You yourself said: ‘tomorrow morning’.”
“Yes;
but I didn’t know then—”
“You
didn’t know—?”
I
was still holding her, and my eyes were fixed on hers. She gave me back my
look, deeply and desperately. Then she freed herself.
“Let
me go. I’m Kate Spain,” she said.
We
stood facing each other without speaking. Then I gave a laugh, and answered, in
a voice that sounded to me as though I were shouting: “Well, I want to marry
you, Kate Spain.”
She
shrank back, her hands clasped across her breast. “You knew already? That man
told you?”
“Who—Jimmy Shreve? What does it matter if he did? Was that
the reason you ran away from me?” She nodded.
“And
you thought I wouldn’t find you?”
“I
thought you wouldn’t try.”
“You
thought that, having told you one day that I loved you, I’d let you go out of
my life the next?”
She
gave me another long look. “You—you’re generous. I’m grateful. But you can’t
marry Kate Spain,” she said, with a little smile like the grimace on a dying
face.
I
had no doubt in my own mind that I could; the first sight of her had carried
that conviction home, and I answered: “Can’t I, though? That’s what we’ll see.”
“You
don’t know what my life is. How would you like, wherever you went, to have some
one suddenly whisper behind you: ‘Look. That’s Kate Spain’?”
I
looked at her, and for a moment found no answer. My first impulse of passionate
pity had swept me past the shock of her confession; as long as she was herself,
I seemed to feel, it mattered nothing to me that she was also Kate Spain. But
her last words called up a sudden vision of the life she must have led since
her acquittal; the life I was asking to share with her. I recalled my helpless
wrath when Shreve had told me who she was; and now I seemed to hear the ugly
whisper—”Kate Spain, Kate Spain”—following us from place to place, from house
to house; following my wife and me.
She
took my hesitation for an answer. “You hadn’t thought of that, had you? But I
think of nothing else, day and night. For three years now I’ve been running
away from the sound of my name. I tried California first; it was at the other end of the
country, and some of my mother’s relations lived there. They were kind to me,
everybody was kind; but wherever I went I heard my name: Kate Spain—Kate Spain!
I couldn’t go to church, or to the theatre, or into a shop to buy a spool of
thread, without hearing it. What was the use of calling myself Mrs. Ingram,
when, wherever I went, I heard Kate Spain? The very school-children knew who I
was, and rushed out to see me when I passed, I used to get letters from people
who collected autographs, and wanted my signature: ‘Kate Spain, you know.’ And
when I tried shutting myself up, people said: ‘What’s she afraid of? Has she
got something to hide, after all?’ and I saw that it made my cousins
uncomfortable, and shy with me, because I couldn’t lead a normal life like
theirs… After a year I couldn’t stand it, and so we came away, and went round
the world… But wherever we go it begins again: and I know now I can never get
away from it.” She broke down, and hid her face for a moment. Then she looked
up at me and said: “And so you must go away, you see.”
I
continued to look at her without speaking: I wanted the full strength of my
will to go out to her in my answer. “I see, on the contrary, that I must stay.”
She
gave me a startled glance. “No—no.”
“Yes,
yes. Because all you say is a nervous dream; natural enough, after what you’ve
been through, but quite unrelated to reality. You say you’ve thought of nothing
else, day and night; but why think of it at all—in that way? Your real name is
Kate Spain. Well—what of it? Why try to disguise it? You’ve never done anything
to disgrace it. You’ve suffered through it, but never been abased. If you want
to get rid of it there’s a much simpler way; and that is to take mine instead.
But meanwhile, if people ask you if you’re Kate Spain, try saying yes, you are,
instead of running away from them.”
She
listened with bent head and interlocked hands, and I saw a softness creep about
her lips. But after I had ceased she looked up at me sadly. “You’ve never been
tried for your life,” she said.
The
words struck to the roots of my optimism.
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