And see the change!
VOLTORE: Why? what success?
MOSCA: Most hapless! you must help, sir,
Whilst we expected th’ old raven, in comes
Corvino’s wife, sent hither by her husband –
VOLTORE: What, with a present?
MOSCA: No, sir, on visitation;
(I’ ll tell you how anon) and staying long,
The youth he grows impatient, rushes forth,
Seizeth the lady, wounds me, makes her swear
(Or he would murder her, that was his vow)
50 T’ affirm my patron to have done her rape,
Which how unlike it is, you see! and hence,
With that pretext, he’s gone t’ accuse his father,
Defame my patron, defeat you –
VOLTORE: Where’s her husband?
Let him be sent for straight.
MOSCA: Sir, I’ ll go fetch him.
VOLTORE: Bring him to the Scrutineo.
MOSCA: Sir, I will.
VOLTORE: This must be stopped.
MOSCA: O, you do nobly, sir.
Alas, ’twas laboured all, sir, for your good;
Nor was there want of counsel in the plot.
But Fortune can, at any time, o’erthrow
60 The projects of a hundred learnèd clerks, sir.
CORBACCIO: What’s that?
VOLTORE [to CORBACCIO]: Will’t please you, sir, to go along?
[Exeunt CORBACCIO and VOLTORE.]
MOSCA: Patron, go in and pray for our success.
VOLPONE: Need makes devotion; heaven your labour bless!
[Exeunt]
ACT FOUR
[SCENE ONE]
v,i [A street in Venice.]
[Enter SIR POLITIC and PEREGRINE.]
[SIR POLITIC:] I told you, sir, it was a plot; you see
What observation is! You mentioned me
For some instructions: I will tell you, sir,
Since we are met here in this height of Venice,
Some few particulars I have set down
Only for this meridian, fit to be known
Of your crude traveller; and they are these.
I will not touch, sir, at your phrase, or clothes,
For they are old.
PEREGRINE: Sir, I have better.
SIR POLITIC: Pardon,
10 I meant as they are themes.
PEREGRINE: O, sir, proceed.
I’ll slander you no more of wit, good sir.
SIR POLITIC: First, for your garb, it must be grave and serious,
Very reserved and locked; not tell a secret
On any terms, not to your father; scarce
A fable but with caution; make sure choice
Both of your company and discourse; beware
You never speak a truth –
PEREGRINE: How!
SIR POLITIC: Not to strangers,
For those be they you must converse with most;
Others I would not know, sir, but at distance,
20 So as I still might be a saver in ’em.
You shall have tricks, else, passed upon you hourly.
And then, for your religion, profess none,
But wonder at the diversity of all;
And, for your part, protest were there no other
But simply the laws o’ th’ land, you could content you.
Nick Machiavel and Monsieur Bodin both
Were of this mind. Then must you learn the use
And handling of your silver fork at meals,
The metal of your glass (these are main matters
30 With your Italian), and to know the hour
When you must eat your melons and your figs.
PEREGRINE: Is that a point of state too?
SIR POLITIC: Here it is.
For your Venetian, if he see a man
Preposterous in the least, he has him straight;
He has, he strips him. I’ll acquaint you, sir.
I now have lived here ’tis some fourteen months;
Within the first week of my landing here,
All took me for a citizen of Venice,
I knew the forms so well –
PEREGRINE [aside]: And nothing else.
40 SIR POLITIC: I had read Contarini, took me a house,
Dealt with my Jews to furnish it with movables –
Well, if I could but find one man, one man
To mine own heart, whom I durst trust, I would –
PEREGRINE: What, what, sir?
SIR POLITIC: Make him rich, make him a fortune:
He should not think again. I would command it.
PEREGRINE: As how?
SIR POLITIC: With certain projects that I have,
Which I may not discover.
PEREGRINE [aside]: If I had
But one to wager with, I would lay odds, now,
He tells me instantly.
SIR POLITIC: One is (and that
50 I care not greatly who knows) to serve the state
Of Venice with red herrings for three years,
And at a certain rate, from Rotterdam,
Where I have correspondence. There’s a letter
Sent me from one o’ th’ States, and to that purpose;
He cannot write his name, but mat’s his mark.
PEREGRINE: He is a chandler?
SIR POLITIC: No, a cheesemonger.
