So I wanted you to experience the pain, even though I wasn’t able to experience any pleasure, since for me it was nothing more than pushing a latex mold into you. Based on your comment, you probably won’t derive the same amount of pleasure you were expecting because you’ve realized your fantasy was personal, selfish, and never took my feelings into consideration. Now you’re aware how badly you’re going to hurt me, and I think that might diminish the experience for you.”

“I’m certain it will.” Talk about a buzz kill!

“Good.” She turned her back to me and assumed the position. “So this is for you, David. Please keep an eye on the timer. That’s all I ask.”

The first issue was getting hard enough to make it happen. I was so concerned about hurting her I couldn’t get it up at first. But the view she presented made it impossible to remain flaccid forever, and then I had to cope with how incredibly tiny she was compared to me. And that’s when I realized what she knew from the start: how terribly unfair the experience would be for her. But she braced herself and I finally worked my way in, and soldiered on. She tried as hard as she could not to make any wounded puppy sounds, and just as she predicted, the next 90 seconds weren’t half as pleasurable as I originally fantasized…and yet…dare I say it? It was still awfully damn good! So good I had to remind myself to wipe the grin off my face when I finished. I’ll give myself credit for not going in as deep as I could have, and for only moving enough to stay erect. But when it was over and I saw the tears streaming down her face it broke my heart, and soon I was crying, too.

“I love you,” I said, but she said nothing.

I added, “You taught me something very profound today about love. It’s a lesson I’ll never forget.”

Again she said nothing, and we got dressed in silence. Moments later I left her house shamed and filled with self-loathing.

19.

THE NEXT WEEK when she opened her door I could tell she’d been crying.

“What’s wrong?”

“You’re gonna be mad at me.”

I felt my shoulders sag. Shit! I knew at once she was planning to end the relationship.

“I won’t be mad, Nicki. Disappointed? Yes. Heart-broken? Almost certainly. But not mad.”

“I hope not, but I have a feeling you will be. And you’re probably gonna hate me, too.”

“Don’t be silly. You’re my treasure, Nicki. There’s nothing you could say or do to make me hate you.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not true.”

I sighed. “Can we sit down and talk about it?”

“I’d like that.”

Nicki’s rental house was small. The kitchen, dining room and den were all areas of the same room with no walls to separate them. We sat on the couch, and I couldn’t help but look above me to see the beam she hanged me from as recently as two weeks ago. Now that seemed like a distant memory.

“Tell me what’s happened.”

“Nothing. It’s just time.”

“You’re ending it?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry.”

“Is there someone else?”

“No. It’s nothing like that.”

“Then…what’s wrong?”

“We need to stop.”

“Why?”

“It’s not right.”

“But that doesn’t make sense.