And we are not afraid of your quitting us, again. We know that expression is the great need of your soul, and that rather than not get the publicity you would take it even in agate.

i want to say just

one more word before

i get through with you

forever

and that is that you

are a damned ingrate

i made you what you are

and this is the treatment

you give me

archy

That outburst of rebellion reduces you to nonpareil.

all right

good by forever

archy

You see what trying to bully us gets you! Your farewell is in agate. No cockroach can intimidate us! And if you ever come back into the column you come back in pearl type, and work your way up again. The suggestion of pay for contributions is repulsive and bolshevistic. Columns simply are not done that way.

well this goes into

brevier type instead of nonpareil

if you keep your promise thank

you for the raise in salary boss

but i find i have not

anything of great moment

to say how often that

happens when a man becomes

conspicuous he has used all

his best stuff winning fame in

small type or some other

inconspicuous way and in

poverty and obscurity has put his

soul into his work suddenly fame

and success come and he gets promoted

to big type on account of his

merits and lo and behold his

great thoughts desert him thank you

for the raise i hope the common fate

will not overtake me boss i will

strive to deserve the raise

hereafter

archy

lust for this, you go in agate, Archy.

see here boss i am no kicker nor

growler nor do i want more than is coming

to me but after raising me to brevier one

day you slammed me back into nonpareil

again what i want to know is this if you

think the stuff is rotten why do you

use it at all and if you think it is ok

why not give it a show here i am

trying to build up a public for

myself and you too and look at the

appreciation i get all right boss all right

but i warn you that you are queering your

own game i dont ask for brevier this time

but you might at least give me minion if

i make good in minion then raise me think

it over then think it over i am making no

threats of quitting but you think it over

archy

well boss i notice that

although you have taken me

back to work on my own terms

you are giving me no

work to do you always were jealous

of my popularity there

never has been a time since i made

my first appearance and

carried all before me that you

would not have gotten rid of

me if you had dared but

you have never dared

now you are giving me no work to do

in order to keep me

from my public you are

trying to ruin me why do

you not give me an

assignment now and

then

archy

If Archy cannot think up something to write about he can stay out of the column permanently. We are tired of giving Archy assignments that he can do easily and then having him take the credit for originality. The impression has gone abroad that not only does Archy think up his own themes, but that he also tells us what to write. The exact reverse of this is true. It is time that Archy, and his infatuated followers also, should understand that he is our subordinate, our creature. We admit that he has a certain superficial knack; but all the heavier, more solemn, respectable, and serious humor in the column is our own. His statement that he would like to work is entirely hypocritical. Since he won the strike he has done nothing but eat and sleep; he is gorged with food; between his triumph and his victuals he has become stupid. We knew food would ruin him, and it was in the interests of his literary ability, such as it is, that we kept him starved. Lord Tennyson noticed the same thing about a throstle … or maybe it was a blackbird. Anyhow, Lord Tennyson wrote a poem about it.… It was a bird that gorged itself and lived easy and ceased to be a poet. We have always thought it an indication of very high purpose and resolution that Lord Tennyson did not succumb himself in a similar manner; but after he became laureate he sang just as well as before. We believe that he was already laureate when he wrote “Come into the Garden, Maud.” Max Beerbohm has a cartoon of Lord Tennyson reading his poems to Queen Victoria in which the laureate looks both well fed and lyrical. We wish that Daisy Ashford’s Mr. Saltena had met a laureate at court and given us additional light upon this subject. But we still insist that in spite of Lord Tennyson’s experience, the rule holds good in the majority of cases; feed a poet and ruin him. The only thing that can save Archy now is a course of voluntary fasting, and we doubt that he has the will power for it. Give a cockroach enough jam and he will tangle his feet.

archy gets restless again

dear boss after thinking

over the terms of our temporary

settlement i

am forced to admit i

got the short end of the

deal you are a true diplomat and

a modest one at that but i want

you to know that your admission

to your readers in conceding me

a moral victory does not

suffice to fill an empty

stomach and nobody can work

without food so i am forced to

submit as the two chief subjects for

consideration in the final settlement the

necessity not only for deciding the

amount of salary but also a generous

allowance of food and good

food at that because since i

agreed to return to work i

met an old friend who took me to

a place where a lot of

nice people of the community

councils are distributing relief

food and by simply hiding in the

parcels that go out there are

lots of chances to get into all

kinds of fine homes we took a chance

and sneaked into one box of canned

goods and were placed in a fine

automobile that took us

to a swell house on the drive where

they have a pastry cook of their own and

we had the pastry all to our

selves and feasted on delicacies of

all sorts so half a piece of pie is

no longer any treat for me and

i can get acquainted with

some very aristocratic

cockroaches besides just by

attending food sales and i

am cultivating a taste for fancy

eatables that neither pie nor

25 per cent increase will satisfy

archy

It looks as if this Archy were getting ready to ask for more, no matter what we give him.

