Either it is there, or
it is upon a file with the duke’s other letters in my tent.
INTERPRETER Here ’tis. Here’s a paper. Shall I read it to you?
PAROLLES I do not know if it be it or no.
BERTRAM Our interpreter does it well.
FIRST LORD Excellently.
Reads
INTERPRETER ‘Dian, the count’s a fool, and full of gold’—
PAROLLES That is not the duke’s letter, sir. That is an
advertisement to a proper194 maid in Florence, one Diana, to
take heed of the allurement of one Count Rossillion, a foolish
idle boy, but for all that very ruttish. I pray you, sir, put it up196
again.
INTERPRETER Nay, I’ll read it first, by your favour.198
PAROLLES My meaning in’t, I protest, was very honest in the
behalf of the maid, for I knew the young count to be a
dangerous and lascivious boy, who is a whale to virginity
and devours up all the fry202 it finds.
BERTRAM Damnable both-sides203 rogue!
INTERPRETER
[Reads the] letter
‘When he swears oaths, bid him drop204 gold, and take it.
After he scores205, he never pays the score.
Half won is match well made, match and well make it206;
He ne’er pays after-debts, take it207 before.
And say a soldier, Dian, told thee this:
Men are to mell209 with, boys are not to kiss.
For count210 of this, the count’s a fool, I know it,
Who pays before211, but not when he does owe it.
Thine, as he vowed to thee in thine ear, Parolles.’
BERTRAM He shall be whipped through the army with this
rhyme in’s214 forehead.
SECOND LORD This is your devoted friend, sir, the manifold215
linguist and the armipotent216 soldier.
BERTRAM I could endure anything before but a cat, and now
he’s a cat to me.
INTERPRETER I perceive, sir, by the general’s looks, we shall be
fain220 to hang you.
PAROLLES My life, sir, in any case. Not that I am afraid to die,
but that, my offences being many, I would repent out the
remainder of nature.223 Let me live, sir, in a dungeon, i’th’stocks,
or anywhere, so I may live.
INTERPRETER We’ll see what may be done, so you confess freely:
therefore, once more to this Captain Dumaine. You have
answered to his reputation with the duke and to his valour.
What is his honesty?
PAROLLES He will steal, sir, an egg out of a cloister229, for rapes
and ravishments he parallels Nessus. He professes not230
keeping of oaths, in breaking ’em he is stronger than
Hercules.232 He will lie, sir, with such volubility that you would
think truth were a fool. Drunkenness is his best virtue, for he
will be swine-drunk234, and in his sleep he does little harm, save
to his bed-clothes about him. But they know his conditions235
and lay him in straw. I have but little more to say, sir, of his
honesty: he has everything that an honest man should not
have; what an honest man should have, he has nothing.
FIRST LORD I begin to love him for this.
BERTRAM For this description of thine honesty? A pox upon
him for me. He’s more and more a cat.
INTERPRETER What say you to his expertness in war?
PAROLLES Faith, sir, h’as led the drum before the English243
tragedians — to belie244 him, I will not — and more of his
soldiership I know not, except, in that country he had the
honour to be the officer at a place there called Mile-end246, to
instruct for the doubling of files.247 I would do the man what
honour I can, but of this I am not certain.
FIRST LORD He hath out-villained villainy so far that the rarity
redeems him.
BERTRAM A pox on him, he’s a cat still.
INTERPRETER His qualities being at this poor price, I need not to
ask you if gold will corrupt him to revolt.
PAROLLES Sir, for a cardecue he will sell the fee-simple254 of his
salvation, the inheritance of it, and cut th’entail from all255
remainders, and a perpetual succession for it perpetually.
INTERPRETER What’s his brother, the other Captain Dumaine?
SECOND LORD Why does he ask him of me?
INTERPRETER What’s he?
PAROLLES E’en a crow o’th’same nest: not altogether so great
as the first in goodness, but greater a great deal in evil. He
excels his brother for262 a coward, yet his brother is reputed one
of the best that is. In a retreat he outruns any lackey263; marry,
in coming on264 he has the cramp.
INTERPRETER If your life be saved, will you undertake to betray
the Florentine?
PAROLLES Ay, and the captain of his horse267, Count Rossillion.
INTERPRETER I’ll whisper with the general, and know his
pleasure.
Aside
PAROLLES I’ll no more270 drumming. A plague of all
drums! Only to seem to deserve well, and to beguile the271
supposition of that lascivious young boy, the count, have I
run into this danger. Yet who would have suspected an
ambush where I was taken?
INTERPRETER There is no remedy, sir, but you must die. The
general says, you that have so traitorously discovered276 the
secrets of your army and made such pestiferous277 reports of
men very nobly held278, can serve the world for no honest use:
therefore you must die. Come, headsman, off with his head.
PAROLLES O lord, sir, let me live, or let me see my death!
FIRST LORD That shall you, and take your leave of all your
friends. So, look about you: know you any here?
Unblindfolds him
BERTRAM Good morrow, noble captain.
SECOND LORD God bless you, Captain Parolles.
FIRST LORD God save you, noble captain.
SECOND LORD Captain, what greeting will you286 to my Lord Lafew?
I am for287 France.
FIRST LORD Good captain, will you give me a copy of the sonnet
you writ to Diana in289 behalf of the Count Rossillion? An I
were not a very290 coward, I’d compel it of you. But fare you
well.
Exeunt [Bertram and Lords]
INTERPRETER You are undone292, captain — all your scarf that has
a knot on’t yet.
PAROLLES Who cannot be crushed with a plot?
INTERPRETER If you could find out a country where but295 women
were that had received so much shame, you might begin an
impudent297 nation. Fare ye well, sir. I am for France too. We
shall speak of you there.
Exeunt [Interpreter and Soldiers]
PAROLLES Yet am I thankful. If my heart were great299
’Twould burst at this. Captain I’ll be no more,
But I will eat and drink, and sleep as soft
As captain shall. Simply the thing I am
Shall make me live. Who303 knows himself a braggart,
Let him fear this; for it will come to pass
That every braggart shall be found an ass.
Rust, sword. Cool, blushes. And, Parolles, live
Safest in shame. Being fooled307, by fool’ry thrive;
There’s place and means for every man alive.
I’ll after them.
Exit
running scene 17
Enter Helen, Widow and Diana
HELEN That you may well perceive I have not wronged you,
One of the greatest in the Christian world2
Shall be my surety3, ’fore whose throne ’tis needful,
Ere I can perfect mine intents, to kneel.
Time was, I did him a desirèd office,
Dear almost as his life, which gratitude6
Through flinty Tartar’s7 bosom would peep forth,
And answer thanks. I duly am informed
His grace is at Marseilles, to which place
We have convenient convoy.10 You must know
I am supposèd dead. The army breaking11,
My husband hies him12 home, where, heaven aiding,
And by the leave of my good lord the king,
We’ll be before our welcome.14
WIDOW Gentle madam,
You never had a servant to whose trust
Your business was more welcome.
HELEN Nor you, mistress,
Ever a friend whose thoughts more truly labour
To recompense your love.
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