- God help her! said I, she has some mother-in-law, or tartufish aunt, or nonsensical old woman, to consult upon the occasion, as well as myself: so not caring to interrupt the process, and deeming it more gallant to take her at discretion than by surprise, I faced about and took a short turn or two before the door of the Remise, whilst she walk’d musing on one side.


IN THE STREET.  CALAIS.


Having, on the first sight of the lady, settled the affair in my fancy “that she was of the better order of beings;” - and then laid it down as a second axiom, as indisputable as the first, that she was a widow, and wore a character of distress, - I went no further; I got ground enough for the situation which pleased me; - and had she remained close beside my elbow till midnight, I should have held true to my system, and considered her only under that general idea.

She had scarce got twenty paces distant from me, ere something within me called out for a more particular enquiry; - it brought on the idea of a further separation: - I might possibly never see her more: - The heart is for saving what it can; and I wanted the traces through which my wishes might find their way to her, in case I should never rejoin her myself; in a word, I wished to know her name, - her family’s - her condition; and as I knew the place to which she was going, I wanted to know from whence she came: but there was no coming at all this intelligence; a hundred little delicacies stood in the way.  I form’d a score different plans. - There was no such thing as a man’s asking her directly; - the thing was impossible.

A little French débonnaire captain, who came dancing down the street, showed me it was the easiest thing in the world: for, popping in betwixt us, just as the lady was returning back to the door of the Remise, he introduced himself to my acquaintance, and before he had well got announced, begg’d I would do him the honour to present him to the lady. - I had not been presented myself; - so turning about to her, he did it just as well, by asking her if she had come from Paris?  No: she was going that route, she said. - Vous n’êtes pas de Londres? - She was not, she replied. - Then Madame must have come through Flanders. - Apparemment vous êtes Flammande? said the French captain. - The lady answered, she was. - Peut être de Lisle? added he. - She said, she was not of Lisle. - Nor Arras? - nor Cambray? - nor Ghent? - nor Brussels? - She answered, she was of Brussels.

He had had the honour, he said, to be at the bombardment of it last war; - that it was finely situated, pour cela, - and full of noblesse when the Imperialists were driven out by the French (the lady made a slight courtesy) - so giving her an account of the affair, and of the share he had had in it, - he begg’d the honour to know her name, - so made his bow.

- Et Madame a son Mari? - said he, looking back when he had made two steps, - and, without staying for an answer - danced down the street.

Had I served seven years apprenticeship to good breeding, I could not have done as much.


THE REMISE.  CALAIS.


As the little French captain left us, Mons. Dessein came up with the key of the Remise in his hand, and forthwith let us into his magazine of chaises.

The first object which caught my eye, as Mons. Dessein open’d the door of the Remise, was another old tatter’d désobligeant; and notwithstanding it was the exact picture of that which had hit my fancy so much in the coach-yard but an hour before, - the very sight of it stirr’d up a disagreeable sensation within me now; and I thought ’twas a churlish beast into whose heart the idea could first enter, to construct such a machine; nor had I much more charity for the man who could think of using it.

I observed the lady was as little taken with it as myself: so Mons. Dessein led us on to a couple of chaises which stood abreast, telling us, as he recommended them, that they had been purchased by my lord A. and B. to go the grand tour, but had gone no further than Paris, so were in all respects as good as new. - They were too good; - so I pass’d on to a third, which stood behind, and forthwith begun to chaffer for the price. - But ’twill scarce hold two, said I, opening the door and getting in. - Have the goodness, Madame, said Mons. Dessein, offering his arm, to step in. - The lady hesitated half a second, and stepped in; and the waiter that moment beckoning to speak to Mon. Dessein, he shut the door of the chaise upon us, and left us.


THE REMISE.  CALAIS.


C’est bien comique, ’tis very droll, said the lady, smiling, from the reflection that this was the second time we a had been left together by a parcel of nonsensical contingencies, - c’est bien comique, said she. -

- There wants nothing, said I, to make it so but the comic use which the gallantry of a Frenchman would put it to, - to make love the first moment, and an offer of his person the second.

’Tis their fort, replied the lady.

It is supposed so at least; - and how it has come to pass, continued I, I know not; but they have certainly got the credit of understanding more of love, and making it better than any other nation upon earth; but, for my own part, I think them arrant bunglers, and in truth the worst set of marksmen that ever tried Cupid’s patience.