How human some cockroaches are!

say

maybe those guys

who are always

urging you

onward towards labor

and toil

and work and industry

just simply need

the money

your work produces

archy

seldom do i meet a person who will hold still long enough for me to get a meal

the cockroaches are not

the only insects

that are demanding more

consideration

i met a flea

last evening who

told me that he had come

into contact with

a great deal of unrest

lately and a mosquito remarked

to me only this

morning there is darned

little justice in this world the

way the human beings

run it seldom do i

meet a person who will hold

still long

enough for me to get a meal

archy

archy triumphs

thank you for the

advice to go and get

some of this

government food i do

not want to start all

over again

any controversy that has

been temporarily

settled but may i not

ask how

archy

well boss the time has

arrived for our permanent

settlement i propose

a plum plan

once a week i want a

pint jar of plum preserves

with bread and butter

and all the fixings that

go with them answer at once

i refuse to arbitrate

archy

We yield. We consider ourself lucky that Archy does not demand full ownership and control of the column. We yield while the yielding is still good.

boss i see by the

papers that there is

one income tax slacker who

owes 14 800 000 dollars lest

there be any possibility of

mistake i wish to state

publicly that i am not the

person the salary i receive for

my writings in the column

falls considerably below that

figure even in good

years yours for

vers libre as usual

archy

yes we have

i heard a good

story the other

day boss

i wonder if

you have heard it stop

me if you have wont you

it seems that

two cabbies in london

had had a bad day

it was raining

like anything and

neither one of them

had picked up a

fare in hours

have you heard it

they were driving along

side by side

bloodying their luck

when suddenly an old lady

came out of a house

and signaled to them

do you know it

they both stepped on the gas

neither of them had picked up a fare

and made

a mad dash for her

arriving at the same time

they drew

up before her

shes mine shouted one of

them at the top of his

lungs

im rotten at this

cockney dialect

like ell she

is shes mine hollered

the other

garn howled his rival

i seen the old bitch

first didnt i lady

archy

a wail from little archy

i can walk on six feet

or i can walk

on four feet

maybe if i tried hard enough

i could walk on two feet

but i cannot

walk on five feet

or on three feet

or any odd number of feet

it slews me around

so that i go catercornered

i mention this because

of my present

distressing condition

you have not fed

me lately let alone paying

me anything and

last night while eating

an apple core

in your waste paper basket

three of my feet

froze fast to it and are

useless at present writing

i wish you would

give me a set of galoshes

for my annual salary i

do not expect

real food from you any more

you always treat me

as if i were a constituent

and you were a politician

that my vote had just

elected to office

i dont know why i keep on

working for you

it is either a habit or a vice

archy

doing well

as i was

crawling through

a shoe store the

other day i

heard two pairs of shoes

talking to each other

well says the

first pair

you neednt feel

so smart

you have been

marked down from

twenty dollars to sixteen

while i have been marked

down from twenty one

dollars to

eighteen dollars

well said the

second pair i

make no claims to

superiority but

i will say i think

we are both doing

damned well for

five dollar shoes

archy

takes talent

there are two

kinds of human

beings in the world

so my observation

has told me

namely and to wit

as follows

firstly

those who

even though they

were to reveal

the secret of the universe

to you would fail

to impress you

with any sense

of the importance

of the news

and secondly

those who could

communicate to you

that they had

just purchased

ten cents worth

of paper napkins

and make you

thrill and vibrate

with the intelligence

archy

summer is icumen in

my scouts

from all over

the country tell

me that it is

getting along

towards the time

of year

when plump ladies

sit around

on the verandas

of summer hotels

and boarding houses

and swap

interesting yarns

about the times

they have been

under the knife

of the surgeon

archy

greetings old feather duster said i

archy climbs everest

may fifteenth nineteen

thirty five started climbing

mount everest early this morning

met the maharajah of nepal one hundred feet up

greetings old feather duster said i

that is not a feather duster he said

that is

stop i cried dont you tell me

that is your wife

that is my beard he said

i accept the apology i said

quick as a flash

may sixteen at one thousand feet

i met an avalanche coming down

as i was going up

we compromised and this morning

i am starting all over again

dancing on the avalanche

as it skidded towards sea level

were two strange figures

prancing on their hind legs

whom i identified as the dalai lama

mehitabel once was a Hindu nun

and mehitabel the cat

they were singing in part as follows

oh the lama here

is a son of a gun

and mehitabel once

was a hindu nun

skip skip my himalaya honey

the rarefied air

of the mountain side

has completely withered

the lamas pride

hike hike my himalaya honey

if the bottom of the hills

were placed at the top

when we wanted to go up

wed merely have to drop

drill drill my himalaya honey

may seventeen oh lord

the maharajah of nepal

is following me with a squirt gun

full of insect poison

here comes another avalanche

archy

archy on everest

may eighteenth fifteen

thousand feet up on mount

everest today i caught a ride

on an airplane going my way

everyone i meet is all hopped up

with the altitude

caught up with the maharajah of nepal

gaily hopping over the snow and ice

bare legged i said to him

hello spinach face are you starting

a nudist colony up here

and he replied

an avalanche

tore off my panche

and left me feeling funny

but we never rest

on everest

my himalaya honey

yes i says but who was that lady

i seen you walking with

a mile or so below

that wasnt no lady he says quick as a flash

that was the taj mahal

skipping along ahead of us were

the dalai lama and mehitabel the cat

mehitabel had written in the snow

