Does not our

lives consist of the four elements?9

SIR ANDREW    Faith, so they say, but I think it rather consists of

eating and drinking.

SIR TOBY    Thou’rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.

Marian, I say, a stoup13 of wine!

Enter Clown [Feste]

SIR ANDREW    Here comes the fool, i’faith.

FESTE    How now, my hearts! Did you never see the picture15

of ‘we three’?

SIR TOBY    Welcome, ass. Now let’s have a catch.17

SIR ANDREW    By my troth the fool has an excellent breast.18 I had

rather than forty shillings I had such a leg19, and so sweet a

breath to sing, as the fool has. In sooth thou wast20 in very

gracious fooling last night, when thou spokest of

Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians passing the equinoctial22 of

Queubus. ’Twas very good, i’faith. I sent thee sixpence for

thy leman. Hadst it?24

FESTE    I did impeticos thy gratillity25, for Malvolio’s nose is no

whipstock. My lady has a white hand, and the Myrmidons26

are no bottle-ale houses.27

SIR ANDREW    Excellent. Why, this is the best fooling, when all is

done. Now, a song.

Gives a coin to Feste

SIR TOBY    Come on, there is sixpence for you. Let’s

have a song.

Gives another coin

SIR ANDREW    There’s a testril of32 me too. If one

knight give a—

FESTE    Would you have a love song, or a song of good life?34

SIR TOBY    A love song, a love song.

SIR ANDREW    Ay, ay. I care not for good life.

Sings

FESTE    O mistress mine, where are you roaming?

O stay and hear, your true love’s coming,

That can sing both high and low.39

Trip no further, pretty sweeting40,

Journeys end in lovers meeting,

Every wise man’s son doth know.

SIR ANDREW    Excellent good, i’faith.

SIR TOBY    Good, good.

Sings

FESTE    What is love? ’Tis not hereafter45,

Present mirth hath present laughter.

What’s to come is still47 unsure.

In delay there lies no plenty48,

Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty49,

Youth’s a stuff50 will not endure.

SIR ANDREW    A mellifluous voice, as I am true51 knight.

SIR TOBY    A contagious breath.52

SIR ANDREW    Very sweet and contagious, i’faith.

SIR TOBY    To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.54 But

shall we make the welkin dance indeed? Shall we rouse55 the

night owl in a catch that will draw three souls56 out of one

weaver?57 Shall we do that?

SIR ANDREW    An you love me, let’s do’t. I am dog58 at a catch.

FESTE    By’r lady59, sir, and some dogs will catch well.

SIR ANDREW    Most certain. Let our catch be, ‘Thou knave’.60

FESTE    ‘Hold thy peace61, thou knave’, knight? I shall be

constrained62 in’t to call thee knave, knight.

SIR ANDREW    ’Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call

me knave. Begin, fool: it begins ‘Hold thy peace’.

FESTE    I shall never begin if I hold my peace.

Catch sung

SIR ANDREW    Good, i’faith. Come, begin.

Enter Maria

MARIA    What a caterwauling do you keep67 here? If my lady

have not called up her steward68 Malvolio and bid him turn

you out of doors, never trust me.

SIR TOBY    My lady’s a Catayan, we are politicians70, Malvolio’s a

Peg-a-Ramsey, and ‘Three merry men be we’.71 Am not I

consanguineous? Am I not of her blood? Tillyvally.72 Lady!

Sings

‘There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!’73

FESTE    Beshrew74 me, the knight’s in admirable fooling.

SIR ANDREW    Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do

I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.76

Sings

SIR TOBY    ‘O, the twelfth day of December’77—

MARIA    For the love o’God, peace!

Enter Malvolio

MALVOLIO    My masters, are you mad? Or what are you? Have

you no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like tinkers80

at this time of night? Do ye make an alehouse of my lady’s

house, that ye squeak out your coziers’82 catches without any

mitigation or remorse83 of voice? Is there no respect of place,

persons, nor time in you?

SIR TOBY    We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!85

MALVOLIO    Sir Toby, I must be round86 with you. My lady bade me

tell you that though she harbours87 you as her kinsman, she’s

nothing allied88 to your disorders. If you can separate yourself

and your misdemeanours, you are welcome to the house. If

not, an it would please you to take leave of her, she is very

willing to bid you farewell.

Sings

SIR TOBY    ‘Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.’92

MARIA    Nay, good Sir Toby.

Sings

FESTE    ‘His eyes do show his days are almost done.’

MALVOLIO    Is’t even so?95

Sings

SIR TOBY    ‘But I will never die.’

FESTE    Sir Toby, there you lie.

MALVOLIO    This is much credit to you.

Sings

SIR TOBY    ‘Shall I bid him go?’

Sings

FESTE    ‘What an if100 you do?’

Sings

SIR TOBY    ‘Shall I bid him go, and spare not?101’

Sings

FESTE    ‘O no, no, no, no, you dare not.’

SIR TOBY    Out o’tune, sir, ye lie. Art103 any more than a steward?

Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no

more cakes and ale?105

FESTE    Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger106 shall be hot

i’th’mouth too.

SIR TOBY    Thou’rt i’th’right. Go, sir, rub your chain with108

crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!

MALVOLIO    Mistress Mary, if you prized110 my lady’s favour at

anything more than contempt, you would not give means111 for

this uncivil rule112; she shall know of it, by this hand.

Exit

MARIA    Go shake your ears.113

SIR ANDREW    ’Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man’s

a-hungry, to challenge him the field115, and then to break

promise with him and make a fool of him.

SIR TOBY    Do’t, knight. I’ll write thee a challenge, or I’ll deliver

thy indignation to him by word of mouth.

MARIA    Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight. Since the

youth of the count’s was today with my lady, she is much out120

of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him121: if I

do not gull him into a nayword122 and make him a common

recreation123, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in

my bed. I know I can do it.

SIR TOBY    Possess125 us, possess us, tell us something of him.

MARIA    Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.126

SIR ANDREW    O, if I thought that, I’d beat him like a dog!

SIR TOBY    What, for being a puritan? Thy exquisite128 reason,

dear knight?

SIR ANDREW    I have no exquisite reason for’t, but I have reason

good enough.

MARIA    The devil a puritan that he is, or anything

constantly, but a time-pleaser, an affectioned ass, that cons133

state without book and utters it by great swarths. The best134

persuaded of himself, so crammed, as he thinks, with

excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith136 that all that look

on him love him. And on that vice in him will my revenge

find notable cause to work.

SIR TOBY    What wilt thou do?

MARIA    I will drop in his way some obscure epistles140 of love,

wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape of his leg, the

manner of his gait, the expressure142 of his eye, forehead, and

complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated.143

I can write very like my lady your niece: on a forgotten144

matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands.145

SIR TOBY    Excellent! I smell a device.146

SIR ANDREW    I have’t in my nose too.

SIR TOBY    He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,

that they come from my niece and that she’s in love with

him.

MARIA    My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.

SIR ANDREW    And your horse now would make him an ass.

MARIA    Ass153, I doubt not.

SIR ANDREW    O, ’twill be admirable!

MARIA    Sport royal, I warrant you. I know my physic155 will

work with him. I will plant you two, and let the fool make a

third, where he shall find the letter. Observe his construction157

of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event.158 Farewell.

Exit

SIR TOBY    Good night, Penthesilea.159

SIR ANDREW    Before me160, she’s a good wench.

SIR TOBY    She’s a beagle161, true-bred, and one that adores me.

What o’that?

SIR ANDREW    I was adored once too.

SIR TOBY    Let’s to bed, knight.