- To think of making love by sentiments!

I should as soon think of making a genteel suit of clothes out of remnants: - and to do it - pop - at first sight, by declaration - is submitting the offer, and themselves with it, to be sifted with all their pours and contres, by an unheated mind.

The lady attended as if she expected I should go on.

Consider then, Madame, continued I, laying my hand upon hers:-

That grave people hate love for the name’s sake; -

That selfish people hate it for their own; -

Hypocrites for heaven’s; -

And that all of us, both old and young, being ten times worse frightened than hurt by the very report, - what a want of knowledge in this branch of commence a man betrays, whoever lets the word come out of his lips, till an hour or two, at least, after the time that his silence upon it becomes tormenting.  A course of small, quiet attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, - nor so vague as to be misunderstood - with now and then a look of kindness, and little or nothing said upon it, - leaves nature for your mistress, and she fashions it to her mind. -

Then I solemnly declare, said the lady, blushing, you have been making love to me all this while.


THE REMISE.  CALAIS.


Monsieur Dessein came back to let us out of the chaise, and acquaint the lady, the count de L-, her brother, was just arrived at the hotel.  Though I had infinite good will for the lady, I cannot say that I rejoiced in my heart at the event - and could not help telling her so; - for it is fatal to a proposal, Madame, said I, that I was going to make to you -

- You need not tell me what the proposal was, said she, laying her hand upon both mine, as she interrupted me. - A man my good Sir, has seldom an offer of kindness to make to a woman, but she has a presentiment of it some moments before. -

Nature arms her with it, said I, for immediate preservation. - But I think, said she, looking in my face, I had no evil to apprehend, - and, to deal frankly with you, had determined to accept it. - If I had - (she stopped a moment) - I believe your good will would have drawn a story from me, which would have made pity the only dangerous thing in the journey.

In saying this, she suffered me to kiss her hand twice, and with a look of sensibility mixed with concern, she got out of the chaise, - and bid adieu.


IN THE STREET.  CALAIS.


I never finished a twelve guinea bargain so expeditiously in my life: my time seemed heavy, upon the loss of the lady, and knowing every moment of it would be as two, till I put myself into motion, - I ordered post horses directly, and walked towards the hotel.

Lord! said I, hearing the town clock strike four, and recollecting that I had been little more than a single hour in Calais, -

- What a large volume of adventures may be grasped within this little span of life by him who interests his heart in every thing, and who, having eyes to see what time and chance are perpetually holding out to him as he journeyeth on his way, misses nothing he can fairly lay his hands on!

- If this won’t turn out something, - another will; - no matter, - ’tis an assay upon human nature - I get my labour for my pains, - ’tis enough; - the pleasure of the experiment has kept my senses and the best part of my blood awake, and laid the gross to sleep.

I pity the man who can travel from Dan to Beersheba, and cry, ’Tis all barren; - and so it is: and so is all the world to him who will not cultivate the fruits it offers.  I declare, said I, clapping my hands cheerily together, that were I in a desert, I would find out wherewith in it to call forth my affections: - if I could not do better, I would fasten them upon some sweet myrtle, or seek some melancholy cypress to connect myself to; - I would court their shade, and greet them kindly for their protection. - I would cut my name upon them, and swear they were the loveliest trees throughout the desert: if their leaves wither’d, I would teach myself to mourn; and, when they rejoiced, I would rejoice along with them.

The learned Smelfungus travelled from Boulogne to Paris, - from Paris to Rome, - and so on; - but he set out with the spleen and jaundice, and every object he pass’d by was discoloured or distorted. - He wrote an account of them, but ’twas nothing but the account of his miserable feelings.

I met Smelfungus in the grand portico of the Pantheon: - he was just coming out of it. - ’Tis nothing but a huge cockpit, said he: - I wish you had said nothing worse of the Venus of Medicis, replied I; - for in passing through Florence, I had heard he had fallen foul upon the goddess, and used her worse than a common strumpet, without the least provocation in nature.

I popp’d upon Smelfungus again at Turin, in his return home; and a sad tale of sorrowful adventures had he to tell, “wherein he spoke of moving accidents by flood and field, and of the cannibals that each other eat: the Anthropophagi:” - he had been flayed alive, and bedevil’d, and used worse than St. Bartholomew, at every stage he had come at.