I am sworn of the peace.

You have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh

hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You

must go with me, Master Doctor.

HOST    Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Monsieur Mockwater50.

CAIUS    Mock-vater? Vat is dat?

HOST    Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.

CAIUS    By gar, then I have as much mock-vater as de

Englishman. Scurvy Jack-dog54 priest! By gar, me vill cut his

ears.

HOST    He will clapper-claw56 thee tightly, bully.

CAIUS    Clapper-de-claw? Vat is dat?

HOST    That is, he will make thee amends.

CAIUS    By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me, for,

by gar, me vill have it.

HOST    And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.

CAIUS    Me tank you for dat.

HOST    And, moreover, bully— but first,

Speaks aside with Shallow, Page and Slender

Master guest, and Master Page, and eke

Cavaliero Slender, go you through the

town to Frogmore66.

PAGE    Sir Hugh is there, is he?

HOST    He is there. See what humour he is in. And I will

bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?

SHALLOW    We will do it.

PAGE, SHALLOW and SLENDER    Adieu, good Master Doctor.

[Exeunt Page, Shallow and Slender]

CAIUS    By gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak for a jack-72

an-ape to Anne Page.

HOST    Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience, throw cold

water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me through

Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a

farmhouse a-feasting, and thou shalt woo her. Cried game77,

said I well?

CAIUS    By gar, me dank you vor dat. By gar, I love you, and

I shall procure-a you de good guest: de earl, de knight, de

lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

HOST    For the which I will be thy adversary82 toward Anne

Page. Said I well?

CAIUS    By gar, ’tis good, vell said.

HOST    Let us wag, then.

CAIUS    Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.

Exeunt

Act 3 Scene 1

running scene 8

Enter Evans and Simple.

Evans with a sword in one hand and a book in the other, Simple carrying Evans’ gown

EVANS    I pray you now, good master Slender’s serving-man,

and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked

for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic3?

SIMPLE    Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward4, every

way: Old Windsor5 way, and every way but the town way.

EVANS    I most fehemently desire you, you will also look

that way.

SIMPLE    I will, sir.

Steps aside and keeps watch

EVANS    Pless my soul, how full of chollors9 I am, and

trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me.

How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals11 about his

knave’s costard12 when I have good opportunities for the ’ork.

Pless my soul!

To shallow rivers, to whose falls14

Sings

Melodious birds sings madrigals15.

There will we make our peds of roses,

And a thousand fragrant posies.

To shallow—

Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.

Melodious birds sing madrigals.

Sings

When as I sat in Pabylon21

— And a thousand vagram22 posies.

To shallow, etc.

SIMPLE    Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.

EVANS    He24’s welcome.

To shallow rivers, to whose falls—

Sings

Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?

SIMPLE    No weapons28, sir. There comes my master, Master

Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the

stile, this way.

Enter Page, Shallow and Slender

EVANS    Pray you give me my gown, or else keep it in your

arms.

Reads his Bible

SHALLOW    How now, Master Parson? Good morrow, good Sir

Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student

from his book, and it is wonderful.

SLENDER    Ah, sweet Anne Page!

Aside?

PAGE    ’Save you, good Sir Hugh!

EVANS    ’Pless you from38 his mercy sake, all of you!

SHALLOW    What, the sword and the word39? Do you study them

both, Master Parson?

PAGE    And youthful still: in your doublet and hose41, this

raw rheumatic day?

EVANS    There is reasons and causes for it.

PAGE    We are come to you to do a good office, Master

Parson.

EVANS    Fery well: what is it?

PAGE    Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike47,

having received wrong by some person, is at most odds48 with

his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.

SHALLOW    I have lived fourscore50 years and upward: I never

heard a man of his place, gravity and learning so wide of his51

own respect.

EVANS    What is he?

PAGE    I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the

renowned French physician.

EVANS    Got’s will, and his passion of my heart, I had as lief56

you would tell me of a mess of porridge57.

PAGE    Why?

EVANS    He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates59 and

Galen, and he is a knave besides — a cowardly60 knave as you

would desires to be acquainted withal.

PAGE    I warrant you, he’s62 the man should fight

To Shallow

with him.

SLENDER    O sweet Anne Page!

Aside?

SHALLOW    It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:

here comes Doctor Caius.

[Enter Host, Caius and Rugby]

Evans and Caius prepare to fight

PAGE    Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.

SHALLOW    So do you, good Master Doctor.

HOST    Disarm them, and let them question69.

Shallow and Page take their swords

Let them keep their limbs whole and hack70

our English.

CAIUS    I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.

Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

EVANS    Pray you, use your patience.— In good

Aside to Caius/Aloud

time.

CAIUS    By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

EVANS    Pray you, let us not be laughing-stocks

Aside to Caius

to other men’s humours. I desire you in friendship, and I will

one way or other make you amends.— I will knog your

urinal about your knave’s coxcomb80.

Aloud

CAIUS    Diable! Jack Rugby, mine host de Jarteer, have I not

stay82 for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?

EVANS    As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this is the

place appointed, I’ll be judgement by84 mine host of the Garter.

HOST    Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul85, French and Welsh,

soul-curer and body-curer!

CAIUS    Ay, dat is very good, excellent.

HOST    Peace, I say. Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I

politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel89? Shall I lose my doctor?

No, he gives me the potions and the motions90. Shall I lose my

parson? My priest? My Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the

proverbs and the no-verbs92. Give me thy hand,

To Caius/To Evans

terrestrial, so. Give me thy hand, celestial93, so.

Boys of art94, I have deceived you both: I have directed you

to wrong places. Your hearts are mighty, your skins are

whole, and let burned sack be the issue96.—

To Page and Shallow/To Caius and Evans

Come, lay their swords to pawn97.— Follow me,

lads of peace, follow, follow, follow.

[Exit]

SHALLOW    Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.

SLENDER    O sweet Anne Page!

Aside?

[Exeunt Shallow, Slender and Page]

CAIUS    Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot101 of us,

ha, ha?

EVANS    This is well, he has made us his vlouting-stog103. I

desire you that we may be friends, and let us knog our prains

together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy cogging105

companion, the host of the Garter.

CAIUS    By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me

where is Anne Page: by gar, he deceive me too.

EVANS    Well, I will smite his noddles109. Pray you, follow.

[Exeunt]

Act 3 Scene 2

running scene 9

Enter Robin [followed by] Mistress Page

MISTRESS PAGE    Nay, keep your way, little gallant. You were wont1

to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether2 had you

rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?

ROBIN    I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than

follow him like a dwarf.

MISTRESS PAGE    O, you are a flattering boy. Now I see you’ll be a

courtier.

[Enter Ford]

FORD    Well met, Mistress Page.