The usher did not fail to transmit an account of his proficiency to the commodore, who received it with transport, and forthwith communicated the happy tidings to the parents.

Mr. Gamaliel Pickle, who was never subject to violent emotions, heard them with a sort of phlegmatic satisfaction that scarce manifested itself either in his countenance or expressions; nor did the child's mother break forth into that rapture and admiration which might have been expected, when she understood how much the talents of her first-born had exceeded the hope of her warmest imagination. Not but that she professed herself well pleased with Perry's reputation; though she observed that in these commendations the truth was always exaggerated by school-masters, for their own interest; and pretended to wonder that the usher had not mingled more probability with his praise. Trunnion was offended at her indifference and want of faith, and believing that she refined too much in her discernment, swore that Jennings had declared the truth, and nothing but the truth; for he himself had prophecied from the beginning, that the boy would turn out a credit to his family. But by this time Mrs. Pickle was blessed with a daughter, whom she had brought into the world about six months before the intelligence arrived; so that her care and affection being otherwise engrossed, the praise of Perry was the less greedily devoured. The abatement of her fondness was an advantage to his education, which would have been retarded, and perhaps ruined by pernicious indulgence and preposterous interposition, had her love considered him as an only child; whereas her concern being now diverted to another object that shared, at least, one half of her affection, he was left to the management of his preceptor, who tutored him according to his own plan, without any lett or interruption. Indeed all his sagacity and circumspection were but barely sufficient to keep the young gentleman in order; for now that he had won the palm of victory from his rivals in point of scholarship, his ambition dilated, and he was seized with the desire of subjecting the whole school by the valour of his arm. Before he could bring this project to bear, innumerable battles were fought with various success; every day a bloody nose and complaint were presented against him, and his own visage commonly bore some livid marks of obstinate contention. At length, however, he accomplished his aim; his adversaries were subdued, his prowess acknowledged, and he obtained the laurel in war as well as wit. Thus triumphant, he was intoxicated with success. His pride rose in proportion to his power, and in spite of all the endeavours of Jennings, who practised every method he could invent for curbing his licentious conduct, without depressing his spirit, he contracted a large proportion of insolence, which a series of misfortunes that happened to him in the sequel could scarce effectually tame. Nevertheless there was a fund of good nature and generosity in his composition; and though he established a tyranny among his comrades, the tranquillity of his reign was maintained by the love rather than by the fear of his subjects.

In the midst of all this enjoyment of empire, he never once violated that respectful awe with which the usher had found means to inspire him; but he by no means preserved the same regard for the principal master, an old illiterate German quack, who had formerly practised corn-cutting among the quality, and sold cosmetic washes to the ladies, together with teeth-powders, hair-dying liquors, prolifick elixirs, and tinctures to sweeten the breath. These nostrums, recommended by the art of cringing, in which he was consummate, ingratiated him so much with people of fashion, that he was enabled to set up school with five and twenty boys of the best families, whom he boarded on his own terms, and undertook to instruct in the French and Latin languages, so as to qualify them for the colleges of Westminster or Eaton. While this plan was in its infancy, he was so fortunate as to meet with Jennings, who for the paultry consideration of thirty pounds a year, which his necessities compelled him to accept, took the whole trouble of educating the children upon himself, contrived an excellent system for that purpose, and by his assiduity and knowledge executed all the particulars to the entire satisfaction of those concerned, who by the bye, never inquired into his qualifications, but suffered the other to enjoy the fruits of his labour and ingenuity.

Over and above a large stock of avarice, ignorance and vanity, this superior had certain ridiculous peculiarities in his person, such as a hunch upon his back, and distorted limbs, that seemed to attract the satirical notice of Peregrine, who, young as he was, took offence at his want of reverence for his usher, over whom he sometimes chose opportunities of displaying his authority, that the boys might not misplace their veneration. Mr. Keypstick, therefore, such as I have described him, incurred the contempt and displeasure of this enterprising pupil, who now being in the tenth year of his age, had capacity enough to give him abundance of vexation.

 

 

Chapter XIII

He exercises his Talents at the Expence of the School-Master, whose Character and Business declining, he desires to be recalled

 

As the German professed himself a man of learning, and sometimes affected to make a parade of it, by examining the younger boys on the rudiments of grammar, which he made shift to comprehend; Peregrine, who was advanced as far as Cornelius Nepos, used to teize and perplex him, by frequently begging his explanation of certain sentences in that author, while the usher was engaged in some other employment.

On these occasions he practised a thousand pitiful shifts to conceal his own nakedness; sometimes reprehending the boy for disturbing him in his meditations, sometimes pleading the weakness of his eyes, that hindered him from considering the passage; and sometimes remitting him to the dictionary, as a punishment for his inattention when it was construed by Mr. Jennings. Notwithstanding these evasions, he was persecuted by his tormentor with such perseverance, that he could find no other resource than that of pretending to be in a violent hurry, in consequence of which he always quitted the place; so that whenever Perry and his companions were incommoded by his presence, they had recourse to this expedient, which never failed to expel him in a trice.

