It is for this reason that the stricken deer goes apart, and
the sick lion grimly withdraws himself into his den. Except in
love, or the attachments of kindred, or other very long and
habitual affection, we really have no tenderness. But there was
something of the woman moulded into the great, stalwart frame of
Hollingsworth; nor was he ashamed of it, as men often are of what
is best in them, nor seemed ever to know that there was such a soft
place in his heart. I knew it well, however, at that time, although
afterwards it came nigh to be forgotten. Methought there could not
be two such men alive as Hollingsworth. There never was any blaze
of a fireside that warmed and cheered me, in the down-sinkings and
shiverings of my spirit, so effectually as did the light out of
those eyes, which lay so deep and dark under his shaggy brows.
Happy the man that has such a friend beside him when he comes to
die! and unless a friend like Hollingsworth be at hand,—as most
probably there will not,—he had better make up his mind to die
alone. How many men, I wonder, does one meet with in a lifetime,
whom he would choose for his deathbed companions! At the crisis of
my fever I besought Hollingsworth to let nobody else enter the
room, but continually to make me sensible of his own presence by a
grasp of the hand, a word, a prayer, if he thought good to utter
it; and that then he should be the witness how courageously I would
encounter the worst. It still impresses me as almost a matter of
regret that I did not die then, when I had tolerably made up my
mind to it; for Hollingsworth would have gone with me to the hither
verge of life, and have sent his friendly and hopeful accents far
over on the other side, while I should be treading the unknown
path. Now, were I to send for him, he would hardly come to my
bedside, nor should I depart the easier for his presence.
"You are not going to die, this time," said he, gravely smiling.
"You know nothing about sickness, and think your case a great deal
more desperate than it is."
"Death should take me while I am in the mood," replied I, with a
little of my customary levity.
"Have you nothing to do in life," asked Hollingsworth, "that you
fancy yourself so ready to leave it?"
"Nothing," answered I; "nothing that I know of, unless to make
pretty verses, and play a part, with Zenobia and the rest of the
amateurs, in our pastoral. It seems but an unsubstantial sort of
business, as viewed through a mist of fever. But, dear
Hollingsworth, your own vocation is evidently to be a priest, and
to spend your days and nights in helping your fellow creatures to
draw peaceful dying breaths."
"And by which of my qualities," inquired he, "can you suppose me
fitted for this awful ministry?"
"By your tenderness," I said. "It seems to me the reflection of
God's own love."
"And you call me tender!" repeated Hollingsworth thoughtfully.
"I should rather say that the most marked trait in my character is
an inflexible severity of purpose. Mortal man has no right to be so
inflexible as it is my nature and necessity to be."
"I do not believe it," I replied.
But, in due time, I remembered what he said.
Probably, as Hollingsworth suggested, my disorder was never so
serious as, in my ignorance of such matters, I was inclined to
consider it. After so much tragical preparation, it was positively
rather mortifying to find myself on the mending hand.
All the other members of the Community showed me kindness,
according to the full measure of their capacity. Zenobia brought me
my gruel every day, made by her own hands (not very skilfully, if
the truth must be told), and, whenever I seemed inclined to
converse, would sit by my bedside, and talk with so much vivacity
as to add several gratuitous throbs to my pulse. Her poor little
stories and tracts never half did justice to her intellect. It was
only the lack of a fitter avenue that drove her to seek development
in literature. She was made (among a thousand other things that she
might have been) for a stump oratress. I recognized no severe
culture in Zenobia; her mind was full of weeds. It startled me
sometimes, in my state of moral as well as bodily
faint-heartedness, to observe the hardihood of her philosophy. She
made no scruple of oversetting all human institutions, and
scattering them as with a breeze from her fan. A female reformer,
in her attacks upon society, has an instinctive sense of where the
life lies, and is inclined to aim directly at that spot. Especially
the relation between the sexes is naturally among the earliest to
attract her notice.
Zenobia was truly a magnificent woman. The homely simplicity of
her dress could not conceal, nor scarcely diminish, the queenliness
of her presence. The image of her form and face should have been
multiplied all over the earth. It was wronging the rest of mankind
to retain her as the spectacle of only a few. The stage would have
been her proper sphere. She should have made it a point of duty,
moreover, to sit endlessly to painters and sculptors, and
preferably to the latter; because the cold decorum of the marble
would consist with the utmost scantiness of drapery, so that the
eye might chastely be gladdened with her material perfection in its
entireness. I know not well how to express that the native glow of
coloring in her cheeks, and even the flesh-warmth over her round
arms, and what was visible of her full bust,—in a word, her
womanliness incarnated,—compelled me sometimes to close my eyes, as
if it were not quite the privilege of modesty to gaze at her.
Illness and exhaustion, no doubt, had made me morbidly
sensitive.
I noticed—and wondered how Zenobia contrived it—that she had
always a new flower in her hair. And still it was a hot-house
flower,—an outlandish flower,—a flower of the tropics, such as
appeared to have sprung passionately out of a soil the very weeds
of which would be fervid and spicy.
1 comment