There are some other too with whom I treat
About the same negotiation;
And I will undertake it: for ’tis thus
60 I’ll do ’t with ease, I’ve cast it all. Your hoy
Carries but three men in her, and a boy;
And she shall make me three returns a year.
So, if there come but one of three, I save;
If two, I can defalk. But this is now
If my main project fail.
PEREGRINE: Then you have others?
SIR POLITIC: I should be loath to draw the subtle air
Of such a place without my thousand aims.
I’ll not dissemble, sir; where’er I come
I love to be considerative, and ’tis true
70 I have at my free hours thought upon
Some certain goods unto the state of Venice,
Which I do call my cautions; and, sir, which
I mean, in hope of pension, to propound
To the Great Council, then unto the Forty,
So to the Ten. My means are made already –
PEREGRINE: By whom?
SIR POLITIC: Sir, one that though his place be obscure,
Yet he can sway, and they will hear him. He’s
A commnendatore.
PEREGRINE: What, a common sergeant?
SIR POLITIC: Sir, such as they are put it in their mouths
80 What they should say, sometimes, as well as greater.
I think I have my notes to show you –
PEREGRINE: Good sir.
SIR POLITIC: But you shall swear unto me, on your gentry,
Not to anticipate –
PEREGRINE: I, sir?
SIR POLITIC: Nor reveal
A circumstance – My paper is not with me.
PEREGRINE: O, but you can remember, sir.
SIR POLITIC: My first is
Concerning tinder-boxes. You must know
No family is here without its box.
Now, sir, it being so portable a thing,
Put case that you or I were ill affected
90 Unto the state; sir, with it in our pockets
Might not I go into the Arsenal?
Or you? Come out again? And none the wiser?
PEREGRINE: Except yourself, sir.
SIR POLITIC: Go to, then. I therefore
Advertise to the state how fit it were
That none but such as were known patriots,
Sound lovers of their country, should be suffered
T’ enjoy them in their houses; and even those
Sealed at some office, and at such a bigness
As might not lurk in pockets.
PEREGRINE: Admirable!
100 SIR POLITIC: My next is, how t’ inquire, and be resolved
By present demonstration, whether a ship
Newly arrivèd from Syria, or from
Any suspected part of all the Levant,
Be guilty of the plague. And where they use
To He out forty, fifty days, sometimes,
About the Lazaretto for their trial,
I’ll save that charge and loss unto the merchant,
And in an hour clear the doubt.
PEREGRINE: Indeed, sir!
SIR POLITIC: Or – I will lose my labour.
PEREGRINE: My faith, that’s much.
110 SIR POLITIC: Nay, sir, conceive me. ’Twill cost me, in onions,
Some thirty livres –
PEREGRINE: Which is one pound sterling.
SIR POLITIC: Beside my waterworks. For this I do, sir:
First, I bring in your ship ’twixt two brick walls –
But those the state shall venture. On the one
I strain me a fair tarpaulin, and in that
I stick my onions, cut in halves; the other
Is full of loopholes, out at which I thrust
The noses of my bellows; and those bellows
I keep, with waterworks, in perpetual motion,
120 Which is the easiest matter of a hundred.
Now, sir, your onion, which doth naturally
Attract th’ infection, and your bellows blowing
The air upon him, will show instantly
By his changed colour if there be contagion,
Or else remain as fair as at the first.
Now ’tis known, ’tis nothing.
PEREGRINE: You are right, sir.
SIR POLITIC: I would I had my note.
PEREGRINE: Faith, so would I.
But you ha’ done well for once, sir.
SIR POLITIC: Were I false,
Or would be made so, I could show you reasons
130 How I could sell this state, now, to the Turk –
Spite of their galleys, or their ̵
PEREGRINE: Pray you, Sir Pol.
SIR POLITIC: I have ’em not about me.
PEREGRINE: That I feared.
They’re there, sir?
SIR POLITIC: No, this is my diary,
Wherein I note my actions of the day.
PEREGRINE: Pray you let‘s see, sir. What is here? – ’Notandum,
A rat had gnawn my spur leathers; notwithstanding,
I put on new and did go forth; but first
I threw three beans over the threshold. Item,
I went and bought two toothpicks, whereof one
140 I burst, immediately, in a discourse
With a Dutch merchant ’bout ragion del stato
From him I went and paid a moccenigo
For piecing my silk stockings; by the way
I cheapened sprats, and at St Mark’s I urined.’
Faith, these are politic notes!
SIR POLITIC: Sir, I do slip
No action of my life, thus, but I quote it.