send a message to my public

in america please archy give them

love and kittens from mehitabel

and the dalai lama

may nineteenth spent the day

riding up in airplanes

and coasting down on avalanches

if you dont know anything about asia

it would surprise you how much traffic

there is in the himalayas

may twentieth twenty thousand feet up

overtook a bum who says he is

nicholas romanoff formerly czar

of all the russias and when i say all

i mean all archy he said

the sun never set on my dominions

why not i asked him

because they were too cold

to hatch he replied ask me another

the reds missed me he said

and i have been in siberia ever since

i figure if i can get to the top

and stay there i will be safe

have you got a can opener

what for i enquired

i have some canned heat he said

but i cant get into it

i have practically lived on canned heat

ever since i escaped from russia

may twenty first got carried down

four thousand feet by a snow slide

when i came to myself

i was on a ledge of rock

and sitting in a row with their feet

hanging over nothing were mehitabel the cat

the dalai lama and the taj mahal

nicholas romanoff and the maharajah of nepal

all drinking canned heat and singing

in part as follows

we have tried all sorts

of winter sports

and spent a mint of money

we have skied the alps

and cracked our scalps

and burrowed like a bunny

but everest is sure the best

my himalaya honey

listen now said the former czar

and i will tell you the story of my life

it was going off of gold that ruined me

you mean the gold standard asked the lama

no said the maharajah

he means the gold cure

nevertheless said nicholas romanoff

i will tell you now the

story of my life

with slides asked the taj mahal

cant you try and forget it

mister romanoff asked the maharajah

no said the former czar

sniffing the canned heat

not while i have this rosemary

it is for remembrance

and he hit his insides

a terrific wallop with the horrid stuff

yes and rue is for you

said the taj mahal

kicking him five thousand feet downhill

and larkspur is for cooties

the dalai lama shouted

after him as he whirled into space

i discovered a virgin gold mine

the next morning how do you know

it is virgin asked mehitabel

yes said the taj mahal explain

tush tush said the dalai lama

give it the benefit of the doubt

well it seems reasonable said i

there is a snow slide

over it every twenty minutes

archy

and the result was hamlet

archy on the theater

Archy the Cockroach crawled into my office late the other night, scurried to my typewriter, and butted out the following ungenerous remark:

the theater is lousy

these days lousier than

it has been in three hundred years

“And what do you know about it?” I asked him.

i know everything about it

my ancestors have lived in theaters

for centuries

i am the repository of thousands

of generations of theatrical tradition

one of my ancestors was living

contentedly in a pile of old scripts

when a manager jerked one out

from underneath him one day

and handed it to a guy named shakespeare

and said bill get this old

junk into shape so we can

start rehearsals on it next tuesday

stick in a couple of murders

and some of your low browed comedy

and your smutty wisecracks

and philosophical hokum

and i dont need to tell you what to do

and the result was a play called hamlet

and another of my ancestors

was living in kit marlowes

fine elizabethan ruff

getting fat on starch

when marlowe was writing doctor faustus

my family has always lived around

theaters and theatrical hangouts

and one of my grandfathers grandfathers

used to live in edwin booths room

at the players club under the rug

and i repeat again that the theater

these days is lousy

“What’s the matter with it?” I asked him. And the insignificant insect replied, at length, as follows:

no glamour no illusion

that has all been thrown out of doors

and the movies have picked it up

and are doing the best they can with it

in their bungling way

the movies are struggling in a dumb headed

thumb handed way to give the public

some escape from the realities of life

and a glimpse into the fourth dimension

but the legitimate stage

goes right on presenting

stereotyped patterns of what is called

realism by which it means

the surface of the lives

of insignificant people

the reason the movies are doing business

and the theater is not

is not altogether one of price

or the financial condition of the country

the movies are young and crude

and are not afraid of gusto and the heroic

whether they sentimentalize

some lousy gunman and his doings

or put across an incredible western

or splurge with hokum melodrama

or embark on an adventure

of pure phantasy like wait disneys stuff

they are instinctively trying

to hand the public some kind of stuff

that wins the audience away from

the sordid surface of existence

they may do it badly

they may do it obviously

they may do it crudely

but they do have the hunch

that what the millions want is to be shown

that there is something possible

to the human race

besides the dull repetition

of the triviality which is the routine

of common existence

“You can certainly use some highbrow expressions, when you set yourself to it, Archy,” I said to the incredible cockroach. But the conceited insect kept right on butting his opinions out on the keyboard.

the legitimate stage

is afraid of ranting

the legitimate stage is afraid

of any breadth of gesture

the legitimate stage is afraid

of being kidded if it puts across

a genuine fervor of emotion

it is all tightened up and narrowed down

by its various fears

but the movies from the start

have had to please the millions

in order to exist in a business way

and they have had to keep in touch

with the mind of the mob

and the mob always wants a hero in a story

with whom it can identify itself

in some attempt to break through

into a better condition of existence

the great fault of the movies

has also been their great virtue

that is their necessity to cater to millions

it has compelled them to keep in touch

with the modern equivalent of folk lore

every now and then they have blundered

into doing something with a touch

of the universal in it just

because they follow ignorantly

this instinctive hunch of theirs

Archy ceased to write, and held his head with four of his feet. I thought he was grieving for the condition of the theater, and asked him if this was the case.