Not contented with having thus rendered him contemptible in the eyes of his disciples, this indefatigable wag exercised his invention in various contrivances, to plague, disturb and expose him.

Conscious of his own defect in point of stature and proportion, the little pedant used all the additions of art and address to improve his person, and raise himself as near as possible to the standard dimensions of nature; with this view he wore shoes with heels three inches high, strutted like a peacock in walking, and erected his head with such muscular exertion, as rendered it impossible for him to extend his vision downwards below the preternatural prominence of his breast. Peregrine, therefore, taking advantage of this foppery, used to strew his way with bean-shells, on which whenever he chanced to tread, his heels slipped from under him, his hunch pitched upon the ground, and the furniture of his head fell off in the shock; so that he lay in a very ludicrous attitude for the entertainment of the spectators. He moreover seized opportunities of studding his breeches with large pins, which when he sat down with a sudden jirk, penetrated the skin of his posteriors, and compelled him to start up again with infinite expedition, and roar hideously with the pain. Nay, perceiving that he was extremely penurious in his house-keeping, he spoilt many a pot of excellent soup maigre, by slily conveying into it handfuls of salt or soot, and even drove needles into the heads of sundry fowls, that from the suddenness of their death he might conclude some infection was communicated to his poultry, and dispose of them accordingly for the half of their value. But no instance of young Pickle's mischievous talents affected him with such immediate perplexity and confusion as this that I am going to recount.

Being apprized by one of his friends that a lady of fashion intended to visit his school on a certain day, without giving any previous notice of her coming, that she might be an eye-witness of the accommodation in his house before she would commit her son to his care, he ordered his boarders and apartments to be dished out for the occasion, spared no pains in adorning his own person, and in particular employed a whole hour in adjusting a voluminous tye, in which he proposed to make his appearance. Thus prepared, he waited with great confidence and tranquillity, and no sooner saw the coach appear at a distance, than he went to his closet in order to put on the periwig, which he had deposited in a box, that no accident might ruffle or discompose it before it was presented to her ladyship; but neither the box nor its contents were to be found. At first he thought it might be misplaced by some of the servants, to whom he called with great eagerness and vociferation, while he himself ran from room to room in quest of what he wanted: the domesticks could give him no intelligence of his tye; he heard the gates opened to admit the equipage, his impatience increased, he swore in high Dutch, the noise of the wheels on his pavement saluted his ears, his vexation redoubled, and tossing his night-cap on the floor, he waddled down stairs to the hall for his ordinary periwig, which he now found himself compelled to wear. How shall I describe his distraction when he understood that too was missing! he became quite delirious, foamed at the mouth, danced to and fro in the passage like one bereft of his senses, blasphemed alternately in English and French, and must have been found by the lady in that frantic condition, had not his servants conveyed him to his own chamber by force.

The noble visitant was received by Jennings, who told her that Mr. Keypstick was confined to his bed, and explained the whole oeconomy of the school so much to her satisfaction, that she resolved to honour them with the charge of her own offspring. Keypstick fell sick in good earnest, and his intellects seemed to have received a rude shock from the violence of the passion into which he had been precipitated by the roguery of Peregrine, who had concealed both periwigs in the cellar, and now having enjoyed his trick, carried them back unperceived to the places from which they had been removed.

A whole week elapsed before the master recovered so much temper as to appear decently in public; and even then his countenance was stormy, and his resentment against the authors of his disgrace so intense, that he promised a reward of five guineas to any boy that would discover the principal actor, or any of the accomplices concerned in this audacious intrigue; declaring that no consideration should screen the offenders from condign punishment, could they once be convicted of the trick.

Pickle had not conducted this Jeu d'esprit without participation, and some there were privy to the affair whose fidelity was not incorruptible; but their secrecy was secured by the terror of Peregrine, whose authority and influence was such as to baffle the master in all his endeavours to unravel the conspiracy.

This extraordinary reserve, and the recollection of several other mortifying jokes he had undergone, inspired him with ungenerous suspicions of Mr. Jennings, who he could not help thinking had been at the bottom of them all, and spirited up principles of rebellion in the school, with a view of making himself independent. Possessed with this chimera, which was void of all foundation, the German descended so low as to tamper in private with the boys, from whom he hoped to draw some very important discovery; but he was disappointed in his expectation; and this mean practice reaching the ears of his usher, he voluntarily resigned his employment, and finding interest to obtain holy orders in a little time after, left the kingdom, hoping to find a settlement in some of our American plantations.

The departure of Mr.