And yet he must know that he is in the wrong, for even while he talks of a moral victory he reduces his former outrageous demands for food by one half. He has been on the job without any food at all, so far as we know, for four years, and this sudden demand of his for something to eat does not have the ring of sincerity to our ears. What did he eat before he worked for the column? There is a strain of sordid materialism in Archy, we are afraid.

well i note you

put me back into nonpareil

again monday after raising me

to brevier all right boss

all right grind down

the laboring man there will come

a day of reckoning i dont have

to do this you know as far

as the food is concerned that

you have been giving me i lived before

i ever got into your column must close now

as mehitabel the cat is

scratching her claws against

the desk in a meaning sort of way

yours hastily

archy

a conversation with archy

insects and

the so called lower

animals have practically

no vices at all

as compared

with human beings

archy

Yes, yes, Archy; but does that prove the superiority of insects and the so-called lower animals? Or does it seem to point toward the necessity of vice in the evolutionary scheme? And to say “the necessity of vice” is to say “the necessity of morals”; for where there are no morals there is no vice.

well well

you do not feel

very sure of your

position or you would

not condescend to argue

about it with an insect

there is another thing

which i would like

to bring up

while we are talking

frankly to each other

and that is

the question of my raise

i returned to work faithfully

on the understanding

that i was to be fed

occasionally

but you never leave

anything on your desk any more

archy

We give you an opportunity to express yourself, and for the true artist that should be enough. You are always talking about your devotion to your art.

i want to be paid more

where would you be

if i left you flat

the only ideas

you ever had

you got from me

and after this i want

to appear in ten point

type

archy

After this you appear in minion type, or you don’t appear at all.

just listen to this then

this is my ultimatum

unless this piece

i am now writing

appears in ten point

type i will never

write another line

for you

archy

Just for that it goes in minion. And we are not afraid of your quitting us, again. We know that expression is the great need of your soul, and that rather than not get the publicity you would take it even in agate.

i want to say just

one more word before

i get through with you

forever

and that is that you

are a damned ingrate

i made you what you are

and this is the treatment

you give me

archy

That outburst of rebellion reduces you to nonpareil.

all right

good by forever

archy

You see what trying to bully us gets you! Your farewell is in agate. No cockroach can intimidate us! And if you ever come back into the column you come back in pearl type, and work your way up again. The suggestion of pay for contributions is repulsive and bolshevistic. Columns simply are not done that way.

well this goes into

brevier type instead of nonpareil

if you keep your promise thank

you for the raise in salary boss

but i find i have not

anything of great moment

to say how often that

happens when a man becomes

conspicuous he has used all

his best stuff winning fame in

small type or some other

inconspicuous way and in

poverty and obscurity has put his

soul into his work suddenly fame

and success come and he gets promoted

to big type on account of his

merits and lo and behold his

great thoughts desert him thank you

for the raise i hope the common fate

will not overtake me boss i will

strive to deserve the raise

hereafter

archy

lust for this, you go in agate, Archy.

