Seven months ago, after breaking up with Michael, I sat on one of the gazebo benches with Alison to explain why family was so important to me: “I was a ward of the state, shuffled from one foster family to the next. I never had a proper childhood with sisters and brothers and loving parents.”

Alison said, “Michael shared that much with us before your first visit. And since that time we’ve grown to love you like a daughter.”

“I know, and I’m 100% grateful. I love you too.”

“It’s a marvel how well you turned out given your rough start. It speaks to your character and determination.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m serious, Nicki. I don’t know anyone who could have handled all you’ve been through and come out with such a positive attitude. I really admire that, and how you always made the best out of whatever situation you found yourself in. Those are the types of qualities that make a marriage work.” She paused, then said, “Would you consider telling me about your aversion to having children?”

I looked at her a minute, then took a deep breath and said, “At 10:15 on the night of the best birthday I ever had, my foster father took my virginity at knife-point, even while his wife tapped on the door to whisper she loved me. I was fourteen, a year younger than Jessie, if that helps put it in perspective.”

“Oh my God, Nicki! That’s horrible! I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. He wasn’t the first foster parent to molest me. He just took things up a notch. Later on I caught a lucky break after they arrested him for murdering one of his other foster daughters, who happened to be my best friend in the house. If I’d been home that morning, it could have been me.”

Alison shook her head, sadly. “That may be the worst childhood story I’ve ever heard. But can I ask you something? How does that experience relate to your not wanting children?”

“My insides got so messed up the doctors doubt I can get pregnant. And if I do, they said I could die trying to give birth.”

“Was the rape that brutal? Even with your foster mother close by in the house that night?”

“No ma’am. But the abortion was.” As Alison hung on my words and watched me through wide eyes I added, “It was the first he ever performed.”

“The doctor?”

“My foster father.”

“Jesus, Nicki. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s all right. Like you said, I was determined to have a better life.”

“Well, thank God you finally got away from that family.”

“I did. But just when I thought that was as bad as things could get, I was placed with the Davenports. Please don’t ask me what happened there, okay?”

She nodded.

“Not ever!”

We hugged a long time, and she said, “Have you told any of that part to Michael?”

I looked down at my hands. “No.”

“I’m sure it would help him understand your feelings.”

“I know. But he really wants kids, and should have them. It’s why I had to leave. I just don’t want children.”

“Nicki, I’m sure he loves you much more than he wants children. And don’t forget, you can always adopt.”

“True. But during the breakup he said some pretty harsh things to me.”

She took my hand in hers and smiled. “We save our harshest comments for the ones we love the most. I know you’ve had a terrible life up till now, but you and Michael are still so very young. It’s just natural you’re going to make mistakes and have some bumps along the way.