It hangs like flax on a distaff91, and I hope
to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.92
SIR ANDREW Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will
not be seen, or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me.94 The
count himself here hard95 by woos her.
SIR TOBY She’ll none o’th’count. She’ll not match above her
degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit97; I have heard her
swear’t. Tut, there’s life in’t98, man.
SIR ANDREW I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’th’
strangest mind i’th’world: I delight in masques and revels100
sometimes altogether.
SIR TOBY Art thou good at these kickshawses102, knight?
SIR ANDREW As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the103
degree of my betters, and yet I will not compare with an old104
man.
SIR TOBY What is thy excellence in a galliard106, knight?
SIR ANDREW Faith, I can cut a caper.108
SIR TOBY And I can cut the mutton108 to’t.
SIR ANDREW And I think I have the back-trick109 simply as strong
as any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have
these gifts a curtain before ’em? Are they like to take112 dust,
like Mistress Mall’s picture?113 Why dost thou not go to church
in a galliard and come home in a coranto?114 My very walk
should be a jig, I would not so much as make water115 but in a
sink-a-pace.116 What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide
virtues117 in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy
leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.118
SIR ANDREW Ay, ’tis strong, and it does indifferent119 well in a
damned coloured stock.120 Shall we set about some revels?
SIR TOBY What shall we do else? Were we not born under
Taurus?
SIR ANDREW Taurus? That’s sides and heart.123
SIR TOBY No, sir, it is legs and thighs.124 Let me see
thee caper. Ha? Higher, ha, ha! Excellent!
Sir Andrew dances
Exeunt
Act 1 Scene 4
running scene 4
Enter Valentine and Viola [as Cesario] in man’s attire
VALENTINE If the duke continue these favours towards you,
Cesario, you are like to be much advanced.2 He hath known
you but three days, and already you are no stranger.
VIOLA You either fear his humour4 or my negligence, that
you call in question the continuance of his love. Is he
inconstant, sir, in his favours?
VALENTINE No, believe me.
Enter Duke [Orsino], Curio and Attendants
VIOLA I thank you. Here comes the count.
ORSINO Who saw Cesario, ho?
VIOLA On your attendance10, my lord, here.
To Attendants, who stand aside
ORSINO Stand you awhile aloof.11— Cesario,
Thou know’st no less but all.12 I have unclasped
To thee the book even of my secret soul:
Therefore, good youth, address thy gait14 unto her,
Be not denied access, stand at her doors,
And tell them there thy fixed foot shall grow16
Till thou have audience.17
VIOLA Sure, my noble lord,
If she be so abandoned to her sorrow
As it is spoke20, she never will admit me.
ORSINO Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds21
Rather than make unprofited return.
VIOLA Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?
ORSINO O, then unfold the passion of my love,
Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith25;
It shall become26 thee well to act my woes.
She will attend27 it better in thy youth
Than in a nuncio’s of more grave aspect.28
VIOLA I think not so, my lord.
ORSINO Dear lad30, believe it;
For they shall yet belie31 thy happy years,
That say thou art a man: Diana’s lip32
Is not more smooth and rubious, thy small pipe33
Is as the maiden’s organ, shrill and sound34,
And all is semblative a woman’s part.35
I know thy constellation36 is right apt
To Attendants
For this affair.— Some four or five attend him.
All, if you will, for I myself am best
When least in company. Prosper well in this,
And thou shalt live as freely40 as thy lord,
To call his fortunes thine.
VIOLA I’ll do my best
Aside
To woo your lady.— Yet, a barful strife!43
Whoe’er I woo, myself would be his wife.
Exeunt
running scene 5
Enter Maria and Clown [Feste]
MARIA Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will
not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in2 way of thy
excuse. My lady will hang thee for thy absence.
FESTE Let her hang me: he that is well hanged4 in this world
needs to fear no colours.5
MARIA Make that good.6
FESTE He shall see none to fear.7
MARIA A good lenten8 answer. I can tell thee where that
saying was born, of ‘I fear no colours.’
FESTE Where, good Mistress Mary?
MARIA In the wars, and that may you be bold11 to say in your
foolery.
FESTE Well, God give them wisdom that have it, and those
that are fools, let them use their talents.
MARIA Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent, or,
to be turned away16, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
FESTE Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage17,
and, for turning away, let summer bear it out.18
MARIA You are resolute, then?
FESTE Not so, neither. But I am resolved on two points.20
MARIA That if one break, the other will hold, or if both
break, your gaskins22 fall.
FESTE Apt, in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way. If Sir23
Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of
Eve’s flesh25 as any in Illyria.
MARIA Peace, you rogue, no more o’that. Here comes my
lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.27
[Exit]
Enter Lady Olivia with Malvolio [and Attendants]
Aside
FESTE Wit, an’t28 be thy will, put me into good
fooling! Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft
prove fools, and I that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise
man. For what says Quinapalus?31 ‘Better a witty fool than a
To Olivia
foolish wit.’— God bless thee, lady.
To Attendants
OLIVIA Take the fool away.
FESTE Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
OLIVIA Go to, you’re a dry35 fool. I’ll no more of you. Besides,
you grow dishonest.36
FESTE Two faults, Madonna37, that drink and good counsel
will amend. For give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not
dry: bid the dishonest man mend39 himself. If he mend, he is
no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher40 mend him.
Anything that’s mended is but patched41: virtue that
transgresses is but patched with sin, and sin that amends is
but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism43 will
serve, so. If it will not, what remedy? As there is no true44
cuckold but calamity, so beauty’s a flower.45 The lady bade
take away the fool: therefore, I say again, take her away.
OLIVIA Sir, I bade them take away you.
FESTE Misprision48 in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non
facit monachum: that’s as much to say as I wear not motley49 in
my brain. Good madonna, give me leave50 to prove you a fool.
OLIVIA Can you do it?
FESTE Dexteriously52, good madonna.
OLIVIA Make your proof.
FESTE I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my54
mouse of virtue, answer me.
OLIVIA Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I’ll bide56 your
proof.
FESTE Good madonna, why mourn’st thou?
OLIVIA Good fool, for my brother’s death.
FESTE I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
OLIVIA I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
FESTE The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your
brother’s soul being in heaven. Take away the fool,
gentlemen.
OLIVIA What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he not
mend?66
MALVOLIO Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him.
Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better
fool.
FESTE God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better
increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox71,
but he will not pass72 his word for twopence that you are no
fool.
OLIVIA How say you to that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
barren rascal. I saw him put down the other day with76 an
ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone.77 Look you
now, he’s out of his guard78 already. Unless you laugh and
minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest79, I take these
wise men, that crow so at these set80 kind of fools, no better
than the fools’ zanies.81
OLIVIA O, you are sick of82 self-love, Malvolio, and taste with
a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless and of free83
disposition is to take those things for bird-bolts84 that you
deem cannon-bullets. There is no slander in an allowed85 fool,
though he do nothing but rail86; nor no railing in a known
discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.87
FESTE Now Mercury endue thee with leasing88, for thou
speak’st well of fools.
Enter Maria
MARIA Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman
much desires to speak with you.
OLIVIA From the Count Orsino, is it?
MARIA I know not, madam. ’Tis a fair young man, and well
attended.
OLIVIA Who of my people hold him in delay?
MARIA Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
OLIVIA Fetch him off, I pray you.
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