), as well as a writer of delightful detective stories, humorous columns, and a great philosophical trilogy of novels (Three Novels). But of all his work, War with the Newts has continued to warn and entertain the most readers around the world.

Other Books by Karel Čapek

from Catbird Press

Toward the Radical Center: A Karel Čapek Reader

edited by Peter Kussi, foreword by Arthur Miller

Apocryphal Tales

translated by Norma Comrada

Tales from Two Pockets

translated by Norma Comrada

Talks with T. G. Masaryk

translated by Michael Henry Heim

Three Novels

translated by M. & R. Weatherall

UNESCO Collection of Representative Works
UNESCO ISBN 92-3-103599-1

Original Title: Válka s mloky

© 1936 Karel Čapek, for the original text

© 1999, 1985 UNESCO, for the English translation

All rights reserved.

This book is copyright under the Berne Convention.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without written permission, except in the context of reviews.

Catbird Press, 16 Windsor Road, North Haven, CT 06473-3015

800-360-2391, [email protected], www.catbirdpress.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Čapek, Karel, 1890-1938

[Válka s mloky. English]

War with the newts / Karel Čapek

translated from the Czech by Ewald Osers.

“A Garrigue book.”

ISBN 0-945774-10-9 (pbk.)

PG5038.C3V33 1990

891.8’635--dc20 89-25373 CIP

Contents

Book One Andrias Scheuchzeri

1 The Eccentricity of Captain van Toch

2 Mr Golombek and Mr Valenta

3 G. H. Bondy and His Fellow Countryman

4 Captain van Toch’s Business Enterprise

5 Captain J. van Toch’s Trained Lizards

6 The Yacht in the Lagoon

7 The Yacht in the Lagoon (continued)

8 Andrias Scheuchzeri

9 Andrew Scheuchzer

10 The Fair at Nové Strašecí

11 Of Men-Lizards

12 The Salamander Syndicate 97

Appendix The Sex Life of the Newts

Book Two Up the Ladder of Civilisation

1 Mr Povondra Reads His Paper

2 Up the Ladder of Civilisation

3 Mr Povondra Reads the Paper Again

Book Three War With the Newts

1 The Massacre on the Cocos Islands

2 The Clash in Normandy

3 The Incident in the Channel

4 Der Nordmolch

5 Wolf Meynert Writes His Great Work

6 A Warning from X

7 The Louisiana Earthquake

8 The Chief Salamander Presents His Demands

9 The Vaduz Conference

10 Mr Povondra Takes It Upon Himself

11 The Author Talks to Himself

BOOK ONE

Andrias Scheuchzeri

1

The Eccentricity of Captain van Toch

If you were to look for the little island of Tana Masa on a map you would find it right on the equator slightly to the west of Sumatra. But if you asked Captain J. van Toch of the Kandong Bandoeng what kind of place this Tana Masa was, the place off which he had just dropped anchor, he would curse for a while and then he would tell you that it was the filthiest hole in all the Sunda Islands, even more miserable than Tana Bala and at least as lousy a place as Pini or Banjak; that the only, if you’ll excuse me, human being living there -disregarding, of course, those lousy Bataks - was a drunken agent, a cross between a Cuban and a Portuguese and an even greater thief, heathen and swine than a pure-bred Cuban and a pure-bred white man combined; and if there was something really lousy in this world then it was this lousy life on this lousy Tana Masa, yessir. Whereupon you, might cautiously inquire why in that case he had dropped his lousy anchor, just as if he was going to stop here for three lousy days, he’d just snort irritably and mutter something to the effect that the Kandong Bandoeng would not have sailed here just for some lousy copra or palm oil, stands to reason, doesn’t it?, and anyway what business is it of yours, sir?, but I’ve got my damned orders, sir, and will you kindly mind your own damned business. And he’d curse as richly and colourfully as you’d expect from a sea captain who was getting on a bit but was still in good shape for his years.

But if instead of asking such nosy questions you left Captain van Toch to grumble and curse to himself you’d probably learn a lot more. Can’t you see that he needs to let off steam? Just let him be and his irritability will simmer down on its own. ‘It’s like this, sir,’ the captain would burst out, ‘those fellows back home in Amsterdam, those damned Jews at the top, suddenly say to you: pearls, that’s what it is about, my man, you look out for pearls. People apparently go nuts over pearls and suchlike.’ Here the captain expectorated angrily. ‘Sure thing, put your money into pearls! That’s because you people are always wanting to have wars or suchlike. Worried about your money, that’s what it is. What’s called a crisis, yessir.’ Captain van Toch hesitated for a moment as to whether to embark on a discourse of the economy with you; after all, nobody talked about anything else these days. Except that out here, off Tana Masa, it’s a little too hot and enervating for that. So Captain van Toch just waved his hand and grumbled: ‘Easily said: pearls! In Ceylon, sir, they cleared them clean out five years ago and in Formosa they’ve put a ban on pearl-fishing. - Why then, Captain van Toch, you’d better find some new fishing grounds. You just sail to those damned little islands, for all you know you may find whole banks of shells there - .’ The captain contemptuously blew his nose into a sky-blue handkerchief. ‘Those rats back in Europe imagine you can still find something here that nobody else knows about! Christ Almighty, those nitwits! For two pins they’d have made me peer up the snouts of those Bataks in case they snot up pearls! New fishing grounds, my arse! There’s a new brothel in Padang, for sure, but new pearl-fishing grounds? Why sir, I know these islands here like the back of my hand … all the way from Ceylon to that lousy Clipperton Island … If anyone thinks he can find something here to make money out of, well, good luck to him! I’ve been sailing these waters for thirty years and now those idiots want me to discover something new here!’ Captain van Toch almost choked under this insulting demand. ‘Why don’t they send out some greenhorn, he’d discover things for them enough to make their eyes pop - but to expect Captain van Toch … well, sir, I ask you! In Europe you might still find something or other, but here? Surely people come down here only to sniff around for something they can guzzle up, or not even guzzle up, for something to buy and sell. Why sir, if there was anything left in these lousy tropics that was worth a brass farthing you’d find three agents standing over it and waving a dirty handkerchief to ships of seven nationalities to heave to.