no he said

the theater has deserted me

and i am willing to let it go

it saddens me a little to think

that thousands of generations of us

devoted cockroaches are left in the lurch

but the fact is that the legit stage

is no longer the theater in a big way

the moving picture is the theater now

the living and real theater

archy flies

well boss i have had

some experiences you know that

fellow with the teeth that glitter

and the eyes that glitter who

comes in to see you and

who has been talking about his aeroplane

for six months you thought he

was always a liar and

so did i he is the kind of a liar who

looks so much like a liar no one

believes him when he tells the

truth i thought i would call

his bluff so i crawled into

his outside breast pocket the other day

and went out to a place near mineola

with him he really has an aeroplane he

went up in it the next morning and

i went along boss i must have

picked out the wrong position i sat

on top of one of the planes thinking i would see

more of the country boss

dont ask me for any sensations the

only thing i felt was wind i felt

like a sigh in a cyclone i had

about as much control of myself as a

bullet that is going through the

barrel of an airgun i dont want

to rub anything in boss but it

was as hard to hang onto as the water

wagon which is a simile

you may be able to appreciate i

i must have picked out the wrong position

dug all my feet and claws

and teeth in but the wind rushed by

me like a church scandal going

through a little village i would have

felt nausea if

my stomach hadnt been scared to death

it was only a question of time before i

would let loose thank heaven i thought i am

not an elephant i didnt

want to die again so soon just because

i can come to life again is

no reason for overworking a good thing too

many deaths and transmigrations look

vulgar and ostentatious

and when i did let go i must have

been two miles high around and

around i spun whirling like a flake of

soot that has been flipped

off of a devils wing between the

worlds and is spinning back home to

hell and beneath me it looked

like hell there was a vast expanse of water

with the sun making it

seem like melted metal i suppose i said

i will get all my feet wet now and

take my death of cold if a fish

dont eat me and just then i saw

beneath me a great fish grinning as if

he had heard a joke on the

bottom of the sea and come up to

laugh at the cosmos get that

cosmic stuff boss it goes great in some

circles i lit on one of his great white teeth

and waited for the gulp that should land

me in his interior department oh

lord i said if i ever see dry land i

will never mock at that jonah story

again i dont want to die in

midocean and be reincarnated as a

sardine or as an oyster

a cockroach isnt much but

he has a look in in society where

an oyster is never mentioned except as an

article of food but if it

must be it must be kismet and karma and

that bunch of bullies vote us the way they

please we are only instructed delegates

in the universal convention every

time i die it makes me more of a fatalist and

i waited for him to gulp but

he didnt gulp i hopped over to

the next tooth to the right as you go in

and investigated and finally climbed

out where his upper lip would have been if he had

had one and worked up to his eye it was

glassy in death i was floating on a dead shark

and it was all the more unpleasant

because he had not had any dental work done for a

long time or else he had adenoids or maybe

he had died of ptomaine poisoning boss what i am

delicately trying to convey is

that he had been dead so long he had a right to

be ashamed of it just then i

heard human voices and looking around i saw

two young men in bathing suits and

a motor boat a shark a shark cried one

of them put her about the motor is still

busted said the other row row for your

life but wait said the first one this

shark seems deceased bill lets haul him to land

and say we slew him right o torn says

bill it will make a hit with all the girls he

attacked us says torn and i jumped into the water and

cut his throat with my jackknife you

did eh says bill what was i doing then put two

slashes into him which they did one for each and

fastened him to the stern of their boat with a

line and as they towed him to the beach with

me sitting listening they fixed

up an awful lie talk about ovations boss when they

came to the beach they got one the

more i see of human nature the less i know

whether to despise it for being so easily

gulled or for being so ready to

gull by the time they had told

that story eight times each believed that

he was telling the truth although he

still thought maybe the other one was lying well

i left those two heroes

surrounded six deep by girls and came to

town in a little bunch of dress goods samples a

commuters wife has been trying to make

him remember to match my

sympathies being with the shark poor feeble old

thing he had likely perished of old age

to be killed a second time is hard luck but

this is the truth of a story that you

may read another version of in

the news columns

archy

archy and the suicide

well boss i have just

been assisting at a suicide i think the

gentleman who killed himself was

quite right in doing so too

i went into the kitchen of an

up town hotel the other

evening for a bite to eat and after

i had dined i thought

i would look the place over and if

i found a room that appealed to me i

would spend the night there

the room i got into was already

infested by a little old bald headed fellow

with scared eyes and a face like

a petrified turnip who was

hunched up under a reading lamp

reading a

bible all of a sudden he gave a

jump and said gawd gawd there it

is again and i saw a puff of

smoke floating across the

table in front of him it seemed to come

from nowhere in particular smoke

smoke cried the old man i am

haunted by smoke and as

he spoke another puff of smoke

suddenly appeared from nowhere on

the table in front of him

gawd gawd he cried spare me spare

me do not persecute me this way

and i will give all the money to charity

i will give it to the red

cross or any church you

may designate i know

i did wrong to burn down that

building for the

insurance money but how was i

to know there was any one in it i

did not plan a murder a third

puff of smoke seemed to start out of

his own shoulder and floated in

front of his eyes and a fourth

puff hit him on his bald head and made

a little veil in front of his face

gawd gawd he cried and threw

himself on the rug and began to

pray with his face hidden i

thought to myself those

puffs of smoke are peculiar there

isnt anything on fire in

here and then i got a whiff of it

and it smelled like tobacco smoke

then i saw something that looked

like a gray globe floating from the

direction of the bathroom door it

drifted across the room and hit

the reading lamp and vanished with a

puff of smoke i looked at the

bathroom door and i thought i

heard some one chuckle over there and

then i saw another gray globe of smoke forming

at the keyhole it slowly grew and grew till it

was as big as a baseball and then it

detached itself from the door and

floated across the room

i crawled noiselessly under the bath

room door it was one of those bath

rooms midway between two sleeping

rooms and there were a couple of

chuckle headed young fellows sitting

on the floor laughing to

themselves both were about half

soused and they were having a good

time one of them had a slender hollow

brass curtain rod and he was soaping

the end of it and

sticking it into the keyhole then he

would fill his mouth with cigarette

smoke and blow a soap bubble which

drifted into the old mans room what

is he doing now said one of them he

is on the floor praying said the

other taking the rod out of the

