You also stand a better chance of his saying yes the next time if you accept his refusal calmly, as a gentleman would do.
A gentleman never simply assumes that it is Okay for him to use something that belongs to someone else. He always asks permission.
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Chapter 9
PAYING A COMPLIMENT
Everybody likes to hear people saying nice things about him or her. It could be, “Wow. You pitched a great game,” or “You did a great job at your bar mitzvah,” or “Mom, your new haircut looks great,” or “Grandpa, you make the best chocolate cake in the world.”
It doesn’t cost anything to pay somebody a compliment. But a genuine compliment is one of the best gifts you can give. It doesn’t get old or wear out, and it will make somebody happy—somebody who may remember it forever.
YOU DO
Tell someone when you think he or she has done something good.
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YOU DON’T
Worry that other people will think you are trying to get on somebody’s good side, or that you are trying to be the “teacher’s pet.”
Why
There is nothing wrong with any compliment, as long as you really mean it—even if it’s a compliment to your teacher or to your sister. It is always right to say something nice to another person, even if that person is someone you do not know very well.
YOU DO
Pay a compliment only when you really mean it.
YOU DON’T
Go around paying compliments to everybody, all the time, so that your compliments don’t sound special anymore.
Why
If you like, but don’t love, your grandma’s apple pie, you don’t say it was the best pie you ever tasted. Saying, “Thank you, that was good,” is just fine. When your grandma does make your favorite pie, that’s the time to tell her how much you like it. The compliment will be much more special if it is genuine—and your grandma will know the difference.
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A gentleman does not pay a compliment he doesn’t mean.
A gentleman is not afraid to compliment anyone, male or female, when that person has done something well.
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Chapter 10
ACCEPTING A COMPLIMENT
Do you know one of the biggest mistakes adults make? No, it’s not their haircuts or the music they listen to. Or wearing black socks with shorts and sneakers—although that is pretty hard to forgive.
One of the biggest mistakes most adults make is that they don’t know how to accept a simple compliment.
When somebody says something nice, some people don’t know that the right thing to do is to say a simple “Thank you.” Maybe they think they are acting humble. But they are wrong. They are actually being rude.
Here are three compliments and the right—and wrong—way to respond to them:
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YOU DO
Say, “Thank you,” when someone says, “That is a great shirt.”
YOU DON’T
Say, “I hate it. I am only wearing it because my Aunt Molly bought it for me and she’s here for the weekend.”
Why
By saying you hate the shirt, you have insulted the taste of the person who paid you the compliment.
YOU DO
Say, “Thank you,” when someone says, “I like your haircut.”
YOU DON’T
Say, “My dad made me get it cut. I hate it this short.”
Why
It is rude to disagree with someone who is trying to say something nice about you.
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YOU DO
Say, “Thank you, I really worked hard,” when someone says, “You did a great job at your bar mitzvah.”
YOU DON’T
Say, “You must not have been listening when I messed up.”
Why
When a person tells you that you have done a good job, it is rude to suggest that the person does not know what he or she is talking about. Even if you know, deep down, that there were moments when you messed up, you don’t need to point them out. A simple “Thank you” is all you need to say.
If you see a pattern forming here, you are right. Whenever somebody pays you a compliment, “Thank you” is always the right thing to say.
A gentleman knows that accepting a compliment graciously is just as important as giving a compliment. He knows how to do both.
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Chapter 11
KNOWING WHEN TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT
Although a gentleman tries very hard not to hurt other people’s feelings, there probably will come a time when—even without meaning to—he will say the wrong thing and make another person feel bad. When that happens he will feel embarrassed, the other person will feel mistreated, and the gentleman will end up having to say, “I’m sorry.”
Most of the time you can avoid that sort of painful situation by being very careful what you say. Many times, that means using discretion, which basically means knowing when to keep your mouth shut. Sometimes, after all, the best course of action is to say nothing at all.
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YOU DO
Use discretion when talking about upcoming parties.
YOU DON’T
Tell another person about a party if you aren’t sure if that person has been invited.
Why
You don’t want to run the risk of making the other person feel that he or she has been left out. And you definitely do not want people to think that you are bragging.
YOU DO
Know how to keep a secret.
YOU DON’T
Tell your mom that your dad has bought her a diamond necklace for her birthday.
Why
The necklace is your dad’s gift to your mom, and he wants it to be a surprise. It is much cooler to be the guy who can keep a secret than the guy who can’t keep his mouth shut when he should.
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YOU DO
Know when you shouldn’t keep a secret.
YOU DON’T
Keep your mouth shut when you’ve learned that someone is going to do something wrong or something that could cause someone to be hurt.
Why
If you learn that a friend has been stealing other people’s property, using drugs, or doing anything else that could get him in trouble or cause other people to be hurt, it is your responsibility to speak up. You do not spread rumors, but you do tell your parents, a teacher, or a counselor that you are concerned about your friend’s behavior.
If a friend asks a gentleman if he wants to hear a secret, a gentleman thinks twice before he says yes.
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Chapter 12
LISTENING TO AND TALKING TO ADULTS
You are going to have to talk to adults—whether they’re your teachers, your parents, your coaches, or the people who run the cash registers at the grocery store. There’s no way you can avoid it. But if you’re going to have to talk to them, you will need to learn to listen to them, too. Nothing makes adults angrier than trying to talk to a young guy who is so caught up with his video game or his iPod that they can’t even get his attention. (Well, actually one thing does make them angrier: a young guy who responds to every question by saying, “Huh?” or “What?” or “Nope.”)
A gentleman knows if he actually has time for a full-scale conversation. If he is on a deadline for a paper that is due the next day, it’s Okay for him to say, “Can we talk about this later? I’m way behind on this paper.” Watching the same movie for the seventeenth time in a row is not a good excuse for ignoring your grandmother.
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