He speaks nothing but

madman. Fie98 on him!—

[Exit Maria]

Go you, Malvolio; if it be a suit from the count, I am sick, or

not at home. What you will100, to dismiss it.—

Exit Malvolio

Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old101, and people

dislike it.

FESTE    Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest

son should be a fool, whose skull Jove104 cram with brains,

for — here he comes —

Enter Sir Toby

one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.106

To Sir Toby

OLIVIA    By mine honour, half drunk.—

What is he at the gate, cousin?

SIR TOBY    A gentleman.

OLIVIA    A gentleman? What gentleman?

Belches/To Feste

SIR TOBY    ’Tis a gentleman here—

a plague o’these pickle herring!— How now, sot?112

FESTE    Good Sir Toby!

OLIVIA    Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this

lethargy?115

SIR TOBY    Lechery? I defy lechery. There’s one116 at the gate.

OLIVIA    Ay, marry, what is he?

SIR TOBY    Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not. Give me

faith, say I. Well, it’s all one.119

Exit

OLIVIA    What’s a drunken man like, fool?

FESTE    Like a drowned man, a fool and a madman: one121

draught above heat makes him a fool, the second mads him,

and a third drowns123 him.

OLIVIA    Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o’my124

coz, for he’s in the third degree of drink: he’s drowned. Go

look after him.

FESTE    He is but mad yet, madonna, and the fool shall look

to the madman.

[Exit]

Enter Malvolio

MALVOLIO    Madam, yond129 young fellow swears he will speak

with you. I told him you were sick, he takes on him to130

understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with

you. I told him you were asleep — he seems to have a

foreknowledge of that too — and therefore comes to speak

with you. What is to be said to him, lady? He’s fortified

against any denial.

OLIVIA    Tell him he shall not speak with me.

MALVOLIO    He’s been told so, and he says he’ll stand at your

door like a sheriff’s post, and be the supporter to a bench138, but

he’ll speak with you.

OLIVIA    What kind o’man is he?

MALVOLIO    Why, of mankind.141

OLIVIA    What manner of man?

MALVOLIO    Of very ill manner. He’ll speak with you, will you143

or no.

OLIVIA    Of what personage145 and years is he?

MALVOLIO    Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough

for a boy. As a squash is before ’tis a peascod, or a codling147

when ’tis almost an apple: ’tis with him in standing water148,

between boy and man. He is very well-favoured149 and he

speaks very shrewishly.150 One would think his mother’s milk

were scarce out of him.

OLIVIA    Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman.

MALVOLIO    Gentlewoman, my lady calls.

Exit

Enter Maria

OLIVIA    Give me my veil. Come, throw it o’er my face. We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy.155

She is veiled

Enter Viola [and Attendants]

VIOLA    The honourable lady of the house, which is she?

OLIVIA    Speak to me, I shall answer for her. Your will?

VIOLA    Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty —

I pray you tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never

saw her. I would be loath to cast away160 my speech, for besides

that it is excellently well penned161, I have taken great pains to

con it. Good beauties, let me sustain162 no scorn; I am very

comptible, even to the least sinister163 usage.

OLIVIA    Whence came you, sir?

VIOLA    I can say little more than I have studied165, and that

question’s out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest166

assurance, if you be the lady of the house, that I may

proceed in my speech.

OLIVIA    Are you a comedian?169

VIOLA    No, my profound heart.170 And yet, by the very fangs

of malice, I swear I am not that I play.171 Are you the lady of the

house?

OLIVIA    If I do not usurp173 myself, I am.

VIOLA    Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself,

for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve.175 But this is

from my commission.176 I will on with my speech in your

praise, and then show you the heart of my message.

OLIVIA    Come to what is important in’t. I forgive178 you the

praise.

VIOLA    Alas, I took great pains to study it, and ’tis poetical.

OLIVIA    It is the more like to be feigned. I pray you keep it in.181

I heard you were saucy182 at my gates, and allowed your

approach rather to wonder183 at you than to hear you. If you be

not mad, be gone. If you have reason, be brief. ’Tis not that184

time of moon with me to make one in so skipping185 a dialogue.

MARIA    Will you hoist sail186, sir? Here lies your way.

VIOLA    No, good swabber, I am to hull187 here a little longer.

Some mollification for your giant188, sweet lady; tell me your

mind, I am a messenger.

OLIVIA    Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver,

when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.191

VIOLA    It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture192 of

war, no taxation of homage; I hold the olive193 in my hand. My

words are as full of peace as matter.194

OLIVIA    Yet you began rudely.195 What are you? What would

you?

VIOLA    The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I

learned from my entertainment.198 What I am, and what I

would, are as secret as maidenhead: to your ears, divinity199: to

any other’s, profanation.200

OLIVIA    Give us the place alone. We will hear this divinity.

[Exeunt Maria and Attendants]

Now, sir, what is your text?202

VIOLA    Most sweet lady—

OLIVIA    A comfortable204 doctrine, and much may be said of it.

Where lies your text?

VIOLA    In Orsino’s bosom.206

OLIVIA    In his bosom? In what chapter207 of his bosom?

VIOLA    To answer by the method208, in the first of his heart.

OLIVIA    O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to

say?

VIOLA    Good madam, let me see your face.

OLIVIA    Have you any commission from your lord to

negotiate with my face? You are now out of213 your text. But we will draw the curtain214 and show you the picture.

Unveils

Look you, sir, such a one I was this present.215 Is’t not well

done?

VIOLA    Excellently done, if God did all.217

OLIVIA    ’Tis in grain218, sir, ’twill endure wind and weather.

VIOLA    ’Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white219

Nature’s own sweet and cunning220 hand laid on.

Lady, you are the cruell’st she221 alive,

If you will lead these graces222 to the grave

And leave the world no copy.223

OLIVIA    O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted. I will give out

divers schedules of my beauty. It shall be inventoried225, and

every particle and utensil226 labelled to my will: as, item, two

lips, indifferent227 red: item, two grey eyes, with lids to them:

item, one neck, one chin and so forth. Were you sent hither

to praise229 me?

VIOLA    I see you what you are, you are too proud.

But if231 you were the devil, you are fair.

My lord and master loves you. O, such love

Could be but recompensed, though233 you were crowned

The nonpareil234 of beauty!

OLIVIA    How does he love me?

VIOLA    With adorations, fertile236 tears,

With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.

OLIVIA    Your lord does know my mind: I cannot love him.

Yet I suppose239 him virtuous, know him noble,

Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;

In voices well divulged, free241, learned and valiant,

And in dimension and the shape of nature242

A gracious243 person; but yet I cannot love him.

He might have took his answer long ago.

VIOLA    If I did love you in my master’s flame245,

With such a suff’ring, such a deadly246 life,

In your denial I would find no sense,

I would not understand it.

OLIVIA    Why, what would you?

VIOLA    Make me a willow cabin250 at your gate,

And call upon my soul251 within the house,

Write loyal cantons of contemnèd252 love

And sing them loud even in the dead of night,

Hallow your name to the reverberate254 hills

And make the babbling gossip255 of the air

Cry out ‘Olivia!’ O, you should not rest

Between the elements of air and earth,

But you should pity me!

OLIVIA    You might do much. What is your parentage?

VIOLA    Above my fortunes, yet my state is well260:

I am a gentleman.

OLIVIA    Get you to your lord.

I cannot love him.