keyhole and looking through let me

blow a couple said the first young

man you are too soused said the

second one dont be selfish said the

first one gawd gawd said the voice

from the room i had just left i am

haunted by ghostly smoke i will live

right all the rest of my life if you

only let me off this time

give him another bubble said the

first young man he has got it

coming to him evidently so

they gave him half a dozen more

bubbles the noise

in the haunted mans room ceased for

some minutes what is he doing now

said the first young man i cant see

him said the second one just then

there came a kicking kind of a noise

on the wall i went into the

haunted mans room and found his

closet door was open i went in and he

was just dying he had hanged himself

to a hook on the wall with a trunk

cord those two young fellows had

just the wrong man for their little

practical joke or

just the right man if you want to

look at it that way i

went away from there at once not

wishing to be on hand if there

was any investigation yours

for conscience and coincidence

and may they never meet

archy

and found out too late

comforting thoughts

a fish who had

swallowed an angle worm

found all too late

that a hook was nesting

in its midst ah me

said the poor fish

i am the most luckless

creature in the world

had you not pointed

that out said the worm

j might have supposed

myself a trifle

unfortunate

cheer up you two said

the fisherman jovially

the first two minutes

of that hook are always

the worst you must

cultivate a philosophic

state of mind

boss there is always

a comforting thought

in time of trouble when

it is not our trouble

archy

inspiration

excuse me if my

writing is out of alignment i

fell into a bowl of

egg nog the other

day at the restaurant down

the street which the doctor

says he is glad to

hear you are keeping away

from and when i

emerged i was full of happy

inspirations alas they

vanished ere the break of

day i am sure they

were the most brilliant and

witty things that ever

emanated from the mind of

man or cockroach or poet i

sat inside a mince pie

and laughed and laughed at

them myself the world seemed all

one golden glory boss

i came up the

street to get all this

wonderful stuff onto paper for

you but when i tried to

operate the typewriter

my foot would slip and

by the time i had control

of the machine again

the thoughts had gone

forever it is the

tragedy of the artist

archy

gossip

well boss it is

surprising how many

gossips there are left in

this world and how

easy it is to ruin a

person s reputation

a few days ago an

alleged friend of yours

remarked to another

alleged friend i saw

archy on a bun in

a cafe down town the other

day and the second alleged

friend told another person

that archy had been seen

publicly intoxicated and

the other person went

around saying poor

archy he drinks like a

water bug until my

reputation is ruined you

would think i was

the habitual companion of

the well known dipsas snake

and the truth of

the whole thing is very

simple your alleged friend did

see me on a bun

in a cafe it was a

common ordinary bun such as

you spread butter on

and eat and i

was eating at it

just as i would sit on any other

piece of bread and eat but

now all my friends are

saying to me

did i see you on a

bun or did i not

answer yes or no and if i

answer no they say

prevaricator i saw you on a

bun and if i answer yes they

say i thought so and

will not let me explain and

if i do not answer

at all they say

aha too full for

utterance sometimes i

bate the world

archy

a close call

thank you boss for the

swiss cheese i hardly hoped

for a whole one i

took up quarters in it at once

the little galleries and caves and

runways appealed to

my sense of adventure after

i had made a square

meal i lay down in the inner

chamber for a nap feeling

safe i had hardly composed my limbs

for slumber when i heard

a gnawing sound and squeaks

of glee cautiously i

approached the north gallery a mouse

was there i hastily

retreated thinking i would make

my escape by way of one of the

windows on the south facade another

mouse was there the citadel

in short was attacked on all sides mice

mice mice coming nearer and nearer

their cold blooded squeaks and the champing

of their cruel teeth made the night

hideous minute after minute i lay

in the stokehold

until the slow minutes grew into

intolerable hours of agony great drops

of perspiration broke through the callus

on my brow i prayed for

dawn or the night watchman suddenly

into my retreat protruded a whisker it

was so near it tickled me closer and

closer it came it twitched i knew

that it had felt me a moment more and

all would be over just as

i prepared myself for another

transmigration mehitabel the cat

bounded into the room and i was saved

if you get me another cheese please

put a wire cage over it

archy

kidding the boss

well boss if i

were you i would not

put too much

trust in the

candor of those people

who tell you that you

will ever learn to

play kelley pool a

cockroach who lives

in one of the

pockets of the

pool table of that place

where you are so

often inveigled into playing

tells me that he

has never yet had to

dodge a ball that

you hit he sticks his

head out of his dugout

and watches the

game in perfect security

while you are shooting he

says it is a shame

the way you fall for the

flattery of those who

tell you that you are

improving my only

interest in the

matter is connected

with the fact that if

you wasted less

money on what will

always remain a game of

chance to you

you might be able to

do the square thing by

me and slip a

little money my way

now and then

for my contributions

archy

a sermon

well boss here

we are on the job again

you simply cannot

keep a good bug down

as a cockroach friend

of mine once

remarked to a fat man

who had

inadvertently

swallowed him along

with a portion

of hungarian goulash

although the remark

i understand

originated with jonah

well the main

thing is to keep

cheerful in spite

of the ups and

downs as i

heard an oyster

remark to his mate

last evening

only six weeks till

may says he

and if we go that long

without being eaten

we will get through

till September and

maybe by that time

nobody will want to

eat us no such

luck for us says

she nonsense says

he be more optimistic

i have noticed

every year that if

i get through

march i always

get through the rest

of the year

and just at that

moment a waiter

put the melancholy

oyster on a plate to

be served and eaten

and rejected the

cheerful oyster

there is a great

moral lesson

in this i pick

up a great many

little sermons of this

sort in my capacity as a

roach about town

archy

difficulties of art

boss why dont you get a

ribbon put into your typewriter it is only

after the most desperate exertions that

i am able to pound out these few lines i

had to get a sheet of carbon paper

and insert it between two sheets of white paper

and fix it in the machine in order to

write at all and would never have got it

done if it hadnt been that mehitabel the

cat and all the rest of the gang

around here helped me i had something

important i wanted to write you but all this

frightful physical labor has driven it out

of my mind it is always so with the

artist by the time he has overcome the

difficulties that lie between him and

his masterpiece

he is tired i wish you would get me an

electric typewriter and why not have me

endowed so i would not have to worry about

material things at all i would like to write

and eat and sleep and not work at anything else

archy

We said to Archy the other day: “You are welcome to our house any time you wish, if you come alone. But please cease bringing your friends and kinsfolk with you.” To which he replied:

