but I want you to hear me first—"
Mariana's voice gave way. She suddenly flushed with emotion;
under emotion she always gave one the impression of being
angry.
"You are no doubt asking yourself, 'Why does this tiresome young
lady tell me all this?' just as you must have done when I spoke to
you... about Mr. Markelov."
She bent down, tore off a small mushroom, broke it to pieces,
and threw it away.
"You are quite mistaken, Mariana Vikentievna," Nejdanov
remarked. "On the contrary, I am pleased to think that I inspire
you with confidence."
This was not true, the idea had only just occurred to him.
Mariana glanced at him for a moment. Until then she had
persistently looked away from him.
"It is not that you inspire me with confidence exactly," she
went on pensively; "you are quite a stranger to me. But your
position—and mine—are very similar. We are both alike—unhappy; that
is a bond between us."
"Are you unhappy?" Nejdanov asked.
"And you, are you not?" Mariana asked in her turn. Nejdanov did
not say anything.
"Do you know my story?" she asked quickly. "The story of my
father's exile? Don't you? Well, here it is: He was arrested,
tried, convicted, deprived of his rank and everything... and sent
to Siberia, where he died. My mother died too. My uncle, Mr.
Sipiagin, my mother's brother, brought me up... I am dependent upon
him—he is my benefactor and—Valentina Mihailovna is my
benefactress.... I pay them back with base ingratitude because I
have an unfeeling heart... But the bread of charity is bitter—and I
can't bear insulting condescensions—and can't endure to be
patronised. I can't hide things, and when I'm constantly being hurt
I only keep from crying out because I'm too proud to do so."
As she uttered these disjointed sentences, Mariana walked faster
and faster. Suddenly she stopped. "Do you know that my aunt, in
order to get rid of me, wants to marry me to that hateful
Kollomietzev? She knows my ideas... in her eyes I'm almost a
nihilist—and he! It's true he doesn't care for me... I'm not
good-looking enough, but it's possible to sell me. That would also
be considered charity."
"Why didn't you—" Nejdanov began, but stopped short.
Mariana looked at him for an instant.
"You wanted to ask why I didn't accept Mr. Markelov, isn't that
so? Well, what could I do? He's a good man, but it's not my fault
that I don't love him."
Mariana walked on ahead, as if she wished to save her companion
the necessity of saying anything to this unexpected confession.
They both reached the end of the avenue. Mariana turned quickly
down a narrow path leading into a dense fir grove; Nejdanov
followed her. He was under the influence of a twofold astonishment;
first, it puzzled him that this shy girl should suddenly become so
open and frank with him, and secondly, that he was not in the least
surprised at this frankness, that he looked upon it, in fact, as
quite natural.
Mariana turned round suddenly, stopped in the middle of the path
with her face about a yard from Nejdanov's, and looked straight
into his eyes.
"Alexai Dmitritch," she said, "please don't think my aunt is a
bad woman. She is not. She is deceitful all over, she's an actress,
a poser—she wants everyone to bow down before her as a beauty and
worship her as a saint! She will invent a pretty speech, say it to
one person, repeat it to a second, a third, with an air as if it
had only just come to her by inspiration, emphasising it by the use
of her wonderful eyes! She understands herself very well—she is
fully conscious of looking like a Madonna, and knows that she does
not love a living soul! She pretends to be forever worrying over
Kolia, when in reality does nothing but talk about him with clever
people. She does not wish harm to any one... is all kindness, but
let every bone in your body be broken before her very eyes... and
she wouldn't care a straw! She would not move a finger to save you,
and if by any chance it should happen to be necessary or useful to
her...then heaven have mercy on you...."
Mariana ceased.
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