It was very quiet all around
me; down near the Queen's arbour two nursemaids were trundling
their perambulators; otherwise, there was not a creature anywhere
in sight. I was in a thoroughly embittered temper; I paced up and
down before my seat like a maniac. How strangely awry things seemed
to go! To think that an article in three sections should be
downright stranded by the simple fact of my not having a pennyworth
of pencil in my pocket. Supposing I were to return to Pyle Street
and ask to get my pencil back? There would be still time to get a
good piece finished before the promenading public commenced to fill
the parks. So much, too, depended on this treatise on
"Philosophical Cognition"--mayhap many human beings' welfare, no
one could say; and I told myself it might be of the greatest
possible help to many young people. On second thoughts, I would not
lay violent hands on Kant; I might easily avoid doing that; I would
only need to make an almost imperceptible gliding over when I came
to query Time and Space; but I would not answer for Renan, old
Parson Renan....
At all events, an article of so-and-so many columns has to be
completed. For the unpaid rent, and the landlady's inquiring look
in the morning when I met her on the stairs, tormented me the whole
day; it rose up and confronted me again and again, even in my
pleasant hours, when I had otherwise not a gloomy thought.
I must put an end to it, so I left the park hurriedly to fetch
my pencil from the pawnbroker's.
As I arrived at the foot of the hill I overtook two ladies, whom
I passed. As I did so, I brushed one of them accidentally on the
arm. I looked up; she had a full, rather pale, face. But she
blushes, and, becomes suddenly surprisingly lovely. I know not why
she blushes; maybe at some word she hears from a passer-by, maybe
only at some lurking thought of her own. Or can it be because I
touched her arm? Her high, full bosom heaves violently several
times, and she closes her hand tightly above the handle of her
parasol. What has come to her?
I stopped, and let her pass ahead again. I could, for the
moment, go no further; the whole thing struck me as being so
singular. I was in a tantalizing mood, annoyed with myself on
account of the pencil incident, and in a high degree disturbed by
all the food I had taken on a totally empty stomach. Suddenly my
thoughts, as if whimsically inspired, take a singular direction. I
feel myself seized with an odd desire to make this lady afraid; to
follow her, and annoy her in some way. I overtake her again, pass
her by, turn quickly round, and meet her face-to-face in order to
observe her well. I stand and gaze into her eyes, and hit, on the
spur of the moment, on a name which I have never heard before--a
name with a gliding, nervous sound--Ylajali! When she is quite
close to me I draw myself up and say impressively:
"You are losing your book, madam!" I could hear my heart beat
audibly as I said it.
"My book?" she asks her companion, and she walks on.
My devilment waxed apace, and I followed them. At the same time,
I was fully conscious that I was playing a mad prank without being
able to stop myself. My disordered condition ran away with me; I
was inspired with the craziest notions, which I followed blindly as
they came to me. I couldn't help it, no matter how much I told
myself that I was playing the fool. I made the most idiotic
grimaces behind the lady's back, and coughed frantically as I
passed her by. Walking on in this manner--very slowly, and always a
few steps in advance--I felt her eyes on my back, and involuntarily
put down my head with shame for having caused her annoyance. By
degrees, a wonderful feeling stole over me of being far, far away
in other places; I had a half-undefined sense that it was not I who
was going along over the gravel hanging my head.
A few minutes later, they reached Pascha's bookshop. I had
already stopped at the first window, and as they go by I step
forward and repeat:
"You are losing your book, madam!"
"No; what book?" she asks affrightedly. "Can you make out what
book it is he is talking about?" and she comes to a stop.
I hug myself with delight at her confusion; the irresolute
perplexity in her eyes positively fascinates me. Her mind cannot
grasp my short, passionate address. She has no book with her; not a
single page of a book, and yet she fumbles in her pockets, looks
down repeatedly at her hands, turns her head and scrutinizes the
streets behind her, exerts her sensitive little brain to the utmost
in trying to discover what book it is I am talking about. Her face
changes colour, has now one, now another expression, and she is
breathing quite audibly--even the very buttons on her gown seem to
stare at me, like a row of frightened eyes.
"Don't bother about him!" says her companion, taking her by the
arm.
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