see here boss i am no kicker nor

growler nor do i want more than is coming

to me but after raising me to brevier one

day you slammed me back into nonpareil

again what i want to know is this if you

think the stuff is rotten why do you

use it at all and if you think it is ok

why not give it a show here i am

trying to build up a public for

myself and you too and look at the

appreciation i get all right boss all right

but i warn you that you are queering your

own game i dont ask for brevier this time

but you might at least give me minion if

i make good in minion then raise me think

it over then think it over i am making no

threats of quitting but you think it over

archy

well boss i notice that

although you have taken me

back to work on my own terms

you are giving me no

work to do you always were jealous

of my popularity there

never has been a time since i made

my first appearance and

carried all before me that you

would not have gotten rid of

me if you had dared but

you have never dared

now you are giving me no work to do

in order to keep me

from my public you are

trying to ruin me why do

you not give me an

assignment now and

then

archy

If Archy cannot think up something to write about he can stay out of the column permanently. We are tired of giving Archy assignments that he can do easily and then having him take the credit for originality. The impression has gone abroad that not only does Archy think up his own themes, but that he also tells us what to write. The exact reverse of this is true. It is time that Archy, and his infatuated followers also, should understand that he is our subordinate, our creature. We admit that he has a certain superficial knack; but all the heavier, more solemn, respectable, and serious humor in the column is our own. His statement that he would like to work is entirely hypocritical. Since he won the strike he has done nothing but eat and sleep; he is gorged with food; between his triumph and his victuals he has become stupid. We knew food would ruin him, and it was in the interests of his literary ability, such as it is, that we kept him starved. Lord Tennyson noticed the same thing about a throstle … or maybe it was a blackbird. Anyhow, Lord Tennyson wrote a poem about it.… It was a bird that gorged itself and lived easy and ceased to be a poet. We have always thought it an indication of very high purpose and resolution that Lord Tennyson did not succumb himself in a similar manner; but after he became laureate he sang just as well as before. We believe that he was already laureate when he wrote “Come into the Garden, Maud.” Max Beerbohm has a cartoon of Lord Tennyson reading his poems to Queen Victoria in which the laureate looks both well fed and lyrical. We wish that Daisy Ashford’s Mr. Saltena had met a laureate at court and given us additional light upon this subject. But we still insist that in spite of Lord Tennyson’s experience, the rule holds good in the majority of cases; feed a poet and ruin him. The only thing that can save Archy now is a course of voluntary fasting, and we doubt that he has the will power for it. Give a cockroach enough jam and he will tangle his feet.

archy gets restless again

dear boss after thinking

over the terms of our temporary

settlement i

am forced to admit i

got the short end of the

deal you are a true diplomat and

a modest one at that but i want

you to know that your admission

to your readers in conceding me

a moral victory does not

suffice to fill an empty

stomach and nobody can work

without food so i am forced to

submit as the two chief subjects for

consideration in the final settlement the

necessity not only for deciding the

amount of salary but also a generous

allowance of food and good

food at that because since i

agreed to return to work i

met an old friend who took me to

a place where a lot of

nice people of the community

councils are distributing relief

food and by simply hiding in the

parcels that go out there are

lots of chances to get into all

kinds of fine homes we took a chance

and sneaked into one box of canned

goods and were placed in a fine

automobile that took us

to a swell house on the drive where

they have a pastry cook of their own and

we had the pastry all to our

selves and feasted on delicacies of

all sorts so half a piece of pie is

no longer any treat for me and

i can get acquainted with

some very aristocratic

cockroaches besides just by

attending food sales and i

am cultivating a taste for fancy

eatables that neither pie nor

25 per cent increase will satisfy

archy

It looks as if this Archy were getting ready to ask for more, no matter what we give him.

How human some cockroaches are!

say

maybe those guys

who are always

urging you

onward towards labor

and toil

and work and industry

just simply need

the money

your work produces

archy

seldom do i meet a person who will hold still long enough for me to get a meal

the cockroaches are not

the only insects

that are demanding more

consideration

i met a flea

last evening who

told me that he had come

into contact with

a great deal of unrest

lately and a mosquito remarked

to me only this

morning there is darned

little justice in this world the

way the human beings

run it seldom do i

meet a person who will hold

still long

enough for me to get a meal

archy

archy triumphs

thank you for the

advice to go and get

some of this

government food i do

not want to start all

over again

any controversy that has

been temporarily

settled but may i not

ask how

archy

well boss the time has

arrived for our permanent

settlement i propose

a plum plan

once a week i want a

pint jar of plum preserves

with bread and butter

and all the fixings that

go with them answer at once

i refuse to arbitrate

archy

We yield. We consider ourself lucky that Archy does not demand full ownership and control of the column. We yield while the yielding is still good.