boss

you should have learned

by this time

that literature

  makes strange

bedfellows

the captain s little golden headed daughter flung crumbs to the hungry porpoises

a spiggoty hero

i met a big spiggoty cockroach

down by one of the

docks where the fruit steamships come in

the other day who says he

is quite a hero

the deed he did will soon be

shown in the movies he thinks for

he is certain that a camera

man was present

an american battleship was going through

one of the locks of the

panama canal he says and

the captain s little golden

headed daughter was sitting in the

bows flinging crumbs from a sea

biscuit to the hungry porpoises

which flocked about the vessel when

in hurling a large crumb she lost her

balance and fell overboard the

old lock keeper immediately became rattled the

ship was half way through the gate when

the child fell among the

porpoises and the old lock keeper

saw her fall and let

loose of the lever

the ponderous gates were swinging shut and

both the battleship and the

little golden haired girl would

have been caught between them and

pinched into nothingness if

this spiggoty cockroach

according to his story had not retained his

presence of mind

he gave one leap he says and landed

on one of the cog wheels that

are worked by the old lock keeper s lever

he braced himself between a cog on one

wheel and a cog on the other and

exerted all his strength and in

an instant the machinery was stopped because

the wheels could no longer revolve he

made himself a wedge he says

it was a great strain he says and the

pressure on his forehead and feet was

something frightful the old lock keeper

plunged in among the porpoises and handed up

the little golden haired girl

to the ship and just then the captain of

the vessel noticed that the

heroic cockroach was weakening and hastily

sent a cabin boy to find a

bootjack which when found

he inserted among the cogs thus

releasing the heroic cockroach who fell

unconscious to the deck of the vessel the

old lock keeper returned to his duty grasped the

lever again and the bootjack was

removed the ship sailing onward happy

and safe the captain insisted on decorating

him in front of the crew for his

heroism he would have shown me the decorations

he said but on his way north he

was very hungry and ate them up

in his sleep one night he dreamed he

was eating he says and when he woke at

dawn he found the decorations had

disappeared but he did show me the scars

on his forehead and feet to

prove his story i will not say there

was rum on the ship that he came north on but

i will say that there was

something that did not smell quite like

molasses on his breath as he talked to me and i

should like to see the movie

films before i underwrite the story i told

him so and he acted sad and

injured if i had been lying he said i

could have thought of a better lie than

that something more picturesque i would have

said that the old lock keepers whiskers got caught

in the cog wheels and he was

being slowly drawn into the

machinery and would have

died a horrible death and that i

rescued him as well as the little

girl and the battleship well we went

down the street and met another

roach a friend of mine and this

spiggoty told the story to him and when he

told it he said that the old

lock keepers whiskers had been caught and

so forth

and showed a gray horsehair he had

picked up on the street a moment before and

said it was a hair from the old

lock keepers beard which he

had given him as a keepsake in

vino veritas may be right but rum if

it was rum i smelled seems to work

differently

archy

sociological

when the cold weather

comes i always

get a new interest in sociology

i am almost human that way

it worries me as to how

the other half

are going to get through

the winter

last evening i went

into a cheap eating house

and dropped into a beef stew

and had a warm bath

and a bite to eat

and listened afterwards

to a couple of bums

who had begged enough

during the day to get a supper

they were talking

about this new movement

on the part of the jobless

and homeless

to take possession of the churches

and live there during

the cold weather

said the first bum

i dont think i could do it

it would bring up

too many associations

you see i am a minister s son

you too exclaimed the second bum

why i also

am the son of a preacher

my father was a minister

in small towns all his life

he worked himself to death at it

he never got paid enough

to live on

and it was not until i left home

and became a hobo that i ever

got as much as i wanted to eat

at one meal

precisely my experience

said the other bum

have you ever had any temptation

said number one

to quit being a hobo

and take a regular job

yes said number two

very often

but i have always had

the strength of character

to resist temptation

it is my duty to my fellow men

to see that they have

material on which to wreak

their passion to be charitable

during the christmas holidays

it makes the well to do

more comfortable and gives

them a warm virtuous glow

when they give me a dime

and i should not feel justified

in taking from them

such a simple and inexpensive pleasure

yes said the other bum

the rich we have always with us

they are the great problem of the age

we must treat them as well

as we can and help them

to have a little fun by the way

so that they can forget

at least temporarily

the biblical assurance

that it is as hard for them to enter

the kingdom of heaven

as for a camel

to pass through a needle s eye

well said the other one

sometimes i think i would

be willing to change places

with a rich man

and run the risk

oh certainly said the other

i have never had any instinctive

hatred for riches

it is only work that i detest

riches are all very well

if you inherit them

but i doubt if they are worth

toiling for

think of all the millions

toiling miserably in order

to be damned

it is a pathetic sight

but if one inherits riches

he knows that the fates

have doomed him to be damned

before his birth

and it is of little use to struggle

that is far different from striving

desperately all one s life

to lay up enough wealth

to damn one

i perceive said his new found friend

that your early training

has stayed by you

you have a truly religious nature

yes replied the other

at the cost of great

personal sacrifice in many ways

i have kept myself

an object of charity

in order to foster

the spirituality of the well to do

the most passionate piety

could do but little more

but if you had inherited

great riches said the other bum

would you have given them to the poor

i doubt was the reply

that i would have felt justified

in doing that

i would more likely have said to myself

that providence

had by that token

marked me out as one destined

to hell fire

and i would have considered it

impious to struggle against

the manifest wishes of heaven

