By my green candle, King Wenceslas is still alive, isn’t he ? And even if he does kick the bucket, hasn’t he masses of children ?

MA UBU. Why shouldn’t you finish off the whole bunch and put yourself in their place ?

PA UBU. Ha! Madam, now you have gone too far, and you shall very shortly be beaten up good and proper.

MA UBU. You poor slob, if I get beaten up who’ll patch the seat of your pants ?

PA UBU. So what! Haven’t I a bum like everyone else?

MA UBU. If I were you, I’d try to get that bum sitting on a throne. You could become enormously rich, eat as many bangers as you liked, and roll through the streets in a fine carriage.

PA UBU. If I were king, I’d get them to make me a great bonnet like the one I used to wear in Aragon, which those lousy Spaniards had the nerve to pinch off me.

MA UBU. And you could get yourself an umbrella and a guards officer’s greatcoat that would come down to your feet.

PA UBU. It is more than I can resist! Pschittabugger and buggerapschitt, if ever I come across him alone on a dark night, he’s for it.

MA UBU. Well done, Pa Ubu, now you’re talking like a man.

PA UBU. Oh no! Me - a captain of dragoons - brutally murder the King of Poland! I would rather die!

MA UBU (aside). Oh, pschittl (Aloud.) So you want to stay poor as a church mouse, Mister Ubu ?

PA UBU. God’s bones, yes, by my green candle, I’d rather be poor as the skinniest mouse than rich as the cruellest cat.

MA UBU. And your bonnet? And your umbrella? And your greatcoat ?

PA UBU. And then what, you old cow?

 

He leaves, banging the door behind him.

 

MA UBU (alone). Pfartt, pschitt, what a stingy bastard, but pfartt, pschitt, I think I’ve got him shifting all the same. Thanks be to God and myself, in a week, perhaps, I may be Queen of Poland.

SCENE TWO

 

A room in Pa Ubu’s house, where a magnificent collation is set out.

 

PA UBU, MA UBU.

 

MA UBU. Well, our guests are pretty late.

PA UBU. Yes, by my green candle, I’m dying of hunger. You’re looking exceptionally ugly tonight, Madam, is it because we have company ?

MA UBU (shrugging her shoulders). Pschitt.

PA UBU (seizing a roast chicken). I’m quite hungry. I think I’ll get my teeth into this bird. Hmm, a chicken, I reckon, and not bad at all.

MA UBU. Stop it, you wretch! What are our guests going to eat ?

PA UBU. There’ll still be plenty for them. I shan’t touch another thing. Go and look out of the window, Ma Ubu, and see if our guests are arriving.

MA UBU (going over). I don’t see a soul.

 

Meanwhile, PA UBU gets his hands on a fillet of veal.

 

MA UBU. Ah, here comes Captain M’Nure and his merry men. Hey, Old Ubu, what are you eating ?

PA UBU. Nothing, nothing. Just a spot of veal.

MA UBU.