PEREGRINE: Believe me it is wise!
SIR POLITIC: Nay, sir, read forth.
IV, ii [Enter LADY WOULD-BE, NANO, and two WOMEN.]
[LADY WOULD-BE:] Where should this loose knight be, trow?
Sure, he’s housed.
NANO: Why, then he’s fast.
LADY WOULD-BE: Ay, he plays both with me.
I pray you stay. This heat will do more harm
To my complexion than his heart is worth.
I do not care to hinder, but to take him.
How it comes off! [Rubbing her rouged cheeks.]
1ST WOMAN: My master’s yonder.
LADY WOULD-BE: Where?
2ND WOMAN: With a young gentleman.
LADY WOULD-BE: The same’s the party!
In man’s apparel! Pray you, sir, jog my knight.
I will be tender to his reputation,
However he demerit.
SIR POLITIC: My lady!
10 PEREGRINE: Where?
SIR POLITIC: ’Tis she indeed; sir, you shall know her. She is,
Were she not mine, a lady of that merit
For fashion, and behaviour, and for beauty
I durst compare –
PEREGRINE: It seems you are not jealous,
That dare commend her.
SIR POLITIC: Nay, and for discourse –
PEREGRINE: Being your wife, she cannot miss that.
SIR POLITIC: Madam,
Here is a gentleman; pray you, use him fairly;
He seems a youth, but he is –
LADY WOULD-BE: None?
SIR POLITIC: Yes, one
Has put his face as soon into the world –
20 LADY WOULD-BE: You mean, as early? But today?
SIR POLITIC: How’s this?
LADY WOULD-BE: Why, in this habit, sir; you apprehend me!
Well, Master Would-be, this doth not become you.
I had thought the odour, sir, of your good name
Had been more precious to you; that you would not
Have done this dire massàcre on your honour,
One of your gravity, and rank besides!
But knights, I see, care little for the oath
They make to ladies, chiefly their own ladies.
SIR POLITIC: Now, by my spurs, the symbol of my knighthood –
30 PEREGRINE [aside]: Lord, how his brain is humbled for an oath!
SIR POLITIC: I reach you not.
LADY WOULD-BE: Right, sir, your policy
May bear it through thus. [To PEREGRINE] Sir, a word with you,
I would be loath to contest publicly
With any gentlewoman, or to seem
Froward, or violent; as The Courtier says
It comes too near rusticity in a lady,
Which I would shun by all means. And, however
I may deserve from Master Would-be, yet
T’ have one fair gentlewoman, thus, be made
40 Th’ unkind instrument to wrong another,
And one she knows not, ay, and to persèver,
In my poor judgement, is not warranted
From being a solecism in our sex,
If not in manners.
PEREGRINE: How is this!
SIR POLITIC: Sweet madam,
Come nearer to your aim.
LADY WOULD-BE: Marry, and will, sir.
Since you provoke me with your impudence
And laughter of your light land-siren here,
Your Sporus, your hermaphrodite –
PEREGRINE: What’s here?
Poetic fury and historic storms!
50 SIR POLITIC: The gentleman, believe it, is of worth,
And of our nation.
LADY WOULD-BE: Ay, your Whitefriars nation!
Come, I blush for you, Master Would-be, ay;
And am ashamed you should ha’ no more forehead
Than thus to be the patron, or St George,
To a lewd harlot, a base fricatrice,
A female devil in a male outside.
SIR POLITIC: Nay,
An’ you be such a one, I must bid adieu
To your delights. The case appears too liquid.
[Exit.]
LADY WOULD-BE: Ay, you may carry’t clear, with your state-face!
60 But for your carnival concupiscence,
Who here is fled for liberty of conscience,
From furious persecution of the marshal,
Her will I disc’ple.
PEREGRINE: This is fine, i’ faith!
And do you use this often? Is this part
Of your wit’s exercise, ’gainst you have occasion?
Madam –
LADY WOULD-BE: Go to sir.
PEREGRINE: Do you hear me, lady?
Why, if your knight have set you to beg shirts,
Or to invite me home, you might have done it
A nearer way by far.
LADY WOULD-BE: This cannot work you
70 Out of my snare.
PEREGRINE: Why, am I in it, then?
Indeed, your husband told me you were fair,
And so you are; only your nose inclines –
That side that’s next the sun – to the queen-apple.
LADY WOULD-BE: This cannot be endured by any patience!
