This was your husband.
Gertrude
Aw. I loved that outfit.
Hamlet
Now look @ Claudius.
See how many filters he uses? You can’t honestly tell me you’re *attracted* to him. You’re 
now! Not 
and horny.
Gertrude
Watch it.
Hamlet
How could you do this, really? Marry a murderer who cheated his way to the 
? It SICKENS me. 
If there was an emoji for vomit, I’d send it to you. 
Gertrude
Hamlet. Please. 
You’re making me feel 
.
Hamlet
I’m just telling you the truth, Mom. Think about where you 
at night.
Gertrude
HAMLET! STOP!
Ghost
Hamlet.
Hamlet
Oh, hey, Dad. Kinda in the middle of something.
Ghost
Just checking in. Wanted to make sure you were following the plan. Remember, don’t punish your mother.
Hamlet
Hold on. Just got a text from Dad. I’ll send it to you.
Gertrude
Um…I don’t see anything.
Hamlet
Let me try again.
Gertrude
Nope.
Hamlet
How can you not see it?! IT’S DAD!!!
Gertrude
Hamlet, I understand you’re upset. But it’s all in your head. You’re hallucinating. Getting txt messages from a dead man? That’s 
talk.
Is there anything you want to tell me? 
ILY no matter what.
Hamlet
NO. You just can’t admit you did something wrong. So you’re putting it on me. But it’s not too late. 
Dump Claudius. Make things right.
Gertrude
Hamlet, you’ve broken my 
in two. 
Hamlet
Well, keep the good 1/2 and throw out the bad!
…You still there?
Gertrude
Barely.
Hamlet
I’m going to 
tomorrow.
Gertrude
I almost forgot. Do you have 2?
Hamlet
Yeah, my 
has already been charged. Can’t let down my “good friends” Rosencrantz & Guildenstern. Though it’s probably not the worst thing for me to get out of the 
for a while. Because Polonius. 
Moving the body now. G’night.
[Scene 1]
Gertrude
Come quickly.
Claudius
Wut’s wrong? Everything OK?
Gertrude
I don’t even know where to start.
Claudius
OIC. It’s Hamlet, isn’t it? What did he do now?
Gertrude
Long 
short, he’s as as ever. He heard Polonius spying on him and 
him to death.
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