But Dad probably would have settled for what she’d offer, same as I have, and I say that because he gave her the money anyway. And of course, Nicki could have taken it and left me, had she wanted to.

But she gave it to me.

So here we are, in the hotel lobby, and Nicki’s packed her suitcase and—big surprise—she’s leaving me again, and I’m coming across very badly because I was already in a foul mood before she accused me of raping her. Detective Broadus keeps hammering her with accusations, and even though she’s acing her responses, I’m learning one shocking fact after another. But to Nicki’s credit, even though I’ve been ugly to her, and Mom cursed her, and Jess slapped her, here’s Nicki, telling Broadus how much she loves our family.

So I’m going to do what I always do: give her some space and time and take her back the moment she’s ready. And when she moves back in I’ll try like hell not to touch her below the waist.

Which reminds me…

4.

ONE OF THE most peculiar things about Nicki is the way she references things she wants to avoid. For example, she’s repulsed by testicles. Doesn’t want to think about them, hear about them, and especially doesn’t want to see or touch them, even by accident. In Nicki’s perfect world, there’d be no testicles! And yet she calls them “friends,” as in: “I can’t stand your friends.” So instead of saying, “I’ll give you a hand job if you cover your balls,” she’ll say, “I might give you some relief tonight, but I don’t want to see your friends.”

Even weirder, instead of saying “I can’t stand intercourse,” she’ll say, “I don’t want children,” which is very confusing when we’re out with friends and they ask, “Why are you guys always breaking up?” And she’ll say, “Michael wants children, and I don’t. Every fight we’ve ever had boils down to him wanting children.” And then they look at me, like, “Jesus, Michael. You’ve got this incredibly beautiful girl and she wants it to be just the two of you, and you’re fighting about kids? Are you crazy?”

–I just shrug and say nothing, content to love her, and keep her secrets.

But that said, I’m stunned about Dad. You think you know someone after spending a lifetime with him, and suddenly learn he’s into kinky sex, lusts after your fiancée, steals her panties, ogles her nude photos, and pays her a fortune to leave you and run off with him. I swear, if I’d found out all this shit before yesterday Dad wouldn’t have had time to kill himself. I would have strangled him with my bare hands.

Detective Broadus has hit Nicki with everything but the kitchen sink, and she’s killing it for one simple reason: she’s innocent. But he’s made it his life’s mission to make her look guilty of something. Did she have an affair with Dad? No. Then why are her nude pictures on his phone? I took the pictures, Dad transferred them to his phone. Why did she quit her job? Her boss came onto her. I believe her, it’s happened before. Why didn’t she tell me? I let it slide the first time, but like she said, she knew I’d go to her former workplace and make a scene.

Now it gets interesting:

5.

DAD GAVE HER $1.2 million? Yes. Was she blackmailing him? No. Can she prove it? Yes: it’s not blackmail if she didn’t ask for the money, and didn’t keep it. And here’s the kicker: she gave it to me, which was the biggest mistake she could have possibly made. Why? Because Dad gave the money to Nicki, not me, so Nicki owes the gift taxes. Yes, she transferred the money to me, but that doesn’t eliminate her tax burden. She still owes the IRS the gift taxes on $1.2 million! So do I, since she transferred the money to me. But luckily I now have $200,000 with which to pay my tax burden.

In other words, I have complete and total power over her future: if she leaves me, she won’t be able to afford to pay her taxes and the IRS will put her in jail. But if she marries me, we’ll pay the taxes as a married couple.

She’s in a tight spot, and has but one way out: marrying me.

Poor Nicki has no clue what she’s done, or how it could affect her. But fortunately for her, I still love her and want to marry her.

Now Broadus is asking for Nicki’s social security number, and claims she’s not who she says she is, but rather someone named Katie Walker. So I immediately start wracking my brain, trying to figure out if this is one of Nicki’s weird things, like how she claims not to want children, except that she’s telling Detective Broadus she can call herself whatever she wants as long as she’s not using a fake name to break any laws. That doesn’t sound right to me, but surprisingly, he agrees with her and admits there are no outstanding warrants anywhere in the country for either name.