Never a wife in Windsor

leads a better life than she does: do what she will, say what

she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list105, rise when

she list, all is as she will, and truly she deserves it, for if there

be a kind107 woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her

your page, no remedy.

FALSTAFF    Why, I will.

MISTRESS QUICKLY    Nay, but do so, then, and, look you, he may

come and go between you both: and in any case have a nay-111

word, that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy

never need to understand anything, for ’tis not good that

children should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know,

have discretion, as they say, and know the world.

FALSTAFF    Fare thee well, commend me to them both. There’s

my purse: I am yet thy debtor.— Boy, go along with this

woman.

[Exeunt Mistress Quickly and Robin]

This news distracts119 me.

PISTOL    This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers120.

Clap on more sails, pursue, up with your fights121,

Give fire. She is my prize, or ocean whelm122 them all!

[Exit]

FALSTAFF    Say’st thou so, old Jack123? Go thy ways: I’ll make more

of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after124

thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now

a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly126

done, so it be fairly127 done, no matter.

[Enter Bardolph, with a goblet]

BARDOLPH    Sir John, there’s one Master Broom below would

fain129 speak with you and be acquainted with you, and hath

sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.

FALSTAFF    Broom is his name?

BARDOLPH    Ay, sir.

FALSTAFF    Call him in.

[Exit Bardolph]

Such Brooms are welcome to me, that o’erflows such liquor.

Aha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed135

you? Go to, via136!

[Enter Bardolph, with Ford disguised, carrying a bag of money]

FORD    Bless you, sir.

FALSTAFF    And you, sir. Would you speak with me?

FORD    I make bold to press with so little preparation139 upon

you.

FALSTAFF    You’re welcome. What’s your will? Give us leave141,

drawer142.

[Exit Bardolph]

FORD    Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my

name is Broom.

FALSTAFF Good Master Broom, I desire more acquaintance

of you.

FORD    Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge147 you, for

I must let you understand I think myself in better plight148 for a

lender than you are, the which hath something emboldened

me to this unseasoned150 intrusion. For they say, if money go

before, all ways do lie open.

FALSTAFF    Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on152.

FORD    Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me.

If you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or

Sets it down

half, for easing me of the carriage155.

FALSTAFF    Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

FORD    I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

FALSTAFF    Speak, good Master Broom: I shall be glad to be your

servant.

FORD    Sir, I hear you are a scholar — I will be brief with

you — and you have been a man long known to me, though

I had never so good means as desire to make myself

acquainted with you. I shall discover163 a thing to you, wherein

I must very much lay open mine own imperfection. But,

good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you

hear them unfolded, turn another into the register166 of your

own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith167 you

yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.

FALSTAFF    Very well, sir, proceed.

FORD    There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband’s

name is Ford.

FALSTAFF    Well, sir.

FORD    I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed

much on her: followed her with a doting observance174,

engrossed opportunities to meet her, fee’d175 every slight

occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her: not

only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely177

to many to know what she would have given178. Briefly, I have

pursued her as love hath pursued me, which hath been on the

wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either

in my mind or in my means, meed181 I am sure I have received

none, unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an

infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this:

‘Love like a shadow flies when substance184 love pursues,

Pursuing that that flies185, and flying what pursues.’

FALSTAFF    Have you received no promise of satisfaction186 at her

hands?

FORD    Never.

FALSTAFF Have you importuned189 her to such a purpose?

FORD    Never.

FALSTAFF Of what quality was your love, then?

FORD    Like a fair house built on another man’s ground, so

that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I

erected194 it.

FALSTAFF To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

FORD    When I have told you that, I have told you all.

Some say that though she appear honest197 to me, yet in other

places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd198

construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of

my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding,

admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic201 in your

place and person, generally allowed202 for your many war-like,

court-like and learned preparations203.

FALSTAFF    O, sir!

FORD    Believe it, for you know it. There is

Points to the bag

money: spend it, spend it, spend more, spend all I have, only

give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an

amiable208 siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife. Use your art

of wooing, win her to consent to you. If any man may, you

may as soon as any.

FALSTAFF    Would it apply well to211 the vehemency of your

affection that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks

you prescribe to yourself very preposterously213.

FORD    O, understand my drift214: she dwells so securely on

the excellency of her honour that the folly215 of my soul dares

not present itself. She is too bright to be looked against216. Now,

could I come to her with any detection217 in my hand, my

desires had instance218 and argument to commend themselves:

I could drive her then from the ward219 of her purity, her

reputation, her220 marriage-vow, and a thousand other her

defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against

me. What say you to’t, Sir John?

FALSTAFF    Master Broom, I will first make bold with your

money. Next, give me your hand. And last, as

Takes the bag

I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.

FORD    O, good sir!

FALSTAFF    I say you shall.

FORD    Want228 no money, Sir John: you shall want none.

FALSTAFF    Want no Mistress Ford, Master Broom, you shall

want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own

appointment. Even as you came in to me, her assistant or go-

between parted from me. I say I shall be with her between ten

and eleven, for at that time the jealous rascally knave her

husband will be forth234. Come you to me at night: you shall

know how I speed235.

FORD    I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know

Ford, sir?

FALSTAFF    Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave, I know him not.

Yet I wrong him to call him poor: they say the jealous

wittolly knave hath masses of money, for the which240 his wife

seems to me well-favoured241. I will use her as the key of the

cuckoldly rogue’s coffer, and there’s my harvest-home242.

FORD    I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid

him if you saw him.

FALSTAFF Hang him, mechanical salt-butter245 rogue! I will stare

him out of his wits, I will awe him with my cudgel. It shall

hang like a meteor247 o’er the cuckold’s horns.