Chekhonte, the translator)

11 Such an instrument does in fact exist. (A. Chekhonte, the translator)

A BRIEF ANATOMY OF MAN

On an examination a student was asked: “What is man?” He replied: “An animal.” After some thought, he added: “But . . . a rational one.” The enlightened examiners agreed only with the second part of his answer; on the first part, the student was given an F.

Anatomically speaking, a man consists of:

A skeleton, or “skellington” as some of our military medics and provincial teachers call it. The skeleton smacks of death. Covered in a sheet, it will frighten you to death; without one, it will frighten you too, but not to death.

A head. Everyone has one, but not everybody needs one. Some believe that heads were given us so we can think, others so we can wear hats. (The second belief is less dangerous.) Sometimes heads contain brain matter. A police supervisor, present at the autopsy of a man who had suddenly dropped dead, on seeing the brain asked the doctor what it was. “That is what people think with,” the doctor replied. The police supervisor grinned contemptuously.

A face. The mirror of the soul (except in the case of lawyers). It has many synonyms: physiognomy, countenance (facies, or continentia as the priesthood might say), visage, mug, ugly puss, etc.

A forehead. Its functions: to touch the floor as one kneels begging for favors, and to bang against the wall when said favors are not accorded. (Consequently, the forehead often reacts to gold.)

The eyes. These are the police commissioners of the head. They see all and make a note of everything. The blind man is like a town abandoned by the authorities. In days of sorrow, eyes weep. But during the happy times in which we live, they only weep with emotion.

The nose. We have been given noses for nasal colds and our sense of smell. It is best not to stick noses into politics. Sniffing has been known to increase the revenues generated by the tobacco tax, which is why the nose can be counted among man’s useful organs. At times a nose is red, but not because it is freethinking (at least, that is what the experts claim).

The tongue. According to Cicero it is the hostis hominum et amicus diaboli feminarumque.12 As denunciations are nowadays written on paper, tongues have been sent packing. In women and snakes, tongues serve to pass the time. The best kind of tongue: boiled.

The nape. Is only of use to the Russian peasantry, for the yoke to rest on.

The ears. Ears are drawn to cracks in doors, open windows, tall grass, and flimsy fences.

The hands.