Like I won the Powerball. Like my whole life was building up to this.” I opened my eyes and looked at her, and I swear, I had tears in my eyes as I said, “I will never let you down. I only hope I don’t disappoint you.”

“Number six is never forget how you’re feeling this very moment. Things will happen, David. Situations. Problems. At some point I might do something or say something that makes you furious. But if that happens, I want you to always remember exactly how you’re feeling right now.”

“I promise I will. Can I kiss you now? I’m dying to—”

Pow!

What the fuck?

She slapped me harder than I’ve ever been slapped in my life. Then she said, “Were you not listening this whole time? Did I not say you can’t ask me to do anything sexual?”

“You did. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize—”

—What I didn’t realize is she was bat shit crazy!

“It’s okay,” she said. “I was planning to kiss you in a little while anyway. It’s just…” she sighed, looked away.

“I know. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

She took a full minute to compose herself, then said, “How much time do you have?”

“For you, all the time in the world.”

She smiled. “Good. Let’s get this last order of business out of the way: our talk about Michael and Alison. Want me to start?”

“Please.”

“Here’s my baggage with Michael: I know he’s your son and my biggest worry is you’re going to think about him and me being together when you and I are together. And that would totally suck. So that’s why I have to tell you something that shames me to my core to admit: I never loved Michael. And—I’m just being honest now, because that’s the promise we made—I basically used him to get you interested. I’ve been the worst girlfriend in the world. I gave him the least affection possible, and if you have specific questions about what we did sexually that I fail to cover, I’ll answer truthfully, but just until you leave this room today. So anyway—and this is the truth—I’ve never given him oral, and in all the months we’ve been together we’ve had intercourse exactly twice. Both times lasted about 30 seconds, and afterward I threw up.”

“You threw up both times?”

She nodded.

“Why do you think that happened?”

“This is really painful to tell you because I can’t do it without getting mental pictures. But I owe you an explanation, so the plain truth is Michael reminds me of the worst thing that happened in my past. It’s not his fault, it’s a combination of things: the way he whispers when he’s coming on to me? The way he touches me? His sexual mannerisms? I don’t know. Could be all of these, could be something else. It’s like a mental block.