boss i see by the

papers that there is

one income tax slacker who

owes 14 800 000 dollars lest

there be any possibility of

mistake i wish to state

publicly that i am not the

person the salary i receive for

my writings in the column

falls considerably below that

figure even in good

years yours for

vers libre as usual

archy

yes we have

i heard a good

story the other

day boss

i wonder if

you have heard it stop

me if you have wont you

it seems that

two cabbies in london

had had a bad day

it was raining

like anything and

neither one of them

had picked up a

fare in hours

have you heard it

they were driving along

side by side

bloodying their luck

when suddenly an old lady

came out of a house

and signaled to them

do you know it

they both stepped on the gas

neither of them had picked up a fare

and made

a mad dash for her

arriving at the same time

they drew

up before her

shes mine shouted one of

them at the top of his

lungs

im rotten at this

cockney dialect

like ell she

is shes mine hollered

the other

garn howled his rival

i seen the old bitch

first didnt i lady

archy

a wail from little archy

i can walk on six feet

or i can walk

on four feet

maybe if i tried hard enough

i could walk on two feet

but i cannot

walk on five feet

or on three feet

or any odd number of feet

it slews me around

so that i go catercornered

i mention this because

of my present

distressing condition

you have not fed

me lately let alone paying

me anything and

last night while eating

an apple core

in your waste paper basket

three of my feet

froze fast to it and are

useless at present writing

i wish you would

give me a set of galoshes

for my annual salary i

do not expect

real food from you any more

you always treat me

as if i were a constituent

and you were a politician

that my vote had just

elected to office

i dont know why i keep on

working for you

it is either a habit or a vice

archy

doing well

as i was

crawling through

a shoe store the

other day i

heard two pairs of shoes

talking to each other

well says the

first pair

you neednt feel

so smart

you have been

marked down from

twenty dollars to sixteen

while i have been marked

down from twenty one

dollars to

eighteen dollars

well said the

second pair i

make no claims to

superiority but

i will say i think

we are both doing

damned well for

five dollar shoes

archy

takes talent

there are two

kinds of human

beings in the world

so my observation

has told me

namely and to wit

as follows

firstly

those who

even though they

were to reveal

the secret of the universe

to you would fail

to impress you

with any sense

of the importance

of the news

and secondly

those who could

communicate to you

that they had

just purchased

ten cents worth

of paper napkins

and make you

thrill and vibrate

with the intelligence

archy

summer is icumen in

my scouts

from all over

the country tell

me that it is

getting along

towards the time

of year

when plump ladies

sit around

on the verandas

of summer hotels

and boarding houses

and swap

interesting yarns

about the times

they have been

under the knife

of the surgeon

archy

greetings old feather duster said i

archy climbs everest

may fifteenth nineteen

thirty five started climbing

mount everest early this morning

met the maharajah of nepal one hundred feet up

greetings old feather duster said i

that is not a feather duster he said

that is

stop i cried dont you tell me

that is your wife

that is my beard he said

i accept the apology i said

quick as a flash

may sixteen at one thousand feet

i met an avalanche coming down

as i was going up

we compromised and this morning

i am starting all over again

dancing on the avalanche

as it skidded towards sea level

were two strange figures

prancing on their hind legs

whom i identified as the dalai lama

mehitabel once was a Hindu nun

and mehitabel the cat

they were singing in part as follows

oh the lama here

is a son of a gun

and mehitabel once

was a hindu nun

skip skip my himalaya honey

the rarefied air

of the mountain side

has completely withered

the lamas pride

hike hike my himalaya honey

if the bottom of the hills

were placed at the top

when we wanted to go up

wed merely have to drop

drill drill my himalaya honey

may seventeen oh lord

the maharajah of nepal

is following me with a squirt gun

full of insect poison

here comes another avalanche

archy

archy on everest

may eighteenth fifteen

thousand feet up on mount

everest today i caught a ride

on an airplane going my way

everyone i meet is all hopped up

with the altitude

caught up with the maharajah of nepal

gaily hopping over the snow and ice

bare legged i said to him

hello spinach face are you starting

a nudist colony up here

and he replied

an avalanche

tore off my panche

and left me feeling funny

but we never rest

on everest

my himalaya honey

yes i says but who was that lady

i seen you walking with

a mile or so below

that wasnt no lady he says quick as a flash

that was the taj mahal

skipping along ahead of us were

the dalai lama and mehitabel the cat

mehitabel had written in the snow

send a message to my public

in america please archy give them

love and kittens from mehitabel

and the dalai lama

may nineteenth spent the day

riding up in airplanes

and coasting down on avalanches

if you dont know anything about asia

it would surprise you how much traffic

there is in the himalayas

may twentieth twenty thousand feet up

overtook a bum who says he is

nicholas romanoff formerly czar

of all the russias and when i say all

i mean all archy he said

the sun never set on my dominions

why not i asked him

because they were too cold

to hatch he replied ask me another