well sighed the other

life is full of terrible problems

indeed it is

rejoined his friend

but i am afraid that i shall

never solve even the least of them

when i am empty and cold

i am not in the mood for meditation

and when i am warm and replete

i go to sleep

the few guiding principles

i learned in father s church

have carried me thus far

and i shall go on to the end

never thinking beyond them

i merely apply them literally

and they work

they have made me what i am

he concluded complacently

archy

never blame the booze

as i go up and down the town

hither to and fro i gather many a

smile and frown and talk of

thus and so i lately

listened and i heard two chaps

their luck bewail life did not get

a pleasant word they

told an awful tale for one of them

had just been fired he

glummed and wondered why he cried

into his beer

aspired

to punch the boss his eye too

true the other one exclaimed this

world s a burning shame the

game of living has been framed it is

a rotten game and ever as they railed

at fate and wooed the sombre muse

they steadily absorbed a great

sufficiency of booze but neither one

that cursed his luck and beat his burning bean

would blame the downfall on the truck

that passed his lips between

and as i listened there i thought it were

more candid far to give its dues to what they bought

across the varnished bar they should indeed

be far more frank about their hard lucks boss

they should remark

each genial tank unto their bosses faces

you can t expect a man to drink as much as i do boss

and have much time to work and think

and put the job across

oh boss you ask too much of me

i do the best i can but who can lush

continually and be a working man

you can t expect a man to booze from morning

until night and feel quite nimble

in his shoes and add his figures right oh boss

you ask too much of us we have no flair for toil

we d rather daily dally thus imbibing joyful oil

you can t expect a man to souse

and do work for your business house so do not be unjust

twere more like reason if they said such words

unto their bosses than tear the hair

and beat the head and blame luck

for their losses

archy

the sad crickets

well boss it may

surprise you to learn

that a cricket does not

sing to be cheerful

as chas dickens believed

he sings because he

feels so melancholy i

asked one with whom

i have become well

acquainted what his song

meant and he

replied

there are no words

to go with

that music but the

music is sad i

make that music these

hot nights because i

have prickly heat

and there is nothing else

to do and another

cricket said yes

our song is sad i am

not troubled by the

heat but my song is

melancholy too the words to

my song said the second

cricket are as follows

and he repeated them for

me to wit

my love fell into a spiders web

squeak squeak squeak

and she screamed with pain as he

crunched her bones into his

bloody beak squeak squeak

squeak yes i said that is

sad very sad said the

cricket but not as sad as the

second stanza which goes

as follows my love got caught in

the crack of the door squeak

squeak squeak and i think with

grief of the way she died whenever

i hear it creak

squeak squeak squeak

whenever i hear it creak

squeak squeak squeak

that brings tears to my eyes

i said yes he said

there is nothing you could call

jolly about the

second stanza nor the

third fourth and fifth stanzas

friend i said

hurriedly let me hear the

last stanza

he looked at me as if

i had struck him

and hurried off with

tears in his gentle eyes

one thing that

makes crickets so

melancholy is that

they have the artistic

temperament

archy

fond recollections

boss i saw a

pitiful sight yesterday i

was crawling across the

ruins of an old house that

the workmen are tearing

down up town and

i saw a middle

aged man sitting on a

pile of bricks with

his gray hair in his hands he

was weeping and moaning

and i gathered from his

remarks that the place was once

a boarding house where

he had spent

many happy years i caught

a few strophes of his

song of woe as

follows

o workman spare that bathtub o

that bathtub made of zinc

that bathtub in the boarding house

that i lived in for years

fond recollections of

my youth surge oer

me when i think

upon that bathtub in that

boarding house and i

choke up with tears

when splashing of a Sunday

morn a peevish voice and surly

would tell me to make

haste and be

myself again adorning

throughout the week it

had few friends

but o on sunday morning

that bathtub in the

boarding house was

busy bright and early

how well i can remember how

as i tripped down the hall

the boarders heads would

be poked out along the

corridor

the sound of some one singing

upon my ears would fall

and sounds of others waiting

and getting very sore

o workman spare that

bathtub to me it does

bring back

the merry days when i was

young and all the world was pink

o workman spare that bathtub

from ruin and from rack

the bathtub in the

boarding house

the bathtub made of zinc

archy

immorality

i was up to central

park yesterday watching some

kids build a snow man when

they were done and had

gone away i looked it

over they had used two

little chunks of wood for

the eyes i sat on one

of these and stared at

the bystanders along came a

prudish looking

lady from flatbush she

stopped and regarded the

snow man i stood

up on my hind legs in

the eye socket and

waved myself at her

horrors she cried even the

snow men in manhattan

are immoral officer arrest

that statue it winked

at me madam said the cop

accept the tribute

as a christmas present

and be happy my own

belief is that some

people have immorality

on the brain

archy

archy is excited

dear boss i am

acquiring more

and more contempt

for you humans

i heard a couple

of girls yesterday

saying what a nice

christmas present it

would make to catch

a live archy

and have him gilded and

wear him on

a little chain

attached to a scarf

pin yours for red rum

ruin revolt and rapine

archy

archy reports

ive got just one

resolution for this year boss

and here it is

better stuff and more rhymes

what have i got to look

forward to otherwise if

a vers libre poet is

reincarnated into

a cockroach what will

a vers libre cockroach

be reincarnated into i

ask you

i don t want to be

a amoeba next time do i

i sing the glad noo year

thats tending toward the norm

my song is one of cheer

im going to reform

see

archy

archy says

i suppose the human race

is doing the best it can

but hells bells thats

only an explanation

its not an excuse

i heard a dry telling a flapper

the other day that since repeal

the women are drinking

too much gin

and the young lady

thoughtfully replied o nerts

there aint too much gin

there aint hardly enough

mehitabel the cat

was running around with a torn cat

off a cruiser when the fleet

was in new york

