Midday.

I

[SHABELSKY, LEBEDEV, BORKIN and PYOTR. SHABELSKY and LEBEDEV are sitting on either side of the desk. BORKIN is midstage, astride a chair. PYOTR is standing by the door.]

LEBEDEV: France has a clear and defined policy ... The French know what they want. They just want to wipe out the Krauts, finish, but Germany, my friend, is playing a very different tune. Germany has many more birds in her sights than just France ...1

SHABELSKY: Nonsense! ... In my view the Germans are cowards and the French are cowards ... They’re just thumbing their noses at each other. Believe me, things will stop there. They won’t fight.

BORKIN: And as I see it, why fight? What’s the point of these armaments, congresses, expenditures? You know what I’d do? I’d gather together dogs from all over the country, give them a good dose of rabies2 and let them loose in enemy country. In a month all my enemies would be running rabid.

LEBEDEV [laughing]: Look at him, he has a small head, but it’s teeming with great ideas like the ocean with fish.

SHABELSKY: Genius!

LEBEDEV: Good luck to you and your jokes, Michel Michelich! [Stopping laughing.] So, gentlemen, ‘Jomini, Jomini, but not a tiny word about vodka.’3 Repetatur!4 [Pours three glasses.] Our good health ...

[They drink and eat.]

Mother herring is the queen of all zakuski.5

SHABELSKY: Actually, no, gherkins are better ... Scientists have been thinking since the creation of the world and they have invented nothing more brilliant than the gherkin in brine. [To Pyotr] Pyotr, go and bring some more gherkins and tell them in the kitchen to cook four little onion pies. Hot ones.

[PYOTR goes out.]

LEBEDEV: And it’s a good idea to send vodka down with some caviare. But caviare done how? Here you need some intelligence ... Take a quarter of pressed caviare, two heads of spring onion, olive oil, mix everything together, and just, you know, a squeeze of lemon over the lot ... It’s to die for! You’ll go crazy from just the aroma.

BORKIN: And it’s nice to have a bite of fried gudgeon after the vodka. Only you must know how to fry them. You need to clean them, then roll them in dry breadcrumbs and fry them quite hard so they crunch between the teeth ... cr-cr-crunch ...

SHABELSKY: Yesterday we had an excellent zakuska at Babakina’s — white mushrooms.

LEBEDEV: Really ...

SHABELSKY: Only they were prepared in a special way. You know, with onion, bay leaf and all kinds of spices. When they opened the saucepan, the steam from it, the aroma ... just ecstasy!

LEBEDEV: So? Repetatur, gentlemen!

[They drink.]

Our good health ... [Looks at his watch.] I suppose I’ll miss Nikolasha. It’s time for me to go. You say mushrooms were served at Babakina’s, but we haven’t seen any yet at home. Tell me please, why the devil have you started visiting Marfutka?

SHABELSKY [nodding at Borkin]: He wants to marry me off to her ...

LEBEDEV: Marry? ... How old are you?

SHABELSKY: Sixty-two.

LEBEDEV: The perfect age to get married. And Marfutka is just the partner for you.

BORKIN: It’s not a question of Marfutka but of Marfutka’s cash.

LEBEDEV: So that’s what you want — Marfutka’s cash ... Wouldn’t you like all the tea in China too?

BORKIN: But when our man is married and has his pockets full, then you’ll see some tea. You’ll be licking your lips.

SHABELSKY: God, he really is talking seriously.