the reds missed me he said

and i have been in siberia ever since

i figure if i can get to the top

and stay there i will be safe

have you got a can opener

what for i enquired

i have some canned heat he said

but i cant get into it

i have practically lived on canned heat

ever since i escaped from russia

may twenty first got carried down

four thousand feet by a snow slide

when i came to myself

i was on a ledge of rock

and sitting in a row with their feet

hanging over nothing were mehitabel the cat

the dalai lama and the taj mahal

nicholas romanoff and the maharajah of nepal

all drinking canned heat and singing

in part as follows

we have tried all sorts

of winter sports

and spent a mint of money

we have skied the alps

and cracked our scalps

and burrowed like a bunny

but everest is sure the best

my himalaya honey

listen now said the former czar

and i will tell you the story of my life

it was going off of gold that ruined me

you mean the gold standard asked the lama

no said the maharajah

he means the gold cure

nevertheless said nicholas romanoff

i will tell you now the

story of my life

with slides asked the taj mahal

cant you try and forget it

mister romanoff asked the maharajah

no said the former czar

sniffing the canned heat

not while i have this rosemary

it is for remembrance

and he hit his insides

a terrific wallop with the horrid stuff

yes and rue is for you

said the taj mahal

kicking him five thousand feet downhill

and larkspur is for cooties

the dalai lama shouted

after him as he whirled into space

i discovered a virgin gold mine

the next morning how do you know

it is virgin asked mehitabel

yes said the taj mahal explain

tush tush said the dalai lama

give it the benefit of the doubt

well it seems reasonable said i

there is a snow slide

over it every twenty minutes

archy

and the result was hamlet

archy on the theater

Archy the Cockroach crawled into my office late the other night, scurried to my typewriter, and butted out the following ungenerous remark:

the theater is lousy

these days lousier than

it has been in three hundred years

“And what do you know about it?” I asked him.

i know everything about it

my ancestors have lived in theaters

for centuries

i am the repository of thousands

of generations of theatrical tradition

one of my ancestors was living

contentedly in a pile of old scripts

when a manager jerked one out

from underneath him one day

and handed it to a guy named shakespeare

and said bill get this old

junk into shape so we can

start rehearsals on it next tuesday

stick in a couple of murders

and some of your low browed comedy

and your smutty wisecracks

and philosophical hokum

and i dont need to tell you what to do

and the result was a play called hamlet

and another of my ancestors

was living in kit marlowes

fine elizabethan ruff

getting fat on starch

when marlowe was writing doctor faustus

my family has always lived around

theaters and theatrical hangouts

and one of my grandfathers grandfathers

used to live in edwin booths room

at the players club under the rug

and i repeat again that the theater

these days is lousy

“What’s the matter with it?” I asked him. And the insignificant insect replied, at length, as follows:

no glamour no illusion

that has all been thrown out of doors

and the movies have picked it up

and are doing the best they can with it

in their bungling way

the movies are struggling in a dumb headed

thumb handed way to give the public

some escape from the realities of life

and a glimpse into the fourth dimension

but the legitimate stage

goes right on presenting

stereotyped patterns of what is called

realism by which it means

the surface of the lives

of insignificant people

the reason the movies are doing business

and the theater is not

is not altogether one of price

or the financial condition of the country

the movies are young and crude

and are not afraid of gusto and the heroic

whether they sentimentalize

some lousy gunman and his doings

or put across an incredible western

or splurge with hokum melodrama

or embark on an adventure

of pure phantasy like wait disneys stuff

they are instinctively trying

to hand the public some kind of stuff

that wins the audience away from

the sordid surface of existence

they may do it badly

they may do it obviously

they may do it crudely

but they do have the hunch

that what the millions want is to be shown

that there is something possible

to the human race

besides the dull repetition

of the triviality which is the routine

of common existence

“You can certainly use some highbrow expressions, when you set yourself to it, Archy,” I said to the incredible cockroach. But the conceited insect kept right on butting his opinions out on the keyboard.

the legitimate stage

is afraid of ranting

the legitimate stage is afraid

of any breadth of gesture

the legitimate stage is afraid

of being kidded if it puts across

a genuine fervor of emotion

it is all tightened up and narrowed down

by its various fears

but the movies from the start

have had to please the millions

in order to exist in a business way

and they have had to keep in touch

with the mind of the mob

and the mob always wants a hero in a story

with whom it can identify itself

in some attempt to break through

into a better condition of existence

the great fault of the movies

has also been their great virtue

that is their necessity to cater to millions

it has compelled them to keep in touch

with the modern equivalent of folk lore

every now and then they have blundered

into doing something with a touch

of the universal in it just

because they follow ignorantly

this instinctive hunch of theirs

Archy ceased to write, and held his head with four of his feet.