and she said to me yesterday

archy i wish you would come

down to shinbone alley

and see the seven funny little

sea serpents yowling around there

trying to put it across on me

that i am their parent

every time i go in for

a platonic friendship

there aint too much gin there aint hardly enough

it turns out plutonic

my maternal instinct

has proved to be a great drawback

it started when i was practically

a debutante and has been going

from bad to worse ever since

my ideals are putty

your ikons made of mud

and so you think me nutty

and i think youre a dud

archy

the book worm

well boss i had one gay

time last night i ran

onto a book worm in one of

the tomes on your desk and

found him a friendly

little cuss come he said to

me with his little eyes

shining brightly through his

horn rimmed glasses let us

make a night of it let us

have a gay evening lead on

says i we will go says

he to the annual

exhibit of the new york

microscopical society at the

american museum of natural

history they have there

some treponema pallidum some

models of amoeba and

paramoecium and some

pediculus capitis the deuce you

say said i yes said he it

will be a rare treat

indeed there are also some

ziroons there showing their

pioochroic halos the

nerve of them i said do

the authorities know it my

word yes says he the department of

health is responsible for

it come let us hasten there is

also a fine selection

of diplococci to say nothing

of the protococcus nivalis and

a specimen of phlogopito

from canada it sounds like a

jolly gang i said will there

be anything to drink

at this party i understand

he said that cerebro spinal

fluid will flow

like water the gay dogs i

said guide me to

it professor its always

fair weather when good fellows get

together i must warn

you he says that one

is not allowed to feed the

animalculae well when we

got there what do you

suppose the bunch was

germs boss germs just

ordinary germs pardon me i said

i will associate

with insects humans and

ghosts but not knowingly

with germs you must excuse me

one must draw the line somewhere

these friends of yours look

like alien enemies to me they

may have noble names but

their blood is thin

so i left

him flat and dropped into

a beef steak pie in one

of these arm chair restaurants for

a bite to eat and a

warm bath before

going to bed

that book worm was

out for some wild

evening boss its strange how

many of these quiet

looking little high brows have

bohemian tastes

archy

i rode on it that s how i got back here

archy s comet

several persons have

asked me during

the last few days have

you seen the comet

and my answer has been

seen it why

i rode on it

that is how i got

back here after my

travels it is my private

comet i park

it up there and it

waits until i am ready

to go somewhere

else ask me something

different

archy

progress

if mars

and earth ever do

get into communication

probably they will be

swapping

scandalous stories

inside of three hours

archy

he has enemies

boss i dont want to

be importunate or nag you or

anything like that but

working nights and sleeping by day as

much as i do i dont get

time to hustle up any

grub for myself wont

you please leave

something behind the radiator it has

been three days since i ate i might

have dined on an apple core last night

but there was white powder

sprinkled near it and over it i

have my enemies boss a little scrap of

dried beef would be appreciated

archy

barbarous

in a restaurant uptown

i dropped into a beef stew

yesterday for a warm bath

and a bite to eat

and i heard a horrid discussion

between a waiter and a customer

they were talking about fishing

and the customer says the best luck

he ever had was one time when he

was staying at a run down hotel

in the country and he used cockroaches for bait

the waiter made a note

and says he is going to write

to a rod and gun column in a paper about it

yes says the customer do so and i bet you

in a year from now

they won t be using anything but cockroaches

and they will be worth almost

their weight in gold

boss please petition congress at once

and get a law passed

against cruel and unusual bait

after all i have done for this country

am i to be in danger

of getting the hook like that

if you abolish the cockroaches

no boarding house will seem like home

and no home like a boarding house

why i have lived in places

which would have fallen down

if the spider webs and cockroaches

had been removed

i consider fishing a barbarous sport anyhow

archy

pulled a piece of cheese rind over my head

the demon rum

well boss on these

rainy days i wish i was

web footed like a jersey mosquito no

one has yet invented

an umbrella for cockroaches i was

over across the street

to the barroom you used to

frequent before you reformed today

and it was raining outside i

pulled a piece of cheese

rind over my head to

protect me from the weather and

started for the door as i

passed by one of the booths a man

who was sitting in it said to

his companion please call a

taxi for me where do you want to go

said his companion i am

bad again said the man i want to

go to some place where they

treat nervous diseases

at once you look all right

said his companion i may look all

right said he but i don t see

all right i just saw a piece

of cheese rind crawling along the

floor and as i passed by i

said to myself beware the demon rum

it gives your brain a quirk

it puts you on the bum

and gives the doctors work

archy

ancient lineage

professor slosson

says that the cockroach

is one of the eldest of the

creatures that inhabit

the globe

two hundred and fifty

millions of years

ago the cockroach

existed just as he exists

today of course it is

very flattering

to have this scientific

testimony to my ancient

lineage i can trace my

ancestry back without

a break to old adam cockroach

himself but the real question is

how much has the cockroach

learned in two hundred and

fifty million of years

well i can tell you

in a few brief words

the cockroach has learned

how to make man

the so called lord

of creation work for him

the cockroach lives

in peace and plenty

while the human race

hustles to support him

all the social institutions

of all time have existed

merely for the purpose

of forming a pyramid

on the apex of which

perches the cockroach triumphant

it has taken us a long

time but we point

with pride to the achievement

if you don t believe me

read professor slosson s

article

archy

quaint

“Does Archy ever visit Greenwich Village?” asks R.P. “I found myself in company with a cockroach of a dissipated but still scholarly appearance in one of the cafés over there the other evening.…”

Archy, we regret to say, will frequent the Village. Indeed, we hear that he is planning to open a café of his own to be known as “Ye Crusty Cockroach.”

“But why the ‘Ye,’ Archy?” we asked him.