Not your mother. 
Hamlet
++
= same flesh, right?
So =. You can’t fight logic!
Claudius
“Logic” isn’t the word I’d use.
To Do:
1. Have the 
of 
kill Hamlet.
2. Upload more selfies on throne. Hmm. Light day.
Group text: Claudius, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern
Claudius
FYI, I left a 
4 u 2 bring on your trip. It’s addressed 2 the of . Hurry!
[Scene 4]
Just saw a captain in Fortinbras’s army. The poor guy is going to fight—and probably DIE—over a piece of land no one even cares about!! Ugh. What is the point of a man if all he ever does is 
and 
? That’s no better than 
. My father’s dead. My mother’s dead to me. From now on, I’m going to stop thinking so much and just do the thing I set out to do. No excuses. 
[Scene 5]
Horatio
Your Majesty, I think you need to talk to Ophelia.
Gertrude
Why me?
Horatio
She’s 
. She’s not making any sense. She’s gone 
over the death of her father.
Seems to be a trend. 
Gertrude
Sigh. Fine.
Group text: Gertrude, Ophelia, Claudius
Gertrude
Hello, Ophelia.
Ophelia
Gertrude
Ophelia, please. I don’t understand.
Ophelia
Gertrude
Ophelia. Please use your words.
Ophelia
Claudius
How are you, Ophelia?
Ophelia
Claudius
Is this because of your father?
Ophelia
Claudius
Wut’s going on?
Ophelia
Claudius
Uh, we’ll get back 2 u.
Group text: Claudius, Horatio, Gertrude
Claudius
Yikes! Horatio, follow Ophelia! & keep 
over her! She has completely lost it, Hamlet-style. w/ over Polonius.
Gertrude
Do you hear something? It sounds like someone has broken into the 
?!
Claudius
There’s a huge angry mob 
outside!!! They are shouting: “Laertes shall be !!” 
Laertes has checked into Elsinore Castle—with Huge Angry Mob.
Huge Angry Mob likes this
Group text: Laertes, Claudius, Gertrude
Laertes
CLAUDIUS!!!! U MUST SPEAK W/ ME @ ONCE!!!! I WILL CALL OFF MY HUGE ANGRY MOB BUT ONLY IF U SPEAK W/ ME NOW!!!!!!
Claudius
Wut would u like 2 discuss?
Laertes
WHERE IS MY FATHER?
Claudius
Gertrude
But we didn’t kill him!
Laertes
THEN WHO DID?!?! TELL ME!! I WILL NOT SPARE U UNLESS U TELL ME EXACTLY WUT HAPPENED. I DON’T CARE THAT U R THE !!!! I WILL AVENGE HIS MURDER NOW!!!!!
Claudius
I understand that u r upset. But calm down & we’ll talk!! I’m & that Polonius is 
2!!
Laertes
Ophelia!! My sweet sister. Where r u?
Ophelia
Laertes
NO NO NO NO NO
Ophelia
Laertes
DON’T TELL ME U R AS 
2 THE AS DAD!!
Ophelia
Laertes
U demanding revenge would not make me as as seeing u like this!
Ophelia
Laertes
DEAR GOD, WUT HAPPENED 2 OPHELIA?!?!
Claudius
Look. U can literally ask any1 in the entire . Every1 will tell u Gert and I had nuthin 2 do w/ it. U can have my & if any1 tells u otherwise. K?
Laertes
Fine.
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