They write satirical pieces, play the violin, seize, apprehend, lead away, confine, beat. For the simple man, hands provide a living; for those not so simple, they serve as a means to distinguish right from left.

The heart. A repository for patriotic and many other sentiments. In women the heart is like an inn: the ventricles are occupied by the military, the atria by civilians, the apex cordis by the husband. The heart looks like the ace of hearts in a deck of cards.

The waist. The Achilles’ heel of ladies who read fashion magazines, nude models, seamstresses, and warrant officers with lofty ideals. A favorite among young bridegrooms and corset sellers. The second target when a young man declares his love. (The first target is a kiss.)

The paunch. This is not a body part one is born with, but a part one acquires. It grows according to the rank of the councilor. A state councilor without a paunch cannot sit in state. (By Jove, the perfect pun!) Ranks below that of the court councilor do not have paunches, but bellies; merchants have guts, and merchants’ wives wombs.

The groin. Has not been sufficiently studied by science. According to house porters it is located somewhere above the knee, while according to field medics it is found somewhere below the chest.

The legs. These grow out of the place nature invented to be struck by the rod. Legs are extensively used by postmen, debtors, reporters, and messengers.

The heels. Where one finds the souls of guilty husbands, men whose tongues have just slipped, and soldiers fleeing the field of battle.

12 An enemy of man and a friend of the devil and women. [Translator]

A CHILDREN’S PRIMER

INTRODUCTION

Dear little ones,

Only the just and the honest can be truly happy in this world. Bastards and scoundrels can never be happy, and therefore you have to be honest and just. You must not cheat at cards—not because you might get bashed over the head with a candlestick, but because it is dishonest. You must honor your elders—not because you will be given a good hiding, but because it is what fairness demands. For your edification, I have gathered some stories and tales.

Miserliness Does Not Pay

Once upon a time three friends—Ivanov, Petrov, and Smirnov—went to a tavern to have lunch. Ivanov and Petrov were not misers, and ordered a sixty-kopeck lunch. Smirnov, on the other hand, being a miser, refused to order any food. They asked him why.

“I don’t like the cabbage soup they serve in these taverns,” he told them. “And furthermore, all I have left is sixty kopecks.