IV, iii [Enter MOSCA.]
[MOSCA:] What’s the matter, madam?
LADY WOULD-BE: If the Senate
Right not my quest in this, I will protest ’em
To all the world no aristocracy.
MOSCA: What is the injury, lady?
LADY WOULD-BE: Why, the callet
You told me of, here I have ta’ en disguised.
MOSCA: Who? This! What means your ladyship? The creature
I mentioned to you is apprehended, now
Before the Senate. You shall see her –
LADY WOULD-BE: Where?
MOSCA: I’ll bring you to her. This young gentleman,
10 I saw him land this morning at the port.
LADY WOULD-BE: Is’t possible? How has my judgement wandered!
Sir, I must, blushing, say to you, I have erred;
And plead your pardon.
PEREGRINE: What, more changes yet?
LADY WOULD-BE: I hope y’ ha’ not the malice to remember
A gentlewoman’s passion. If you stay
In Venice, here, please you to use me, sir –
MOSCA: Will you go, madam?
LADY WOULD-BE: Pray you, sir, use me. In faith,
The more you see me, the more I shall conceive
You have forgot our quarrel.
[Exeunt LADY WOULD-BE, MOSCA, NANO, and WOMEN.]
PEREGRINE: This is rare!
20 Sir Politic Would-be? No, Sir Politic Bawd,
To bring me, thus, acquainted with his wife!
Well, wise Sir Pol, since you have practised thus
Upon my freshmanship, I’ll try your salt-head,
What proof it is against a counter-plot.
[Exit.]
IV, iv [SCENE TWO]
[The Scrutineo, or Senate House.]
[Enter VOLTORE, CORBACCIO, CORVINO, and MOSCA.]
[VOLTORE:] Well, now you know the carriage of the business,
Your constancy is all that is required,
Unto the safety of it.
MOSCA: Is the lie
Safely conveyed amongst us? Is that sure?
Knows every man his burden?
CORVINO: Yes.
MOSCA: Then shrink not.
CORVINO [aside to MOSCA]: But knows the Advocate the truth?
MOSCA: O sir,
By no means. I devised a formal tale
That salved your reputation. But be valiant, sir.
CORVINO: I fear no one but him, that this his pleading
Should make him stand for a co-heir –
10 MOSCA: Co-halter!
Hang him, we will but use his tongue, his noise,
As we do Croaker’s here. [Indicating CORBACCIO.]
CORVINO: Ay, what shall he do?
MOSCA: When we ha’ done, you mean?
CORVINO: Yes.
MOSCA: Why, we’ll think:
Sell him for mummia, he’s half dust already.
(To VOLTORE.)
Do not you smile to see this buffalo,
How he doth sport it with his head? – I should,
If all were well and past.(To CORBACCIO) Sir, only you
Are he that shall enjoy the crop of all,
And these not know for whom they toil.
CORBACCIO: Ay, peace.
20 MOSCA (To CORVINO): But you shall eat it. – Much! –
(To VOLTORE again) Worshipful sir,
Mercury sit upon your thund’ ring tongue,
Or the French Hercules, and make your language
As conquering as his club, to beat along,
As with a tempest, flat, our adversaries;
But much more yours, sir.
VOLTORE: Here they come, ha’ done.
MOSCA: I have another witness if you need, sir,
I can produce.
VOLTORE: Who is it?
MOSCA: Sir, I have her.
IV, V [Enter Four AVOCATORI, BONARIO, CELIA, NOTARIO, COMMENDATORI, and others.]
[1ST AVOCATORE:] The like of this the Senate never heard of.
2ND AVOCATORE: ’Twill come most strange to them when we report it.
4TH AVOCATORE: The gentlewoman has been ever held Of unreprovèd name.
3RD AVOCATORE: So the young man.
4TH AVOCATORE: The more unnatural part that of his father.
2ND AVOCATORE: More of the husband.
1ST AVOCATORE: I not know to give
His act a name, it is so monstrous!
4TH AVOCATORE: But the impostor, he is a thing created T’ exceed example.
1ST AVOCATORE: And all after-times!
10 2ND AVOCATORE: I never heard a true voluptuary
Described but him.
3RD AVOCATORE: Appear yet those were cited?
NOTARIO: All but the old magnifico, Volpone.
1ST AVOCATORE: Why is not he here?
MOSCA: Please your fatherhoods,
Here is his advocate.
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